overcome anxiety and date

Learn How To Comfortably Date Multiple Women At The Same Time And Enjoy The Process

Have you ever had the opportunity to be dating multiple women simultaneously? If you’re new to that situation, can actually produce a lot of anxiety, fear, guilt, and discomfort.

Join Dr. Aziz as he teaches you how to navigate this “high quality problem” with integrity and honesty, so you can feel good about yourself, confident, and completey in charge of your dating life.

Click below to hear this episode!

How To Date Several Women At The Same Time

Hey, welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today you’re going to learn something that is incredibly essential if you want to have confidence in one of the most challenging areas. One of the areas that most people never get fully confident in, even someone who doesn’t consider themselves shy or having difficulties with confidence, they can consider themselves, you know, comfortable in that area, they still often are challenged in this one area. And that is the area of dating.

I mean, many, many people, not even just shy people but many, many people don’t like dating, aren’t comfortable in dating, avoid it, aren’t very good at it, don’t really like the process and it’s a shame because really when you develop yourself and your social confidence enough, dating can be an incredibly enjoyable fun experience. It also has challenges too. I don’t want to gloss over those but there is something really, the missing when we don’t feel like we can thrive in our dating lives because if you can’t date and I mean find women to start conversations with, connect with, ask out, go have fun experiences with, if you can’t date, then it’s really hard to create an outstanding relationship.

And here is why, because if you can’t date then you can’t find that person that you really click with. You can’t be the selector. And it’s like here are my options, I am going to select, I am going to choose which woman I want to be with. And so you end up kind of just taking whatever comes your way. That’s what I did for many years. I was like well, she is interested in me, she likes me well enough and I guess I should just be grateful for that because no woman that I’m interested in would want to date me.

Any of that story sound familiar? I mean, that’s the way I lived for years and the reality is the truth is that no matter what situation you’re in there are an abundance of women who would happily date you if you’ve worked on your own confidence enough, if you really see and own your own value, if you’re growing in your life, if you’re pursuing things that you’re passionate about, if you are taking new things on and expanding, then you are going to become more and more attractive to women.

And you can really draw those women into your life. And there’s one particular situation that I think is incredibly challenging if you have any sort of shyness or social anxiety or even just challenges with confidence. And that is this experience of dating multiple women at the same time. I mean, across the board I see people have a really hard time with this. And we can talk about exactly what that is, you know, it can look like a number of different things and we’re going to jump in to how to do that in a way that feels really good for you.

And is honest and authentic, is not kind of the weird pick up stuff where you never tell them what’s going and you’re, there’s a lot of deception and in my experience that doesn’t work and we’re going to get into that in a minute but I want to say this first. If you’re hearing me talking about dating multiple women and your thought is, no, Jesus, he is dating multiple women, I mean, come on man, give me a break. I just want to get a date with a woman. I’m not even at that level of having opportunities to date multiple women.

And that’s good. That’s good that you’re seeing this. It’s good that you’re listening to me right now because this is the next level and if you can, you know, all of a sudden if here I’m talking about myself, I was a shy guy, I’m talking to shy guys, I’m talking to people who were working on their confidence and look, this becomes a new possibility, this is the next level that you can get to, something like, you know, showing you what’s possible for you. And if you want to get up to speed, you know, keep listening. I’m sure I have future episodes that are about how to even initiate the process, also check out my program 30 Days to Dating Mastery, that will get you up to speed in terms of being able to just get out there and meet women and create outstanding connections which is an essential step if you want to get to being able to date multiple women effectively.

And for those of you who are listening, who ever been in that situation where you’re starting to see one woman and there’s another opportunity and then maybe you’re kind of seeing them both and but you, you just don’t know how to handle it and it’s very uncomfortable and that’s where I was. You know, I was in the space of not having any opportunities, not having any chances to connect with women, to working on my confidence just like you’re doing now if you’re listening to the show and applying the action steps and then starting to go to ask women out, have them say yes which was shocking to me at first.

I was like, wait, are you sure? Me? All right, yeah. And then as Bart Simpson would say, there’s only one thing to do in a moment like this after she says yes, is thread, I was threaded away from those interactions where she said yes. And then though I realize that asking women out and going on a date does not mean that you’re in a relationship with her. That’s what I used to think. I mean I didn’t consciously think that if you ask me, I want to set, going on a date equals you’re in a relationship but that’s how I felt, that’s how I behave, that’s how I operated, and with that comes a lot of heaviness, a lot of fear, a lot of tension, a lot of anxiety about the whole experience.

And so what I’d like to do with you is I’d like to help you navigate this. I like to help you break free of some of the old stories that you have that is what kept me trapped for years and I want to share those with you in just a minute. And you’re going to learn how to break free of those stories so you can be more comfortable with the idea of dating multiple women. Then we’re going to talk about how do you communicate that because, you know, if you know anything about me and if you’re listening to the show, I think you’re similar, you’re not interested in the how do I get laid as quickly as possible, who cares about what she feels or thinks and I’m moving on the next one, pick up artist style of relating with women.

Do you want to be able to make awesome connections with women, sure, date multiple women, you don’t want to marry every single woman you date or sleep with but at the same time you want to do it in a way that feels honest and authentic so you don’t have that fear or guilt or anxiety. And so I’m going to share that with you in this episode too, how to talk to her, how to share where you’re at in a way that’s going to be most effective. I’ll share some of the pitfalls of what makes it not effective and believe me I’ve seen those in my own life and the guys that I work with and then we’re going to end with some great ideas for the future and action step.

So, let’s take a quick break now and then we’re going to get in to the story that I have for you of dating multiple women. This is the first time I had the opportunity to date multiple women and how I handled it poorly, how I tailspinned and crashed all the airplanes at once and learned a lot in the process. And then I’m going to share what I learned, how you can apply it in your life. And then again how to have those conversations, so stay tuned right after this break, we’ll jump in to that story.

Dating Women – What NOT To Do…

Hey, welcome back. So, many years ago, I was sitting in the library of Stanford University, that’s right, prestigious library and there’s a row of computers and I saw a woman sitting on a computer typing some stuff. And she was very beautiful, very attractive, sandy blond hair and freckles and just really, look like she really took care of her health and her body which what I’m into and, you know, and she actually is was in a similar program that I was involved in psychology so I knew we had similar interest and I was like, I’d seen her kind of somewhere before but never had a conversation with her.

And so I left my laptop there on the table that I was at and I walked over and I sat down in the chair next to her at a blank computer terminal. I just rolled and I swiveled my chair towards her and I said, what are you working on? And that was it. And so I started the conversation with her and said I’m working on this and then we chatted for a while and I did a lot of stuff that I teach in my programs that you have learned in this podcast how to flirt and tease and make the conversation fun and engaging and as well as authentic.

And I ask her out. I said hey let’s hang out. And so she gave me her number. Yeah, success, right? Actually as I walk back to my computer, there is a momentary high of like, yeah, I’m the man, strut. And then I thought oh my God but I actually just started dating another woman that I’ve met at some, I’m into bass shows, I was at drum and bass show at that time and I met a woman there who is actually a DJ, a drum and bass DJ which I thought, oh, she’s so cool. And I was like wait a minute, what am I going to do?

Oh my God, and I was just flooded with anxiety. I was like ah, I don’t know any of those, I don’t know how, right, but I was like, okay, just stay cool man, you know, you can date multiple women. This is where you’re at now, you’re the man, you can handle this. I learned a little bit about positive self coaching at that time but not much. So anyway, I go on a date with this other woman and it was really fun. She had a great group of friends and they were like said, go, they did something like karaoke and they just did fun stuff.

And it was fun because when I hang out with her, I also get to hang out with four or five of her friends and they were all, you know, beautiful, fun, interesting women, so I was like, this is awesome. And then, then the icing on the cake is I was at some friends whatever, gathering, party, house something or another and there was another woman that I’d known for a little while but we never really talked and I had a great time with her at this party. We just ended up like sitting on this patio overlooking, I was in San Francisco and hills near there.

And I was just like, I didn’t even want to ask her for her number. I, honestly, I mean I was like the most attracted to her and most intrigued by her but I didn’t want to ask her for her number because I was like, what am I doing? I don’t even know how to handle this and I was like so overwhelmed and so anxious and you would have thought oh what an awesome experience to connect with this woman but I was just like I don’t know what I’m doing. And so I this woman that I could ask out, there’s other woman I spent time with and there’s third one and I just got so overwhelmed, so anxious, so uncomfortable, that I just picked one and then cut off, and so I, like poorly cut off contact with the rest.

And I didn’t have the skills to do that skillfully at that time. So, just poorly cut off contact and then I started dating this one woman exclusively who was very sweet and I liked her and she was into the same music that I was but to be honest, it was pretty boring like we didn’t have much to talk about. I like to share a lot of ideas and talk quickly and she kind of just like to sit there and be saying like that’s cool. And so it wasn’t the most stimulating conversation and then, you know, two weeks in, I am like Joe from the rest of development if you are seeing that show where he does something and then right after he does it, he says, I’ve made a huge mistake.

And so that’s the feeling I had. It’s like, I was like I have made a huge mistake and then I ended up, ending my relationship with her because I wasn’t that, good for me, I didn’t really enjoyed that much. And then I was single again with no potential connections and I was like damn it, like what am I doing? I have to figure this out. I have to figure this out. So, as I’m sharing this story, I like you to think about in your own life, have you ever had the situation where there’s multiple opportunities but you don’t know how to handle it, you don’t know how to be open about it, you don’t know how to it in a way that feels good to you.

And there’s a reason for that if you’ve experienced that or if you’re hoping to one day. And in that case this will help you get there faster. And guess what that reason is. If you listen to any of my other shows, you kind of know what’s always underneath the thing like, what’s underneath that belief? What’s underneath that action? What’s underneath this? It’s fear, fear, that’s all it is. Fear and what’s the fear? Well it’s different for each person but the pretty common themes, one fear is if she knew that I was wanting to date multiple people then she wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me, she would reject me.

That was my biggest fear and not only would she not want anything to do with me like oh I’m not interested in that, she’d say, oh you’re a player, you’re a jerk. I don’t like you, what’s wrong with you, you suck. You’re a liar. You know, you should have told me that from the first conversation we had. I hate you, right? There’s this perception of harsh rejection, was my fear. Another fear is that somehow I’m a bad guy. I am bad for wanting to date multiple women. If I’m not making her feel like she is the love of my life from the moment I meet her to from onwards, from every interaction.

Then I’m hurting her and I’m a bad guy. Does that sound pretty ridiculous to you, pretty extreme or do you relate to it in some way? Well that’s where I was for many years. If I’m not making her feel like she is the bell of the ball, the most amazing woman, if I don’t make her feel like I am just struck by her and only want to spend all of my time with her then I’m hurting her and I’m a bad guy. And that’s why I have a lot of fear around that. So you can see how some of these ideas and beliefs are just going to really set you up to be trapped and to be stuck.

So, what, how do you shift this? How do you approach this in a way that actually starts to feel good to you where you feel free to share who you are and connect with women and find the one or the ones that are really what you want in life. Well, the first thing is you have to overcome this fear that it’s bad to date multiple women and especially if you can realize that you can be upfront with women. You can tell them exactly what you want and what you don’t want and what kind of relationship you want and what kind of relationship you want.

And they can listen to you. They can hear you and they can still want to date you and that was a mind blower for me because I thought that was a game changer, I mean, that was a game ender, I should say. Why on earth would you want to spend time with me if I’m saying I just want to spend time with a woman. So, I want to expand your perception of what’s possible and what’s real in the sense that you can be upfront about this stuff. You can use some of the way that feels honest and authentic to you that really builds a deeper relationship even if you’re dating multiple women at the same time or even if it’s just a short, you know, several week or several month experience.

So how do you do that? How do you share where you’re at? Well first let’s start with how you don’t do it and how you don’t do it was what I learned when I doing pick up artist stuff which was to say, don’t answer the question. So she says, if she brings, well first of all they say don’t bring it up, don’t talk about it with her and if she brings it up, deflect. So, if she says, I’m sorry you seeing other people? You say something like yes, I see two women each day. I see a total of 15 women per week, right.

So you make some weird absurd joke about it or she said, are you seeing other people, you say I do man count, right and then you deflect and you go on from there. Now, that might work in a moment to like throw her off the center of the trail but how does that work in the long run? I mean, again, you got to think about a lot of the pick up artist stuff was invented to help men sleep with women in one night stand situations at bars. That’s where the sort of the whole field emerged and that’s where it still goes stronger and that’s honestly there what’s where it’s most effective.

If that’s your outcome, I want to meet a woman, sleep with her and then, you know, see her again or probably not, whatever, then that stuff might work. But if you’re a guy who actually wants to create good connections with a woman even if you don’t want to sleep with her once and just have a short experience with her, you can do that in a way that’s more honest and more authentic. You can actually respond and you know what’s behind that pick up artist deflection stuff, it’s the same answer always, right.

You can just pretty much know when I say what’s behind something, it’s fear. They’re afraid to be honest and authentic and share where they’re at and really connect with someone. So how do you do that? Let me take a quick break and when we get back, I’m going to share with you exactly how to talk with a woman that you’re just meeting about this, about what you want and you desires and that you want to date multiple women if that’s where you’re at and how not to do it, there is ways to do that are really effective and ways to do it that really backfire and don’t get the results that you want. So stay tuned, we’re going to jump right back into that with all the specific details right after this.

How To Be Assertive And Direct

So how do you tell a woman what you want in a relationship? Now that I say relationship, that doesn’t mean an exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend but if you’ve gone on several dates, that’s a kind of relationship. That’s not the same connotations that we have in states. Here when you say are you in a relationship but, you know, it’s a dating relationship, it’s an ongoing connection with someone. So, how do you be upfront? How do you be honest? Well guess what, it’s simpler than you think.

When I do this, in fact I was just doing this with a client of mine and he has been wanting to connect with women and he’s had several opportunities and now he’s feeling guilty, right, because he’s been hiding it from them and he’s like I feel bad. I don’t want to share this and I always start with the same thing which is, and put yourself in this situation, if you’re thinking about how to be honest with a woman about dating multiple women or just about anything. Think about this, imagine that you could say exactly what you wanted share exactly what’s going on for you and be totally honest about where you’re at and her response was going to be, oh cool. Right on, total approval.

What would you say? What would you want to share? Think about that for a minute. So I ask my client this and he said, well I’d tell her, you know, I really enjoy spending time with you and I really like hanging out with you and, you know, but I am, I get the sense that you want more and maybe you’re expecting something and I just, you know, I want to tell you that I’m not interested in a relationship right now. I just want to, you know, have fun and connect and but you know, I get the sense that you maybe want more than that and so I want to let you know that that’s not what I want.

Great, right, and I told him that’s awesome. That is leaps and balance better than hiding something and not being honest and not being direct. But that’s a first step. Also, notice what he was sharing. He was saying a lot of what he does not want, right? And it’s more important to share what you do want. We often say this, right, like I’m sick and tired of being poor. I don’t want to be poor. Oh, what do you want? Well, I want more money. Well, get more specific, what do you really want?

Well, I wanted an X amount, I want to have my own business, whatever it is. Well, like I’m sick and tired of being overweight, right, what do you want, you know, because we focus so much on what we don’t want and we communicate that but that doesn’t give us a whole lot of clarity of what we actually do want. So you got to sit back and even before you have the conversation with her, you got to think about what do I actually want? You know, I was at a time of my life where I was like, I want to be able to date several women at a time, enjoy the experience, have if be fun and casual, we might be sleeping together, we might not be sleeping together but just really good about the whole thing, feel relaxed.

And if I wanted to go deeper and, you know, be exclusive in a relationship with just one woman, then I could do that, I could choose that but for now I want to have a phase where I feel very comfortable and that was my outcome. And so when you want to do that, it’s important to I think always just start with what you like about her and say, you know, listen, Tiffany which is the woman that I dated, Tiffany I really like connected and you’re beautiful, you’re so smart, you have all these great qualities to you and I am not in a place of wanting to settle down or be in a relationship.

And you know, I’m wondering where you’re at with that. You know, I’m really wanting to just connect and have fun and be able to see other people and at the same time I love spending time with you and like to keep doing that but I want to be upfront and see where you’re at and what you want in a connection. So notice what I did there. I focused a lot on what I wanted and I did not skirt around the issue. This is a real common problem. When I’m working with people, they don’t want to say this phrase, I want to be able to see other people, right, because it’s like, oh my God, if I say that then she’s going to say well screw you, it’s me or, you know, either want me and only me or no one else.

And the reality is, not all women are wanting to immediately settle down. A lot of women are also wanting to connect and have fun and just where it goes and it’s often a lot of women, it’s understand that until you’re “exclusive” that you can do that. And but so you don’t want to leave that part out. It’s very important. Also notice what I did. This is a really, just interesting side tip that goes way beyond dating but I said I like this positive qualities about you and I describe some of them and then I said, and, blah, blah, blah, instead of but, just, you know, listen to this, just pretend you’re on the receiving end of this.

I really like you, you have all these great qualities, you’re very smart, you’re very intelligent but I’m not really interested in a relationship right now. What is that feel like to be on the receiving end? What does that translate into? Well, there’s something about our language, in the English language where when we hear but, it tends to negate everything that came before it. So we hear that, you know, you’re really a great person, blah, blah, blah but I don’t want to date you and I don’t want to be, you know, in an exclusive relationship with you and we hear, oh he was just saying some nice stuff, he is giving me the Oreo method where he tells me something nice and then he, then the real thing, the honest thing comes after the but which I don’t want to be exclusively in a relationship with you.

And it just, they tend to ignore whatever comes before the but, but if you say and, has a very different quality to it. So listen to this. And Tiffany, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are just an amazing person. You’re so beautiful and intelligent. I really like this. And, I personally I’m not ready to be in an exclusive relationship right now. Do you notice the difference there? Did you, on the receiving end of that, do you feel how that’s differ? Great, so that is the key in sharing.

You want to, if you’re showing positive qualities and then you got to share something else, you want to say and instead of but. You want to focus on more of what it is that you want rather than what you don’t want. I don’t want a relationship with you. I don’t want to be being a bug down, I don’t want to settle down. I don’t want this, I don’t want that, that’s great. You can say one or two sentences about that but focus a lot more on specifically what you want. And you can get even more specific than you think.

You could say, I’m looking for, you know, someone to spend time with and maybe we see each other once a week. It’s kind of over the limit of what I have in my life. My life is very full or twice a week or once every two weeks or once a month like you can determine, you have choice here, you don’t have to, that’s how I entered in relationships and that’s why I’m so passionate about this because it was such a crippling, oppressive thing to go into a relationship or go into a dating connection and just think all I going to do whatever she wants because otherwise I’m a bad guy and I’m hurting her and she’ll reject me and leave me.

And so, how often we hang out, you know, whether we can hang out with other people, all that stuff was determined what I guess that she wanted. And the craziest thing is I never even checked to find out what she actually did want. And so that’s why I encourage you to do it and that’s what I am going to suggest that you do, in fact that leads us into our action step. Your action step for today is to find the area in your life where you have not been fully honest with a woman about what it is that you want and to be honest with her.

I mean, I know some people listening right now or in that exact situation I’m describing and if you’re in that situation, go have that conversation with her because that’s going to build your muscle of courage and strength and that’s going to improve your confidence in every area of your life even with other woman but also just in your self, just, when you can be honest and direct and tell people where you’re at, even if they get a little upset, man, you have a high degree of confidence and you’re just building that higher and higher which is going to serve you in every area of your life.

Now, if you’re not in that situation, maybe you’re not even dating anyone right now, find another opportunity to be honest about what you want with anyone, with a friend, with someone at work, say I don’t really want to do this. I would prefer if you did this, this and this on this project where I would like to have, you know, Monday afternoon’s blocked out for XYZ. Say what you want to someone. Start with an opportunity with a woman if you have that chance and if not, then find some other opportunity and speak what you want clearly and directly.

And if possible, you don’t have to over explain and use a thousand words. Just be clear and direct. So that’s your action step for today. As always, let me know how it goes. Send me an email, go to the site ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com, you can also leave a message on the hotline 206-338-3176, share your questions there, share about your multiple dating experiences there. I love that stuff. I love to bring in to the show so it’s more of a conversation and the less of media is talking out at you.

And I want to really hear from you. So please, by all means, you can also check out the show on Facebook.com/ShrinkForTheShyGuy and the Twitter links are also on the ShinkForTheShyGuy.com website. So thanks so much for listening. I look forward to hearing from you about your experiences and until we speak again next week, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome.

Music Credit

Intro:
DeepSound – Lost Ground
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

First Ad:
The Passion Hi-Fi – Cold Heat
soundcloud.com/freehiphopbeatsforyou/cold-heat-hip-hop-beat
(Creative Commons License)

Second Ad:
Music By Steven O’Brien – Short Upbeat Piece For Guitar In D Major
soundcloud.com/stevenobrien/short-upbeat-piece-for-guitar
(Creative Commons License)

Action Step:
DeepSound – Yellow Dog
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Outro:
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
soundcloud.com/lokfield
(Creative Commons License)

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