Discover How Telling The Truth Unlocks Deep Confidence In Yourself
Are you fully honest with the people in your life? Are you direct, clear, and bold in your communication? Or do you hide out, hold back, please others, and try hard to be “nice”?
Join Dr. Aziz as he interviews honesty expert Dr. Brad Blanton, author of numerous books including Radical Honesty.
Discover what stops you from being fully honest, and how taking the risk to start telling the truth more can rapidly increase your confidence.
Click below to hear this episode!
Learn more about Dr. Brad Blanton and Radical Honesty here
Dr. Brad Blanton has been helping people be more real, authentic, and honest in their lives for many decades. He has a wealth of experience, a broad skill set, and a playful sense of humor to guide you on your journey towards greater honesty and confidence.
Not Being Honest Leads To Social Anxiety
Hey, welcome to today’s show I’m Dr. Aziz and today, we have an exciting experience for you. It’s going to be an interview with an amazing, hilarious, intelligent, articulate guy who has radically transformed my life and many people’s lives with his strong line that he holds about how to stop BS-ing in your life and start being honest. And that actually is going to bring me to a series of shows that we’re doing that starts with interviews with him and then several other authors and people and experts in honesty. Like how do we be more real in our lives? How do we be more authentic, more genuine, and more honest? This is something that I see across the board is if you’re shy, your social anxiety or your lack in confidence when you’re holding yourself back in some way, there are edges where you’re afraid to be honest. You’re afraid to be honest about what you’re really experiencing in your life, you’re afraid to share that with.
If you’re wanting to date women, you’re afraid of just showing up and being yourself. You think you have hide and pretend and you’re trying to present an image to them. You might be anxious it work because you’re trying to posture and pretend like you’re in a certain way and you have the impostor syndrome. You’re afraid people are going to find out things about you and think that you’re not all of that and then maybe lose respect for you or even God forbid, fire you. Perhaps it’s affecting you and your friendships like you don’t really say what’s going on and like someone’s like, “Hey, how is it going?” You’re like, “Oh, it’s pretty good man.” Or maybe you’re not really direct with people. When someone pisses you off or doesn’t show up or doesn’t keep their commitments and you say, “Oh, that’s okay. That’s fine.”
This leads you into the nice guy situation which is where I spent many years and I had a horrible act of authenticity. I thought I was being authentic but I wasn’t being honest because I didn’t ever tell anyone when I was irritated or upset. I, for years, literally years never told one person, friend, family member, relationship, old friend that I was upset with them. That sounds pretty extreme, right? But it’s true. I didn’t. Now, was I such a saint and such a model of prophet hood that I was just total I turn the other cheek and I just didn’t, never felt anything like that? No, bullshit! I just was terrified to reveal that.
I thought if I reveal that I was upset, people would leave me and I was just restricted and anxious and had a horrible stomach and gastrointestinal problems which comes from holding stuff in and not being able to just be assertive and hold boundaries and say, “Hey, I didn’t like the way you did and I expect more of you” and just really holding people accountable on their lives. And so, I was just such this nicest guy and there was the total lack of honesty in my life. You know as the guy that we’re interviewing well, has been a liar, that was bullshit and that’s why I want to help you break free of. So, this is going to be a series of amazing people who have incredible ideas, who are really articulate and I’m going to break down all the key points. How does this work in dating, in relationships, at work, in our lives? How does this improve ourselves? How does this build our confidence?
And so, you’re going to learn how to build your confidence by being more honest, being yourself and finding the courage to take the risks to do so. So, without further ado, let’s jump in the first time interview in the series which is with an amazing author named Brad Blanton.
Expert Interview with Brad Blanton
Dr. Aziz: Today’s guest is someone I’m incredibly excited to speak with. He’s been a hero of mine since I’ve read his book which one of the ones that came across first is called Radical Honesty: How to Transform your Life by Telling the Truth which was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. So much of my anxiety and shyness and concern came from, “Oh, my God, what if people found out this? Or if I said this, then that will happen” and so much things stuck in my head and his was just like a refreshing blast of cold air. It’s a fantastic book. He’s gone on to write books on parenting, about how to apply radical honesty in all different areas of life.
He has actually gone on to run as an independent candidate for the Representative of House in Virginia and had the highest voting percentage from, 25% of people voted for him based upon his campaign of radical honesty, his platform. So, he really practices what he preaches. His most recent book called the Corporate Cannibal Cook Book which proposes eating the rich in order to save the world. This guy is absolutely fantastic. As he says a great example of outstanding and awfulness so that people can be refreshed by it and inspired by it. And this is Brad Blanton. So, thank you so much for coming on the show Brad. I appreciated it.
Brad: You’re welcome. I’m happy to be here. Thanks for that introduction.
Dr. Aziz: You’re welcome. The first thing that I just want to jump in with is some basic thing so people if they haven’t come across your books can just get a sense of what do you mean by radical honesty. What does that mean?
Brad: Well, radical honesty is radical simply because it’s different from the norm. The norm is to politely lie your way through the day and we’re taught of that systematically. As we grew up, we’re systematically taught an incorrect identity. We’re taught from the beginning that we are the grade we make and what the teacher thinks of us and what our peers think of us and it goes on and on. In adolescence where all of our peers think of us and then how we succeed and what degrees we get and that who we are is our reputation is ingrained into like most of Western today or Christian tradition culture and actually in the Aramaic tradition as well it’s like moralism is the disease that we all share and moralism is a disease that saying that being right and looking right is more important than being less.
That being right and righteously correct and proving that you’re better than the other person is what you’re supposed to do and your identity is your reputation. And unfortunately, that’s not true. Who we are right now are noticing beings where people who are engage in a conversation right now and speaking and listening, responding, noticing what’s going on. It’s raining outside and I heard it. I’m listening to the rain. There are two other guys that work with me, they’re in here working, working well on their computers and swatting flies. And my identity is my current noticing being and my reputation and my performance is secondary.
It’s still a part of who I am but it’s not my main identity. The rare quality is about telling the truth. It’s about what you think, what you feel and what you’ve done and living out loud and particularly in personal relationships. I only advocate tell honesty across the board if you have he knocks on the door and says have to lie. If you’re in court America, you wouldn’t lie hire lawyers if they’re poor. But in terms of all your personal relationships, where everyone that you know personally is very vital to your own wellbeing and to theirs and to the possibility of some kind of intimacy and some kind of powerful connection is there only if you identify yourself as a noticing sharing being, not if you’re performing some kind of pretense in order to arrange what you imagine they think about you in their minds.
That is trial of working on that false identity that’s just simply doesn’t work. So, radical honesty is about living out loud, telling the truth, let the and it’s based on a very compassionate belief which is screw them if they can’t take a joke. And that’s pretty much the way I live.
Dr. Aziz: I love it. I love it. And so, I’m sure you’ve been teaching this for years, you do workshops, you ran a platform on it and I’m sure you get a lot of people who say, “Yes, that sounds great but” and then they all have sorts of objections. So, I’m going to voice some of those but that I think might be what some of – the listeners are immediately responding with and you actually address this in your book. I have a little quote I love to read from Radical Honesty which is “We conceal ourselves because we fear that the pain accompanying the act of self-disclosure will literally destroy us or fundamentally damage our being in some horrible way rendering as maimed and dysfunctional. In addition, we fear we may destroy others with our truth telling.”
And I love that. I highlighted that when I read this book a number of years ago and that was definitely a fear that I had was two bad things are going to come from this. Bad things are going to happen to me or I’m going to destroy others and then of course, bad things will happen to me as a result of that. So, what are your thoughts on that kind of hyper fear that people have of hurting people’s feelings and they’re looking bad and all that stuff? How would guide someone through those fears?
Brad: Well, first of all I’d like to say that bad things are going to happen anyway regardless of your best performance or your intention.
Dr. Aziz: We’re going to pause here and take a brief break and then we’re going to jump back into our interview with Brad Blanton.
**Dr. Aziz has most popular training program Confidence Unleashed is helping men from all over the world transformed their confidence levels. Here’s an email from a recent graduate. “Thanks so much for your program Dr. Aziz. Here was a story about a recent job interview I had. Before going through Confidence Unleashed I had a long history of avoiding social events I thought of as threatening. I have this internal coach that tells me I’m not good enough to pull it off. You’ll step into a fearful situation that is behind your capability. You’ll make a complete fool of yourself. Just accept it my friend, you’re where you are now because you’re not meant to be any higher. I became visibly smaller, physically shrinking in my seat over breakfast so I applied what you teach and distance myself from this internal voice.
I said to myself, I, Anthony will now get farther than the road than I would if I took the advice of that BS coach. As my job interview drew closer, I grew increasingly more petrified as my negative coach came back and fed on my doubts. Images from Confidence Unleashed reminded me that my future self will be more confident so long as I do something now to make it so. Forget the end result, just deal with the person I really want to be would do if he was now facing the situation. I made the negative coach sound ridiculous and feel ridiculous. I viewed my negative coach as a whining impostor and owe to myself for the good person I really am. The journey was tough and seemingly immense but I face my fear instead of running away and completed the day by experiencing pure euphoria. Warmest regards, Anthony.” Go to www.confidenceunleasednow.com to learn more.
Brad: If you can affirm life, you have to welcome bad things and even be the causes of them, you’re in trouble because you spend your whole life dancing on show. And so regardless of all your hard work, you’re still going to make mistakes, you’re still going to screw up. People will still going to get mad at you. People still won’t say their feelings if they’re hurt or their reason that they’re offended by you and the way to get over it is to be completely honest so that you can get hurt and then get over it. You can get over being hurt in a matter that you can get over being angry in a minute or two. You can get over all these things if you confirm them, admit them, and stick with each other.
So, you see if you think about who your real friends are, there are people who you’ve had disagreements with before even arguments before, got your job they’re off before, being mad at each other before but you’re stuck with each other and you got over it and on the other side of it, you were a little bit deeper friends, you were a little bit better friends because you felt like you could trust each other to not just go along with whatever you were pretending. And it’s okay, I love pretend games and my favorite people in the world are little kids between about I don’t know less than a year old to about 10 years old because we play pretend games. We play like Star Wars or Yoda or anything on video or in TV or anything like that. It’s a fun to run around and play outside and play games on out and all these pretend games, they’re just wonderfully fun and I think it’s a fun thing to do.
What is the most fun, whenever people within it. What I about to say was that we start playing another game on top of our usual pretend games when we’re 11 or 12 or 13 or 14 and so, we start pretending that we’re not pretending when we are. And Radical Honesty is about confessing that. Say, “Oh, no never mind that was my performance speaking on you and then doing something for me.” I was playing like I wasn’t angry when I was actually hurt. I was playing while I was hurt. I was happy when I was unhappy or I was pretending, acting putting on a show. I take it back. I was wrong.
I’m really mad at you. I’m not just like happy that you’re doing that and I don’t like it and then you tell the truth about it and what happen is they say, “Well, I wouldn’t sure that you enjoy the first place. You liar and I resent you for it.” And I say, “Good. Everything that you’ve heard of when you said the first place.” We all have our argument and then in five minutes, you put your arm around each other, go get a beer, and you’re friends, better friends than you were before.
Radical Honesty is about telling the truth and knowing that even most of the time, we didn’t know what about we think. Most of what we think is bullshit anyway. Your man is not your best friend. I don’t trust any man including my own. But I’m sure that I’m not going to trust somebody else’s. So, what we do is we can work things out so that we can discover a deeper truth, only if we share and reveal all the bullshit we got going on in the first place. And then there’s thing called co-hearted, go-intelligence where people are together and their intention is to be open and honest with each other and they can come up with brilliant solutions to problems more than any of them can on their own. So, it’s a way of like operating on a sort of a distress of mind itself. You need to distress your own mind as well as the minds of others and say, “Well, given that if we follow the instruments we have, what can we figure out here about what to do, about what work best for us and stuff like that?” That is what called co-hearted, co-intelligent cooperation and that’s what I work at and teach people and groups and write about and I’m about to launch an online course about here in the next month or so.
Dr. Aziz: Oh, cool. And what I like about that is that we can get really identified with, “Okay, I’m angry with this person” that means all the angry thoughts I’m having are justified or right or mean something, their thoughts that are in response to me. Maybe, “Oh, someone is upset with me. Those thoughts mean that I’m bad or that I’m unlovable person.” And what I hear you saying is they’re just thoughts. You know just let it go and share them and you will realize that they’re not the reality of us.
Brad: Yeah, right. And it’s a great relief when you haven’t seen from his eyes and I say, “Oh, well, never mind what I just said. That was all bullshit.” You say, “Thank you.” Because you appreciate how it end, not having to deal with ghost or all, you know.
Dr. Aziz: And one thing you said in your book which I’m really curious about is that sometimes people think they’re being honest and they’re saying stuff but at the same time, they’re trying to maintain their image or not say something that’s too direct potentially, too hurtful and so they leave having “being honest” but then are still not satisfied.
Brad: That’s right because it’s sort of they’re trying to be too diplomatic. Diplomacy works. It seems like diplomacy works. That’s why the world is in such great shape and everybody is taken care of and happy and everybody has medical care and plenty to eat in any way. Diplomacy is what causes the world to be the way it is. I’ve been with psychotherapists in Washington DC for over 30 years and I certainly became an expert in lying just from the environment I was in and some more lawyers than any other single profession over that 30 years. And so, I’ve been thoroughly steeped in all of the professional level, bull shit there is the world and I bet on you. All of this is bullshit.
And so, what we’re after is that we rescue each other from our own lying in a way that if you tell me the best description of what you are feeling and thinking and doing and I’ll tell you my best description of what I’m feeling, thinking and doing. And then we throw away what our minds think about it. We get a kind of a checking with each other about what is your mind thinking versus what my mind thinks. Well, it’s something we both need. We realize it, it’s not something we’re just going to try it to you, convince them again that we’re right and they’re wrong. That’s a kind of a ridiculous game is to figure out the way that both of us are wrong and one of us is maybe more right or not right or less right. We have to sort it out by sharing honesty with each other in order to get anywhere.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. And that was definitely my experience as I applied what I read in your book. I found that I could, as much as I was trying to be a nice guy and I want to talk with you in a minute about nice guys, but I was really trying to be a nice guy and not be angry and be in a cordial and friendly and pleasing and I found that on the outside I would look that way, those are roles I was playing but inside I’d be angry a lot. I’d be resentful, I’d be stewing on some person or something for days and I felt the more I would just say something, even if I didn’t get satisfaction, even if they didn’t agree with me. But me just saying, “I don’t like this or no, I don’t think you really know what you’re talking about right here” and I would just say stuff like that. I would forget about it after an hour or I won’t even, sometimes I’d leave a conversation and not even think about it again.
Dr. Aziz: And so there’s some profound relief I can come. I really want to reinforce what you’re saying there.
Dr. Aziz: Let’s pause here for one more moment and then we’re going to be jumping back into that interview with honesty expert Brad Blanton.
**The other day I was at the supermarket and I saw this cute guy in the produce aisle. I was hoping he would come and talk to me. I gave him all the signals. I looked at him for a second to get his attention, I stood nearby pretending to look at some apples and I even smiled at him as I walked by. He just looked nervous, fretted his eyes and turned away. It was almost as if he wanted to talk to me but just didn’t know what to say or do. I was ashamed too. I was really hoping to meet him. I’ve been feeling lonely recently.
Are you tired of being that guy? I personally spent many years in that place where there were women everywhere around me that would have dated me if I just had the courage to go talk to them and as the same that is true for you. Even if you think you’re too short or too fat or not rich enough, that is all just stories in your head and if you want to learn how to transform that and break through to the next level and create the relationships that you really want just by being yourself, then go to www.30daystodatingmastery.com and get started today.
Dr. Aziz: So, the question is, I guess we’ll jump into that now is the role of the nice guy. Think one of the ways of coping with shyness or social anxiety, you know this fear people aren’t going to like me and I got to keep up this image is okay, well I’m just going to be really nice and friendly and accommodating and therefore, I’ll only get love in positive regard back. What are your thoughts on the nice guy role and its effectiveness?
Brad: Well, it’s a good theory. It just didn’t work in practice. One of the problems about being a nice guy is that when you actually do feel nice towards someone or you do appreciate something that it is or you respond warmly, you don’t get the benefits and they don’t get the benefits of that because they already know you’re being phony about being happy all the time anyway. And so, when you’re authentically happy, you don’t get to communicate that either because it’s like, “Oh, yeah. It’s just Mr. Nice Guy over there doing his number.” And so, you don’t get the nourishment of common place experience with those people. It’s like having to play a tough guy role is the same thing. It’s like being locked in some kind of performance modality is the problem. It can be a nice guy, a bad guy, understanding guy, smart guy, and smart ass guy.
But if you have to stick in that all of them, when you think about it, they wanted some more fun with the smart ass guy because there’s a least of entertainment there, right? And you don’t hesitate to make corrections because they know you’re full of shit and you can say it because it kind of give you permission by being such a smart ass in the first place.“
Dr. Aziz: Certainly, certainly. If one were to lock into a role that would be a more enjoyable role to be locked into.
Brad: You don’t have to be quite as guarded. You can more of a comedian, you know.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. So, one thing that I think a lot of people that I work with, men that I worked with, they’re frustrated by is that they find out when they pursue women and dating and they come from this nice guy place, they typically don’t get the responses that they want. She’s not interested in a second date or sees them as more of a friend or loses interest for a little while and they’re frustrated because as one client I worked with said, “I would do anything for her. I’ve bent over backwards for her.” And in my head I was thinking, “That’s part of the problem. Let’s talk about that.” But I’m curious, what do you think is going on there? Why is that not attractive to women and then how can people shift that?
Brad: Well, I think willing to appreciate reality and honesty are better than just being sort of funny. There are these two guys who are working with me right now who has been able to do a lot of dating lately and they started out relative insulting. So, their pickup line is something like, “Yeah, what makes you think you’re still hotter?” That’s a little bit of overstatement of the case but something in that direction and they through, they have this developed radical honesty as the wonderful pickup line which you rarely say, “What are they think and see if that works out?” They’re kind of good-looking.
So, when they get by us, they fail and just go over the next one so that’s what they’re doing. But the thing is it is charming because it’s outside of the usual mode of operation. Some pretty woman in a place she go like a bar or something knows that all the guys who have been there are after and she’s just listening to one attentive pickup line after another. You know some guy walks in and says, “Oh, you’re not so bad but I’ve seen hotter.” She says, “Oh?” And she is sort piqued a little bit maybe put off but at the same time interested because he’s not the usual bullshit that she’s getting all the time. When people are playing like they or just being charming because they like her when she knows they have been the one who just want to go to bed her right now. This is like a nice guy line I think it ought to be. “Oh, I’ve been there where backwards for you if you’ve been there be forwards for me.” That would be a nice opening line I supposed.
Dr. Aziz: He would be taking a leap into the smart ass realm.
Brad: That’s right. But anyway, the reason that nice guy is coming last is because they’re coming last, because it doesn’t take too much to see through a nice guy with somebody just persistently (26.32) just completely nice and happy it could be that they’re happy and they did yoga and meditate herself. But generally it’s their little pretense, their funniness is coming across. And people like authenticity. I mean, we all like it even if it scares us or it makes us little upset or angry or something like still we prefer the honesty at someone who just comes out and says whatever hell is on their mind and do what they want and what they’re after whether they get it or not.
They’re not trying to sort of dance and manipulate. They’re just saying this is what I want, what about you? And it’s okay that they want what they want. It’s okay that you want what you want. It’s okay if you don’t want what they want and then they don’t have to be a match then you just keep talking and see what else you have to say. The thing is it’s not as though you have to say consistent with your role as a nice guy or a smart guy or any kind of guy so if you’re sometimes nice and sometimes a jerk, it’s probably more believable.
Dr. Aziz: We’re going to pause the interview here today and you’re going to hear the rest of it in next week’s show because there are so much good stuffs that we need to get to in this episode and he had so good ideas and I don’t want to cut any of them out because everything I found to be really helpful and profound in my life and my own relationships. And what we’re going to do now is we’re going to jump into our action step.
Dr. Aziz: Today’s action step is to tell the truth. Tell the truth. Experiment with the stuff that you’re hearing. Don’t just listen to it and say, “Oh that sounds kind of crazy.” Give it a shot. I mean when I first read his book, I was a madman. I was just like walking around and just saying stuff it worked and I had a good friend of mine that I work with and he’s like, “Dude, I’m on edge being around you. I don’t know what you’re going to say next.” And I’m like, “Yeah, that’s right.” And he was totally freaking and it felt like a rollercoaster and it was the beginning of me being more free in my life. So, I want you to take action. Find just look for those opportunities and be more honest. Say what’s really going on. When you’re upset say you’re upset.
You don’t like these things, say you don’t like it. You’re attracted to someone tell them you’re attracted and just see what happens. Poke the box and see what responses you get. That’s your action step for today. Let me know how it goes. Again, check out the show Shrinkfortheshyguy.com. You can call the hotline there, you can respond to me through there. You can also like the show on Facebook at Facebook.com/shrinkfortheshyguy. Please share this with anyone you know that could benefit from it and until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome.
All music is either licensed or royalty free.
DeepSound – Lost Ground
(Licensed through Pond5.com)
Justin Crosby – Afterparty
(Licensed through Pond5.com)
(Licensed through JewelBeat.com)
DeepSound – Yellow Dog
(Licensed through Pond5.com)
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
(Creative Commons License)