Early-Bird Tickets on sale now for Dr. Aziz’s upcoming LIVE Event –
The Unlimited Dating Confidence Bootcamp. Tickets are limited and this event will sell out. Click here to get more information and claim your spot today.
link to: http://www.30daystodatingmastery.com/event
What is your outlook on your dating life? Do you have a positive vision of relationships? Or are you in a place where you don’t really believe you can be happy with someone?
- Do you believe that relationships start off great but you eventually fall out of love?
- Do you have a preconceived idea that you start off in love but after awhile you will be in a MEH place where you just feel MEEH!
- Maybe you keep telling yourself that everyone else can find true love but it’s just not in the cards for you.
Whatever it is that you are telling yourself YOU NEED TO START HAVING A COMPELLING FUTURE VISION FOR YOUR LOVE LIFE and we are going to help you do that in today’s episode.
Click below to hear this episode!
Hey welcome today’s episode of the show. Today is all about love and relationships and in fact it’s going to be the three keys to confidence in this area of your life so if you don’t feel confidence in your love life, definitely it is in this episode. We can feel insecure or unsure of ourselves or doubting or anxious about this area of our lives for many different reasons. We’re going to dive into the three most powerful things that you can do starting right now to have a lot more confidence in this area whether you’re single and you want to meet someone or maybe you’re already in a relationship or already dating but you don’t feel as confident as you want to. Or maybe you’re feeling discouraged or down or maybe this is the not the right person for me.
Maybe I’ll never find the right one and any sort of doubt or insecurity, all of that we’re going to clean up and help you get a lot more confidence in yourself in this area of dating and relationships. We’re doing a little series around this month because in well it just started yesterday. Actually, the early bird tickets for my upcoming live event in October of this year October 20th through 22nd it’s called, ‘Unlimited dating and relationship confidence’. It is going to be happening in October 20th through 22nd in Portland Oregon and the early bird tickets just went on sale yesterday. You definitely want to check that out if you’ve been considering about coming to a live event now is the time because [chuckles] pretty much any area of life, doesn’t get better unless we really address it and face it but especially our love lives. We just kind of wish and hope that it will get better but it doesn’t and we might just say well I just got to find someone else or find the right person.
Partner selection and compatibility is important, it’s huge. If we have patterns of insecurity and fear and self-doubt and anxiety that hold us back, we’re going to bring them. If you meet the next person we’re going to do the same things as we did with the person before whether it’s pleasing them too much, not saying no or maybe just not even starting the relation because we’re too scared to go talk to them. In any case, I highly recommend investing in the time to get out here. I know you got to fly out here if you’re not local and invest in the ticket although they’re half off to the early birds so that’s pretty sweet. I know it’s a commitment and when we’re committed to something and we’re willing to do what it takes, we transform quickly. You can go to ‘30daystodatingmastery.com/event to get your early bird tickets. That’s 30daystodatingmastery.com/event to get your ticket.
You can also go to socialconfidencecenter.com which is my website, socialconfidencecenter.com and there’s an events tab on that page the top there so just click on events you’ll see that, event click on it and you can get access to the early bird. Not sure if there is an exact room size on this one, the last one sold out though the room is totally full. We probably had about I think it was like 38 or 40 participants at the last one something like that so we’ll see if one is with something similar. If you’re on the fence of considering it now is the time to do it because you’ll be sure you get a spot and you’ll also get a ticket for half off for the early bird special.
Let’s talk about you and how to have confidence in love and relationships. Here’s the first one, first key tip, having a compelling future vision. This one is so important because most people unfortunately have some idea, someone I know had this for many years, an idea in the back of our heads which goes something like this; relationships are not going to go well eventually for some reason. Check with yourself right now. See if you feel that somewhere just a sense of that. Either maybe they– see what your story is. Here are some of the common ones, see if it resonates with you. One is; maybe they start great and everyone’s all in love but then you fall out of love then you fight a lot and you break up. Or there’s this belief that it’s like, “Yeah, well you can’t.” Even if you fall in love and it’s amazing and you don’t break up, you just kind of ‘me’ after a while.
Then you’re like roommates (05.06), being friends; it’s nice but it’s not hot, there’s no passion. It’s just kind of like ‘me’ so that’s another common (05.16) or worse. You’re kind of distant and you kind of just lead your own lives and you do your thing and they do their thing and you kind of don’t want to see each other that much and sort of complain about each other to your friends. “Oh! Your ball-and-chain; he wants me to do this.” Maybe that’s what your vision is somewhere in the unconscious part of your mind or– this is almost getting into the second key for confidence but I’ll see if I can explain it without sharing what the second key is. Or perhaps for some reason you don’t think you can have what you want in relationships, maybe you think it’s possible for other people to have a lasting fulfilling relationship but not you and so in your mind you’re going to end up settling.
You kind of have it already written on the wall like, “Yeah I’m going to settle, they’re not going to be great but that’s what I can get and it probably won’t be that fulfilling.” But yeah you know better than nobody. Are any of these ringing any bells for you? Because all of them are shit [chuckles], they’re trash. We got to throw them out. It’s garbage, isn’t it? This is like depressing, it’s limiting and it is not true. We need to find. You need to create a compelling future vision for your relationship. What you really, really want. What you’re excited about. Forget for a minute about what’s possible, what would juice you, what would excite you, what would compel you to move forward, to put yourself out there, to take risks, to open up your heart, to do what it takes to create a relationship because the truth is; it is scary it to put yourself out there. Maybe that first moment of walking over to someone you don’t know and starting a conversation, they can reject you. Maybe you think that’s terrifying but guess what’s even scarier after you’ve gone on that second date or your third date or whatever, just being a 100% you.
Being yourself and then let’s say you start to fall in love with them. Let’s say you really, really like them and then all of a sudden one day you’re at home by yourself and you’re like, “Holy shit! I love them. Oh! My God. It’s too soon to say that. I can’t say that, that’s crazy. That’s bad, I better keep that to myself.” But you know it, you know what I’m talking about. There’s like this excitement, this joy, this energy just– did they text you back? Did they text you back? You’re kind of freaking out and checking your phone 85 times a day but you don’t show them that of course because that makes you look insane. So keep it together, keep it cool but inside you’re wondering, you’re excited; it’s all this energy. Guess what, then it gets even scarier because now you got something on the line, you got some skin in the game and you know if they all of a sudden after the fourth or fifth date they’re like, “You know, I just don’t feel that way about you.” Or, “It’s okay but I’m not that into you.” You know that it’s going to fucking hurt and same if you go even deeper and you both fall in love.
There’s a part of you it’s like really excited but another party it is like, “Oh! My gosh. I can get hurt so bad.”
Especially if you have past experiences of getting hurt; having someone end a relationship with you or worse cheat on you. That’s why we need to create a compelling future vision that’s going to help us get through all the scary stuff. Because yes it’s scary but man it’s worth it and life can be magnified a thousand-fold by having an incredible relationship. In fact let me show that to you. When something amazing happens in your life; something in your career, you have a breakthrough, you have an awesome experience or maybe you just go do something really fun and you– what’s one of the first things you want to do? You got the news, you got the promotion or you got the job; what is one of the first things you want to do? That’s right, you want to pick up the phone and tell someone. You want to text some people. It’s relationship. It magnifies the experience. It grows in your life. There’s great value, there is great meaning, there’s great fulfillment in it but we need have a compelling future vision of what it is.
Let me ask you this, would you ultimately want? If you could any kind of relationship that you wanted and forget about if it’s possible or if you deserve it or any of that BS; what would be amazing to experience? Think about that for a minute. For me it was I want to be with someone who is– who not only meets me but exceeds me because I like to think a lot of stuff and read ideas and share. I remember I would date women and some of them would just like couldn’t talk about me with psychology or any of the stuff I was learning at all and that wasn’t a very good fit long term. But some women could kind of, “Oh! Yeah that’s an interesting idea; thanks for sharing it.” And they could kind of follow but I wanted someone who could hear what I was saying like, “Oh! Yeah that reminds me this other idea.” Or “Oh! I read this in the book.” I wanted someone who’s like really smart and had to be a lifelong learner.
I wanted her to be in just absolutely beautiful to me, gorgeous on the inside and on the outside. I wanted to have the body type that I liked, the appearance that I liked, someone that I was really physically turned on by. I also wanted her to be very loving and nurturing and sweet. Because I right dated a few women who were physically, externally beautiful but, man! They were kind of cold and mean and critical. I was like, “(10.31), I don’t want that.” I got a clear vision of really who I wanted and a lot of ways and then it was like I want a relationship where we’re excited to be with each other. Where we just cannot get enough conversation anyway; there’s not enough time in the day to keep talking with each other because we just want to share and listen and be with each other. And I love the way that this person sees the world so that I’ll keep wanting to hear about what they do and what they’ve experienced and how they see things.
Then I want her to be passion or I feel sexually aroused and turned on and excited to be with that person, to make love with her, to spend time with her, to touch her and be touched. I want all of that and I don’t want it to go away; I don’t want it to end. Now for me, when I was creating this vision and maybe you’re creating a similar vision for yourself as you’re listening to this; when I was creating it, it was all sounding well and good until I got to that last part. Then I started to feel a mixture of like scared and kind of discouraged because in my mind it was like, “Yeah, you could have all that in the beginning.” But then man! Then reality sets in. If you’re with someone for a long time you just lose interest in them sexually, just how it is. People just kind of fall out of love. I remember I had that even when I met Candace who’s now my wife who will be teaching some at the event with me and the dating and relationship event because she’s got tons of great insight around this from her. She has decades of personal growth experience and she let her own workshops for many years. She’s an amazing woman.
So you’ll have a chance to meet her at the live event if you take advantage of the early bird. Go ahead and do that now; nudge, nudge. Anyway so– I remember we had a conversation pretty early on and because we’ve started dating and I was like head over. I fell in love with her even before we started dating. I had member having my first extended conversation. I knew her for a couple of months but I didn’t actually have a one-on-one conversation with her. We had one, shorter one, about a 30 minutes, 20 minutes and it was nice. Then we had this car ride back from somewhere with a big group of people and I was next to her. We talked like two hours; went by like that. I remember I came home; I was living with a couple of roommates at the time and one of the women I lived with was there in the kitchen. I came home and she was like, “Oh! How was your trip?” I was like, “It was awesome. I’m in love.”
She knew my relationship woes and struggles at that time and she was like, “Yaaay!” I said, “But she’s married.” Then she was like, “Uuuuh!” [chuckles]. That’s a whole another story; practically to come to the event to hear that one. In any case, I knew I was in love with her but didn’t we didn’t actually start dating until about six months after that because things had to transition in her life for her to become available. Anyway she did become available and we started dating and I remember prettier than maybe even a month into things I was like, “This is great and I’m scared.” We talked about I was like, “What are you scared of?” It was basically that love is going to end, it fades; that’s just how it works. That’s how I’ve seen in so many different relationships and she had a great alternative perspective. She was like, “You know Aziz, in my experience and what I’ve seen I think love deepens and I think that you can be endlessly fascinated with another person.” She said a lot of other really good stuff and it stuck.
I said, “Wow! Maybe that’s possible.” And you know what, it is has been. We’ve been together for seven years now, six or seven years; I don’t know, long time. I also found models of relationships. I looked to other people and found at least two other couples that I could learn from. I could be like, “Wow! What do they got?” Because they seemed to experience that love, passion, they were connected, they had great communication and you know what I found was a pattern in those couples. That was that both people were into learning and growth and personal development so interesting something to see there. Anyway so what’s your compelling future vision? That’s a super important key to have confidence in love and relationships. To see what you really want and get excited about it. We’re going to take a quick break right now and when come back we’re going to talk to talk about the remaining two keys for confidence and love and relationship. Stay tuned.
Hey welcome back. So the second key and this one is extremely important and often overlooked is; core self-worth also known as self-love. That might sound kind of vague or kind of I don’t know clichéd or something but man! Here’s the thing if you– the amount of love that you let in, that you can experience from others from a romantic partner is not controlled by how much they’re giving you, it’s controlled by how much you let in. Someone could be like gushing love, “I love you. You’re so handsome. You’re so beautiful. I love you.” And you can feel nothing inside because you’re closing it down, you’re blocking it off or you can be totally open and receive it and feel warm in your heart like, “Thank you. Wow! Awesome. Thank you so much.” And receive the gift of love.
What controls that is your own level of love, your level of worthiness around love, your deservingness of love and how much you love yourself because if you are perceive yourself as unlovable for a variety of reasons then you’re not going to let it in. We need to heal this wound. In fact that’s really when I do extended work with people in the mastermind program and other stuff. That’s I mean– it’s a huge chunk of what we’re doing for like a year [chuckles]. It is healing up all this stuff that tells us that we’re not worthy because there’s a million reasons why we think we’re not good enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough, not intelligent enough and therefore we’re not worthy of love. If we’re not worthy of love then there’s just so many things that come from that. We don’t even go talk to that person that we’re attracted to because why would I go talk to them if they’re not– because look at me, what do I got?
Or we do go talk to them but we’re all nervous because they’re like, “Oh! There’s someone better than me. I’m just this (18.08). And they are, “Oooh! [chuckles]. Or we broke up the courage, we play it cool, we talked to them, we get a number, we go on a date and then we’re just like, “Oh! They’re going to find out who I really am.” Every stage of the game this comes up; this core self-worth. If you want confidence in love and relationships, you got to get good at loving yourself. This is something that is so important. That’s what we have multiple podcasts on it. It’s a key theme and all my books and videos and teachings and programs is; you have to learn this. This is a skill of self-love and the biggest obstacle is not knowing how to do it. The biggest obstacle is this strange resistance that people have, we have, to doing it. Isn’t that crazy like right now, in this very second as you’re listening to me and you hear me saying like, “Hey if you want to have an amazing relationship, you got to learn how to love yourself better.
Maybe you’re like, “Yeah okay I want to.” Or what I’ve often found a lot of people are kind of like, “(19.15) because is there’s something, is there another key tip? [chuckles] I don’t we have to do this one.” And there is always resistance to loving ourselves. “Why, why do I not deserve it yet? I got to be better.” If I start as a big one– if I start loving myself right now as I am then how am I going to be motivated to succeed? That’s the most just twisted jumble of logic ever, let me unravel that for you. If you think I’m going to love myself now and I’m not motivated to succeed and be better, the question is, is that true really? Does not loving yourself actually motivate you? You might say, “Yes it does.” But really examine that because it might actually be draining a lot of energy and you know what loving yourself might actually be a much better source of energy and might drive you a whole lot more; that’s a big one to consider.
But even let’s just say like, “Yeah I know I’m going to remove love for myself there if I’m going to be successful.” Okay what? Then you’ve gotten successful you got that money, you got that job, you got that status, you got that car, you got that body, you got that new learning or intellectual knowledge, you’ve done that new experience whatever it is you’re pushing yourself to do by not loving yourself; you’ve gotten better in all those ways, now what? “Oh! Now I’ll be worthy of love and then I can receive love.” So you’re going to push it way out into the future just so you can get what it is that you really want right now. It’s not insane and yet we’re doing this and we’re doing this because it’s on autopilot. Because somewhere we learned that our love ability is conditional; you should learn that from family, school, mostly family. Your love is conditional, if you’re this way then I love you.
So we’re like, “How can I go into a relationship right now as an adult sort of primary sources of love?” Maybe you (21.09) it from your parents but it’s not the same as when you were a kid. Right now you want love, you want to love from a partner on a give and receive love with a romantic partner. “But how can I do that? Love is conditional. I got to be awesome in all these ways.” If there’s one thing I want to share about that is like no you don’t know, no you don’t. The biggest obstacle to you not having the love that you want in your life is not that you don’t have big enough biceps or skinny enough legs or enough money in your bank account that is a story. In fact that’s a story that keeps you from putting yourself out there to protect you from rejection. The truth is that you are lovable right now. If you were to put yourself out there boldly freely, authentically, consistently then you would find that you would have lots of people that are interested in you and it would be irrelevant.
The thing that you’re telling yourself the reason why you can’t have love is irrelevant when you have the courage and the boldness and the willingness and the heart to put yourself out there; so that’s the second key to confidence is to really work on loving yourself and look dude if you want to know how to do that, go back and listen to previous episodes. I have some interviews with a guy named Kamal (22.25) all about self-love; any episode is about self-compassion. You can check out the confidence code and the whole first half of my program the confidence code is about self-esteem and how to talk to ourselves and like systematically tools on how to love yourself. There’re so many different ways to do it. There’re books on it; you can check out at (22.42) Hendricks. It’s got a great book called learning to love yourself you can check out (22.48) which is all about how to accept yourself unconditionally. I could go on and on here. If you’re really interested you will find a way; Google or Amazon or (22.58) I mean these things are accessible instantly.
So when we say, “Oh! I don’t know how.” That’s just means we’re not ready, we’re not willing so if you’re willing I encourage you to take action on that. We’re going to take a quick break and we will be right back right after this.
Hey welcome back. The third key to confidence in love and relationships is to be less nice, “Uuuuuu! What does he mean?” Less nice and more you because one of the major pitfalls in love and relationships any sort of social connection but especially romantically is we go into pleasing mode. We go in thinking because I’m not good enough, because I’m not worthy I got to do whatever I need to do, do my song and dance and get you to like me. I got to impress you, I got to make you impressed by me or intrigued by me or attracted by me so we read books about it, we read pickup artists stuff about it, we read how to tell stories that make us look good, we do whatever a million and one things; make sure our hair is just right in the mirror to be just right, to please that other person, to get them to like us, to make sure that they are impressed.
But there’s this funny paradox in life where the harder we’re trying to get something, the more desperation we use. The more desperate we become actually even if we don’t start that way and if you’re trying to make and impress someone intentionally you almost certainly will not. It will most certainly backfire. When you’re trying to get someone to like you similarly will most certainly backfire. It will backfire in several ways either a) most often they’ll just energetically feel it and be repelled. They can feel like you want something from them. You’re trying to control them in a way. You’re trying to control their perception of you and they feel that and they don’t like it. Psychically it feels uncomfortable. Or another way that it backfires is maybe you pull it off. Maybe they don’t feel that kind of trying to get something out of them or it’s subtle or maybe they’re just as desperate as well [chuckles] and so you get in. You’re like, “Yeah, it works. I impressed them and now they like me.”
But guess what? You are not being you. In order to do that you are either pretending to be a certain way or playing up certain things or usually hiding different qualities about yourself. You do that little song-and-dance and now you’re kind of trapped, “I know this one really well because I did this for a long time.” Then you are stuck because you have to maintain this performance. “I have to keep being this way.” So the way out of this trap is to be less nice and more you and that is such a huge topic that I’m actually writing an entire book on it. In fact that book is almost done and in just a couple of weeks here we’re going to start a three episode series leading up to the launch of the book where I want to share the best secrets from that book. It’s called ‘Not nice’ and it’s coming out in the end of September. I’m going to be sharing the secrets from the book; the core teachings all for free all here on the podcast and then at the end of September, I believe it’s September 27th, 29th something like that we’ll be having a launch day. You’ll be able to get a copy for $0.99 on Kindle and that book is a beast.
It is huge, it is extremely thorough and is the exact path out of niceness and people-pleasing and approval seeking and conflict avoidance and guilt and trying to get everyone to like you into being a way more bold powerful authentic version. To really get a handle on that I’m going to encourage you to check out that book but for now here are the key things you want to do. You’re going to practice saying what’s true instead of what you think the other person wants to hear. That means being less worried about, “How is this going to be taken? Are they going to like this?” And just saying what’s true for you. What do you think? What do you feel? What is your experience? Sharing that, asking the questions that you want to ask, asking for what you want, saying no to what you don’t want to do, “Hey do you want to go on a bike ride for our date?” “No, I’m not a real fan of bike riding; I’m going to go for a walk.” “Huh! But wait a minute, what if they like bike riding and then I said that and now I ruined my chances with them?”
Look if you’re being you and you don’t like to ride bikes, how, and they’re an avid bicyclists then shit you want to enter a relationship with that and then add that as a point of contention? Why not just be you from the beginning? Now I know that that takes development of ourselves; that there’re a lot of fears that we need to overcome. So these are just the three keys that are pointing you in the right direction. The book was really going to help you not nice. Learning to love yourself as I mentioned a ton of tools on how to do that and of course of course, of course, of course I couldn’t highly recommend coming to the event enough because that’s where you’re going to learn viscerally in your body. It’s not just a bunch of me talking and you intellectually, it’s like we do stuff, we do activities, we do exercises, we go out into the real world and practice stuff. We viscerally help you transform. That means in your body, in your emotions you feel a difference and that’s what makes all the difference so that’s obviously the most powerful thing I would suggest as well and in the mean-time, time for action.
Action step for today it’s going to choose your own venture ready. Option a) really sit down and come up with a compelling future vision for your relationship and write it out on paper or in a note file or something actually write or type it out. It’s extremely powerful you’ve never done that, it’s worth it. Everything you want in a relationship and a partner and not only what are they like but what do you like in the relationship? What do you do together? What is your experience like? How is the love? How is the passion? What kinds of activities do you together? Get like a totally clear vision of exactly what you want in your relationship, that’s option a). Option b) is to follow up with one of those self-love resources that I mentioned and really make a practice this week of self-love. It can be as simple as like just setting the intention right now. Like, “Hey I’m going to go easy on myself.”
That means when I notice I want to attack myself, I interrupt it. I treat myself with love and compassion and kindness that would be the second, that’s option b). Option c) is to pick one way to be less nice and more you. Maybe you say no this week when you want to say no. Maybe you ask for something that you want. Maybe you speak up for yourself when you normally would be quiet. So picking one place to be less nice and more you is option c). Of course you can do just one of those option a), b) or c). You’re hardcore, extreme overachiever you can do all of the above. That choice is yours and whatever you choose I’m sure it’s perfect. It’s been awesome being with you today. Thank you so much for listening. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to being who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.