Discover How Being Authentically Yourself Creates Attraction And Outstanding Relationships
Did you learn that you had to be somehow “better” or “cooler” in order to be attractive? Most of us have been conditioned to think that just being ourselves — especially soon after meeting someone — will make them not like us. Instead, we think we’re supposed to impress them, or somehow “win them over.”
Join Dr. Aziz as he interviews Dr. Dan Wile — one of the world’s leading Couples Experts — uncovering how attraction and outstanding realtionships are really created.
Click below to hear this episode!
Learn more about Dr. Dan Wile’s powerful work with couples here.
Dr. Dan Wile is one of the world’s leading experts in Couples Therapy. He helps people from all over the world create outstanding relationships through teaching them how to be more authentically themselves. Click the link above to learn more about training opportunities offered by Dr. Wile in the upcoming months.
How Being Yourself Is Sexy
Hey, welcome to today’s episode! Today, you’re going to learn how being yourself is sexy. Oh, yeah, you know, we have to think that we have to do something or become something to be sexy. We have to get more in shape, more fit, more awesome, we have to be more charismatic, more storytelling, more success, and more better, better, better then I’ll be sexy. Right now I’m kind of, yeah, I’m not that way. And we think that we have to really shift something deeply.
And what I’m excited today is I’m going to be interviewing one of the leading couples experts in the world, well, I think just as, it transformed my relationship with my wife and how I approach relationships in general. But he teaches something that is really powerful which is that we spend so much time hiding what’s going in on inside of us because we don’t want to look not sexy, not attractive, not compelling, not desirable but the opposite is true. I actually revealing what’s happening inside of us in a moment, moment to moment, you create outstanding connection, you create feelings of love and chemistry, enjoy.
You really know and connect with another person and ultimately it’s sexier. You feel more turned on, you feel sexy and that’s something I’ve seen again and again and again in my relationship with my wife. You know, it’s not what Cosmo says, it’s not, you know, the 47 tricks that make your men go crazy and let’s do this with arm and wear this outfit and do this with tongue, all of a sudden he is amazed. Yeah, no that doesn’t work that way, it’s not true, it’s just to sell magazine.
And what’s really true is not that glamorous but it’s, hey really take the risk and be vulnerable and be yourself and be honest and reveal who you are and help that other person do the same and you will connect and it will feel amazing. Not the most enticing article to sell in a magazine and it’s a little more complicated than most, but most people want but it’s really works. And it produces a deep, deep sense of connection and passion. I first and foremost can say that I’m incredibly grateful to have learned the stuff from Dan and other people to really enhance my relationships because I used to be so stuck in it.
You know, whacking those in the pick up artist days, I used to think that I had to know just the right thing to say in all the right times and not reveal any weaknesses and not talk about the kind of work that I did to create mystery, you know, I mean that sounds stuff familiar and there’s a lot of people out there teaching this stuff but it is the exact opposite of what creates a healthy relationship. So, without further ado, let’s jump in to my interview with Dan.
For today’s episode our interview is for someone whom I am really excited to speak with. He is a teacher and a distance mentor of mine through his books and his trainings. I’ve learned so much from him. And his name is Dr. Dan Wile. And he is a world renown couples therapist, he has been working as a clinical psychologist for over 35 years and he’s been acclaimed by John Gottman, who is one of the, another leader in the field who says, you know, just how much he’s learned from Dr. Dan Wile and how much he continues to learn from him.
And he teaches all over the country, how couples can improve their relationships? I mean he has a tremendous insight into how people can shift themselves in relationships to improve, to grow stronger. And some of his book titles really just capture his philosophy which I love. One is, After the Honeymoon, How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship and that book has been absolute life changing for me in transforming our relationship. And another one called After the Fight, Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship.
So there are so many interesting questions that I’m excited to ask Dan here about couples and relationships and shyness and how that all works together. So, thank you so much for coming on the show Dan, I appreciate that.
Dr. Dan Wile: Glad to be here.
Dr. Aziz: You know what, before we get in, I just want to give people a little more of a window into how you work. And I remember the first time I actually saw you was in, so I read some of your books and the first time I saw you was in a video training you have and it was your collaborate couples approach to therapy. And I remember you were, there was a demonstration you were doing where you had a couple sitting, they are facing each other in chairs. And you had them talk about something that usually lead to a fight.
And what happen is you were off to the side and then the woman would say something like, you know, every time we talk about this you shut down and I’m tired of you being, you know, why are you so withdrawn all the time? And you like screed on your hands and knees to get behind her and you said like, you said what she was really thinking and feeling like underneath. You said something like, you know, I’m feeling lonely and scared and I miss the good times that we had together.
You know, and then the man would say something like, I’m not always withdrawing, I am blah, blah, blah and then you screed on your hands and knees and got behind him. And you said what he was really thinking and feeling. And first of all, I just loved your playfulness and your willingness to just put yourself out there and I was amazed that how you were able to get one layer deeper into underneath what someone was saying to what they were thinking and feeling and wanting.
And, you know, I would love if I think you have just such tremendous insight and I think listeners could benefits so much from, you know, hearing more about what’s going on underneath the surface. Did you remember the training I’m talking about?
Dr. Dan Wile: Yeah. I do remember that. That’s my general message that people are having an argument but underneath it is a kind of conversation. And then in argument all you is attack or defend. And all the warm feelings are hidden down in there, somewhere or the longings or whatever it is. So it’s possible as an outsider to take a look at what’s going on and imagine, you know, what’s stuck under belly feelings, under there that lead to this angry statement and then make a step with them.
Dr. Aziz: And what I’m curious about is because I think there’s, you know, kind of, you know, in listen to this show probably falls into, you know, one of two major camps is a number of people or in a place where I was where they were really held back by shyness and having a hard time finding a relationship and then there’s maybe other listeners who are in a relationship but are challenged in some way. And I’d love to start with the first group. Let’s say someone is shy, they’re reluctant to make a move or go talk to someone or ask someone out.
Do you have sense of what might be going on for them underneath or what’s kind of what’s the layer underneath? What are the soft under belly feelings like what’s happening for that person?
Dr. Dan Wile: Well, having been person like that myself, well, it’s sort of sudden feeling that this person couldn’t possibly like you. And suddenly awareness that your anxiety is kind keeping you from being able to really say anything charming or careful or something would make the other person comfortable so that you’re sort of, I’m sort of noticing myself being anxious and untied and then that feeds on itself and it’s kind of hard to say anything. And then once in a while I might kept something out, kind of seems kind of awkward to me and so that can discourage me more.
And then there can be some women who don’t seem to mind that and who talk in kind of comfortable way. And so then I can have some kind of relationship with them where I’m not so anxious and then and relax them and then it is easier to whatever charm is potentially in me to come out in that kind of situation in such a person or I have to wait until later in my life when I get a little bit more confident. A tiny way, you know, it’s a struggle people have a trouble with it. I have a lot of trouble with it. So, that’s what I think is going on.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. I think that captures it very well and that’s a common challenge I hear is, you know, when I’m relax on some level, I know I’m okay guy and I have something to offer but when I get anxious, I am just totally frozen or awkward. And I notice that there is a tremendous fear often about revealing that we’re anxious. And I’m wondering, how that works? Would you imagine in the very, so maybe it works differently when you’re in a relationship. But before you’re in a relationship, when you’re first talking to that or you’re on the first date for example, is it okay to reveal anxiety then or does that backfire? What are your thoughts on that?
Dr. Dan Wile: Boy, I don’t know. I do remember seeing a person who is quite confident within a group and he was anxious and I sort of said, you know, I’m anxious, I’m going to take couple of breaths. And I thought that was endearing. So, theoretically that could be endearing or he’s saying, you know, you’re so beautiful, it takes my breath away I don’t even know how to talk. It could be either, I don’t know, whether it would come across endearing or whether it will come across that’s a line or is drawing attention to it.
So being from the perspective of a person who have that experience, I don’t know what it would be. I supposed it’s probably better than just sitting there and this performance anxiety state and saying nothing.
Dr. Aziz: Right. So maybe just better to just stay in and take the risk and see what happens.
Dr. Dan Wile: Yeah, yeah. Unfortunately when a person is in, there’s kind of performance anxiety kind of state, it’s really hard to take a risk.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dr. Dan Wile: And just to sort of standing up straight right there in the situation and continuing their conversation it’s all a part and if, you know, I suppose you can kind of mobilize yourself ahead of time to prepare to feel that way and then it’s fine after saying a few things like that. I think it’s probably being more effective than not saying anything.
Dr. Aziz: Sure and I think you learn a lot by experimenting. And certainly more by experimenting than by holding back and not initiating at all with the person, so I think that’s a great way to learn is to experiment. And what I’m curious about is, we’ll do that, so many different questions, let’s see which can be the most, the first one I’d like to get to, well, you know, there’s a kind of resource available to men online that it could be collectively called the pickup artist community. And they’re not necessarily all, you know, part of the same official group.
But there’s a number of teachers, usually men but some of them are women who say, hey I can teach you how to meet women and overcome your fears and become really confident and, you know, that’s where I, when I was first starting to realize that I could maybe change how I felt and address my anxiety, that’s where I first turned. And that’s why we’re listening to some of these programs and they really, it’s almost like a college course in, you know, talking to women and there’s a lot of information about your mindset which I found really valuable and that’s why I teach men now.
But there’s also a lot of stuff about, you know, how to be more mysterious and how to not be, you know, how to be an alpha man or dominant in ways that are attractive to women and how to not, if she’s talking or asking you questions, how to not really answer them directly and be able to deflect them and all this stuff like that which I was curious your thoughts on, basically, it sort of teaches a man how to be more attractive to women. And my experience was sort of mixed like in some ways it did work.
But then I also was really anxious about keeping up this front of this kind of suave guy. And I’m curious what your thoughts are, just any reactions or things you have to say about that.
Dr. Dan Wile: Boy, well I haven’t heard about these things but if it helps you or it helps the person that’s already something for it. Let me ask about one part. If she asks you a question, you’re supposed to not answer it or and why is that?
Dr. Aziz: I don’t know if it would be a rule across the board to never answer but, you know, if she says like, so what do you do for work, you know, some of these teachers would suggest that you don’t say, well I’m, you know, a software engineer at Intel and because it’s sort of the typical response and it would make you look boring in some way as suppose to if you, you know, make a joke or you give her some absurd profession like, you know, I’m a male model or something like that where it’s not this kind of, you know, ironic response or something like that.
Dr. Dan Wile: Okay, well I can sort of feel what you’re talking about since like this, what this could be teaching is how to be interesting and how to avoid the kind of humdrum conversation that bores everybody.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dr. Dan Wile: And, well that sounds like something to stand up with, meaning, right humdrum gets everyone bored and it’s not very engaging for a man or a woman and so experimenting with that is, so I would really consider this and expand it because sometimes when you do that, it still be kind of productive, you know, and you think kind of awkward you but it sounds like when you didn’t, it worked.
Dr. Aziz: You know, actually I had both experiences. I think I took the rules to heart so much and this is where I think there’s a major downfall in the stuff that’s being taught is because it might have given me some ideas of what to say and do which gave me some confidence but underneath, I still didn’t feel like I was acceptable or lovable. I felt still sort of that under, you know, if I messed up I would lose everything and she would lose interest in me. So I had the experience of sometimes someone asking me what I did and I gave kind of a joking response and she laughed and it went worked well.
But I sort have internalize is as like never say what you do and so sometimes, you know, as it’s getting a little more intimate or you’re just getting to know each other and it’s not time for games, it’s just time to be honest. I stuck with the rules and ended up having women get, you know, kind of irritated or turned off in a way. So I had mixed reactions for instances.
Dr. Dan Wile: Yeah. So ideally then you would have the insight, conversations can be boring particularly when you’re kind of anxious and just give a humdrum answer. And so you want to avoid that if you can but you don’t want to come across phony or be phony either so you keep an eye on how she is responding and adjust. And at some point, bring her on the whole thing. You know, say, oops, I’m kind to be interesting now but it looks like I’m just making jokes when there is really a more serious moment.
Dr. Aziz: Wow! That is awesome and I’d imagined quite rare. I’d imagined some listeners in this like what, like you would say that to someone? But that’s what I love about your approach and your thoughts, it’s just, it really encourages people to be honest and have the courage to say what’s actually happening. Let’s pause for a moment, take a brief break and then we’ll be jumping back into our interview with Dan right after this.
Dr. Dan Wile: You know while you’re talking to somebody, you’re also having a conversation with yourself about what you’re doing and what you’re feeling. And so you can pick, you can pick certain parts of what you’re thinking, just thinking and say them. I’m always trying to remind myself to do that because a lot of what I’m thinking is much more interesting and charming and engaging for me too than what I’m saying and I keep forgetting that this is a gold mine of possible wonderful things so I could say just in terms of what I’m thinking but not saying that.
I keep reminding myself to bring the other person in on what’s going in my mind and this can be quite charming and endearing. I don’t want to bring that person in on everything because something is, you know, just aren’t things that are going to over well but lot more will than I usually think.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, that’s really interesting. I think about that often, how we have this filter and that if we were to just turn the filter down a little bit then there’s a lot more interesting things that could emerge. And especially stuff about what’s happening in the conversation or how I’m feeling about her or wondering how she is thinking or feeling about me. And I think that can lead to such exciting and rich conversation and there’s something in there that makes it maybe we’re hesitant to do it even you said like I turn around myself to it more, what do you think stops you and all of us from saying more of those things?
Dr. Dan Wile: Well, here’s an example and it sort of comes from as Woody Allen movie, Annie Hall where Woody and Annie or whatever are living with each other they’re kind of flirting but they’re having a conversation with themselves while talking to each other. And Annie is thinking, why do I keep saying these stupid things to, you know, to myself, she is saying that where she is being kind of awkward to him. But so imagine that, imagine saying, you know, I really wanted to impress you but I’m feeling, and I want to be charming and but charming things aren’t coming out.
All right now, that’s what you’d be thinking. Would you want to say that or would you not want to say that? Maybe it’d be endearing but maybe it won’t be, maybe it would showing your awkwardness. So, it’s that doubt you’ve been having about, you know, would this be a good idea or not that can keep you, can keep some people from saying without saying these things ever. There’s another type of person who is somehow of free or uninhibited in some way or has some type attitude is like, important who can freely say these things.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. Yeah.
Dr. Dan Wile: And that and in fact, you can be to charm everybody or to turn everybody off.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah and so it seems like you just, gets back to that first and we just don’t know.
Dr. Dan Wile: So the thing is to experiment which actually is what you were saying and the advice that you were given, you experimented with that and you got some success with it. And then you learn how to deal with some failures and so you’ve learned how to deal with those.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah and I think that is a key takeaway is that because we’re unsure about how it’s going to go, we tend to air on the side of caution perhaps but then we miss that opportunity to say it because in my experience, somewhere along the way I decided I didn’t want to do the pickup artist thing because it felt like I was trying to play a role and I wanted to experiment. Well’ when I’m in a relationship with the woman, I’d like there to be honest and just us to be able to be ourselves and open with each other.
And so what if I started a relationship that way and I started experimenting with doing more and more of what you were saying and my experience was pretty, pretty high in terms of positive responses.
Dr. Dan Wile: Wow! Oh really good.
Dr. Aziz: So it’s, I can’t say it was 100%. I know it wasn’t but this definitely, it worked a lot better than holding it all in. You know, which actually leads to another question I have, this is getting more into the realm of when someone is in a relationship but I’d love to hear your thoughts on this because something about it maybe brought me back to those pickup artist teachings and I just didn’t like the way it sounded or landed but I was like I wonder if they’re pointing at something and if there’s a different way to look at it.
So my wife was at breakfast with some friends last week and her two friends were saying something to the effect of, you know, in relationships, sharing too mundane life and knowing too much about your partner just eventually kills the eroticism. You know, you have to maintain a mystery in the relationship in order for there to be a sexually charge. And I initiated a negative reaction to that, I was like, I don’t agree with that but I was curious, you know, what are they pointing to, it seems like it’s a common sentiment that I hear a lot and I just love to hear your thoughts on that idea.
Dr. Dan Wile: Well, what I’d like do is to turn any kind of concern like that into an intimate conversation with my partner. So I’d say, you know, I’d heard these people who said that that you need to keep some amount of mystery to keep sexuality. Do you think that’s true for us?
Dr. Aziz: So you’re bringing it in to the relationship and creating a dialogue around it?
Dr. Dan Wile: Yeah. That’s right. In other words I’d be using whatever thoughts you’re having back in your mind, that’s a possibility of saying them and getting instant conversation going rather than just acting on them.
Dr. Aziz: Like trying to be more mysterious or something with that?
Dr. Dan Wile: That’s right. What we’re saying, you know, I’ve heard this thing and so I began to think of all the ways so I can become more mysterious.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dr. Dan Wile: Now, I can imagine a person can say, well, that’s not being more mysterious to say that, you know, being mysterious are more to secretive, something like that. So, I guess I am always sort of making the choice of confiding and so, because this a word I love, I’m glad someone invented that word confide because, and that’s sort expressing the tender feelings and the vulnerable feelings that you’re having that that’s a thing that induce this intimacy more. Now, whether mysteriousness is better than that, I don’t know. I tend to think that confiding or you’re really feeling tends to be generally more inducing a feeling of intimacy, a feeling of openness, a feeling that’s when, of sexual feeling.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, you know, I would agree with that and as I’m thinking about it more, I think it’s actually, you know, they say sharing too much mundane in life kills eroticism. I think that what happens is people are sharing their time together and doing activities together but they’re not sharing those intimate thoughts. They’re not sharing what’s really underneath, it reminds of and example of that.
Dr. Dan Wile: You know, that’s the distinction, yes, that’s what’s important. So the mundane would be, what are we going to have for dinner. Who is going to pick up the kids? But then if you add, you know, we’re talking all the time about logistics, you know, I’m kind of missing, you know, the times when we could just, so already you’re talking about, expanding back from the mundane and talking about how you feel about talking about the mundane.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. And all of a sudden it’s no longer a mundane.
Dr. Dan Wile: Right, that’d be my way out of it.
Dr. Aziz: I love it and that’s been true in my experience as well and you make a distinction in your book between by-passers and non-by-passers and just for those listening who aren’t familiar with that, a non-by passer might be someone who can say, hey let’s just go have a good time and make love and then we’ll talk about the problem or maybe even the problem will solve itself and well by having fun together, we’ll get over some of this challenge. That’s the by-passer who can just bypass the problem and connect.
And the non-by-passer is someone who needs to really talk about it first. And I’m definitely that and I find that, you know, if I hear something like that, I use to be more mysterious and I’m trying to be more mysterious and just trying to bypass and not only does it not build the attraction and closeness, it actually backfires. I get kind of anxious or tense or somehow I’m irritable and I don’t want to be and then I’m trying to hide that too. And then if I just all of a sudden it kind of pours out of me, we have to attend that conversation like, okay here’s what happened.
I heard this conversation and I thought I need to be more mysterious and then I felt, you know, like I have to do this and then I was irritable about it and the next thing I know we’re like, you know, lying next to each other in bed, really close and just feeling loving and talking and just everything has shifted by being really open.
Dr. Dan Wile: Yeah, that’s the way I work too. I sometimes wonder because there are people who like the certain kind of non-by-passers as, I know I’m not a by-passer, a by-passer who is kind of put off by that kind of talk.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dr. Dan Wile: And sort of, well like in love making and this is where the bypassing, non-bypassing expressions came from and then like, this way you think about it from my mentor Donnie Applebaum which is, that there’s a person who when touched by their partner forgets all their resentment to the partner and really gets into it. That’s the by-passer. Then there’s a person who when touched, literally think of all the resentments and grudges. And so, if there’s two by passers together, well fine but if there’s a by-passer and non-by-passer, if there’s somebody there who is thinking of all grudges and the other one who is forgetting them all that’s going to work very well.
So maybe there are people who work better and feel more sexual if they don’t talk. I mean, not being that type of person that’s hard to imagine but there maybe such people.
Dr. Aziz: Well that brings us to the end of our show but there’s one last thing that we have to do which we always have to do because, you know, real change doesn’t occur just from inside, just from new ideas, new information, it comes from applying that knowledge and taking action. And so that’s what going to bring us to our action step.
Dr. Aziz: Your action step for today is to apply what you learned in this conversation that I had with Dan, in your own relationship, if you have a relationship, if you’re dating someone, if you’re in a relationship, if you’re married, take one thing and try it out, test it out. Don’t just say oh that sounds neat in theory, really take the actions. There’s one guy I’ve been working with for a little while and he’s got some conflict in his relationship because he is terrified to talk about money with his wife.
Every time they do, it ended to a fight. And so what I encouraged them to do, I’m teaching some of these things that I’ve learned from Dan and I encouraged him, it’s like, your homework in between this session and the next one is to have a conversation with your wife. And he keeps postponing, he’s like, I didn’t find the right time and I’m kind of like, I let him go with it once and the next week, I was like, okay, something is going on here, let’s take a look at this, why isn’t it quote the right time?
So you have to make the time, find the time and just take the action. Now you don’t get out of this action step if you’re not in a relationship because what you got to do if you’re not in a relationship is to find someone to practice being real with. It could be a friend, it could be a brother, it could be a colleague, it could be your parents, it doesn’t matter, someone you have good relationship with that you trust and just share based upon this interview that I did with Dan, one thing that you learn from him about how to be a little more real, a little more honest, a little more authentic in your life and practice that with a friend.
That brings us to the end of our action step and the end of our show. Again, thank you so much for joining me. Pleas go to SrinkForTheShyGuy.com and check out the webpage for the show, you can call the hotline there, you can send me a message there, you can also go to Facebook.com/ShrinkForTheShyGuy and like that Facebook page and share this with anyone you know that could benefit from it because we want to reach out and help more people to become more socially free. So thanks for joining me this time, I really appreciate you, whoever you are who is listening and connecting with this I relate to you and I honor you for taking the time and investing yourself and really growing.
And I say this a lot but when someone is really doing that and they’re putting their heart into it and they want to grow and they want to shift and they’re willing to do what it takes then success is inevitable. So I commend you for being with me in this way and I’m excited to share them more with you and hopefully to meet you one day. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and know that you’re awesome.
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