What If You Were No Longer Afraid Of Getting Rejected In Your Life?
Do you hate rejection? Do you avoid getting a “no” in many situations in your life?
If so, you are not alone. Most of us would rather get a yes than a no, and most of us hate getting rejected.
But what does it cost you to avoid the “no’s”? What would your life be like if “no” stopped being such a big deal?
Join Dr. Aziz as he interviews the world-renowned author of the best-selling book, Go For No to learn how to break free from your rejection fears today.
Click below to hear this episode!
Click here to learn more Andrea’s amazing work, including her books, teaching, seminars, and much more!
Overcome Your Fear Of Rejection
Welcome to today’s episode. Today we’re going to be looking at the two letters that most people try to spend their entire lives avoiding which is NO, no. “I don’t want to hear a no. I don’t want to get a no. No means I failed. No means I get rejected. No means I’m not going to get what I want and I’m not going to get that money, that promotion, that job, that relationship, that opportunity. No sucks.” And most of us say “No, thank you” to no. But what if we change that? Could changing that be valuable to us in some way? And this can be life-changing when you really start to take this and realize this and you’re going to find out way more about this in an interview I have with expert Andrea Waltz. She’s an incredible author. She’s written a book called go for no which I actually reference in an earlier podcast way back when last year and she’s got some tremendous ideas about how we can generate this sense of freedom in ourselves. So, you can jump into the conversation, you can go to Facebook.com/shrinkfortheshyguy or call the studio hotline (206) 338-3176. But I want to leave plenty of time for my interview with Andrea Waltz so let’s jump into that right now.
My guest expert today is renowned author Andrea Waltz. She is the co-author of the famous book Go for No which teaches people how to overcome their fear of rejection particularly in the area of sales and business development. She has a personal history of doing outlandish things of going for no even as a young kid at the age of eight, she called George Lucas to see if she can work with him on future movies.
She went on to become the youngest general manager in Land’s crafters history, the eyeglass retailer and she launched her own training company at the age of 24. Now she goes around teaches with her partner, Richard Fenton, the co-author of Go for No. they have a company called Courage Crafters, Inc. and they have hundreds of thousands sales of their book and they’re really impacting the business world and people’s thinking around this concept of going for no. So, thank you so much for joining me Andrea and we’re just going to jump into the interview as I was recording it, I ended up kind of missing the first part so we’re just going to jump right into that interview now.
Andrea: It really has to do with being willing and wanting to fail so that you can learn from those things, you can grow as a person but also when you do hear no, when you do experience a failure, often times those are when the biggest breakthroughs, the biggest opportunities happen because you push yourself usually outside your comfort zone and done something that’s usually kind of extraordinary.
Dr. Aziz: Absolutely. And you mentioned something in there which I think is really interesting is you said most people think of no as a failure and can you the word about what you see there. What is sort of the kind of the default stories that people have about no?
Andrea: Yeah, well, I mean to back up too and everyone does kind of play I think the same record in their minds which is “I don’t want to look foolish in front of other people. What will other people think?” and it’s so ironic because when we’re children, we have no problem with failure. We have no problem falling on our face looking foolish, trying to tie our shoes, ride a bike, climb a tree, you know all of the things that we try as kids but then when we get into teenager, adulthood, whatever, we do everything within our power to avoid that failure, that rejection from someone else, from someone else whether we’re trying to raise money to start a business, ask for the sale, get a date, whatever. It doesn’t matter.
That rejection is seen as a failure and so what we really do to protect ourselves from that rejection is really avoid it. So, in order to avoid that failure, avoid that rejection, we only do things where we assume that we’re almost guaranteed success. You know it’s like looking around at five potential dates and saying, “Okay, well of all of these five potential dates I think that four of these people will say no to me, almost assuredly. This one might say yes probably a good chance so I’ll just ask this one person out.” and so in essence, really limiting your opportunities, limiting the possibilities in your life because you’re just so concerned about avoiding that rejection.
Dr. Aziz: Absolutely. I have a good friend who calls that going for the low hanging fruit reaching the thing that’s the easiest that you can surely get but not being willing to climb the tree to try to go for the stuff that you really want, that you’re really going after.
Andrea: Exactly, yes.
Dr. Aziz: But what’s I’m curious about is I really have seen what you’ve said. I have a little 9 ½-month-old baby and he’s trying to stand up right now and he will just fall flat on his face if we don’t catch him. And then like two minutes later after he cries from shock, he’ll get back up and he’ll do it again. And we all know that. We all have seen kids master things through repetition and you mentioned that as well as we were young. We just fearlessly do something again and again. What do you think happens that makes us teenagers or adults start to really make it so bad or wrong to get a failure or get a no?
Andrea: Well, I think a couple of things go on. One, we do – well, one, we are kind of biologically wired to avoid getting really thrown out of the tribe, rejected, being on our own. I think it’s a deep-rooted wiring biologically. But number two, I think there are some interesting personality traits that we develop along the way. Some of them are deep-rooted. Some of them are kind of surfacing. I think we all have a certain part of us that wants, that cares about what other people think that wants to look good in front of other people and so, we do develop this idea where okay, we don’t want our projects to go awry, wee don’t want people to be talking bad about us, all those things and then some of the deeper personality traits that form that I’ve started to see over the years is it could be anxiety and fear.
Sometimes if somebody who had a really bad experience from a sales standpoint where they – that someone maybe yelled at them or really got upset with them for “being pushy” kind of like a pushy salesperson and so their goal now is to never ever upset a customer or a prospect from a sales standpoint and sometimes and this is the trickiest one is just really a sense of perfectionism, just this idea that I can’t go out and try this. Failure is not an option where we say actually this is an option, it’s nothing is going to be absolutely perfect. You can’t plan for every contingency and so that perfectionism trait in some people really causes them to have a lot of fear or anxiety around these things and then to avoid that failure at all costs.
Dr. Aziz: We’re going to pause for just one moment and then we’re going to jump back into our interview with Andrea.
I love that failure is an option and I think that’s a relieving idea because as you said as long as we’re avoiding it at all cost, we’re really not going, inhibiting where we are going to go after in our lives.
Andrea: Exactly. And it’s a shame that that’s where people come to and that’s – one of the fun things I think just about sharing Go for No is and how I’ve noticed this over the years is only because people tell me these things and tell us to do things and say this is where – this is the kind of person I become and I just became this person that hated failure and abhor it and I didn’t want to look bad in front of people and on and on and on. So, I’ve kind of learned about the quirks and the personality traits of people because they reported back to us after reading it all of their challenges that the book kind of helped them overcome and help make them aware of.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. And I think there is a great value and becoming more aware of what the challenges are, what the stories that we tell ourselves about the no and you mentioned an example about the sales fear. I don’t want to come across as pushy. They’re not going to like me. What would you say? I know they’ve done a lot of work to help people overcome their fears and sales. What would you say some of the biggest fears that you’ve seen come up for people who want to be selling something, their services, their company’s programs or products? What fears get in the way?
Andrea: Yeah, I think there are a few different fears. I mean for one just kind of a fundamental social fear sometimes of prospecting. Literally, people have said, “I literally can’t pick up the phone. I don’t want to call someone. I don’t want to say the wrong thing.” Again, that kind of comes back to the perfectionism thing. “If I can’t figure out the exact right thing to say, if I flab my words, kind of sound like a dork on the phone, you know I can’t do it. I just can’t go through that.” And so, really it’s some social anxiety that way, some fear of talking to strangers and then also just the fear of looking like a salesy salesperson and that I think is a big one for people that sell. They know they have to sell their product or service opportunity whatever it happens to be but they just hate the idea of looking like that salesy sleazy salesperson.
And the thing that I tell people at times is that it’s actually by going for a no and being a person who accepts no and says no in a perfectly acceptable answer and handles it with grace and becomes somebody who can handle it kind of on an emotional even kill if you will. You actually avoid becoming that salesy sleazy salesperson that you don’t want to be. It’s the people that go for a yes and have kind of that “I’m going to win at all costs. This person is going to say yes to me today no matter what.” That’s where you adapt that that sales persona that nobody wants to be. So, actually when you go for a no, you can’t adapt the perfect sales persona if you will which is somebody who makes their offer, does it in an upbeat positive way, understanding that ultimately their job is to be an advocate for the customer, helps them make a decision and that whatever they decide is cool and they’re okay with but they’re going to stay positively persistent if that person does say no. But it’s never about badgering and it’s never about being someone who forces a yes on somebody who doesn’t want or need something.
Dr. Aziz: That’s a really interesting idea that that overly pushy, that fear that we’re coming across that we actually comes from an attachment to “I got to get yes” and really an aversion or inability to just relax and say, “Yeah, they might say no eventually at the end of it and that’s okay.” And that’s a really relaxing place to be coming from as a salesperson.
Andrea: Yeah, it’s so true. And so, this is what we noticed is that when you can relax like you say, perfect word, what you find is that the people that you’re talking to don’t feel as pressured by you and the whole process can be a lot more relaxed and a lot easier and that I think ultimately increases one’s confidence. And of course, we all know that doing it, just get old. Sometimes you just need that little extra boost of confidence and that can really power you through for the day or the week and of course the more confident you get, the more confident you become and it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You just need that one little boost sometimes.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah and that’s a great transition into to have a good sense of what’s some the default story is and some of the ways that we or held back by this fear of no. What does from having studied this and coached so many people through it, what is no really means?
Andrea: What is no? I’m sorry. Can you repeat that question?
Dr. Aziz: Sure.
Andrea: I just couldn’t…
Dr. Aziz: You know we have kind of a default story like if someone says no to me it means I’m rejected, I’m a failure, and I’m not good enough. I’m never going to get this. But what is it really – when someone starts going for no, when do they start to realize what it really means when they hear a no?
Andrea: Yes. Okay, thank you. Thank you.
Dr. Aziz: Sure.
Andrea: I completely get where, where you’re coming from now. Yeah. So, well, it’s kind of funny because there’s like that pre-realization and then that post-realization. So, before I think people kind of understand go for no and they can use the philosophy. I think it all comes down to the interpretation right kind of what you’re alluding to with the question. It means I’m not going to be successful. It means you just said no. The next person is probably going to say no. Everyone is going to say no and I’m going to be living under the freeway overpass. I mean that’s where someone can take this. They can both completely blow it out of proportion and have kind of a doomsday scenario with just one rejection. With Go for No and once you can kind of absorb that then what the interpretation and what it can mean really is, “Oh, I see no doesn’t mean never. No means not yet. It’s not about me.”
And I think that’s another thing that you would really appreciate and I’m sure this dovetails a lot into what you teach and that is not taking that no or that rejection personally and being able to say, “You know this person’s background, beliefs, desires, dislikes have everything to do with them, how they were raised, where they live, everything about them as a person and so it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with them and so that’s okay.” And I think when you start to learn to handle those nos with grace and respect, even if you’re disappointed and you are and maybe initially bothered if you can just respect that person’s choice and feel okay about it then that’s a really empowering place to come from.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. And how do you guide people in those early stages before they’ve really gotten. They’re just shifting out of “I’ve avoided this horrible failure for much of my adult life and now they’ve..“ you started to work with them on this idea of building up that tolerance for no and they’re just starting to move towards the it and they get the first few nos and because of their old programming and their old stories, it feels kind of bad and now they know they’re not going to stop because they’ve bought into the idea that “Well, this is how I’m going to overcome this.” How do I help people get through with those first couple of nos, first five or 10 nos that are really stick with them?
Andrea: Right, yeah. And that’s an interesting place to be. And I have to tell you, you know, we don’t do any personal coaching. So, I get messages like this a lot and kind of do what I can to help people through that and that’s a common thing and we’ve seen several different groups of people. Some people hear us talk, see us speak whatever and they say like, “Oh, I get this. Just go out here no more often. I get this and they’re often running.” A majority of the people are somewhere in the middle where they do kind of fall in to that category. You know they do it for a couple times and they do start having the negative feelings. They feel bad and really a couple of things that we teach to help people through that, some of those obstacles.
Dr. Aziz: We’re going to pause for just one more moment and then we’re going to get right back into that interview with expert Andrea Waltz.
Andrea: One is they have to be prepared for it. And you know when you start going for no and collecting a lot of nos, you’re going to get a lot of nos. So, you have to be aware that that’s the goal and that’s part of the process and the key thing that we always teach people is you know celebrate it. We also celebrate the yesses. We also are very good at celebrating our successes but when we try and fail at something or we get a no or a series of nos, that’s again where we kind of fall back on that old interpretation. “Oh, I’m horrible. I don’t know what I’m doing blah, blah, blah” well that’s actually where you should celebrate the fact that you’ve made those attempts, you got those nos, set another goal for another to get, to try something else, to get another no the next day.
Set another goal and then if you get those nos, celebrate those as well, that often times can move people over that initial feeling, feeling bad. But if you take enough action inevitably what happens is that people would get a yes because the yesses are just out there. It is a number’s game ultimately. And so, if they can stick with that long enough, they do get those yesses, they do get more confident and they see, “Oh, the yesses are out there. I just need to hang in long enough to make those things pay off.” So, our job really is to also have a message of stay persistent, don’t quit. That’s a huge part of it because we need people to keep doing it so they don’t give up.
Dr. Aziz: Right. There’s that you kind of have to persist until you reach that breakthrough where they really start to see that no is not sort of a detrimental or problematic outcome, it’s just an outcome that’s on the path towards the desired outcome of yes and I love the idea of celebrating that. Really getting it into your body and your nervous system that this is not something that crushes me or that is toxic to me, this is actually something that’s indicator of me moving forward in the world, me taking action in the world.
Andrea: Exactly, yup.
Dr. Aziz: So, that’s in the next question I had which is how does someone get the courage to go for a no? Let’s say they are on board like, “It’s okay. I get it. That sounds good.” Any tips on just really like raw courage? Is it a mindset? Is it something that you focus on or something to do with your ritual before hand? What are some things you can guide people towards the goal that create that courage when they need it?
Andrea: Yeah. Well, that is a great question. Of course, there’s a couple of your typical cliché answer. I hate to say this but it is true and I know that you know this as well and that is most of the time in order to overcome our obstacles in life, you have to take actions. And unfortunately, courage doesn’t usually show up without the action. It kind of shows up and it’s like when you’re doing it and after the fact. So, it’s one of these things where in part we teach people, “Hey, the fear of what you’re doing and the fear of hearing no is not going to dissipate or go away before you get that first no or even that 10th or 100th no, you’re going to have to act despite the fear.” And then of course, and this is the cliché part, of course, we all hear this. Well, the more you act, the more you get into action, the less fearful you become and then before you know it, it’s kind of like you think, “Well, I can’t believe I was scared of this at one time” like learning anything, learning to swim or whatever. It happens to be.
So, there is that whole action thing and I think that’s just the fact. There is no way around that. You can’t give someone or gift someone courage. We like to say, “We help craft people’s courage.” And really it is convincing people, sometimes dragging them, kicking and screaming if you will to the edge and pushing them off and saying, “Hey, you’ve got to do this. We want you to fail.” And that’s I guess kind of the final thing and this is really is a mindset thing is. In part, we, I feel like we give people permission to fail. We tell them to go fail. We encourage them and want them to go experience failure to see that yes they survived. They didn’t die. It builds their confidence. Maybe it doesn’t feel completely fabulous. But eventually, it just won’t feel so weird once you start doing it. So, it’s getting people into action and showing them that the courage is there when they take the action it’s just a fear that’s there before.
That’s something that people have to work through. But the interesting thing and this kind of goes back to what we talked about a few minutes ago and that is again children. We encourage kids to try things and fail. We did it ourselves and yet somehow as adults especially in business when we’re doing things and maybe we haven’t done before or launching a new website or writing a book or selling a new service and we allow ourselves no room for error like we somehow are all in the no and so, we shouldn’t make mistakes, we shouldn’t fail and yet we did as kids. So, really this permission to fail and kind of re-parenting yourself and saying, “Hey, it’s okay if I make a mistake. I’m learning at this.” I think that’s really the key.
That brings us to the end of today’s show but we’re going to end this with your action step. And your action step is to set a no goal. That’s right. Set a no goal. Set under some area of your life that you want to progress in and instead of saying, “I’m going to get X” say “I’m going to get __ nos. ” So, let’s say you are wanting to get a certain number of sales conversations. Instead of saying I want to get three sales this week, say I want to get seven nos this week. If you’re interested in dating and relationships, instead of saying, I’m going to ask a woman out this week, say I’m going to ask, I’m going to get three nos from women this week when I ask for their phone number. So, how many women will you have to ask to get three nos? Interesting. Does that stuff is too high level for you then say I’m going to walk down the street, I’m going to say hi to people and be friendly and warm and I’m going to say if I can get three nos there and a no there is just being ignored.
And you know that they heard you, not that they didn’t hear you but knowing that, seeing that they heard you saying it out loud enough, friendly enough, warm enough, and seeing if you can get someone to just ignore you. That counts as a no as well. So, whatever level you want to play at, the game is go for no and set a number whether it’s one or three or 10, whatever it is for you, go for a no. So, I look forward to speaking with you in the next episode. We’re going to jump back in that interview with Andrea and she’s going to talk about how to fail bigger, fail faster, how to accelerate this progress in your life with philosophy that’s going for no. and the more you do this, the faster you do this, the bigger you do this, the better you get, the more confident you get, the more successful you become. So, it’s fantastic stuff. I’m excited to share that with you in the next week’s episode until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome.
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