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Hey, welcome to another episode of the show. I’m excited to be with you here today because I’m going to share some stuff that I think you’re going to find extremely useful for all areas of your life. Wherever you’re noticing fear or doubt or self-criticism or anxiety or anything that’s getting in the way, this episode is going to help you break through that and feel better as you do so. But then also, do more of what you want in life, go after what you want in life, not get stalled out or stuck when life doesn’t go your way. That’s why this episode is all about, don’t get rejected, get determined and I’ll share exactly what I mean about that in just a moment. If you’re enjoying the show, my ask for you would be to go to iTunes or wherever you found the show and give it a five-star review or a rating or write in something. The more of those that we have, the more the show grows and the more I can reach other people.
People who need confidence and look, we all, in my opinion, we all need confidence. I know I certainly do and perhaps you do as well, that’s why you’re listening to this. I don’t think there’s any shame in that. I don’t see there’s anything wrong with that. I think it’s a human struggle to continually work with doubt, insecurity, fear and how to blast through to higher and higher levels. That’s what I want for you and for everyone else so if you would do me that favor, that would be awesome. Also if you want to look at the show notes or anything else about the show, you can ask me questions there as well, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com, shrinkfortheshyguy.com. I’ll answer your questions; we’re doing this pretty quick now with the bonus episodes of ask the shrink so it’s a great way to get my insights on your particular situation and you can also get some free stuff there, free e-book that I have as well as other things.
So check it out and let’s talk about you getting rejected. So the name of this episode is “Don’t get rejected, get determined.” Here’s what I mean by that, because you might hear that and say, “Wait a minute, I get control whether over when you get rejected or not?” No, often times we don’t, that’s true but we have control over a lot more than we think. So first things first, let’s talk about rejection. Rejection is huge. Rejection is important. It’s actually desirable, what? No, no blasphemer, right? But the part of us hates it, the part of us never wants to experience it but it is extremely valuable. It’s extremely important; in fact if you are not getting rejected, scan back over the last month of your life, do that right now. Did you get any rejections? And a rejection in this case would be a no, no, thank you, I don’t want to or maybe not verbally saying a no but I’ll think about it, maybe or just not responding to you, not emailing you back, not texting you back.
You try to start a conversation with someone and they give you every signal, every non-verbal signal possible of, “Don’t talk to me” they didn’t physically say no but they kind of turned away or gave you like a ew look, probably know what I’m talking about there. So any sort of rejection, it could be in your work life, business, sales, dating, relationships, socially, conversations, think back over the last month, how many rejections did you experience? Now I don’t know if you’re going to be able to count them all but you might get a sense, are there a lot or a few or a little or none? Noticing that; that’s important. If it’s in the “none to extremely small” amount of rejections category, that’s actually a problem and you might say, “Wait a minute, no, I’m just doing it so awesome that everything’s coming my way. And that could be true, you could be like on a hot streak but usually if there’s a … if we’re devoid of rejections, if our rejection count is very low for a period of time, that means our bold action count is also very low.
And as I said you could be on a hot streak where you’re getting yes, you’re getting all the numbers you want, you’re getting all the sales you want, you’re getting whatever, whatever your projects are at work, everything is just like, “Yes, going my way” and that’s great, that can happen too, enjoy it. And often, there is a mixture we take action and we get a yes and then we get a no and then we get a no and then we get a yes and then we get three no’s, right? Or we have four yeses in a row and we’re the king of the world and then we have four no’s in a row and everything is terrible. We’re going to die in a gutter, right? It’s this up and down experience so we want to look at the rejections that we’re getting and if you’re getting rejections, that’s good. Now I know it can stir up a lot of feelings and it might not feel good and it might create even more doubt but stick with me because we’re going to help you work through that and turn that rejection into determination. But first, we got to look at you and rejection and if you’re anything like me, I mean I avoided rejection for years.
There … if you’d asked me that question, geez, I don’t know how many years ago now … 15, 16 years ago maybe and you said, Aziz, how many rejections you get in the last month? I’d say zero, “Well, how did you get your rejections because you’re such a stud?” No, because I didn’t talk to any women. I didn’t approach anyone. I didn’t start conversations with people I didn’t know. I didn’t speak up in groups. I didn’t ask for things, I didn’t do much of anything except for play a lot of video games. Maybe I got rejected by … in a Warcraft 3 competitive play. You’re playing against some other opponent and he typed in like, “You suck, newb,” maybe that was the rejection that I was getting but nothing in my real life so that’s important. I want you to think about that and let’s talk about rejection. Let’s talk about what happens with rejection? How to face it? How to not avoid it? And how to turn … how to make to make it something useful and valuable as opposed to something that’s bad and wrong and shouldn’t be happening.
What happens when you get a rejection? Why do we not like it? Why do we dislike it? Why don’t we avoid it so much? What happens inside of your body, inside of your mind, inside of your heart, inside, inside of you in every area all the way down to your plums? What happens when you get rejected? That is a extremely obscure reference to a show called “Eastbound & Down” by the way, Will Ferrell makes a guest appearance on the first season of that show. It’s phenomenal, check it out, Eastbound & Down, I think you can watch it on Amazon Prime and HBO Go and all that stuff. Anyway, getting rejected what happens for you? The reason I wanted to record this episode was earlier this morning, I got rejected hard. And you may not realize this but I actually get rejected quite regularly. I realized many, many years ago that “yes” lives in the land of “no.” That the more I can put myself out there and face what I’m afraid of on a weekly or daily basis, the more powerful and confident I become in any area of my life. And I first saw that in my dating life where I would learn how to deal with the rejection and face my fear and approach women that I was drawn to, I was attracted to and people start conversations and ask them out.
But then I realize that I wanted to apply it in business as well and what I do now which is wanting to … my project, my mission, that I’ve called Mass Liberation, which is I want to reach as many people who are out there who are feeling stuck, discouraged, who need confidence. I want to be a resource if it’s a fit for them, I want them to find something that I’ve done. A podcast, the video, something that’s going to help them, a book and that requires a lot of rejection to be able to reach out to them because the more I do, the more I’m going to get rejected. And so I get rejected by offering people if they want to come to an event or a weekend, people will say no, of course, for that and some people say yes. People want to work with me, be in one of my groups to coaching, people say no to that, and some people say, yes. So those are rejections that are happening on a weekly basis. And just this morning, I was rejected by a mentor and a teacher that I really admire and look up to. I’ve been studying his stuff for, geez, over a decade. I don’t want to reveal who he is just for privacy sake but someone I really admire and look up to.
And I am currently putting together an amazing group of thought leaders and speakers and teachers, mentors of mine, to do an interview series around confidence. And I’m creating a summit, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence where we’re going to be covering of the major areas of life, unshakable self-confidence, inner confidence, unstoppable entrepreneurial confidence, extraordinary relationship confidence, as well as creating life on your terms. So there’s just some core areas, I’m going to be interviewing so amazing people. And I got an introduction from another friend to talk to this person and kind of worm my way into his schedule and he gave me 15 minutes. Okay, 15 minutes to talk with me and so I get on the phone with him just this morning and his tone is very like, “Okay, so, what have you got going on?” So I start to tell him and he listens for a few minutes and he’s like, okay, well, basically, sell me on this idea like why I should I do this? I get a lot of requests for a lot of things. And so I do my best pitch and he’s kind of like, “Yes, well, kind of got to go, get to something else and it’s been like eight minutes,” I’m like, dude, it hasn’t been 15 minutes.
And so I throw him one other thing that I think is going to be extremely valuable, like basically why would I want to do this interview, right and so I share a couple of things, it doesn’t feel like it’s getting much traction so I share one other thing and I’m like, well, above beyond anything else, I think it’s going to be an extremely interesting and engaging interview for you and I kind of pitch my ability to interview people really well and get to the core of things and find that his confidence edge and by sharing that, by being real, we can help even more people. That’s the best I could do and he’s kind of like, “No, no,” he didn’t say no but he’s like, well, email me later, I’m not saying no now but email me later and we’ll see where I’m at. And I’d checked in, like okay, so from 0 to 10, 10 being like really warm and hot on the idea and 0 is like it’s cold, where are you? And he’s kind of like, “Well, I’m sort of lukewarm.” Right so, not a total rejection, it wasn’t like no, I’ll never but send me email, we’ll see, it’s not a resounding yes, right?
So, got off the phone, I was like ugh and I mention this in my book, The Solution to Social Anxiety and actually perform it in the audio version but it reminds me, stuff like that … it makes me smile because I always think of my cousin, when we were kids, we’d go down to LA and then my cousins had a pool down there and we’d be playing sports in the pool like Marco Polo and volleyball. And one summer, my younger cousin, Paul got this thing where he would … something would happen like he’d score on you in volleyball or you’d try to hit it over the net and he’d just smash it back, spike it on you or something and then he would say, rejected, rejected, rejected, rejected and he’d do it like eight times kind of in your face. And that was thing for … he probably did it like five times a day for the week that we were there. At least that’s my memory of it. So that’s what I … after the call, I was just like, rejected, rejected, rejected and I say that and it makes me smile and laugh and it kind of changes my state, because what is the natural default state post rejection? Right? I mean, think about that, we know it well but think about what happens for you? And the reason I want you to explore this is because there’s the external rejection which is him saying, “No, yes, I think about it” It won’t be a yes but it will be no, I’ll think about it or in your dating life, someone’s like, no, no, no thank you.”
Or you send a text and they don’t respond or no, we’re not going to hire you for the job. No, we’re not going to give you that project or maybe not even a big thing like that. Maybe just you share an idea at work and the team leader whatever is like, “No, we’re not going to do that.” So it’s not a huge deal but your idea was rejected. So what happens when you get rejected? What happens inside of your body? What happens inside of your mind? I study this quite a bit working with clients and in myself and first things first is like a feeling like right in my chest, my solar plexus which is like the bottom of your chest, top of your stomach area, in my heart too and it’s kind of like ah, like I want to double over, like you got hit there or something, it’s the opposite of standing tall and kind of strutting and being like, “Yes, I’m the man, right? It’s the opposite; you kind of want to shrink down, that’s a feeling in my body. And then my mind starts to go to like, “I should have done it better. I should have said this or I could have said that. Why didn’t I do that? Oh you should … you could have. It’s like if you’d just known the exact right thing to say, you could have closed the deal, right? And that came up in this interview, conversations, invitation but that could be into dating, that happened to me all the time. “Oh man, if I just … why didn’t I say this to her? Say that and it’s totally made up because you have no idea if that actually would have worked but you tell yourself that that certainly would have worked and you suck for not doing it.
And then I don’t think I did it here in this instance, no, but in the past, for me especially on dating, I would compare myself to some imaginary person. Say, “Well, he could have done it, she would have wanted to go out with him because he was better than me.” So we kind of compare ourselves to someone else and then we conclude, “I suck.” And another thing which I didn’t do this time either because I’ve been doing a lot of work around rejection to myself but a really common response that I used to have and I know a lot of clients of mine have is a feeling of like this is never going to work out. I’m never going to get there. I’m a failure, right? And this is heavy, discourage, hopeless feeling. Never going to get a girlfriend; I’m never going to get dates. I’m never going to get the job that I want. I’m never going to grow my own business. I’m never going to sell enough of blank. Right, whatever your area is and it’s not true and the most powerful way to prove that is not true and to transform all of this is to turn your rejection into determination, it’s exactly what I did this morning. That’s exactly what I always do and that’s what I highly recommend you do. I shouldn’t say I always do it. When I am optimally taking care of myself and optimally taking care of my confidence, I do it. When I’m not, I don’t do it and then I feel shitty so we got to do this if we want to keep our confidence high. Have optimal confidence and I’m going to share that with you right after this break.
So how do we turn rejection into determination? Well, first things first, this is exactly what I did. So, after the phone call, I sat down on my desk and I was like, and I just noticed all the stuff. First thing I do is I don’t run away from any feelings. I breathe, I slow down and I feel them, I face them because the only thing that makes the rejection painful is my own internal rejection. There’s nothing that … I mean, he was very polite, “Hey, thank you for the invitation. I’m not sure, I’m not sure if it aligns with what I want to do right now and we circle back, email later, we’ll see. He didn’t call me a loser. He didn’t attack my character. That rarely happens with rejection, he’s very polite so all the pain is this internal stuff that I’ve been … that we’ve been talking about in this episode. So the first thing I do is I noticed that I feel, “Okay, what am I doing it? What am I feeling in my body? What am I saying in my mind? I don’t run from it. I get very present and I face it, that already starts to build your power.
Then, second thing I do is I stand up and I counteract that physiology of shrinking down, right? So I stand up and I pulled my shoulders back and I’m upright and sometimes I do this … this is the thing I’ve been doing recently which I really love is I kind of bring my palm to my chest, kind of thump my chest and I say, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and that’s kind of an energizing thing that I do. Maybe I say it 10 times, breathe deep, just kind of activating energy and power in my body which is something, we go deep in my Live Weekend Intensives but how to do that? Because I think that’s one of the biggest secrets to fast confidence is confidence in our bodies, so I start to activate that. Then I remind myself I don’t need anything from one particular person. I really don’t. I don’t need him to be part of the summit. I don’t need someone as a client. I don’t need this woman to date me. I don’t need any specific thing from any one person. I’m okay and I really find the truth in that because our mind, so much of the pain of rejection is like, “I need that person, if it’s not them that I’m screwed. If she doesn’t want me, then no woman’s going to want me. If they don’t want to hire me then no place is going to hire me. And we go to this kind of dramatic all-or-nothing thinking where that’s the end-all be-all and it’s really not.
So I remind myself, look I don’t need anything and it’s totally okay. And I want people to be able to say no to me. I want a world where people say yes and people say no and I say yes and I say no all the time. So that’s the kind of world that I want to live in. These people are creators, they’re assertive. They say what they want; they say what they don’t want. So I remind myself of that value and then here’s what I do. I get fucking determined. I say you know what? This is not going to stop me; if anything this is going to give me more fuel, more drive, bring it on, let’s go, how many more rejections can I accumulate? So as soon as that call was done, I did these things that I’m describing and I sat down and there’s two other people that I want to have or interview for this summit who … one of them, both of them I have no idea where they’re at. They could very easily reject me. They might not be interested, it might not be a good fit, they might not want to do it but they’re people that I would love to have involved. I’d love to interview them, and learn from them and share their message with more people and there’s a good chance I could get rejected.
So guess what I did? I sent both of them powerful compelling emails; not like, “Hey what’s up, I want to do this thing. It’s like, this thing … this is what I’m doing; this is what I’m up to. I would love to have you on board and here’s why. Because this because that and if you have any questions, let me know. So they were powerful invitations. They weren’t timid so the most powerful and effective way to turn rejection into determination is to take massive rapid action as soon as you can to the rejection, soon as you can. Now sometimes this can be hard because we have all these feelings like, “Oh, my God, I’m a loser. I’m a failure.” So sometimes, you might need a little bit of time to work with those feelings instead of running from them. Instead of flicking on your phone and just scanning through the Facebook feed and watching all those … now what’s big on Facebook feeds is like quiet, silent videos because most people are watching on their phone and they’re not going to turn the audio on, so they have like these videos with a bunch of text and it’s just like hyper stimulation or flicking on the TV or the show or just browsing, checking your email, something to distract yourself you want to pause that.
Take 5 minutes, takes 12 minutes, set a timer and just feel what’s going on and I guide people through this in my new book, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence which is the, in my opinion, the best thing I’ve created to date. I love it and I hope you do too, you can check it out on Amazon and Audible or iTunes, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence but we have to face this stuff. So face it, feel it, see what the specific painful stories you’re telling yourself are, work through it and then take that massive action as soon as you can. And for me, it was maybe just about three or four minutes of doing these things and then taking that action because I’ve done a lot of work with this and I keep working with it. But some days, it might hit me a lot harder and I might need to take 30 minutes to work with it but whatever it is, it’s worth it because then you take massive action and you get into it more so for the dating example, the most powerful thing you can do if you’re out and you’re trying to talk to women and you start a conversation and she doesn’t want to talk to you, the most powerful thing to do is to shake it off and go start another conversation within three minutes, two minutes, one minute if you can.
And there’s someone that you’re texting and they don’t text you back and you’re feeling rejected, reach out to other women. Same thing with job interview stuff, like you get rejected at one place, man, find many other opportunities. Or I was just speaking with a business owner yesterday in a session and he had this one deal he was lining up and he was like, “Okay, I want this hospital to sign this agreement with me and work with me in this area and they may or may not do it.” And he’s had meetings with them and meetings with the CEO and he’s like pitched them and they’re sort of like, “Well, maybe, sometime, soonish, maybe not” and it was great. What’s your plan B? What are other places, what are other ways you can get this out and sell this into the world and help people? And here we are brainstorming tons of ideas and the more massive action he could take now then it’s like, “Look I don’t need this. I can look at all these other things I can do.” And that’s what the value of the rejection, that’s the gift of the rejection brings into your life, if you turn into that instead of making it about you and you’re a failure and just add more terrible things to a negative identity, it’s not anything about that. Just they’ve said no, right now and that’s okay. Now I’m determined though because I’m doing this. I’m doing this whether they’re on board or not and then boom, move forward take that massive bold action and speaking of that, that brings us to your action step for today.
Your action step is to do exactly this. So one, maybe you’ve got to get rejected, maybe you’ve been avoiding rejected … rejection for months or years even, so in the next week, get rejected. Find a place that matters to you, whether it’s your dating life or your work life or speaking up and becoming more of a leader, your business, your sails or something. Take a risk that might get you … you might get some successes too but do it until you get a rejection and then practice this. Practice turning, facing the rejection, feeling it, looking at the stories you tell yourself, breaking through and then taking massive action, find the determination of I’m going to do this no matter what. I’m going to find an amazing person and create an extraordinary relationship no matter what, it might be with you, it might not be.
I’m going to grow this business no matter what, it might be with this customer, it might not be. I’m going to show up in the way that I want at work and rise to a higher level of leadership, no matter what, whether it’s now or later, whether it’s with this company or another one. It’s like I’m on the path, I am determined, I’m doing this regardless of what this person says. When you tap into that, you are fucking powerful and you are unstoppable. Awesome, thanks for being with me today. I believe in you, you are unstoppable. I want the best for you; keep expanding your confidence, keep growing. If you want to ask me questions, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and you can also go to socialconfidencecenter.com, socialconfidencecenter.com, that’s where you can get all kinds of dozens of free training videos, check out my YouTube channel and also learn about all live events and programs I have and all that good stuff. So thanks so much for being with me today, till we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on the deep level that you’re awesome; I’ll talk to you soon.
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