How To Greatly Increase Your Confidence With Powerful Compliments
How are you when it comes to compliments? Do you get nervous or awkward when someone gives you one?
Do you freely share compliments with others or do you hold back and keep them inside?
What would it be like if you could feel joy at receiving a compliment and love and appreciation as you give compliments to others?
Join Dr. Aziz in today’s show to find out how!
Click below to hear this episode!
The Power Of Compliments
Welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today is a big one, because it is about compliments and compliments is something that many people struggle with on some level. It might have gotten to the point where they can look OK on the outside. I know I got to there at one point where someone would give me a compliment and I learned to just say “Thank you,” and not squirm around and get really awkward and uncomfortable although I have been there, too.
A lot of people learned to do that, but there is something deeper than that. There is a way to actually to receive the compliment and take it in, and a lot of people, most people inhibit themselves when it comes to giving genuine, heartfelt compliments, really acknowledging the good in the people around them. And it does not mean we don’t feel. It does not mean we do not like the people that are around us. We just do not say it. And if pressed we might just say, “Well, they know. They know I like them. They know I love them.”
So, if you are in any of those situations or if compliments are like a plague and you try to avoid them and if you leave the room when someone gives you one, or you never tell the people what you feel, then this show is going to be exceedingly important for you. Wherever you are we can all get better and more free when it comes to giving and receiving compliments. So, let us dive into that now and really hope to free things up for you.
So, first of all, why are compliments incredibly important? You might be thinking, “What is the big deal? Who cares if I do compliments or not?” but here is why they are so incredibly important:
They are very connecting, extremely bonding. If you can give someone a compliment and they can receive it, you are connected to them in a new way. Whether it is a woman that you are interested in dating or your girlfriend or your partner, they can never get enough compliments by the way, or just a colleague or a friend. Someone you just met. If you can do that it is incredibly bonding. It is like a social glue that connects us to other people. I mean, haven’t you ever experienced this? Where someone compliments you and you let it in, it feels really good, doesn’t it?
And ultimately why compliments are so important, is because I am saying bonding and connection and all that stuff. You know what it is really ultimately about? It is love. A compliment is a little unit of love that is being transmitted. Even if you do not know the person, when saying someone you love someone you do not know freaks you out, just maybe like or affection or positive regard, but I like the word love because that is, hey, that is what we are kind of here to do, right? Try to expand ours capacity to give and receive love.
So, it is a unit of love and the more you can exchange those units, the better you feel, the more open you are, the better your life is, and the more you draw to you. If you are freely expressive and able to love others, then you are going to feel more love in your life. You are going to draw more people who love you into your life whether you want friendships, connections for your business or career, or a partner, someone that is going to be there in your life day in and day out. So, that is why compliments are so important.
Let us dive into now, the blocks to receiving compliments, because we are going to have to remove these. If we do not remove these and we jump into how to give them and how to receive them, it is not going to work. Because right now, you might have some blocks that are stopping you from being able to receive compliments or give compliments. So, let us look at some of those blocks.
What are the blocks to receiving compliments? One of the biggest ones is it conflicts with your self-image. It conflicts with your self-image. So, oftentimes, we see ourselves worse than we really are and if you are struggling with confidence in any way then that is absolutely happening, 100% guaranteed. You are seeing yourself worse than you are and if it is really bad then you see yourself really distortedly, really poor. Like, “I am a total loser. I suck.” And if it is not so bad your confidence is a little better, then you just are like, “yeah. I am alright.” “I am not so great,” and so you are still seeing yourself as less than you are.
So when someone gives you a compliment, they are seeing the good in you, they are seeing the greatness in you, and they are sharing that with you. So, they are saying, “Wow. You did a really great job. That was an amazing presentation.” Or, “Wow. You look really great in that shirt,” and if that conflicts with how you see yourself, “that presentation was not that great, I messed up a few times,” or, “this shirt, man, this shirt I look all weird and sure makes me look small and flabby,” or whatever your criticisms of yourself are.
So, it conflicts with that and so we block the compliment from coming in and why we do that is a whole fascinating deep discussion about our identity and our self-concept and how we will do anything to maintain that even if it is horribly negative. Which is why, as part of freeing yourself, you have to shift your self-concept, you have to start to see yourself in a better light, but that is a whole new other rabbit hole we can go down.
The other reason that we block compliments is because of something that I call excessive humbleness. And I have seen this a lot in myself and in clients that I work with, there is an excessive humbleness. Not like a good kind of healthy humbleness like, “I cannot control everything in this world,” and “That is out of my control,” and “there is a higher power,” or, “there are things beyond me that I am just going to serve,” or whatever. That is the healthy humbleness.
I am talking about excessive humbleness which is like this fear of seeming egotistical. Like, “oh no, I do not want to say that about myself,” “oh no, I am just a lowly person,” “I am not great,” “I am not this,” and this is really squirmy thing that happens. We are afraid of being egotistical and, man, barf, just let that one go. Just let yourself be great because you are. Let it in. We will get into how to break free these and how to take compliments and give them in a moment, but I could not help myself, I just have this revolting feeling around that one. Having been stuck in it for so long myself and just now, man, you let yourself be great. OK.
What are the blocks to giving compliments? Well, there is many but the first thing that came out of my mind is one that we are afraid we are going to be rejected. We are afraid our compliment is going to be rejected. Like, the person is not going to like it or not like us for saying it. “Get away from me creep.” So that is a big one. We are scared we are going to be rejected.
Another one is we are afraid we are going to make them feel uncomfortable. Because if we are squirmy and uncomfortable around taking compliments, receiving compliments, then we might assume that other people are going to feel just as uncomfortable.
There are a million reasons why you might think about that for yourself. Why do I block myself from giving and receiving compliments? That is a valuable inquiry to do.
Let us take a quick break right now. We have a great question from our listener exactly about this topic and we are going to learn how to give compliments, openly share how to receive compliments and take them in, and a few other things there as well.
Ask The Shrink
Today’s question comes from a fellow named “T”. Probably not his real name but that is anonymity there for you. “What are your thoughts on telling a girl you think she is beautiful when asking her out? I have a few sisters and they think it is too over the top and will make a girl feel pressured and uncomfortable. They think something more low key, like, ‘I noticed you,’ says the same thing but without being so heavy. Then again, they are talking to their brother and might be thinking of what they are comfortable thinking of me saying, not what they would like from another guy. Thanks for your thoughts.”
So this is a great question. I am sure a lot of people listening have that question as well. How direct or how much to compliment a woman when you first meet her, and my thinking on that is you can do anything, really. I used to be really scared to do that and then I just got tired of pick up artist indirect stuff like, “hey, ladies, I have a question. A friend of mine is dating a woman…” and this is like some made-up script thing and I just got more and more direct. For me this started to work because I really just owned it.
Let me ask you this question first. I think it is great to compliment a woman when you are first meeting her or when you are asking her out. I do not know if your sisters are imagining it being done in some over the top uncomfortable way such as, you look at her and there is this like long pause and you say, “Wow! You are so beautiful. I mean, do you want to go out with me?” Yeah. That is going to probably freak her out a little bit, right? It is a little intense. You know, wait until it is really on. So that is too much, but we can be a lot more casual and warm at the same time.
So, when you go up and talk to her you may start with, “I noticed you,” or something like that and then as you are talking, the conversation is going back and forth, you can say something like, “wow. You have a really beautiful smile.” And then just smile at her for just a second and then pause for just a second and then move on to something else. “So, tell me about that race you are going to run.” You redirect the conversation. See what I am saying? You can put a compliment that is really genuine, really sweet, really warm, and you do not have to linger there if you are worried about being too much and at the same time this way we are not holding back.
And I started conversations with women by saying, “why you have incredibly beautiful eyes, I wanted to come meet you.” And, this is really powerful stuff. Not everyone has to do this, but for me it was like, “how would I be if I was not fully confident in myself, if I fully did not care about being rejected as long as I was just showing up as myself and that is what I wanted to do?” So you are going to ask yourself that question as well, Tee. Because you know, if I was fully confident and I did not care about being rejected and I was just going to be fully expressive, fully bold, fully me, what would my style be? What would I say? And then, go with that. *12:24 is a great thing to do. It helps her feel at ease, makes her feel good about herself, and it is really a high-confidence move to compliment a woman.
So, keep on rocking my friend. Those are my thoughts on your question.
So, let us go into how to give compliments and how to receive compliments. Let us really tackle this thing.
How To Give Compliment
So, first of all, how to give compliments? Let us start with that.
One is just openly share. When stuff comes into your mind just take the risk and say it. Really the biggest obstacle to giving compliments is just the risk. We have to jump over that fear of they are not going to like it, and one of the best ways to jump over the fear that they are not going to like it is just start doing it. Just start giving compliments more, and they do not have to be huge. Just little things like, “that is a cool watch,” “I like your bag,” “nice shirt,” “oh, you got a haircut, looks really good.”
So, you can do little things like that with people that are already around you in your lie. You can walk down the street and do what I call a drive-by compliment which I talk a lot about in my program, 30 Days to Dating Mastery, where you just walk down the street and you compliment people on little things, and you get over that fear once and for all so you can just be free and then it is really amazing.
I have a good friend of mine who always was just complimenting people in that way and people loved him. Because they just came across, he is just so genuine, it is just part of who he was, and so practice this. This is the way to do it. There is really no wrong way it is just getting over the fear. The only challenge is, is if we are really uncomfortable around doing it, then when we communicate it, remember it is a unit of love, right? So, as with any love, the more we constrict and sort of only partially give it the less we get back and the less the transmission is received. The less good the person feels.
So, just fully own it and if you are not able to do that yet, start practicing. And it is OK to first feel you might be a little restricted and then you will get over it real quick. So that is how to give compliments.
How To Receive Compliment
How to receive compliments?
Well, first things first, external is important. Even if you are internally uncomfortable with it, the first thing you got to do is just say, “thank you.” That is it. Take it in. “Thank you.” “You really look good today.” “Thank you.” “You did a really good job on that report.” “Thank you.” I mean, that is it. Really simple. Just take it in. Say, “thank you.” Smile. Smile and say, “thank you.” That is the external part, and then you can work on the internal part, because some part of you inside might be like, “no, not really.”
So here are things to resist. Do not take the compliment away from them. Do not shit on their gift, to put it directly, to put it bluntly.
So, a compliment is a gift. It is a unit of love, right? So, when they say, “great job on that report,” they are in some way saying “hey, I love you,” or “I like you,” and if you say, “no, it was not that great,” what is that doing to their gift? That is right, it is shitting on it.
So, do not do that. Resist the urge to like, distort their reality, to fit a negative perception of yourself.
“Oh, it was not that good,” “I messed up,” or whatever. No. Just say, “thank you.” And you are going to deal with that stuff inside your own body, your own head. You do not want to discount the compliments. That is definitely something you do not want to do. That is not being humble, “oh, I am not so great,” just “thank you,” yeah, “awesome,” right?
So, if you do want to say something you can say something about it that you are proud of or where you got it. Like, “nice watch,” “oh, thanks. I got it at such and such,” or, “great job on that presentation,” “oh, thanks. Yeah, I really prepped for it,” or, “you know it was pretty spontaneous, I prepped a little but I just really want to keep it open.”
So, you can say something about your experience of it but you see how those are not discounting it. I hope you are getting that distinction.
So, you know another thing you can do, which is what I love to do, especially if you are getting the compliment from someone that you know is ask them to tell you more. Whoa! I know. Bull, right? Risky. So, this happens a lot with my wife where she will say, kind of out of nowhere like, “Aziz, you are amazing,” or “I love you,” or something like that. I can tell she is thinking of something specific that is making her say and that and I will say, “Oh, thank you. I am so curious, what are you thinking of when you say that?” And then she smiles just to think and say, “well you did…” and then you get more specific. And the reason that is so powerful is it is incredibly healing to you, to really learn what people see in you, the good in you, the great in you.
Because as I said before, people see us better than we see ourselves often, right. So, we always want to be expanding and growing our self-concept to include the good that other people can see in us that we cannot quite see in ourselves.
So, that is a high-level move. You do not have to do that if someone is like, “hey, great presentation,” “oh, thanks. What did you like about it?” These are powerful things. Not only does the person get to express more of their love, more of their appreciation, but you also get to learn a lot more about what is great in you. So it improves your self-concept, improves your self-esteem. So that is a win-win-win. It is an amazing thing to do with compliments so that is like a high-level move on how to receive compliments. I do not think I ever shared before. Hey, bonus to you.
So, let us dive into putting this into practice. Because you can get all the theory in the world but you got to take action to transform your life.
So, let us jump into your actions.
The action step for today, is to give three compliments. Today. Do it. Give three today. Get out there and, you know, little things even with strangers.
“Nice jacket,” something small. And if something gets in the way, I have done this with people and they are like, “nah, there is nothing I could genuinely compliment on. I would only be making something up.” Dude, that is just some weird excuse. That is just you being afraid of rejection. There is plenty of stuff you can compliment on. And, if you cannot find anything that you like about anyone, then something is really tight and constrict inside you. Something is going on. And it is really just fear that is all it is. So just breathe into that fear, send that love, send yourself some love, relax yourself a little bit and say it is OK. It is safe to give these compliments and get out there and give three of them today.
And, if someone gives you a compliment, the next time someone gives you a compliment which may or may not happen today, although something interesting happens when you start to give, you might start to receive more. Hey! How about that?
So, when someone gives you a compliment, what are you going to say? That is right. “Thank you,” and then you smile, take it in.
So, that is your action step for today.
Thank you so much for listening. It has been great to speak with you today.
If you would like to learn more just check the website at socialconfidencecenter.com. You can also go to facebook.com/socialconfidencecenter. All kinds of new stuff being posted there. You can like the page and be abreast of updates, etc.
So, great talk with you today. I look forward to more. Until we speak again.
May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.
Talk to you soon.
Thank you for listening to Shrink for the Shy Guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you have just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkfortheshyguy.com.
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