Discover The Secrets Of High Confidence Greetings…
Did you know that greetings communicate a tremendous amount about your confidence? More importantly, how you greet people sends a powerful message to your subconscious mind about what you think of yourself.
Join Dr. Aziz as he shares the secrets of high confidence greetings (and goodbyes) so you know how to improve your social life, make quicker connections, and leave a positive, lasting impression on others.
Click below to hear this episode!
The Importance Of Greeting People With Confidence
Hello, welcome to today’s show. Today, there’s no guest, it’s just you and me, and we’re going to have some time to dive in something which I think is incredibly important. A number of the clients that I’ve worked with individually have struggled in this area, and it’s affected there confidence in a lot of ways, and this area is in greeting people, and its flipside which is saying goodbye. and it seems like a small thing, right, it only takes three, four, five seconds to do it, but it can set the stage for everything.
It also sets the stage for how you feel the rest the rest of that night, if you are going to a social event, or how people see you and respond to you how confident you feel about yourself, what messages it communicates to your subconscious about who you are, and how confident of a person you are. So much comes out of being able to have confident, impactful greetings with people. so we’re going to dive deep in that topic, you’re going to learn so much, it’s going to help you immediately in your life to start more, more positive social interactions.
If you’d like to share about some of those experiences that you’ve been having from listening to this show, then by all means call the studio hotline at (206)-338-3176 or go to the shrinkfortheshyguy.com, and you can leave me a message there, you can send a voicemail, you can send me an email. I love hearing about your progress, your successes, your challenges, what you’d like me to focus on in future episodes, I really, love the feedback I’ve been getting.
So let’s jump into How to Greet People with Confidence. So how do you greet people right now? Actually before we go any further, what is your current style, your current MO? think about that, there’s different areas, right? You could be greeting strangers, someone that you just met, that we’re or you were introduced to, it could be someone that you’ve met, once or twice, and you’re meeting them for a second time or a third time. Maybe it’s someone that you see regularly, a co-worker, a colleague. how do you greet people, typically, right now, in your life? just pay attention.
There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing or there’s a right way to do it or a wrong way. This is just something to notice, do my greetings seem confident or not confident? Are they warm or they kind of more cold or distant? How do I do it right now? That awareness is really going to help you.
interesting. do you like how you greet other people? does it feel natural to you, do you feel like being yourself? would you want to be able to do anything different? Oh, here’s the right question, is there anyone that you’ve seen greet people that you like, you’re like, “oh, wish I could do what that guy does! It looks so cool , or casual or confident, I want to do what he’s doing.” Think about that for a minute.
Why is this important in the first place, right? What’s the importance of a confident greeting when it only lasts like three (3) seconds? What’s interesting is, even though it’s just really short, it sets the stage for the entire interaction, and it communicates powerful things to yourself and to the other person about your own confidence level, because if you can make an impact in a greeting, it can last for the entire conversation and maybe even for months. You can make a very powerful impression on someone when you greet them, and when you’re free to greet the people in the way that you want to, it just feels good and starts to boost your own confidence. And we’re going to get to it in a minute, what exactly is a confident greeting, what are the components of it and how to bring more of that out.
Obstacles To Confident Greetings
But in the moment, let’s ask this question, what stops you from having confident greetings, right now, what gets in the way, what blocks you from just being comfortable with people and interacting with them? Starting a conversation or interacting and greeting in them in the way that you’d like to? What gets in the way? What are some of the fears?
One of the most common fears, which is kind of the common social fears in general is ,guess what, the R word, that’s right? Rejection or afraid of getting rejected. You might say, “wait a minute, we’re afraid, I mean, I can understand asking someone out or trying to get a meet up or sale or something like that, they’re could reject me, but they’re going to reject me just from greeting them, are you sure? And yes, I am sure because I lived in that place for years myself where I was uncomfortable around greeting people.
Now rejection is not necessarily always wholesale get-away-from-me-you loser, we can be attuned or more sensitive to even more subtle social rejection, right? So when you greet someone and you’re kind of enthusiastic like “hey, how’s it going?” and they give you sort of a strange look, or they kind of throw their brow and look to their friend, like “what’s up with this guy?” or they roll their eyes, or they draw just kind of cold and response. Whatever, any of these things can feel like a rejection? And if you haven’t done the work on that stuff, then you might take it personally, and you might say, “Ugh, I am a loser, I shouldn’t have done that because this person didn’t like that.”
And if you have all that fears and stuffiness around that then you’ve got to get my book, “The Solution to Social Anxiety,” that will help you break free of that, or my programs or my website something to help you shift out of that, or even just go back and listen to these bunch of these podcasts, and you’re going to find a way how to break free of that “oh-my-God-I-can’t-do-anything-that-anyone’s going to dislike. But that’s what’s behind our inhibited greetings, our minimal greetings, our distant greetings, our ultimately ineffective greetings. Because an effective greeting is one in which the other person feels something.
I will get into that in a minute, but they feel something positive and it’s because of how you showed up and what you did. So the main thing that gets in the way of having confident greetings is that fear of rejection, fear of doing something that someone else is not going to approve of, and this might have become a pattern for so long that it just feels comfortable, it feels familiar, and doing something else like greeting more enthusiastically, or with more energy feels foreign and uncomfortable, and then you might say, “no, that’s just not me, I know who I.. I don’t do that sort of thing; i am not at all showy like that.” And I always like to challenge people in that situation because I’m like, “how do you know it’s not you? how do you know that the “you” that you think you are, how do you know that’s not a collection of things that you do ‘cause you’re comfortable, ‘cause you’re afraid of getting rejected?
The Components Of Confident Greetings
And that’s an interesting question. so we’re going to get, in a minute, we’re going to get into What Are The Components of A Confident Greeting, and i want you to just listen with an open ear and take it in, and even if the party is like “Oh, I can’t do that!” or “I wouldn’t want to do that.” that’s fine, just let that resistance be there, maybe it’s serving you in some way, but also see if you can find a deeper truth that you really want to be more free. And if you are totally free and no one’s going to reject you, how would you greet people?
And that’s what we’re going to explore, and we’re going to get into the nuts and bolts of what is a confident greeting and how to make the best impression that you can and also how to make incredible exits so people will remember you after you leave. So we’re going to jump into that, right after this.
So how do we create outstanding, confident greetings? The first component is “BE FIRST.” Be first, because what we do from our place of… Afraid of rejection, it’s well, “I don’t want to reach out to them, because they might not want to reach out to me, they might not like me, they might think my greeting is weird or I’m weird.” So we wait for them to come greet us, and then we’re like, “okay, now they’ve shown that they like me enough, that I’m willing to engage with them.
But that doesn’t work for a confident greeting, ‘cause if you want to know what is the essence of a confident greeting, if you could distill it down to one thing, it’s not all the particulars I’m going to get into about the eye contact, the this and that and be first, those are the mechanics of it. but if you want to just distill it down to its core element, like what is a confident greeting, it is a greeting that does one thing, it produces a certain result in the other person, it has an effect on the person that you’re greeting, and that effect, is it communicates two things, are you ready?
If you’re taking notes, this is a good thing to write down. you want to communicate, you want them to feel like you like them, that they are approved of, I know this might seem basic but it’s powerful, even people who don’t consider themselves anxious, or shy, or I have social fears, or have counts of confidence.
Even people who think they’re “fine and normal,” they —like all human beings on this planet— want to feel accepted and approved of for who they are. It’s a basic human need that starts pretty much at birth, as far as I can tell. And so they, also, are wondering, “does this person like me? Are they going to like me?” And when you can communicate, “Hey, I like you!” then people just relax, they are like, “huh! Okay, great! I can be myself!” And so, how do you communicate, “I like you?” That’s where we’re going to the nuts and bolts, but that’s the essence of what a good greeting is you communicate “I like you” to the other person.
And what’s the other thing that you want to communicate? you are significant. You matter. You’re important because if there’s one thing that we want besides being loved and approved of for who we are, is to feel special, or important to matter to someone. And so your greeting, you’re going to want to make sure that it communicates “hey, I like you, and you’re significant.” and if you’re greeting does that, then you have an extremely confident greeting. And the reason this is so important is because (a) the other person feels good, right? So then there you are, doing something, you’re interacting with them, they feel good. There you are, they feel good. Now what starts to happen after a little while? If they are feeling good and you are present and you’re talking to them, they start to associate that to you, they like you more. and so it’s amazing how when we can just give the approval, that we are all seeking to someone else, and then the significance that we all want underneath to someone else, just giving it freely when we greet them, it does wonders, they’re going to relax, they’re going to feel important, and they’re going to feel good about themselves and then they’re going to like you more.
And so, it’s a win-win, it’s an awesome thing. And so some of the ways to communicate that are “be first” as I was talking about earlier. Be first to greet them, right? Because if you, out of a fear of rejection, or wanting to be cool, are not paying much attention to them and then they have to come talk to you, and then they greet you, and you’re like, “hey, what’s up? Yea” you might be thinking you’re supposed to be cool.
And we’re going to get into that in a second, or you’re nervous and something like that and that’s where you’re coming from, but to them? What are they going to feel? “Oh, geez, maybe he doesn’t like me very much”, “maybe I am not that important to him”, and that is the opposite of a confident greeting ‘cause that doesn’t feel good to them, they’re not going to want to talk to you more if they don’t feel that you like them or that they are important to you.
So be first. Be the first to stick your hand out and shake it. Make eye contact with them. Smile. These are basic things, but be warm as you greet them and be bold to do it. Then you could do that bold handshake, you can do a tap on the shoulder or the arm, you can do the hug, if you’re just like, “hey” put your arms big and wide and say, ”hey, John, how’s it going?” just wrap them in a big hug. Doing stuff like that, and just doing it casually and boldly, and asserting it, people will respond incredibly well.
And the occasional person won’t like it but the vast majority of people love that warm greeting. And don’t hide your enthusiasm for people, I mean this is a shame that we learned along the way that we got to be cool and almost indifferent because underneath, no one wants to feel like someone’s indifferent to them, it feels like crap, doesn’t it? Like we want to feel like we’re special and someone likes us. I mean, think about this, I have a baby right now, I don’t know if you have any contact with kids in your life but how does a little, little kid greet someone like his uncle or his dad or someone he’s excited to see?
He goes crazy, he, is like, runs, if he is running he runs across the room and was like “eeehh, how’s it going? Yeah.” This is really excited. And if you’ve ever been in the receiving end of that, how does that feel? Well, if you haven’t experienced it yet, you will and it feels awesome, you’re like, “yeah! I’m kind of the coolest guy in the world.” And it feels great! I mean it’s amazing because my son does that now, and he’s 10 months old, and he, like gets really excited when he sees me and he cries when I leave. You better believe that makes me feel like a big man, and I’m like, “yeah, I am significant.” And that stuff is powerful, and just because we grow up and get older doesn’t mean we don’t want that stuff.
Now you can tone the enthusiasm down just a little bit, so you’re not greeting them like a two-year-old, but keep that same energy. “Hey how’s it going? It’s great to see you!” “Hey! How’re you doing? Nice to meet you!” right on an upbeat tone, that energy and you know you can let your enthusiasm show, I’ve met people after several minutes of talking to them, I’m like, “wow, you sound like a really fascinating person, I’m so interested, you strike me, you’re just awesome!
And I’ll say stuff like that and they’ll smile and they’ll laugh, and that expressiveness really impacts people, and they like it and who wouldn’t, right? So you want to bring more of that out, don’t tone down that enthusiasm, and try to be cool and laid back, and all that stuff is just trying to avoid rejection. And maybe you’ll learn somewhere in High School or something that if you were enthusiastic, people made fun of you, but that’s just bullshit now, that doesn’t happen as an adult, right? The more enthusiastic you are, the more you can let yourself out and greet people the way that you want to greet them, the more positive responses you’re going to get.
And here’s one caveat, because I was talking to a guy about this and he said, “You know I’m a hugger, I like to hug people but you know, not everyone’s going to like that.” And then, how am I going to I don’t want to be that guy, who’s just all up in people’s business and creeping them out. And I said, I have reasonable concern, but here’s the thing, you, like all of us, have something called sensory acuity or sensory awareness. That means you can use your senses — your sight, your hearing, your touch, your smell —to see the impact that you’re having on people. So, for example, if you are going in for a hug for someone, and you noticed, a woman for example, and you noticed that her eyes get really shifty as you’re going in, and then you hug her, and she’s like stiff as a board, or kind of tight in her body.
Then as soon as you notice that, use your sensory acuity —your touch, your sight —don’t give her a big five-minute bearhug, right? She’s indicating I’m uncomfortable right now. So you give her the briefest of hugs, like the little quick tap on the back kind of hug, and you’re out. So you use your sensory acuity to adept. Now of course, most people though, if you just casually lead the way, are going to love it —a warm handshake, a pat on the shoulder, a great tone in your voice and a hug —people love that stuff. As a matter of fact, I am going to share a brief story about this. Just a couple of weeks back, I met for the first time with a guy, who was pretty established public speaker here in the Pacific Northwest, United States.
His name is Lou Radja, awesome guy! Born in Africa, spent half his life there, now he’s living in United States for some twenty years, and he’s just a really inspiring guy. And he uses is motivation and inspiration to do his awesome talks and trainings for schools and organization and corporations. And we were introduced via email by a mutual friend, and he was enthusiastic in the email, like “Oh, I’m excited to meet you,” and so on and so forth. And then I got to his office, and he had a glass door, where I can see through the door and see him at his desk typing. And I knocked on the door, and he gives the come on in, like waves me in with his hands.
And as I walked through the door, he stands up from his desk, he walks around the desk and has this big smile on his face, and he grabs my hand, and he says, “Aziz, it’s so good to meet you!” and he pats the other side of my hand, and shakes my hand, and he’s like, “come here, sit over here at this table, you want some water? I got you some water! Come on, have a seat. It’s so great to see you, I’m so curious about this, this, and that.” And, it really struck me, I was like, That was the kind of the best greeting I ever got in my life, damn! How do you think I felt? You think I felt like he didn’t like me or that he liked me? That’s right! He liked me, do you think I felt like I was not important, or not significant, or very significant? Very significant! And how much do you think I like Lou? Well I thought Lou was the best damn guy in the world, and that’s because of the way that he greeted me.
So this stuff is powerful and he wasn’t afraid of “Well I’m going to be too enthusiastic.” He just put himself out there, because that is who he is in the world. And that’s who you are too underneath all those fears. so go out there and start giving those greetings, just warmly greet people. People will love it.
Confident Goodbyes and Exits
We’re going to take a quick break right now, and then we are going to get back into another very important thing, which is the EXIT, how you say goodbye in a confident way and leave a positive impression. So stay tuned for that, we’ll be right back after this.
Welcome back. So how we exit in a confident way? How do we leave? Well, just like we talked about greetings, we’re going to talk about the “not-confident” exit, and this is what I used to do for years. Now when I see clients when they tell me about it, I just smile because I know what’s happening in their minds and behind the scenes.
And here’s what I used to do, I used to just fade into the background, I just kind of leave, I just kind of eak out of the back as Paul Simon would say, “slip put the back, Jack.” I just leave. There’s a party, or gathering, a group I would just leave. No goodbyes or nothing. Maybe if I was talking to someone in the moment, I would say goodbye, but I wouldn’t go around and talk and say goodbye to people. I didn’t even do this with family members, like Thanksgiving or something, I would just leave. And here’s what’s underneath that communication. This is what you communicate to yourself and others when you do that, “I don’t matter.
My presence here doesn’t matter.” And nothing could be further from the truth, you matter, you impact people, especially when you show up and honor yourself around there, people notice you and people feel your absence when you’re gone. I remember it blew me away, for a while I was working with Lyn Henderson, who I interviewed a little back in her shyness clinic, and I remember people sometimes we did these group therapy session there, maybe eight people in a group, and sometimes, someone would just no-show to a group session.
And just wouldn’t be there that day, that was Tuesday, no one’s sitting in Tim’s chair, like “where’s Tim?” “I don’t know.” “Did Tim call?” “No.” And then you get there the next week, and then sure enough, Tim’s there, and people were like, “Hey, Tim, where were you?” and he’s like, “oh, you guys noticed that I wasn’t here?” I remember like looking at him, like, “Are you crazy, dude?” I can’t. But I realized he’s serious, like he really thought that little of himself, that he thought no one would care or notice that he was gone. So that nothing could be further from the truth. Everyone noticed, everyone was impacted by him not being there. And that’s the same for you, you matter, and you want to communicate that by acknowledging that when you exit. And so you want to say goodbye to people. Make it a point when you’re leaving to make the rounds as it were, just, quick goodbyes. You don’t have to give everyone a five-minute hug and tell them how you think they’re amazing.
Just a quick goodbye. Just walk by and say, “hey. I’m taking off, I’ll see you later, alright, goodbye.” You can just keep in motion; you don’t have to stop there if you really want to just get out. And even if two people are in a conversation, you might think like, “Oh, I don’t want to interrupt them, no, no…” No, no, that’s fine, interrupt them, I mean, if it’s really quick and you’re not inserting yourself for too long, you’re just on the way out and say, “Hey, I hate to interrupt, guys, but I’m on my way out, it was great to see you, great to meet you, and I’ll catch you guys later, take care.
And you walk out real quick. So you’re interrupting them just for a second though, and it’s so warm and friendly that people are just going to go back to their conversation, they might not even give it a second thought consciously, but unconsciously, they’re going to think, “wow, what a confident guy! That’s cool. I mean that was really nice and it impacts people. And if you think, “Oh, my God, I can’t just jump into a group like that.”
Well then you got to get the confidence code, which I’ve totally revamped, all the content is brand new, it’s coming out, and we go in depth into how to break in groups, how to join in group conversations, how to do this thing, and there’s a little subtle line that I teach in that program. There’s a little teaser here, you can break into any group by saying this one phrase, “I hate to interrupt.” Or “I don’t want to interrupt.” And then you’ve just interrupt them, right. So as you are walking by two people are talking, you say, “Hey, I don’t interrupt, but I’m on my way out. It’s great to meet you; it’s great to see you again. I’ll catch you guys later.” And you go out. Very, very powerful communication.
So in the last little bit of time here today, I want to share a brief story with you of the Power of Your Presence and How You Do Matter, and this is with a friend of mine, we were travelling, many years ago and we were in a beach town in Mexico, and we’re at this bar, where there’s a lot of people and drinking, and we were trying to meet women at that time and with mixed success, both of us could definitely continue to work on our social confidence at that time, and anyway though, he was talking to a woman, who was from France, very beautiful woman, thick French accent, and he was talking with her and I look over occasionally and he is still talking to her, and all of a sudden, I look over and they’re gone!
Now it turns out, I found this out later, that she invited him back to her room, which she’s staying in the same hotel where the bar was, and she invited him back to the room to do some shot of some particular fancy liquor that they’d been talking about. She happened to have a bottle in her room, so they go to the room, they both do a shot of this liquor, and then he is like, “Now is my chance.” “She invited me to her room, we’re drinking, and you know, I should go in for the kiss.” So he goes in to kiss her, and she pulls back, and she’s kind of like, “I don’t know exactly what she said, but basically NO. And he is just deflated, it’s like, “ugh, this is terrible.” And then, he enters back on the scene, he comes up to me I was like, “hey, man, how it is going?” “Ugh, it’s terrible; I got to go home, back to the room.” Like what?” it’s like eleven o’clock man, it’s still going? Are you going to leave? “Oh, yea, man, I’m done.” “Ah alright.” So there he goes, he walks off, and fifteen minutes later, there’s the French girl, going talking to some people, this French girl comes to talk to me, and says in her thick French accent, “where is your friend?” and I’m like, “Oh, he left” and then the look on her face, I wish you could see, it it was just like sad and pouty, it was like “eeeh..” this big sad, frowny face.
And, she’s like, “he left.” I said, “Yea, I guess he thought that you weren’t interested in him.” And she said, “no, after the shot, I was just so disoriented, I got dizzy, and I didn’t know what was happening.” And she was really sad; she came up like several times during the rest of the night and she’s like, “he’s not coming back?” I’m like, “no, no, I don’t think so.” And she’s like, “Oh.” I was like, “you guys can meet up tomorrow”, and she’s like, “no, our flight leaves at six am, tomorrow morning.” And I just said, “Oh, man. That’s a bummer.
I told him about it of course, he’s like, “why didn’t you tell me that, Aziz?” I’m like, “to help you learn, that don’t take rejections so hard, it doesn’t mean what you think it does.” And he’s like, “No, man. You shouldn’t have told me.” I was like, “wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all Lessons aside, why does it matter now? it’s the next day and you couldn’t nothing would be different now anyway.” And he’s like, “yea, man, but now I know I could’ve had an awesome experience, and I missed out.” We had fun debating about that for a while. But the takeaway here is he mattered, he mattered to her and him not saying goodbye to her lead to this experience where he really missed out and she missed out. And you matter to people, even if you think that you don’t. So make that exit, say that strong goodbye and continue to make that positive impression on people, and that leads us to our action step.
You probably can guess what your action step is for this episode, but I’m going to say it anyway, and that is to go do confident greetings and goodbyes. Greet people, let more of yourself out, hug people if you’re into that, shake hands, smile, be the first do all the things that you learn in this episode about confident greetings and confident goodbyes. And make them a part of your life do at least three of those things this week, if not more, and until we speak again.
May you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome.
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