Learn The Fastest Way To Overcome Fear And Reach Your Goals
How do you get more of what you want out of life? How do you go beyond surviving and actually thrive? How do you achieve your dreams and lead a life of fulfillment?
The answer is “Go For No.”
Join Dr. Aziz as he discusses how to overcome your fear of rejection and go after exactly what you want. This direct focus will get you that “yes,” but you will rack up many “no’s” along the way.
Click below to hear this episode!
You And The Word “No”
Hey, welcome to today’s show. Today’s episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy is going to be focused on the word no. That’s right, no; the word that many of us are trying to avoid in our lives, right?
We want to get a yes. If you ask that person out, you want that person to say yes. If you apply for a job, you want them to say yes. Even if you ask to cut in line, you want the person to say yes, but what about the word no? We don’t want that word, we don’t like that word, we don’t want that experience, we don’t want that outcome.
And yet there is tremendous power in the word no. Tremendous power, if you can tolerate a no and if you can move beyond that and actually start to be comfortable with the word no to actually even seek the word no out, then your entire life opens up. And that is one of the main inhibitions or challenges when we’re feeling shy or stuck, is we’re afraid to try because we don’t want to get a no, whether that’s a direct no or an indirect no, like the person stops talking to us or someone is going to judge us. That sort of more vague no but it’s still in the camp of no.
It’s not a yes to who we are and what we’re doing. So often times we’ll play small, we’ll hold back or inhibit and we’ll say, okay I’ll put myself out there, I’ll put my stuff out there, I put my heart out there, I’ll sing, I’ll start that project or that business or tell people what I’m doing when I am certain that the answer and the feedback I’m going to get from people is yes. And everyone around me is chanting my name, yes, yes, you can do it, yes. But how often is the world like that? And so if that is our — for waiting for that then we’re waiting forever.
And I spent many years in my life waiting and waiting, waiting until I was certain that I was going to get yes. In fact I was working with a client and he had a history in his life of avoiding risk because he didn’t want to know. And he said that if there was a 99% chance that he’d get a yes, and a 1% chance that he’d get a no, he still wouldn’t do it because that the no would be so painful, so embarrassing that it wasn’t worth any amount of good possible outcome. And you can imagine how that was working for him in his life and that’s what he’s come to see me.
And so our work together begins with this exploration of no. So what happens to you when you hear the word no? When was the last time someone told you no? Was it a direct no or an indirect no and how did you deal with it– how did you feel? What most of us feel in response to the word no is rejection. It’s a shutting down and inhibiting of ourselves, holding, kind of closing in on ourselves. Perhaps some sort of internal thought stream starts like ah, I shouldn’t have done that, I did wrong, I messed up, I suck, I failed. So no equals rejection.
And if you listened to the last episode about shame and vulnerability, no can stir up a lot of shame in us. We can feel like we’re not good enough and nowhere is this more apparent than in the realm of dating if you go talk to a woman and she doesn’t want to talk to you or you ask for her number and she says no or you ask her out on a date and she says no, that can stir up a huge amount of shame, unworthiness, not good enough. Urgh, that’s terrible, I don’t want to experience that. So, I don’t want to ask because I might get a no.
But that’s what I want to challenge today, is your relationship to the word no which right now if you’re like 99% of the population is one of avoidance. I want to avoid getting a no. I want to make sure that it’s a yes. But that’s where the main problem is, is that example of that client, we’re just waiting our entire lives to make sure that we can get that yes but that’s not going to work and that’s not going to help you overcome any shyness, social anxiety, social fear, it’s not going to help you go to the next level, be bigger in the world, be bolder, take on that thing that you really want to take on, whether it’s your own business, a new relationship that have that deep sense of social confidence comes from being able to hear the word no, actually being able to seek it out.
In fact when I share a story with you in the next segment, me and some friends we were out the other evening and we made a game of seeing who could be the first to get five no’s? So I’m going to share that in a minute but before I do, now it’s time to answer a question that I received via email which I thought was very interesting and it relates to the subject of no and the subject of vulnerability from the last episode. So let’s do that. I said it’s time to answer a question from email.
Ask The Shrink
I received this the other day and here is the question:
Why is it so hard to get confidence? Last I sang at a place with my band. There was another singer as well and she was my guest. I did the first part of the show then she sang. And then I sang the third act. At that same moment, the third act began a few people from the audience left the room. I continued singing but my heart broke. I felt like they don’t want to hear me sing. I know that I don’t have to take it personally but still…
So if this falls directly into what we’re talking about, right? No. And vulnerability, so let’s answer both this first, incredibly vulnerable to sing in front of the group, isn’t it? I mean, someone you’re listening, creating like beats, like, geez, that’s — that itself is highly vulnerable, highly uncomfortable, to put yourself out there to that degree.
I mean the average person only does that at maybe a karaoke and only when they’re like blitz out of their mind, they’ve had like five drinks then you can get up there. Now I’m sure he’s the occasional person who loves it, does it but for most of us signing in that way specially singing your own stuff, your own material which you’ve created and putting out there, it’s very vulnerable.
So I want to commend you on doing that and then pointing out what you are feeling when someone leaves the room, we see shame. Shame is what we feel when and in that sense of I am not good enough. She said my heart broke. And that’s a sense of shame like they are leaving because I am not good enough. And so this gets into the second thing which is that’s a no, isn’t it? Like those people are saying no to listening to her right then. And the most interesting thing to look at then is what do we do with the no? What does she do with the no? What do you do with the no in your own life, in your own particular situations?
Most of us make the no about us and our worth and our value. My singing is not good enough. So the meaning that Luis is putting on this situation is they’re leaving because my singing is not good enough. You know, if I were to ask her, person that say so what do you mean, maybe you’re making that mean, well they’re leaving because, and let have her fill in the blanks and I bet she’d say something like, whatever her own insecurities are around her singing, I was off key, I was too loud, I was too quiet, I wasn’t passionate enough, I was too stiff.
My lyrics were bad. My tone, my melody wasn’t good enough. And whatever she imagines is what she is putting, she is projecting into their minds and thinking that that’s what happening. Now there’s two things, one who knows why they got up? That’s the, you know, in our previous episode we talked about mind-reading. We really don’t know, we have absolutely no idea. Any certainty we believe we have no matter how certain we feel that’s — we cannot — it’s not true, we don’t know that deep down. So the thing I’d say is, is that really true that they left because your singing wasn’t good enough?
Can you really know that? Is that absolutely true? Let me also explore why else might they get up. Perhaps they have to go to the bathroom, perhaps sitting down for a long time is uncomfortable or standing for a long time is uncomfortable. Perhaps they have to go to bed early that night. I mean who know really, just try to expand possibilities and the next thing I’d look at is, well, let’s just go into the fire or let’s go into the crucible. What if they did leave because did not like your singing and they were saying, you know what, Louise, no.
I sing no to you, I say no to you, good madam. Then what do we do with that? How do we tolerate a no? How do we strengthen ourselves so that a no doesn’t cripple us and crash us? And that what is the next segment is going to be all about, so stay tuned.
How To Develop Your Tolerance For “No”
So how do we become resilient to the word no? How do we have that word no not bother us so much? How do we not get crippled and broken inside when someone says no to us, when a woman says no thank you? Have you ever seen a guy who are, maybe you’ve witnessed as he talks to a woman and they have a good conversation and he ask her out, she says no and he says okay. Well, it was nice chatting with you and he walks off.
How did someone do that? You know, it could be a false front, right, like he could be crashed on the inside and be pretending like he doesn’t bother it but I really know people in my life who are able to hear that, able to handle that and aren’t crashed by it.
He might be a little disappointed but it doesn’t — it’s not the end of their world. And that is the fundamental shift as you get nothing else from this episode. I want you to understand that you have to shift from avoiding and fearing no to being bold in the face of it. And the only way to do that is to turn towards what you’re scared of and take it head on and actively seek it out.
It’s like a phobia, you know, if someone is scared to the spider and they spend their whole life in avoiding spiders. The only way that they’re going to transform that and shift their relationship to spiders and overcome that fear is to actively seek them out.
And, you know, for a lot of people they’re not going to do that because they’re like, it’s okay if I’m scared of spiders, not affecting my life but if you’re scared of no I guarantee it’s affecting your life and it’s affecting your life significantly. So how do you overcome that? How do you approach that?
You know, the other night, I was hanging out with several friends and we met up. And I’ve been listening to a guy named Steve Chandler who’s an awesome coach. I mean I just love what he’s putting out there and he talks a lot about how to become more fearless in your life?
And he was saying that, one of his workshops during the break, they told people to go out and get no’s to see how many no’s they could get. And it’s that what an interesting idea? So when I met up with my friends, there’s a buddy of mine who was at the restaurant when I got there, he was the first one there and I got there second and we checked in, how is it going? Shared a little bit of that and I said, so, let’s see how can get five no’s tonight. He said five no’s and I was like that’s right, five no’s. He’s, you mean like you meet for women like I said, who knows, well, if you want to ask woman, that’s sure but whatever, anyone, anywhere just get a no.
He’s like okay, I dig it. You know, he’s hang around me, with me enough and he knows that there’s always some strange social experiment going on so he’s like, okay I can dig it, I’m down. And then our third buddy showed up. And he got down, goes to the chairs, how is it going and then my first friend said, hey Ben, can I get a hand massage and he held his hand out on the table. And my friend Bed was like argh, this is some sort of trick? I don’t know, I don’t want to answer that question. And I started laughing like that doesn’t count man, even he’d say no.
And then so we filled Ben in on the game. So then all of three of us knew about this game. So they’re like, okay let’s get five no’s. And so we’re going to go, and it’s one of those places that we corner at the counter. So we go to the counter and my friend, my first friend is in line and he orders his bowl and it’s like there is café yum, it’s incredible. I don’t know if they — where you’re listening but they have a great stuff. So he gets medium bowl and then at the end he is like, ah, can I have my bowl for free? And the woman looks to him and she says, why? Because I’m really good looking, and then she laughs and says, ah, no, like sorry I can’t do that. He’s like, oh okay.
So he got a no, I mean she didn’t — it’s not necessarily the word no but just anything like it indicates no. She said sorry but that count as a no. So he got a no. And then I’m behind him in line and I’m like, man, he just took my idea. I was going to ask her for something for free. So then I get to the front line and some part of me is like oh I can’t ask her something for free because he just did but then I was like wait a minute, if I ask her for something for free and he just did it and she saw me watch him do it, there’s no way she’s going to say yes. Of course she’s going to say no.
It’s a little more awkward but hey, this isn’t about being awkward, this is about getting my no’s. So I get to the front line and I ordered my bowl, I ordered a medium bowl and she’s like, okay anything else? That will be, you know, $8.99. I was like, okay, the question for you. Can I get the medium bowl for the size of the small bowl? And I laughed a little bit. And she is like, ah, no, that was a really direct no. She’s a little irritated that point. I was like, okay that’s fine. So then we go sit down and we have a meals and we’re hanging out and then on the way out of the restaurant about an hour later, we’re going to go hang out in Downtown Portland and still I have a no, my friend Lan has a no and Ben has zero no’s.
I’m like, well, we’re not kicking this night off, right, if we don’t have a no. So, on the way out, I’m like I’m going to ask that woman for something again. And some part of me is like, this is ridiculous, you’re being so socially weird and another part of me is like, hey this is about getting no’s. So I got to the — got in front of the line and I say to her, I say, are you guys, just want to throw me in these cookies, you know these cookies like a day old that you can eat one of them. She’s like no, we don’t throw out our cookies. I was like oh, can I have one for free?
And she kind of gave me this like this sideways look like, what, no and then I was like it’s my birthday. And she said, really, is it your birthday? I was like, well, on Tuesday and it was a Thursday at this point. She’s like well then it’s not your birthday, so no. I was like okay, thanks and I walked out. So then I had two no’s. I’ve been doing this sort of thing for probably almost 10 years this — not this particular game but exposing myself to what scares me, facing rejection, getting a no, that sort of thing. And I still before it was my turn to go up, I have this bubbly feeling my stomach, this tightness in my chest, this tightness in my throat, shaky feeling in my heart, I’m still nervous.
And so this isn’t about eradicating that feeling of being, you know, never feeling uncomfortable. Again, it’s about not being held back by that fear, it’s about being able to willingly walk through that fear and say, I’m nervous but I’m going to do it anyway. And then there’s a trivial example like it doesn’t matter if I get a free meal or a free cookie and you might even think, well what’s the point of doing with her, it doesn’t matter but the more you can tolerate that feeling and walk into it in those small situations, the more when something really matters to you, you’re going to be able to address it.
So if there’s a woman you want to start a conversation with and you’re going to get that bubbly feeling in your stomach, that shaky feeling in your chest, that tightness if your throat, in fact you’re going to get it even much more intensely than these circumstances that I’m describing. And so if you can move towards that in these small examples and you can do that in the stuff that really matters but those asking woman out, proposing a bold claim to a client that you’re working with or someone you want to sell something to or help them improve their lives, or perhaps you want to face fear in your life and address something you never address.
Have that scary conversation you never had with your partner, with your parent or maybe even start your own business. Whatever it is, you’re going to have to face that fear of no. And this is a powerful way to eradicate that. So that as the night progress and we share one of their story from night and that is we are walking somewhere and it was cold, uhm, you know, cold by Portland standards, maybe 40’s. And there was a bike cop, like a bicycle cop who is at a food cart and his bike was sitting next to him and he had his gloves, his big thick gloves that were still attached to his handle bars, I guess they stay attached.
And we are walking by and my friend walked and he thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get a no. So he said, are those gloves warm? And the guys said, yes. So he is went one step further and he said, can I put my hand in them? And the guy is like, sure. And my friend is like damn it, you know, he sticks his hand in their and he’s like, oh well, these are warm and then when he walked away he’s like oh man, I was convinced that would be a no. So it might be harder than you think to get no’s. And in fact if you’re intrigued by this game, I highly recommend making a game of it and seeing if you can go get three no’s today.
And if you can enlist a friend, it makes way more fun because in tat bubbly nervous feeling is something you’re sharing in, you can talk and joke about it afterwards. If it’s just you, I mean, I’ve done this stuff by myself, it’s a bit more difficult. It makes it a little more likely you might spiral into, I’m a weirdo, I suck, urgh, but remember, I mean, you know, get a friend, get a buddy and remember the purpose of the game is to get the no’s, it’s not to get a yes. And also you want to do it in a way where, you know, maybe you’re making unusual requests, like asking for free meal stuff but you don’t necessarily have to be really obnoxious and offensive to people.
That’s one thing you probably don’t want to be socially aggressive when you do this game. But other than that, you know, and besides, if you’re really shy, a lot of the stuff that you feel like is really inappropriate isn’t inappropriate. Like oh my God, to ask her for a second free thing, that’s really inappropriate. That makes me a jerk. Yeah, that’s something to get over, that’s just your own fear around disapproval or upsetting people. So as long as you’re doing something within the — with the realm of not hurting anyone, then go for no, give it a shot, play that game, let me know how it goes.
So we’re going to be back in just one moment to share one more pieces around how to truly transform your relationship to the word no.
How Do I Talk To Her?
This is such a classic example. I’ve heard this question so many times and I want to put in the show and it directly relates to our topic of going to no. So, it’s time to go to the segment, how do I talk to her?
This scenario is a client who was talking with me about this and it’s the most basics in her that I’ve heard. Then it’s that he was at a coffee shop and he was getting a drink and there is a woman sitting a little ways away on a table with a laptop, there’s actually was a chair, a couch with laptop on her lap and she was typing away or surfing the net or doing whatever people do when they’re on their computers in a coffee shop. And he knows her right away when we walked in. She was beautiful and he’s really intrigued about her and he is single and he wants to meet women, he wants to talk to her and see if there’s a spark or some chemistry and maybe ask her out.
So what do you do? How do you talk to her? And if you really put yourself in that situation, you might feel bubbly feeling that I’m talking about. That urgh, the tightness is his stomach like, oh God, and what’s that fear? It’s like what if she says no? Oh God, that will be terrible but what if you approached it with going for no? How would your attitude be if you’re going to go for no?
Well if you’re truly going for no, here is the thing, and this is where there is a radical shift, if you change your game from I want to get that particular woman to like me and say yes to go out with me and then we’ll live happily ever after.
And if you change your game from that to I want to get a no from this woman, and it doesn’t matter if we go out or not then everything shifts. And you’ll find that that with more women than you could go out, who would want to go out with you? You’ll have an abundance of opportunities to go out with woman if you make that shift. So how would you go for no with her? Well the first place you’d start is you just start talking to her, right, because that’s the first opportunity for her to give you a no.
And how do you do that?
Well man, there are so many ways to do that in fact you want to learn more, go to 30DaysToDatingMastery.com and you can get my free report, seven ways to start conversations with women anywhere, anytime.
And that just gives you a bunch of ideas about how to start natural organic conversations without any, you know, weird pick up stuff. And so, basically, you could just start that conversation in any way, right? And you could just say, can I ask you a question? That’s one of my favorite ways to start a conversation.
Can I ask you a question? So you just walk up to her and stand there for a second and she looks up at you. Hey, can I ask you a question? That would be an easy way to start a conversation. Another way, that will be more direct, more honest, more vulnerable is to say, walk up to her, get her attention and say, you know, I noticed you when I walked in and I think you’re absolutely beautiful, you’re obviously very engrossed in your work here but I wanted to talk with you for just a moment.
What’s your name? This is a very powerful thing to be able to directly and honestly compliment her and say that to her. Well there’s another way, you could just walk up to her and say, what are you working on? Basic question being familiar with her and that’s a big piece that I talk about in 30 Days To Dating Mastery is how to be familiar, just if you’re casual and familiar with her, it becomes this, you know, it’s like you’re a friend and you’re already comfortable with her versus like, hi, how do you do. I am uncomfortable around you. You know, that starts, tends to make her uncomfortable.
So that’s how you might start with the conversation. I mean, might be going for no right because what is she says, no, I don’t want to talk to you or she just kind of like, no, gives you short response. Well then the thing is, if you’re going for no, you would have that conversation and you would be trying to ask her something that’s going to give you a no. So maybe at some point you ask for her number and maybe at some point you ask her out and who knows if you are really playing this game and you really didn’t care and we’re focused on getting a specific outcome with her, you might just make an outrageous request.
You might say, can I use your laptop for a little while? Maybe she’d say no. Can — do you want to get a cup of coffee with me? Do you want to go for a walk with me right now, you’re going to pack up your laptop and go for a walk with me right now. You know, do you want to take me to your favorite place in the city right now? You know, who knows you can make this outrageous request and as you’re listening, you might be like, oh my God that’s so embarrassing, she’s going to think I’m a freak and she’s going to say no.
Exactly because that’s the level of boldness that you want to play with, that full out, I’m going to say what I want, I’m going to ask for what I want, I’m going to make bold requests and I’m going to hear no a lot in my life and that is I know that’s what it takes to succeed to get to the next level. So I’m going to talk about more about how to start conversations with women, how to comfortable in your self, how to do that, how to overcome that fear. That’s just the beginning of that. And I think this relates to the subject though of going for no. In fact that is what we’re going to focus on now in your action step.
Time For Action!
Today’s action step is all and you can guess what’s today’s action step is going to be, right? It’s going to be all about going for no. Getting those no’s. So what today’s action step is, is to get five no’s, get five no’s.
I would suggest doing it, making a day and afternoon where you’re going to get all five, then here is why, because if you space it out, it gives you way too much time to think about it and ruminate about it and be worried about it before and uncomfortable about it afterwards and embarrassed about it and all the stuff.
But if just say, you know what, I’m going to go out for an hour here after work and I’m going to get five no’s, you just throw yourself and you’re going to feel that anxiety, feel that adrenaline, you’re going to work with it over that hour and then when you’re done, you’re going to have a new sense of confidence and power in your self.
It might be a little shaky and uncomfortable like oh no it’s weird but if you commit to that and do that, and really shift that mindset from no means I’m a weirdo and a bad person and shame and rejection, I suck, then you say you know what, those are just a story, ideas I tell myself.
The reality is, it’s just information, it’s just people responding to what I put out there. Someone could say no anytime, it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person, it doesn’t mean anything about me.
It just means, no, no right now. And I want to get comfortable at that, I want to be unafraid of that, I want to be fearless in the face of no and if you make that shift, make that commitment and you play that game, not only at one time but maybe you make a commitment to do, get five no’s per day or five no’s per week, one no per day, however you want to make the numbers those don’t matter as much as that shift, that orientation form avoiding no to jumping face first cannonballing into the deep end of no.
So that’s your action step for today and that’s the episode for today. So if this inspires you to be bold, to take action, to takes risks because healthy risks, putting yourself out there again and again is the most powerful and rapid way to overcome any shyness and inhibition and to take you life to the next level whether that’s you want to just feel stronger, more confident in your self or if you’re more comfortable in conversations, you’re going to be able to ask woman out, you want to have an amazing relationship, you want to have a family, you want to start a business, you want to create career or more money, everything comes down to your boldness in the face of no.
So thanks for listening to the show today. Until we speak again, KNOW that you’re awesome.