How To Instantly Create More Attraction In The Women You Approach
Do you often feel like women aren’t that interested in talking with you? Even when you work up the courage to start the conversation, it seems like it doesn’t go the way you want it to, and she’s scanning around the room, looking for an exit.
One incredibly simple, yet highly important area to master is your body language. Your body language determines how you are received and instantly influences how she sees you.
Join Dr. Aziz today as he dives into 3 of the simplest changes you can make in your body language that can lead to completely different results in your confidence and with women.
Click below to hear this episode!
How Do You Communicate Non-Verbally?
Today we’re going to be looking at your body language. How you can communicate non-verbally in a way that’s going to be particularly powerful and effective, especially in the area of dating and relationships. Now the tips I’m going to be giving you and suggesting; are going to be valuable in a lot of different setting; whether it’s business, social life, meeting your girlfriend’s parents. Whatever it is, you can apply the stuff because these are universally valuable, body language skills that communicate power, confidence, self-assuredness, warmth, connectivity and at least the charisma and natural magnetism. So you can apply this anywhere but we’re going to be focusing a lot on the area of dating and relationships, because this comes up a lot, and guys that I work with who are focusing on meeting women, creating sustaining great relationships. So we’re going to dive into powerful tips, that you can use today to rapidly boost your body language and increase your success with women and with everyone, in terms of better responses, more dates, better relationships; maybe even finding a girlfriend that you really connect with, that you’re the selector, you’re choosing her, maybe it’s finding someone that you ultimately marry, and settle down with them, and that’s amazing. I can’t say enough about how valuable, these skills can be in creating that experience for you.
So let’s dive into it. Before we do, if you’re getting a ton of the show, I encourage you to go to iTunes, inside of, whatever your phone or your computer, and give it a ranking, give it a five star review, and let others know how it’s helped you; because that actually helps me reach more people. And I would really appreciate that, if you were to be able to do that, because my mission is to reach as many people. I want to reach that guy who is like on his computer, who’s like, “It’s never going to work, and I’m a loser.” And I want to like, maybe he’ll just see it in iTunes or something will happen, and then he’ll realize he can shift; because I’m trying to reach me, 15 years ago. So thanks for helping me with that. You can do that now or at the end of the show. And you can also go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com to get show notes. If I interview someone, there’s a bunch of stuff there about how to access them, as well as the transcripts of the episode. Good god, I don’t know why you’d want to read that, but you could. It’s all there at shrinkfortheshyguy.com and facebook.com/socialconfidence to jump into the conversation.
Okay, let’s dive into body language. So body language is huge. It communicates so much. Just earlier, was it yesterday actually in the afternoon, I was working with a client; we were working on how to have better conversations, with everyone, but especially with women. And we started out on the skill of small talk. Okay, so he initiated the conversation with her. That’s half the battle. That’s good. He walked over to her, and said, “It’s Yoga class,” and I was like, “How was your Yoga class, did you enjoy the Yoga Class?” Said something like that; awesome. That is step 1: Go initiate. And then we started to get into, well what if she didn’t give a very wordy response; how do you still keep the conversation going? How do you know what to say next? So on and so forth. And so we started focusing on that. But then I had a little bit of an intuition. I was like, “Let’s talk about the basics. When you first opened your mouth to talk to her, were you looking at her? Did you sustain eye contact? How did you walk over towards here? How were you standing?” I started asking all these questions to try to figure out his body language, because that before you even open your mouth you’re communicating a ton, about how you see yourself, how desirable you are; whether you’re interested in her, what signals you’re giving. And it is all happening; you’re doing it, mostly unconsciously; she’s receiving it, mostly unconsciously and it’s impacting how she feels towards you. So we want to explore how to enhance this to really increase. You can say the best things in the world, but if your body language is all torqued out, and it’s really close off, and nervous, it’s sending all these other signals; then the words aren’t going to help you. So we got to focus on the body language. So what is that? Let’s look at the basics here.
Let’s start with the fundamentals. You got to work on the fundamentals: so eye contact. Super essential, super basic, incredibly important. So when you’re walking over to a woman, and you’re starting to talk with her, you want to be looking her in the eyes and not looking away a whole lot. Now I know that might seem simple or obvious, but simple doesn’t mean easy, and obvious doesn’t mean we do it all the time. I mean I probably knew this, when I was younger and really struggling. If someone were to ask me abstractly, “Aziz is eye contact good or not good?” Then I would say, “Well, it’s probably good.” Now, does that mean I would do it with an attractive woman? No. No, no, no, I’d like… look over at her from across the room, wouldn’t be approaching her and then if she looked at me, I’d look away real quick, or be kind of shifty-eyed, or I looked down a lot if I was talking to a woman. So eye contact is incredibly important. And we want to be able to have strong, solid eye contact with her. As you’re talking to her, as you’re walking up towards her, as you’re listening to her say something, you don’t want to be looking all around the room. As you’re talking, you don’t have to stare a 100% of the time, at her, in the eyes as you’re talking, it’s natural to look away for a second or two, as you’re gathering your thoughts; but 95% of the time when you’re talking, you want to be looking at her, and when you’re listening to her, you want to be looking at her, almost the entire time. So what you want to do is, you want to be able to build that ability; because it’s easier said than done, isn’t it? That reflex to look away, to be shifty-eyed, it’s like, “I’m nervous, I can’t. It’s so uncomfortable.” We need to build that muscle. And I’m going to share a few of the other basics of the actual body language what to do, and then we’re going to talk more about how to do it.
Just focusing on in this episode might give you the motivation, strength, confidence to go start doing it more, the encouragement, but we’re also going to look at the some of the really basic ways to start building it, how to remove the obstacles that might stop you from doing it, right now. But let’s cover a few of the basic fundamentals and then we’ll look at how to do it. So sustain eye contact with her.
Walk Right To Her
Another really basic one is: walk right towards her, when you’re going to go talk to her. And this is true for anyone. As I said this applies to; if you’re going to talk to someone in a networking event, walk right towards them. I used to do this so much, I was like, “I’m going to skirt around the room, I’m going to snake my way, over this way and that way, and keep her in my awareness; but I’m not actually going to go directly and talk to her. I’m going go to pretend like I’m going somewhere nearby, and stand there, looking at the bowl of fruit. That’s what I came over here for is to grab some figs; put them in this bowl very slowly, while I stand near you. And then turn and pounce.” That does not work nearly as well, as walking directly towards her; just be line. There she is. I’m going to talk to her. Boom. Walking directly towards her.
How Are You Standing?
Another really powerful tip. Another incredibly powerful tip about your body language is, how are you standing, as you move towards her? Are you shoulder slumped? Is your head down or your kind of shuffling towards her? Or your hands in your pockets?
These are really small, simple things, but they add up. If you combine those things of head down, shuffling around, walking around the room, eight times before you talk to her, and then looking away a lot as you talk to her, and looking down, your chances of her being really excited to talk with you and seeing you as a datable, attractive powerful man that she wants to sleep with; is very, very low. It could happen, but your odds are decreased tenfold. And they don’t have to be; because that is nothing to do with the stories that we tell ourselves. Women don’t like me, because I’m a weirdo, or I have this problem, or I’m ugly in this way. I’m bald or I don’t make enough money. All these stories and it’s not that. It’s the collection of all the little things that you do or don’t do. And you can shift all those facts. I’m going to talk about how to do that. In fact, now you have a general sense of how to do it and this might not be new to you. You might hear everything I’m saying and be like, “Yes. I already know that.” And great. Knowing intellectually is the first step. But if you’re not doing it regularly, then you don’t know it in your body, you don’t know it in your core, you just know it as a mental concept, which is not going to get you anywhere. That’s not going to get you great conversations with women, that’s not going to get you phone numbers, that’s not going to get you dates, that’s not going to get you great sexual experiences, and finding an amazing woman that you love.
Doing it, knowing it in your body is what’s going to get you those things.
Are You Afraid?
So what stops you from sustaining eye contact, walking directly towards a woman and being fully upright in your body; tall, strong, center? What might get in the way? No? The biggest thing for most guys and for myself was fear. I’m afraid. We know we have tons of ways of subtly avoiding what we’re scared of. So the most obvious, and direct and complete way to avoid would just be to not look at her, not talk to her, not interact with her anyway, and then go home and beat yourself up a bunch. I did that one many, many days and nights, over many, many months and years. It’s a pretty miserable pattern. So let’s shift that. Let’s look at what’s getting in the way, so its fear and we can totally avoid the whole situation. But the next level of avoidance is, “Okay. I’m going to move towards her, but I’m still going to kind of avoid.” When we are not looking at her fully, when we’re walking around the room before talking to her, when we’re hunching our soldiers; we have one foot in and one foot out. We’re trying to avoid still. We’re trying to have a smooth exit, a safe cover story.
So if she rejects us; that’s what we’re really scared of, right? We might be scared of her saying; “Yes” I know I was, too. I’m crazy right. I’m terrified of her rejecting me, and then I start talking to them and then they say “Yes” and I’m terrified of them, saying, “Yes” So much to heal, so much to work through. But we’re usually more scared of the rejection than we are of the “Yes”. We’re excited of the “Yes” at first and then we get scared later. “Oh, What if I mess it up? What if I lose it? What if she sees that I’m not good enough in my core?” But we’re usually more scared of the rejection in the beginning stage here. And so we’re trying to avoid that, while still approaching her. It’s a funny little game we play. So we’re going to have a cover story like, “I’m walking towards her, but I’m not walking directly walking towards her. I’m walking to the fruit bowl, nearby her slowly.” Then on the off chance of somehow she somehow rejects me, or walks away or doesn’t want to talk to me, I can be like, “I wasn’t here to talk to you. I was here to get some strawberries and cantaloupe.” And we have this cover story, “Save Face”. Or if we’re not making much eye contact with her, then on some level, we feel like we’re more protective, we don’t connect as much, we’re not putting ourselves out there as much and so if she says, “No” or rejects us then, it will maybe hurt less. And same thing with the hunched shoulders, that’s actually unconscious way of trying to…In fact do that right now, hunch your shoulders in a lot. You notice how it brings your chest together and can tighten your stomach a little bit. It actually creates a bit of a physical barrier around our chest. And so we want to protect ourselves in that way, physically. So these are all ways that we’re trying to subtly protect ourselves from the pain of rejection.
Face the Rejection
And we do that with our body language and we do that in dozens of other ways. But then what does that leave us with? Oh we’re not. Does it still hurt when you get rejected? And does it really protect you? Does it increase the chances that you are going to get rejected? Unfortunately so. So we have to be able to face this in order to break free. So how do we do that? How do we make that shift from trying to protect ourselves, and being guarded, and defended which doesn’t really work out anyway. Doesn’t get what we want. How do we shift from that to being bolder, open, authentic, confident, and just going after what we want? Well the first thing, I’m going to share a bunch after the break, but I’m going to share one thing right now, which is; you got to be willing to fall down. If you want to learn to walk, you got to be willing to fall down. Want to learn to ride a bike, you got to be willing to fall off. If you want to learn to swim, you got to learn to maybe swallow some water. You cannot fill that with as many clichés as you want. If you want to make an omelet, you got to break some eggs, right? But that’s the truth. We’re going to get rejected. If you spend your whole life trying to avoid rejection, you’re going to avoid connection, avoid love, avoid confidence, avoid self-esteem, avoid feeling proud, avoid doing what you’re here to do, following your purpose in life, feeling alive and passionate and really happy to be alive, you’re going to avoid all of that, if you spend your life trying to avoid rejection. So we got to face it, we got to say bring it on. That doesn’t mean, I want to get hundred rejections in a row. Good god. That’s hard, that’s painful; that’s not easy; that’s not fun. It’s not like, “Yes. I’m just going to drink in 30 rejections today. Yeah. It’s like going to Disneyland.” No, it’s hard, it’s uncomfortable. But we have to be willing to face it, to feel it and to break through it.
Because the more you do that, the more you face it and feel it and break through it, the more you have tolerance through it, the more it doesn’t affect you so much, the more it doesn’t terrify you so much. The more you realize you can handle it and become stronger and move forward faster, because you’re no longer crippling yourself with this fear of rejection. And if you want to learn how to rocket fuel that stuff, I highly recommend either getting “Confidence Unleashed, ” which will just help you blast through rejection like nobody’s business or the “Confidence Code,” which will help you heal up all that inner stuff that happens after you get rejected. Both programs can do that, so if you really want to master this area, which is going to help you accelerate your confidence, faster than anything, then one of those programs can help. But let’s take a quick break right now, and when we get back, we’re going to look at how to approach in a way that is…What is the alternative to being defended and guarded? We’re going to look at what that is, and how you can start doing it today and then noticing the results in your life.
I’m Coming To Talk to You
What’s the alternative to being guarded; defended? It is being fully open about, “Yes, this is my intention. I want to talk to you. Associate the dating example, because we’ve been focusing on that, in this episode; so when you walk towards her, you walk directly towards her. And yes when you do that, you know what that is saying with your body language? That’s saying I’m coming to talk to you. It’s communicating, “I’m interested in talking to you.” “I’ll be interested in you as well, I might like you.” Are those that’s what we’re communicating when we walk directly over to someone? Ooh, I want to talk to that person. And that can be scary. It can be like we’re putting ourselves out there. But you know what? This is helpful to realize if you put yourself in their shoes, and if someone were to say to you, after talking to you for a minute, “You know you’re really interesting to talk to. You know you’ve got a lot of interesting stuff to say. I think you’re a fascinating person, I really like you.” Do you think that would open you up more? Do you think you would feel more relaxed, confident? Think you’d feel better about yourself? Yes, unless you got some sort of weird, inner confidence, complement deflecting system, or someone gives you a compliment, you’re like, and “They’re just saying that, they really think the opposite, they feel sorry for me. I’m a loser” If you’re running that pattern then, no, but for the most part, if you let it in well feel good and so when you communicate that to someone, even an attractive woman, yes attractive women, also feel insecure and also relaxed internally when they know someone is interested in them wants to talk to them. And when you do that, it relaxes her. That’s a very powerful message and it’s fascinating to watch.
I love watching my son Zayim, whose 21 months now; so a little under two years old right now. And his style is baller. He does this with little boys and little girls. He sees a little kid and if he’s feeling social, which is a lot of the time, he’ll just walk right over to them and stand three inches from them and look up at them or he’ll grab their hands and try to say, ”Hey, let’s go over here or I’ll just walk up and give him a hug.” It is ridiculous and it’s adorable. And some kids respond really positively like, “Oh great, let’s go run and play.” And some kids are like, “Ew,” and they run to their parents, “Get away from me.” And then he’s like, “All right.” Just keeps going, he’s impervious to rejection. He’s invincible to rejection. And you know what? If you were to approach five kids like that, maybe two of them, two or three would not be into it, or two or three would be into it. So if you want someone to play with and you were to approach five kids, and you would do one after another…I have a video I took at some…we’re at some old tiny railroad station thing, out in California.
And there’s a steam engine train, these big redwood trees, really gorgeous place, with a lot of kids running around. At this video, there’s this older kid, maybe six or seven, Zayim goes up to him, pulls the standard Zayim move which is, “I’m coming over to talk to you” Well, not talk, “I’m coming over to touch you” and he goes over and the kids sitting down inside, his little kid barn structure. And he sits down next to him and he puts his head on his shoulders and wraps his arms around it. It’s painfully cute. And then the other’s kid’s parent is like, “Little Jeff, did you make a new friend?” And guess what Jeff said, “He furrowed his brow and frowned and like moved away from Zayim and said no. You know what I thought? “The little kid’s a dick.” No, I just sat there watching, but I was like, “He rejected my son, little dick.” But Zayim was impervious. But then the kid stood up, and guess what Zayim did? He got up and he grabbed him again. Then the kid started to run away, and then Zayim chased him, and then the kid loved it and they were laughing and playing, I was recording the whole thing, it was about 45 seconds and then in the middle of chasing that kid, he turns and sees another little kid and he runs over to him and grabs that kid. Now, that kid, we just stood there for 10 seconds, while he liked touched him, or her I don’t know what’s this little…”indecipherable gender baby” and then that kid went to its mother and it was like, ”Nah,” like “Are you feeling shy?” So, what’s the point of this story? What would your life be like, if you showed up more like that? What if you just moved right towards that person? Yes, I want to talk to you. That’s what he is, just emitting on all cylinders and some kids are into it, some kids are not. They’re not he moves on to the next one. What would your life be like if you could show up more like that with your body language, like, “Hey, I’m here to talk to you,” and you show up that way with your eye contact too, like, “Hey, I’m here to look at you,” and really when you’re looking at someone you want to take them in.
You’re going to go talk to a woman, look at her eyes as you interact with her. Look at her face. Use your peripheral vision to look at the surrounding area as well. Taking in the nuances of her hair and looking at the subtleties of her face. Does she seem stressed? Does she seem tired? Does she seem happy? Does she seem nervous? Is she excited? You start to notice the facial expressions. It’s really been paying more attention to that and really taking in your senses what you see, what you hear, what you feel, and less running in your head; what I’m going to say next? What’s the right thing to say? How do I impress this person? Because when you can show up with that full powerful presence, that’s communicated not with your head or even the words that you use but with your body and your presence, that gets a thousand full better response from women. And the more you can apply this in your life, the more you can see these shifts. Let’s actually dive in to how you can apply this in your life today and we’re going to do that with, your action step.
Your action step for today is to pick one of the things, I offered many different thing and you could go and try a lot of them but start with one. Because when we say, “Okay, I want to improve my eye contact, I’m going to walk right towards women, I’m going to start conversations with them, I’m going to stand up taller, I’m going to move my shoulders and I’m going to take deeper breaths, kind of be more present, make better awareness in my peripheral vision.” I’m right at a client who we worked together after two or three months. He had like a list of 18 things, he was going to do every day to build his confidence, and he’s like, “Aziz, I’m feeling overwhelmed, ” I’m like, “Ahh.” I couldn’t possibly see why.
Maybe you need 24 things on your list, maybe not enough. And he laughed and then we started looking at that and we paired it down like, “Let’s just figure out one thing that you could focus on, more than any other” And it’s the same thing here. So just pick one thing. Maybe it’s eye contact. May be its standing up a bit taller. Maybe it’s walking directly towards getting inspired by Zayim and all little children’s courage and boldness and willingness to just put themselves and their hearts out there. So what is that one thing for you? Just deciding right now. Whatever you decide is the right thing and decide, “I’m going to do that. This week, I’m just going to that, frequently as I can, as much as I can. That’s going to be my sole focus. I’m going to optimize this week for eye contact or for walking directly towards the people that I want to go talk to and not skirting around the issue. Good.
Choosing that thing, committing inside yourself, deciding, and when you do that, when you go take that action, that’s how you’re going to build this muscles, because these body skills are a muscle, that eye contact is a muscle. If you can’t do it, if you haven’t done it much and you’re not able to really, feel like it’s out of your control, like, “I just look away before I can.” Practice, that’s want it’s going to take, it’s a muscle. The more you do it, the more committed and decided you are to do it, the better you’re going to get. There’s a ton more about that, but go apply these things in your life. Let me know how it’s going. Go to facebook.com/socialconfidence and join into the conversation there. And I can’t wait to hear from you, I can’t wait to speak with you, and maybe even one day see you in person, and work with you, in a group or a mastermind or a live event or something like that. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.
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