How To Let Go Of Worry And Enjoy Talking To Anyone With Confidence
Do you enjoy being social? Is it fun, engaging, absorbing, and energizing? Or do you dread it, avoid it, endure it, or get through it with great effort, feeling drained afterwards?
It might not be your personality or that you’re introverted, or whatever you’re telling yourself. It might just be that you’re doing it all wrong.
Today you’re going to learn 7 powerful ways to break through so you can enjoy social interactions on a whole new level – for friendships, relationships, networking, business and anything else.
Click below to hear this episode!
Are you doing it all wrong, being social doesn’t have to be so frustrating!
Hey! Welcome to today’s episode of the show.
Today, we’re going to be getting into 7 ways to enjoy being more social and this is incredibly more important because either we’re scared of it and we avoid it and we don’t do it or we can all of the people that I talked to kind of force themselves to be more social but they don’t enjoy it. And then there is this kind of catch 22 a bad place like caught between two bad options, right? Either I avoid it and I’m lonely and I don’t have a life that I want or I go out there and I do it but then I’m drained and I’m not really enjoying it, so what’s the point? And that’s sort of the other two options and I want to help you break through that and we’re going to do that today in today’s episode. If you want to jump into the show call the hotline. Leave me a message on there I will answer your questions and upcoming shows, (206) 338-3176.
You can also go for shrinkfortheshyguy.com at https://www.shrinkfortheshyguy.com and you can go on there and leave a message, etc. And one other thing, if you’ve been listening to the show for a little while and you like it and you appreciate this please go to iTunes and give it a review there that helps us reach more people and expand the operation mass liberation movement, you know. Touch as many people as we can to help them realize that they’re not stuck and maybe you’ve already realized that or you’re starting to realize that as you listen to that and help us reach a lot of people so we can do that by reviewing the show thanks in advance for doing that.
Let’s now dive in to 7 ways to enjoy being more social. So what’s the first way? One is talk about what you want to talk about. Talk about what you want to talk about. Now this might seem a little counterintuitive, maybe you’re like I heard I was I was supposed to ask good questions, I heard people don’t like people that talk about themselves too much, I heard that, you know, I’m supposed to be really polite and talk about what they want to talk about. But you know, what? At least there are boring uncomfortable unpleasant social interactions. Because here’s the thing, if so much of the time especially if we’re overcoming social fear and social anxiety we’re nervous to talk to people we have this, you know, core story of I’m not good enough, people aren’t going to like me, blah, blah, blah. If you want to break through that check out my book, The Solution to Social Anxiety get it on Audible or Amazon. There’s a whole thing in here about how to let go of that core people aren’t going to like me, I’m not good enough, BS story.
So we’re coming from that place and when people start to overcome it like okay I’m going to go into a conversation but I have to do it just right and I got to make sure that they like me and so I got to talk about what they want to talk about and pretend like I’m really interested and just keep them asking question after question about what they’re going to talk about and then they’re going to like me. And maybe they will, maybe they won’t because they’ll feel you’re eager to please energy which actually tends to repel people. But maybe they will and maybe you won’t enjoy yourself and then you’re not going to want to do it again and that doesn’t help anyone. So we got to talk about what we want to talk about. So that doesn’t mean that you just steamroll over anything that someone says and don’t give them any chance to talk about themselves but for example someone is sharing something about their weekend like, oh we went to a lake and someone had a boat and we went water skiing, blah, blah, blah, and when you’re listening to them notice what they say and find the thing that interests you in there and talk about that. So they talk about going to a lake, they talk about having a boat, they talk about water skiing, they talk about being in the mountains for in this example.
Is there one of those four that’s more interesting to you? Is there one of those four that you relate to more? So the first thing I think of is this just popped into my head is being in a mountain near Portland here, Portland, Oregon called Mountain Hood and this is actually from last summer where we were driving back from somewhere and we stopped in Mountain Hood and there was this gorgeous lake called Frog Lake. That’s the first thing that popped in my mind. So I might ask him about what kind of lake they went to or did they have trees around it? I might even tell them, aww that reminds of I love being out in the mountains. I went to this place called Frog Lake on Mountain Hood, have you ever been there? Assuming I’m talking to someone, you know, local or something.
So you see now I can talk about what I want to talk about and I can ask the question, I can engage with them but I’m not just lie, wow, cool. And then what happened? Or just silently nodding or just letting, you know, so you can insert yourself. You can bring up what you want to talk about, you can share stories that you want to share, you can ask the questions that you want to ask, and it can be related to what they’re talking about but it doesn’t have to be only their running the show that’s coming from being in a very passive place in conversations which makes them really not that enjoyable. So, tip 1 talk about what you want to talk about.
Tip 2, is relax. It’s not a performance. Social interactions, conversations, chatting with people, talking in groups, none of it is a performance. So many people approach it with this performance mentality because they’re evaluating the hell out of themselves in their heads. Is that good enough? Oh my god did the people like that? Was that funny? What if no one laughs? Did I say the right thing? Did they like what I’m saying? That wasn’t good enough. And their constantly giving themselves a grade in their head and usually the grade is bad, C or below. And then they feel bad afterwards. Oh I didn’t perform well enough. Well I just don’t like socializing. I’m just an introvert. It’s just not my thing. And no it’s just because you’re not in the moment enjoying yourself, you’re beating yourself up. You’re evaluating yourself and when we’re constantly evaluating ourselves for something it’s not fun. If you’re playing basketball and you’re always evaluating how you’re doing it’s not fun. Any sport, any game, anything that you’re doing when there’s heavy evaluation of it, it immediately suck the joy out of it. So we got to relax. You don’t have to be amazing. This doesn’t have to be a performance.
I had a client who I was telling this to and we were talking about this exact thing and he’s like, well, if I’m not performing then what am I doing in a conversation? That was a god question. So what do you think? If you’re not performing, if you just look, if you just take a deep breath in right now with me, let it out. And do that one more time in case you missed the first one. Take a deep breath in, and just let it out slowly with a sigh. And as you do just let go of needing to perform in any conversation with anyone. What would you do instead? What would it be about if it wasn’t about performance or evaluation? What if it was about connection, about being curious, curious about them, wonder, interest, fascination? What is it was about expression, sharing, the joy of being seen by someone of being known by someone? What if that’s what those were about? Or could it be about for you if it wasn’t a performance? That’s tip 2, relax. It’s not a performance.
What’s the third way to enjoy being more social? Number 3 is there is no right thing to say. That’s a really important one. Because so often people are nervous and uncomfortable with interactions, they avoid interactions and ask them why and they’ll say I didn’t know what to say. Have you ever said that to yourself? I didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t know what to say them. Go talk to that group of 3 people. I don’t know what to say to them. Oh, those two people were talking I just didn’t know what to say so I didn’t do it. The I didn’t know what to say is a cover for fear or scared of going over and talking to the so that’s helpful to peel the layer back there. But under that is this belief, it’s an assumption about the world that there is a right thing to say, right? I didn’t know what to say implies that there is something right to say and I didn’t know what it was so I didn’t do it. But what if there is no right thing because there isn’t. You can walk up and say anything to anyone. You just walk up, hey guys how are you doing? Or you can go up and say, um, do you like turkey? First thing that came to my mind. You could do that.
There’s a great game I played with a friend it’s called the line game where, you know, you go out with a group of several friends or just one friend and you take turns and you have to go up to someone and say a specific line in a specific way that your friends create for you and it could be for women, it could be for anyone, and so the idea is to do kind of ridiculous things and watch the other person do it. And it’s incredibly liberating. So that actually could be from a line game. Do you like turkey? And the person’s like, ugh. And you can follow that up. So you can start a conversation with anything. It doesn’t matter what you say because it’s your energy, it’s your attitude, it’s your ability to keep the conversation going, it’s your ability to be spontaneous and fun and humorous and alive and expressive. That is what matters unless there is no right thing to say. So just let that go. There is no right thing to say. I can say anything. I can say anything that I can think of to say to start a conversation is a good thing because it gets in the conversation.
The 4th tip is to get better at being social. That’s a big one. Get better at being comfortable talking to people. Because when we are not good at something we don’t like it very much, right? So I am good with computers and so someone is like, hey you want to learn this program or this system or this software? I’m like, okay. And it could be fun for me. Maybe. It depends on what it is, right? But, you know, if it’s somebody who don’t know how to use these computers it’s like overwhelming and freaks them out. For me, that’s my car. So someone is like or a better example. There is a guy where actually my wife and I are getting a house with our little son there it’s awesome. It’s a small little place not that extravagant but incredibly like a really nice yard and we’re very excited about it it’s here in Portland and we were having this guy look at like a contractor look at it before we got it just to see what he thought about if we wanted to make one of the bedrooms a little bigger. And he was telling us all kinds of stuff and he’s like, yeah, well you know, I could, you know, me and my team could take care of x, y, and z, of course you, and he pointed to me, could do this, blah, blah, blah, your chimney in the house is no longer in use so you could get a group of friends together and dismantle and take that, you know, collapse the chimney. And I was just kind of looking at him and I was like, yeah, no I’m not going to do that. And he was like, why not? And I was like, I don’t know. And the reality is I’ve never done anything like that. I suck at it. I’m not a construction guy. And maybe, you know, as a homeowner we can learn or something, ugh.
But you see that? Do you see that energy that I have about it? I don’t want to and I’d rather not. And that’s because I’m not good at it and I didn’t learn it growing up, my dad never showed me anything. He was like an engineer turned businessman, you know. So that’s what I learned from him but I didn’t know anything about, you know, repair something in my house or carpentry or any of that stuff. So I suck at it so I don’t like it but this guy loves it, right? I mean this is his bread and butter because that’s what he does for work. So anything that we suck at we typically don’t like and as we get better and better and better at something we start to enjoy it more, don’t we? Is there something in your life right now that you can think of that now you’re good at it and so you like it more? A spore, an activity, a hobby? And maybe we in drawing for example art. Maybe when you first started you weren’t that good at it and it wasn’t as fun as it is now.
So get better at socializing, having conversations. The question is, how do you get better? Thinking of the answer to that one by now. Just practice it. Practice it a lot. So just talk to people a lot. Do it a lot. Get better at it. Study it. Get my program, The Confidence Code actually. The Confidence Code is entirely designed. The whole second module is about, you know, mastering your social interactions. How to start conversations, how to keep them going, how to know what to say, how to join in to groups. All that stuff so study it, invest in it. Practice it. Get better at it and you’ll start to like it more. Because, you know, it’s like playing an instrument. When, you know, I play the guitar and when I first played the guitar I liked it actually but it wasn’t nearly, you know, I couldn’t pick it up and play something that sounded very good. And it’s the same thing with social interactions. Once you can do it better you can have these great, you know, engaging conversations that last all night with someone or for hours or even just 10 minutes but you’re laughing and you’re having a great time and you can do that by getting better at it.
The 5th way to enjoy being more social is be random. Be more random in your conversations. So many people are bored in their conversations. Shit, man, so many people are bored in their lives. They go to a job they kind of bored by, they do work that’s sort of boring, they watch TV shows that are so entertaining for the moment but top that exciting, nothings really that amazing, they have the same routines every day. Life’s just kind of boring. And this is because there’s no randomness. There is no unpredictability. There’s no challenge or stress or growth. It’s just the same thing. And that’s how conversations often are. How was your weekend? Cool. What did you do? Interesting. You know, and we just kind of talk about the same stuff. We just got to be random. You just got to say shit that comes into your mind. And I do that all the time. So I’m talking to someone and I do what’s called loose association. So they say something and it makes me think of something else and I’ll just say that. You know what that reminds me of is do you remember Cabbage Patch Kids Cards? I want you to say something like that, that I’ll ask them and they’ll get engaged with that. They’ll say yes or no. If they say no I’d be like, really? And I’ll tell them about it with enthusiasm. If they say yes then we can start talking about that and it’s fun and it’s random and it makes people think. And randomness is the key to being funny and humorous, and making people laugh. So that’s an incredibly valuable skill as well to be able to do that.
And, another thing about randomness is usually we don’t do that because we’re scared of taking risks and we’re worried that people, you know, might not prove of what we said. I’m getting ahead of myself. That is another one of the 7 tips.
So for now, be random. Just go for it, give it a shot and if you’re worried that then stay tuned because that’s one of the upcoming tips is how to be free of that. So we’re going to take a quick break right now and when we get back we’re going to get into the final 2 tips one of which is probably the most important one that doing the other six without having this last tip might be a little difficult. So you can, you can absolutely but stay tuned. You want to listen to the rest of this because you’re going to find out the final one which kind of ties them all together.
So what’s the 6th way to enjoy being more social. By the way, what are you learning so far? What’s standing out to you? Of the 5 that I listed which one is the most like immediately uhuh moment for you? Talk about what you want to talk about. Relax is not a performance. There’s no right thing to say. Get better having conversations and be random. Which one is kind of like, oh cool. I’m going to do that one and hopefully you’re going to do all 5. But which one is, oh yeah, that makes sense to me? You’re uhuh the most valuable one so far for you. Cool. In fact, go to facebook.com/socialconfidence which is the sort of the hub for the Shrink for the Shy Guy as well as the whole Social Confidence Center and just share. What is it? Which type are you going to start applying? How are you going to use it in your life? I just want to kind of, you know, help you think on these things because sometimes we can get into this kind of passive learning mode like we did in school we’re just sort of sitting there absorbing. I want you to be really engaged with me here. Because it’s like *0:19:32 you listen to this episode but I want you to go out there and do something different in your life. That’s the whole purpose of this, right? So, that’s going to bring you in more and really think about how you’re going to apply this stuff in your life.
The 6th way to enjoy being more social is to amuse yourself. Amuse yourself. I remember one time I was hanging out in Dorman College and my roommate in College was Sam Timko. Confident son of a bitch that guy was. Oh how I hated him. I was so horribly insecure, stuck in shyness, and he was talking to women coming into our room and sleeping in his bed with him and I was having no women. But anyway I remember one time we were in this dorm room and a friend resumed down the hall and there’s maybe like 5 or 6 guys in there we were all talking and I remember I was just watching Sam and I notice like he’d make a joke or something that people may or may not have laughed at but he was amused by what he was saying. His goal was not to get other people to laugh although people often did at what he said. His goal was to amuse himself. So he’d say something and he’d kind of smirk or smile after he said it because he found it funny or engaging, even if the other person didn’t get it. Even if it went right over their head, even if other people didn’t laugh. His focus was to amuse himself, to entertain himself, to enjoy himself in the conversation as opposed to the more insecure and unconfident anxious way of conversations which is what I did at that time which is how do I make them like me, how do I make sure they’re enjoying themselves, how do I make sure they’re having a good time. And that’s your whole focus. And what that does is it makes you enjoy yourself a lot less. So amuse yourself is the 6th way of being more comfortable and enjoying yourself more socially.
What’s the 7th one? This one is the most important one of all because we can spend so much of our energy and focus in fear around taking risks. What if I say that and people don’t like me? I don’t want to be myself because what if they find something out about me that they won’t like. I got to perform so that they’ll like me. All the other things that I’m trying to help you let go of in today’s show come back to this one.
So here’s the 7th tip that’s going to set you free. Re you ready? If you’re taking notes by the way hopefully you’re writing these down, if not I encourage that take notes during the show. I mean this stuff is incredibly valuable. I don’t know what are the people teaching out there in their podcast but this is like exact stuff that I’m doing with people in sessions, this is incredibly valuable stuff that people pay me, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars to learn each month and I want to give this to you for free but the way that you’re going to change your life with it is to take notes and do it. So, what’s the 7thh one? The 7th one is people are going to like you or they’re not. That’s it. People are going to like you or they’re not. And there’s not a whole lot that you’re going to do about it. And I know we don’t like that because we’re like, but wait a minute. If I’m more confident and outgoing then more people will like me, right? Well, there’s some truth to that but really what’s happening is the only we have control over is how much of ourselves we put out there, right? So you can show up and be really guarded and quiet and not talk to anyone and then someone says, how are you doing? You say, fine, fine. Right? And maybe they’re not going to like you that much but maybe they still will. You know it’s like it’s amazing how this stuff works. But you know they might not, not because you’re bad or something but because they didn’t connect with you. They couldn’t connect with them because you didn’t reveal much of yourself. But you show up and you’re just yourself, your corky self, your funny self, your random self, and go back if you haven’t listened to that I think the episode was called something like, Confidence Transformation Story or The Confidence Success Story Matt’s Transformation, that’s probably what it was.
Go back and listen to that. There was a client that I worked with and I interviewed him for the show just because he had so many great insights and his story was so inspiring and anywhere in there he realized he’s got a corky sense of humor, he’s a funny guy but he would kind of hide it because he thought it was too weird or too random. And the more he let it out the more people loved him. So you got to let more of yourself out. Take those risks, say those things, talk what you want to talk about. Just show up and not perform and connect with people. Just say whatever comes to mind and not be the right thing. Whenever you’re spontaneous the arising thing to say is, let the random stuff that comes into your mind just come out of you. Just be more and more expressive and more more of yourself and then people are going to like you or they’re not and you got to need control over it. And the more you can put yourself out there the more people have an opportunity to connect with you so more people will respond positively, but a fair amount won’t. I mean in any group of 10 people let’s say you’re in a room of 10 people and you got a chance to talk to all of them and hang out with each other 1 on 1 and then do some small group stuff and then do a big group thing and really get to know these 10 people. Oh but say there’s 10 and you’re one of them so these 9 other people. At the end of the day if you were too, you know, say, hey I want to go out to lunch or dinner with some people would you equally want to sit next to all 10 or all 9? No, right? There’d be some people like, you know like, aahh they’re okay, or aahh I don’t know I don’t really like them that much. I just don’t. I don’t know. They’re kind of boring to me or whatever. And there’s going to be those people like, oh yeah that person’s awesome. I want to hang out with him again. And you might not horribly dislike the other people but just not that nah. Or maybe one or two you will be like, ugh I don’t like that person, right? And no one is bad, no one is wrong.
That’s just how humans are. I mean, how could you love everyone and want to spend time with everyone equally. I mean there’s an energetic thing, right? There is a resonance there. So people are going to like you or they’re not. Just start putting yourself out there, start doing it more and more and more. In fact that brings us to our action step for today.
Your action step for today is to put yourself out there more and more and more and these 7 tips, these 7 ways of enjoying being more social will help you do that. So to put yourself out there more I’d say pick one of these ways, one of these tips and decide that you’re going to do that for at least several days, maybe a whole week. You can do more than that if you want but I think sometimes, you know, digesting things in bite-sized chunks is more helpful. I did suggest writing down all 7 so you have them somewhere. Write it down in your phone or in your computer or in a sheet of paper, a notebook, or a journal. So you have all 7 you can go back to it but for now just pick one. And say, I’m going to do that. I’m going to be more random this week or I’m going to talk about more of what I want to talk about this week or I want to amuse myself more in conversations this week. Whatever it is for you choose it and apply it and let us know how it goes. Go to facebook.com/socialconfidence and share about your experience. Go to Shrink for the Shy Guy as well. You can leave a message there and let us know how it goes because I’m so curious about your growth about your progress.
And until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.
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