How To Avoid Being Desperate So You Can Attract Women, Customers, And Success
Do you feel nervous or desperate when you want to go speak with a woman? How about in sales or dealing with clients and customers?
No matter what area of life, let’s face it. Desperation is not sexy. It doesn’t work.
Join Dr. Aziz in today’s powerful episode, where he will guide you through letting go of desperation so you can approach anyone from a place of relaxed confidence.
Click below to hear this episode!
Learn to Let Go of Desperation
Hey, welcome to today’s episode of the show. My name is Dr. Aziz and today we’re going to dive into something that will really help you in all areas of life, especially in your dating life, in your relationship (if you are already in a relationship), also in business, sales and friendship and this applies in all areas of life.
Today is about desperation. The name of the show today is: Desperation is not Sexy. We are going to explore what desperation is, where it comes from, how it shows up for you and how to break free from it, how to let it go – all with a spirit and a sense of curiosity and compassion. Hands down I find that the word has got such a negative connotation, such a negative association, no one wants to be seen as that, we all have shame if we feel it or show it. We want to explore it though because it could be influencing you right now in your in your life but we want to do so in a way of not judging ourselves and just being really curious…really open to what we might see and how we might heal it. Desperation is something to be let go of…something that needs to be healed like all other stuff and it doesn’t need to be judged or we don’t need to beat the crap out of ourselves in order to learn something. So, let’s dive into it today.
I am really excited to be with you. If you are enjoying the show and getting a lot out of it I would really appreciate it if you would go iTunes and give it an awesome rating and review. That just helps me reach more people. Share this with anyone that you know who could benefit from it because that’s my purpose and mission with all the stuff that I do but especially this show is to just reach people and help them realize that they are not stuck, they can break free and they can have a life of more confidence. They can also give and receive more joy and love in their life. That’s my purpose here, so please help me in spreading that message. Today we are going to dive into desperation.
Desperation doesn’t work in dating and relationships or in sales and business and in a ton of other areas such as friendships. Desperation is when we feel like we need this person to do something – `I need you to do something right now.’ Like you are talking to a woman and it’s like `I need you to laugh at what I’m saying,’ or `approve of me,’ or `be engaged in my story,’ or `I need you to say yes to going out with me,’ or `I need you to sleep with me right now.’ In sales it would be `I need you to say yes,’ `I need you to buy this product or service from me right now’ – that really strong sense of `I need this.’ It’s not just like `I want this’ desperation is like `I NEED THIS OR ELSE…’ It is like you are knocking on someone’s door and there’s a fire (there have been a lot of forest fires this summer in the north forest here where I live)…Imagine there is a huge fire and all the trees are ablaze, it is right outside, behind you, you can feel the massive heat…it is approaching fast and someone’s got a car that they are about to drive away in. You need to get away or else you are going to burn up and you are knocking on the car window, they roll down the window and you are like `I need to get in the car…I’ve got to get in the car!’ That’s desperation. I need this or I’m going to die. When we are feeling that way we may not necessarily feel like we are going to die if this person does not say yes to us but the energy of it, even if we don’t consciously think we are going to die, there is some part of us which says `I just can’t handle it if they say no. It’s going to be too terrible, I don’t want to experience that, it’s overwhelming, it’s too painful, I NEED THEM TO SAY YES OR ELSE…’ That’s desperation.
It’s something that I have experienced many times in my life, first and foremost, a lot in dating and relationships. It’s just that horrible feeling of desperation and because I had so many years of no real successful contact with women, it just grows – doesn’t it? Maybe you are in that place right now and if so, my heart goes out to you and don’t worry, you can heal all that stuff. This show is going to help you and if you are really serious about it I recommend your checking out my program Thirty Days to Dating Mastery. You can go to www.30daystodatingmastery.com and get a free eBook there and get started with that program because “men, life is tough in this area and I have lived many years with that area being just dismal,” and I was so desperate. I won’t get into that thing about how I tried to deal with that desperation, but I was just so desperate. I really wanted her to like me and say yes to going out with me but I just didn’t know what I was doing, I was really shy and it was painful. Then later on when I was growing this business for a number of years, I noticed that at times I could feel desperate. For example, I remember when I was doing my first groups…my first mastermind groups, my sense of pride or self was on the line and if this fills, I’m a success and if it doesn’t fill, I’m an utter failure. How is that for a desperate setup? I called some people because I needed them to come into the group; and then who was it about them or me? It was about me, and guess what? When we were coming from that place, whether I need this for me and it doesn’t really matter about you, that’s off-putting to others. That is not what they want. She doesn’t want to say yes to you when you are coming from that place – they don’t want to say yes to your sales when you are coming from that place. And again, we don’t want to judge ourselves here. It’s okay, it’s fine, it’s human, we’re just playing a trick on ourselves that makes us think that we are needed, or else…
So, let’s look at this in your life. Do you feel desperate? Specifically, what do you tell yourself that makes you feel this way? This is a big one – what is it that you tell yourself that makes you feel this way? There is something specific. Remember what I was saying about the groups when I first started to fill those? It was as if `I need this, or else I’m a failure and I’m a bad human.’ When I think about it now it makes me laugh but I really felt that at the time. You might be thinking `I need this woman to say yes.’ Usually, it’s going to come back to some version of that… `or else I’m a terrible person.’ There may be some sense of `oh, I feel lonely’ and maybe you hate feeling lonely. That might be a part of it for you, but what is it that you tell yourself that makes you feel desperate? Is it `I need this?’ Another one that I see in guys that I’m working with especially on dating is `I’m way behind where I should be…I’m X years old’…I’m 22, I’m 29, I’m 35, I’m 32, I’m 40…whatever it is, I’m too far behind other people and what I should be so I need this now…I need this yesterday.’ Whenever I hear that I’m like “oh boy, let’s work on that because that’s going to be a hard place to attract a woman from.” In the case of business and sales it’s `if I don’t get this sale I’m going to starve or I’m going to get fired…I need this.’ So, in a moment we are going to look at the two insights that are going to help you let go of desperation. We are going to take a quick break. Keep thinking on what is it that you tell yourself that creates this desperation and then I’m going to give you some powerful insights to help you to let go of desperation and we are going to help you really break free of this because then you are going to be coming from a place of tremendous power which feels a thousand times better and gets way better results. Stay tuned, we’ll be right back right after this.
So, what do you say to yourself that makes you desperate in a certain area of your life? Great thing to see…great thing to look at. Maybe you want to challenge that story…maybe you really want to look at it and see if it’s actually true. `If I don’t make this sale maybe I’m not going to make enough, I’m going to starve.’ Maybe you really want to look at that. Is that really true? What would happen if I didn’t sell this? Examine it, as that could be really helpful. Also, here are two power beliefs that really serve me, the clients and other people in letting go of feeling desperate. Are you ready for these? They might be worth taking notes on. By the way, if you listen to this show and you don’t take notes, I would encourage that you do because my training programs, like Confidence Unleashed, The Confidence Code or Thirty Days to Dating Mastery I always encourage people to take a lot of notes. In fact, some of those programs have workbooks because that engages you in a whole different way and this stuff is really powerful material, this is like real stuff that will change your life and so I want to engage you to take notes.
Here are the two power beliefs: I can handle anything that happens. That is a super-important belief to install into yourself, to reinforce, to repeat, to believe, to take in, to look for the evidence, to find the truth of it, to build it up in yourself. I can handle anything that happens.
I’ll start with seeing the truth of that. Right now, in your life, have you been able to handle everything that’s happened up until now? Well, the answer is yes, unless you are dead. I don’t know how that’s working…maybe there is a transmission frequency throughout the land beyond, I’m not sure but yes, you’ve been able to handle it! You might say `well, it really hurt, it was really painful’ but yes, you handled it. You are still going, you are still alive, and you are still trucking. Maybe there is still some healing to do but you’re going man. So, I can handle anything that happens. If she says no to me it might suck, it might be painful, I may feel down – I can handle it. If I don’t get the sale, I can handle it. If they don’t want to hang out with me anymore…they don’t want to be my friend I can handle it. It might hurt, I’m not saying I’m not going to have some pain or grieving or something to heal but knowing at the end of the day I can handle that, really gives us a sense of power, of trust in ourselves, of letting go of desperation.
The second power belief is not necessarily about you, it is about the bigger picture. That is that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. This is like a Dowist perspective about the universe, about the flow. Dow is about getting into the current or the flow of life as it unfolds. So, it’s trusting the unfolding of events, the timing of events in my life; so everything is unfolding exactly as it should. So she says no to you and some part of your mind…your ego is like `noooo, that’s wrong, it’s a mistake, she should have said yes.’ What if everything is unfolding exactly as it should? Oh, of course she said no, she was supposed to say no. Ah, okay, what next? Where else do I go? Oh, I feel sad. Okay, I really feel sad. But do you see how that’s different from fighting the event and claiming it should not be so and just going through so much pain, fear and suffering? This kind of gets into the more spiritual realm like how we operate through the world, how we trust in life and do we trust in something, whether it’s the universe, in life, in a higher power, in a spiritual thing, in a religious thing, in God…whatever your realm is and if this area of your life is completely cut off, completely at your feet and you are like staunched, `I’m pissed off at you atheists for talking about spirituality.’ I want to encourage you to at least open up. I’m not saying that you have to go believe in some organized religion but at least open up to the possibility that there is more to this expansive universe than we can see. More than we can control with our little conscious minds and our egos. The more we can tap into that flow, the more power we can have. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
A great way to introduce this one into your life if it’s new to you is: what if this is unfolding exactly as it should? What if? So, these are really powerful ways to start letting go of what creates desperation because pressure on ourselves… `I need this because I can’t handle it if it doesn’t go my way’ or `this shouldn’t be so, it has to go that way’… that kind of pressure leads to desperation and desperation pushes away the very thing that you want. So, forget about whether you agree with those statements or not, or you think they are true or not, just from a functional perspective you might want to consider adopting them and thinking that way because it will functionally get you what you want more – it will work better.
How do you act when you are desperate? That is worth looking at. Think about the situations in sales and social (dating) and work relationships. When you are desperate how do you act? How do you show up? For me, an area I was really desperate in for a long time is with women and here are some of the things that I would do. One is that I wouldn’t go to talk to her, I would just look at her a lot…like take long glances and then she would look and I would look away. I would just (kind of) eagerly, longingly look at her but didn’t have the courage to go talk to her. Another thing I would do is that I would hang on too long and get clingy. If I had the courage to get into a conversation with a woman and I saw that it was going somewhat well I would be like I want to hang out with her for the rest of the night and day and my life (like `don’t…where are you going?…don’t go…’). Another thing I would do is be extra polite, reserved, a little too formal and not really crack jokes or be myself I would just be this very straight and narrow (kind of) church boy version of myself thinking that that’s what would work. I don’t know if I was really thinking clearly about it but that’s what I did because I was desperate. For example, `I don’t want to mess this up because if I mess this up I’m going to die. So, I was all those things. Sure enough it didn’t work too well.
So, how do you act when you are desperate? Think on that for a moment. We are going to take a quick break and when we get back we are going to talk about some powerful strategies, the actual action strategies, the things you can do right now, today, to break through that desperation, to handle that desperate and to really overcome that. Just stay tuned we will be right back.
Here is how we can break the patterns of desperation. One is you’ve got to work on that inner game thing we talked about. You’ve got to find these power beliefs and find whatever you can do to help you let go, reminding yourself “I don’t need this…I’ll be okay without this…all that I need is already inside of me…I have everything I need already.” These kinds of things, taking breaths and really relaxing yourself and those power beliefs that I mentioned – that is where the true freedom is going to lie. In the meantime, we want to change the way we act because there are stages right there: it’s feeling desperate, then oozing our desperation (that’s the worst case scenario in terms of getting our results), then there is doing the inner work – but sometimes that takes a while, it is like a spiritual practise and depending upon the thing it might take a while to really retrain yourself to feel less desperate. In the meantime we have to change the way we act. We want to start acting less desperate at the very least, we want to start behaving less desperately and then keep working on the inner game because they all work together.
Here are some things to do: Act the opposite. That’s why I asked how do you act when you are desperate…how do you behave. You are going to do basically the opposite. You are going to go opposite (if you’ve seen the old Seinfeld episodes of Opposite George)… you are going to want to go opposite as he is on this stuff, you are going to want to go opposite [your name – Opposite George]. So, one of the things I did with women if I didn’t go talk to her and I just stared at her a lot, the opposite of that would be to go talk to her and if I hung on too long when I was talking to her (this energy of `please don’t leave me), do the opposite, leave early…be the one to end the interaction early. Be willing to say `it was great talking to you, I am going to go do something else’. The desperate part of me hated that. I was terrified to do that but that is how we want to train ourselves because that is how we would act if we truly were not desperate. That’s a great question as well to ask yourself for the inner game stuff: `if I knew that there were a dozen other women lined up that I could date how would I act right now?’ ‘If I knew that there were twenty other sales right around the corner this month how would I act right now?’ That is where you want to be coming from.
Another thing to do in the case of dating is, for example, if I were more reserved, polite and not cracking jokes I would be less reserved, less polite and crack more jokes. I would do the opposite of that stuff. That would be the opposite of desperate, that would be abundant, that would be `I don’t need this.’ The same thing would go for a sales conversation. How are you desperate in a sales conversation? Maybe you stay on really long, maybe you start to debate with the person or try to convince them, maybe you start talking too much, maybe your energy or your voice tone is a little too pleading…I don’t know. It can go all kinds of ways, depending on where you are at and so you want to find out those things and you do the opposite. You want to be willing to let them go, you want to be quiet more, you want to ask more questions, maybe you want to practise so your voice tone so its louder, stronger or more confident. There are all these things that we want to do the opposite of.
As you listen to this you might say `well, easy for you to say, I just can’t do the opposite.’ If the can’t word comes up again, just challenge that – you can. That is why this works in conjunction with the inner game stuff. This isn’t just about acting confident fake it till you make it. There are the outer actions but then the inner work is what is going to allow you to do that more authentically, more freely and more consistently. You just want to be doing them both at the same time, you don’t want to wait around and say that you are going to do all this inner stuff and belief stuff and then later on when I’m not desperate at all I will go interact with this person. That just stalls you out because life responds to action and nothing else.
So you want to stay in action, be more conscious of your behaviour and do the opposite while working on this inner stuff. Does that make sense? I think the more you do this the more powerful you will become at letting go of this desperation; and man, it feels good! For me, the practise is to be okay with whatever it is and that will allow me to have more. Remember when I was talking about that desperation that I had? It was about filling one of first groups that I did. I remember I had the group scheduled out for two months start date and I had two people enrolled in it (it was my first Confidence Mastermind) and I think I had set it out two months and some time had passed and there were a number of conversations where people were not quite interested or they were interested but it didn’t work for them financially…something was getting in the way. Now there were five or six weeks left before the group and no one. There was just this part of me that was desperate and I was just freaking out `oh my God this is embarrassing…what if you started your first mastermind and there were just two people? You guys in the group would think that you were such pathetic losers…oh my God how embarrassing.’ I was freaking out, and then I did this inner work `hey, hey, I don’t need this.’ First of all, those guys would be ecstatic because for the price of a mastermind they get individual coaching which is awesome. They are going to be ecstatic, they are going to love it! Secondly, it’s totally okay, it’s unfolding just the way it should and really letting go in my body, relaxing that tight squeezing spasming part, breathing, softening, focussing on that part and just saying “yes, everything is unfolding exactly as it should and I am willing to do a group of two people in it – yes.” It is just practising, relaxing, letting go any ego thing – that is what it was all about. It wasn’t about surviving or starving, it is about `how do I look and am I good enough?’ Isn’t that true at the end of the day for all of that stuff? It is really just weird illusion because we are good enough, we already are perfect as we are even if we are going to improve in some areas. I said `you know what, I am 100% willing to do a group of two people and it’s going to be awesome’ and I just really worked on that for a day or two and really felt the truth of it, and that week two new people signed up for that group. I believe that was directly related to me getting out of desperation, me letting go, being totally open and relaxed and not attached to one of those negative conversations with people. I was like…`It’s okay, either way it’s fine.’ I didn’t want to come from that place when we were selling, serving, offering, talking to women and asking them out – it’s okay, either way, yes or no – it’s really okay. Sure, if it’s a woman who is really beautiful and you have a crush on her some part of you might be disappointed or hurting afterwards – and that’s okay, you don’t have to be some kind of spiritual robot where you are like `nay I feel nothing, nay.’ It’s just like…`oh man, I would be disappointed, that would hurt, and I would sting because I really like her but I would be okay…it’s really okay, I know that.’ That’s the attitude I’m talking about. The more you can bring that out in your life with people, clients, customers, women and relationships, the more people will just flock to you…the more people will be drawn to you, will like you, will want to be with you and the more success you are going to have in all these areas.
So, speaking of that, before we end today we have one more thing to do. Today’s action step is to Determine how you act when you are desperate. Pick one area of your life where desperation might show up for you and then take a breath, take your right hand, raise it up in the air, bring it around back and give yourself a little pat on the back. Say `it’s okay buddy, I still love you even if you get desperate sometimes.’ We really want to watch out for that self-loathing that can kick in like `oh God you are pathetic, disgusting, how could you.’ What that does is really stop you from being self-aware…from seeing the truth of it. Now you do show up and so you’ve changed it. So, determine an area where you might be feeling a little more desperate than you would like and the notice `how do I act when I am desperate?’ Maybe it’s subtle… maybe it’s super-subtle…maybe it’s real, overt and then ask yourself this question: `how would I act if I were just in a complete abundance mindset?’ Words like: there are ten other women that would want to date me, there are twenty other potential customers that would love to get my product or service, there are thousands of people who would want to be my friend, there are hundreds of people who would want to network with me and work with me in my business…whatever the area is. What if that were true? How would I act? How would I be? How would I show up? How would I behave? Then go practise behaving that way, even if it’s not natural first…even if some part of you is still like `nooo, I’ve got to be desperate.’ Then do this inner game stuff, practise what you learn in this episode to heal up that desperation stuff. At the end of the day it is true, we all have what we need, and we don’t need nearly what we think we do. If you have both your legs and both your hands, your eyes, ears, nose, food in your belly, a roof over your head – man, you are rich! I am rich…I am blessed…you are blessed…we are blessed to have that. Just really breath in and feel the truth of that and then from that place we can see how we want to act. It is going to bring more into our lives and more is great but we have to remember how much we already have.
Thanks so much for being with me today and sharing this time. I would love to hear more about your experience. Go to www.shrinkfortheshyguy.com to get show notes, transcript if you want that sort of thing (I don’t know why you would want to read this – just listening to it is easier), and of course you can send me messages through that site too. I look forward to hearing from you. I hope you are doing awesome, breaking free and developing more confidence. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level, that you are awesome. Talk to you soon.
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