Discover A Powerful Technique To Easily Let Go Of Fear
Do you get hung up on what other people will think? Do you worry that people judge you and even talk about you after you leave?
It’s time to let that go. Join Dr. Aziz as he interviews John Parkin, one of the world’s leading experts on letting things go, using a simple, playful, and powerful technique that can transform your life.
Click below to hear this episode!
Using F*uck It to Help Boost Your
Welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today you’re going to learn about an incredibly fun liberating technique from I think one of the best authors out there. One of the most humorous, intelligent, and just really perceptive guys out there that I’ve had the privilege of getting a chance to know and speak with and we have a great interview today that’s going to be diving in how to use his approach and it can be summed up in two words. And you might even have heard me say that I’ve learned so much from him I’ve incorporated into other episodes of the show but those two words are Fuck It. Fuck It. And there’s so much behind that in fact I don’t even want to talk about it too much because I want to let him describe it.
He’s John Parkin, author of one of the best-selling spiritual books out there called, Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way. Just a hilarious guy and so insightful.
And so, without further ado, let’s actually jump right into that interview with John and for this one I highly recommend you get out a sheet of paper or a journal and a pen or take some notes on your phone or whatever you can do because this stuff in here is incredibly valuable. And today we’re going to be focusing our interview in on how to use this technique to let go of needing people’s approval. In fact that’s what we dive into in the beginning of our interview because that need for wanting everyone to like us and please people and get everyone’s approval keeps u so stuck and just bleeds out our confidence and when we can say Fuck It and just get out there and do stuff, I mean doors open up, business opportunities open up, relationships open up, life opens up.
So, without further ado let’s jump into that interview with John now.
My guest expert today is John Parkin who is the author of the world renowned and bet-selling book, Fuck It, among many others, it’s Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way. You might have heard me mention it or reference it in this show or elsewhere. It’s a phenomenal book. It came out in 2008 in Europe and in 2009 in the United States and it has gone on the cell that combined with other books in the Fuck It Series hundreds of thousands of copies and in dozens of language I think 22 languages all over the world and it is a powerful book and his teachings are a spin on how to step into life, how to let go, hence the phrase, The Ultimate Spiritual Way. But in a lighthearted way that just strips it of any of the dogma or anything that might make it hard to apply. And he has gone on to lead many retreats with his wife and they do many of them in Europe, in Italy, and now they have Fuck It Retreats all over the world. So, I’m incredibly excited to have you on the show with us and to dive deep into how to say Fuck It to all the things that might challenge our confidence.
So thanks so much for joining me on the show.
John: Aziz, it’s lovely to be here. Thank you for having me. What a lovely introduction.
Dr. Aziz: Fantastic. I just scratched the surface of that one. So the first thing I’d love to start with is for someone who’s listening who never even heard that I would say I might be shocked but I curse all the time so probably not if they’ve listened to me before but for someone who’s new to this, what do you mean by Fuck It? Like what is the general idea of that?
John: Excuse me. I mean we kind of realized about 10 years ago that the Fuck It what people mean when they say Fuck It is a kind of this thing about I’m bolted about or worrying about is not so important, oh fuck it. It doesn’t matter so much. So that was our, not to make what we mean, but what our sense of what people are meaning when they actually said it. And it’s great to come *0:04:24 have done this for about 10 years because then you notice fuck it in whenever it’s mentioned in a film or a book or very rarely on the radio it’s usually on films and it’s always the same meaning which is, you know, I’ve had enough, I’m not willing to take the pain of this stupid situation. Fuck it. I’m off.
Dr. Aziz: And then when someone says fuck it what happens? Have you seen or do you…
John: Well, I think that the problem for most of us is that we take things too seriously the kind of source of many of our problems that we take things too seriously and we’re too heavy around things. We place too importance on things that, you know, when we look back on it a year later a few years later we’ve realized important and if we see our kind of position in this universe with any perspective we’ll that it’s not so important what we’re worrying about. So if we get perspective and fuck it helps us to we say fuck it it will help us relax, help us see that it’s not such a big thing which gets right to the, it gets to the heart of things for me really. Because I write this so I teach this and I wrote that stuff from a perception of my difficulty with the world, really which is the I take things to seriously even though my natural state when I’m relaxed is to kind of joke around. But I will take things seriously and regard things as too heavy and worry about things.
I come from generations of worriers so that’s where I come from.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. That can be transmitted down and, you know, why aren’t you worrying? This is something serious. We have to… I love that and i think what a great thing to explore is how serious we can take things and get about things and then there’s stress and worry which might seem essentially but actually really can degrade our performance and our ability to think clearly and come up with solutions. And I think there are so many different that I’ve come across with my life working on confidence and in clients’ lives that I love to explore some of your thoughts on them.
The first one that comes to mind is I think when we’re feeling nervous around people or not able to take on a venture that we want, grow a business, whatever it is if we’re afraid there’s often a big fear of what they are going to think of me. And sometimes it’s someone specific like my dad, my mom, that woman over there, and sometimes it’s just this vague collective they what they think of me and I’d love to jump into that like how can we use this idea of just saying fuck it to that area of what people think of us?
John: Well it’s a critical area, isn’t it? This Aziz is what your teaching and what your interest is but I can tell you from having run retreats for 10 years and what we advise to people and live events, etc. one of the most common things that people come and say when we say, you now, what’s the issue, what’s the thing, what do you need to say fuck it to that very high up the list if not top of the list for a lot of people is I need to say fuck it to what other people think of me. So it’s a critical thing. I think, and it’s a basic, when I actually my sense is that we’ve got two conflicting things in our lives most of us. One is that we want to be free. Always when I start talking about this it sounds like a song. It’s like you want to be free, you want to do what you want to do. I think it’s a primal scream song actually. You want to do what you want to do, you want to be free to make decisions about your own life, you want to express yourself, you know, all the feelings of freedom that you see in the best films, the best politics, the best art, the best literature is about freedom. It’s about finding our authentic self and expressing that in the world about doing the job is about, you know. Going out, meeting the right people, to help us to do stuff. I mean, that’s freedom and most of us want to be free. It’s an essential kind of instinctive desire for most of us and I want to be free.
But on the other side of the bloody fence is the desire to be approved of. All of us want to be approved of. In fact I get the feeling it’s a kind of evolutionary thing. I think it’s probably an evolutionary necessity. You know the kind of all the ideas of the mirror neurons that even body language, we basically in social situations we mirror each other in order to bond with each other and clearly bonding with each other and being in a group is important to surviving as a group. It’s much easier to survive as a group is to survive individually. So I think we have systems in us built into us that’s a design to kind of get, okay are you approving of me? Are you happy to be my friend so that we can kind of work together rand to survive as human beings.
So I think it’s there so deep within us this desire to be approved of which is kind of cool if we use that and we just like, you know, we could socially whatever is. But it seems to be like it disables most of this because we get completely caught up in the inability to be free and to express ourselves and to be liked and to be relaxed because of this awful fear. Because we can’t please all the people. I mean, most of us do have this fear that, oh God if I do that what would they think. And you’re right it’s a generalized fear.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. That’s so fascinating. I think you’re absolutely right. I love that the kind of the two poles in us, you know, to be free, to be liberated, and at the same time to be approved of or loved and loved.
We’re going to pause for this one moment and then get right back into our interview with John.
Dr. Aziz: And I think the pole for most people is much stronger towards the second one like they want both but they prioritize approval.
John: Well they do and I think it’s because we’re conditioned isn’t it as well but that’s how we are taught. You know, we are conditioned children to obey and to listen to everybody else and to be polite and to show deference and respect and then we will also pick up our parents, fear of doing the wrong thing.
So, out there within society and even though it’s natural it’s going to *0:12:44 as well.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, yeah. Maybe there is like that kind of natural, all the things you described. It’s essential for survival as a social animal and then there’s this kind of maybe layer on top and it could be a very thick layer depending upon your life and upbringing but yeah of just this, that’s not okay, I’m bad, I’m ashamed, parents you know all that stuff that can really cripple us from doing it and my mind just went like 17 different directions there so…
John: some really good areas here because my mind is going 17 different directions exactly the same number.
Dr. Aziz: if you multiply those together I can’t even do that quickly, 170… I hope everyone’s ready for a 16-hour interview.
John: You do . You know the one direction my mind is going is that we somehow have to try and square the circle or whatever. *0:13:53 possibly conflicting sides of this and as you say we wait more towards the I need approval. How the heck can we express our own selves and our sense of freedom and be okay with the some need of approval or how do we work socially, that’s the question, isn’t it? And I bet this is your area, Aziz, but my sense of how to square that circle or to get oval in the Ven diagram is that if we do really start to work on listening to ourselves. You know the process for me is, you know, we’d spent our lives listening to everybody else so start get moving by listening to yourself again and listening to what I want and what I’m about and what I want to say in a situation and then start to take that more true self out into the world but to take it out there you have to somehow disengage this fear thing of like, oh my God what are they going to say, what are they going to think, and we do that with, you know, fuck it really. Fuck it to what others think of me. Fuck it, you know, to the make an idiot of myself here.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. So let’s dive into that. Because that’s so helpful. We have to overcome that fear, you know, at least significantly or maybe 10% of it or at least a chunk of it so we can start living more freely and be more alive.
So, how could I do that? Let’s say there’s something I want to do I’m nervous about a presentation because what are they going to think of me. I’m not wanting to go out and talk to potential customers or someone that I’m interested because what are they going to think of me? Whatever the scenario how could I, what exactly do you mean? So I just say fuck it in my? Like coach me how to use that to really relax.
John: What if we go back to well there’s a few things there including relaxation. But if we go back to what fuck it the reason fuck it seems to work is that it takes the over meaning after situation, the over important part of the situation. So I think any strategy around anything where you want to go out there and do it but you scared at what your faith might be if you make a mistake. I like to remember some real full times in my life well I’ve been on the stage I’ve been on a big meeting and something awful has happened and it didn’t stop e actually going and doing it again. I realized that it’s not the end of the world. These things aren’t the end of the world. So my process around that stuff and I’m pretty good now. I’ve trained myself into doing the stuff that scares me and that the way I do it just kind of go, well, you know, who cares. If that doesn’t work I’m going to run out of the railroad.
You know, it doesn’t matter. It’s basically it doesn’t matter Fuck it, it doesn’t matter in the end situation. Yeah. It’s usually not. I mean there are certain situations that are life and death but it’s usually not life or death and it really, for me that really works. That works because usually my stress around, you know, what it’s going to be like I got *0:17:16 I didn’t go in the end but I got invited to Downing Street, you know, where the British prime Minister lives. No it was actually it was number 11. It was next door to Downing Street it’s where the chancellor of the *0:17:31. And there was the kind of launch party for something for a book and so to go to a party where there can be seriously important influential people made me kind of go, oh that’s interesting. That’s be cool, wouldn’t it? My God, Oh my God, what would I say to whoever is? What would I wear? *0:17:55 what the hell *. I’m naturally a very scruffy person, yeah. So what the hell do I wear to something like that? So when faced with that which in the no extreme end of my social situation kind of fear thing, I went, well fuck it, you know. It’s an adventure that is. I’ll just go in and I’ll crack some jokes and I’ll see how it is.
So that’s how I work. My strategy is to kind of downplay the importance of it and it works. It works for me and I think it can work for the people. The risk of it is that I downplay it too much. I mean I read an article about there’s an English journalist who went to the Oscar Ceremony 2 days ago and she was saying that, you know, she was pretty going ahead about what the Oscars are like if there’s a kind of a play it’s like a game and everybody’s in it. And it looks a bit ridiculous when you’re looking at it but you kind of have to be in it and she went, everybody was wearing very big dresses and almost kind of ball gown like things and she was there in a quite short skirt showing her knees. And she says, you know, people must have thought I was taking the piss because this is not what you do for that. So that could become of overplaying the thing of I’m going to the Oscars it doesn’t matter so much, does it it’s like. Now maybe you should do a bit of research about what you should be wearing, etc., etc.
So yeah, with those kinds that kind of diving in I go I basically go through a process myself. First of all, fuck it. It doesn’t matter so much what if something goes wrong. If you want in a moment I’ll tell you a very, very embarrassing story but I’ve now talked too much so I’m going to shut up for a second and let you talk, Aziz.
Dr. Aziz: We’re going to pause for one brief moment now and then jump back in to our interview with John Parkin. Stay tuned.
Dr. Aziz: I can’t wait to hear that story. In fact that actually where my mind was going was around embarrassment and the one thing you said in there, I mean there are so many good things and people listening are taking notes about how to apply this, but it almost seems like there’s 2 parts to the process. There’s the internal fuck it and then something. Whatever that means to you like it doesn’t matter, you know. My version of that would be, fuck it, and then I’m going to die anyway or sort of the thing that would tell myself because I think it’s this, you know, oh it’s so terrible, you know. And there are some parts of us that maybe unconsciously jumps to, and then I’m going to die. And so fuck it I’m going to die anyway. Do I want to try to safely as possible to my death or do I want to have some adventure? So I love that. But in the other part that you mentioned is it just a pattern of doing it? Because if we say, fuck it, and then flee, that could be part of fuck it, too, right? That’s what really helped me in your book because I really oriented myself many years ago to do what scares you and that profoundly changed my life.
But then it became this kind of dogma in me of like, I’m scared, I got to go do it, I got to go do it. There’s a woman over there I’m scared, I got to go talk to her. And it’s like, I’m tired I don’t really want to try to meet her. But it was like, oh you’re just scared you go to, you know. And so I would like get into this very uncomfortable, you know, kind of self-criticism around it and then I came across your book and I was like, ooh, fuck it, I don’t feel like it. So that could be valuable too but at some point we have to take those actions and I really want to highlight that but then the embarrassment thing is fascinating.
So I have some stuff I love to talk to you about that but let’s start with your embarrassing story because I’m intrigued.
John: It contains every aspect of what you’re perceptively talking about actually the getting on and doing it and fleeing as well. Can I say one thing before I talk this embarrassing story? And this is also actually a story telling technique, isn’t it? To delay the
Dr. Aziz: That’s right. Open loop, man. You just
John: Ahh, that’s Andre’s chaperone, isn’t it? So I use the story telling gene that I’ve read about. Yeah, there’s one thing goes on. When you say, fuck it earlier today you automatically relax. That’s the idea the kind of over the putting too much meaning on things, too much importance on things, the kind of stressing out about things which as you also said earlier we kind of think it’s necessary for getting on in success and etc. That’s what we taught ourselves. But if you can kind of dissipate that by saying it doesn’t matter so much and you say fuck it and you relax, now that relaxation if you didn’t go into any situation in a more relaxed state it may not be that you’re in a completely relaxed state I wouldn’t have been completely relaxed walking to the door of Number 11 Downing Street. But let’s say you’re in a more relaxed state changes everything. It changes the way your brain is working and it changes your physiology. And it changes your physiology in a way that everything about you is more relaxed. You’re probably slower, you’re breathing more slowly, or your heart rate is probably lower and everybody whether unconsciously usually consciously will pick up on that. So your effect socially will be different as a relaxed person to how it would be as a stressed person.
So that’s actually a chemical bodily physiological thing going on when you relax, when you say fuck it.
Dr. Aziz: And to jump in just to open a whole another loop to keep everyone ready is what effect that has on the results that you get and how you interact with people and energetically what’s happening combined to what you drawn to your life is something that I want to talk to you about in a moment. But go ahead with your story.
John: Please do. That’s a good loop isn’t it because it’s an energetic thing. Everything changes when you’re relaxed and I’ll say this *0:24:32 your brain, your brain changes when you’re relaxed and whatever happens and people say different things about, you know, right and left hemisphere or different frequencies, different parts of the brain, but basically when you’re relaxed your thoughts change. It moves to different parts of your brain and you think in a very different way. I mean, the most obvious analogy really is the difference between me slightly tense and sober and me more relaxed having had a pint of beer or a glass of wine that has an effect on me both psychologically and physiologically and with the glass of wine or just me being relaxed I tend to be slower, lighter, it sounds like a beer advert now doesn’t it?
We’ve made this beer in a slower, lighter, *0:25:24 alcohol and I’m all to get a more refined way. I’m kind of funnier when I’m relaxed and ‘m actually stupid when I’m relaxed to till you know my humor can be a lot more surreal and to the point when I say some really stupid things and that’s an interesting thing as well. Because I make more mistakes socially. I have more successes and make more mistakes socially when I’m relaxed because I will say some really stupid things.
Dr. Aziz: Absolutely but the beauty of it is when you don’t care, when you’ve let go to the point where you can just say those things it’s this beautiful loop of interconnectivity where it doesn’t really matter to you inside as much and therefore it almost just doesn’t matter to other people. And if there’s the occasional person who does, it doesn’t bother you. And so it’s this really beautiful situation and I have found though that the more relaxed I am in myself the more I just totally accepting of myself the more I can get away with crazy shit. And I used to be really sort of reserved around new people especially if it was in a business situation or maybe they were an authority or other things and I found that the more I just fuck it and just jumped in kind of familiar friendly humorous tone absurd humor you can get away with anything in any situation. I used to be very serious when I work with clients because I was originally trained in psychotherapy and that’s a very serious venture and then I moved into coaching and I brought the same sort of like, okay, you know we chat for a minute or two about if they want to do some small talks sometimes that help them feel more comfortable and then it was like, okay, now let’s get down to work.
And I realized that actually I’ve got, you know, way more better results with people they enjoy it more and I enjoy it more when, I mean we’ll be laughing multiple times in the session and you can get away with anything and I think that’s powerful to see.
John: It’s true. You can when you can. I don’t know about anything.
Dr. Aziz: That’s an extreme statement I don’t want to take that too far. Test it out and see what you get away with for yourself. Try this at home.
John: But it’s beautiful to experience that as you have, isn’t it? IT’s a beautiful thing to experience.
Dr. Aziz: That is all the time we have for the interview today and there’s so much good stuff coming up. We’re actually going to be splitting into the next episode so you’ll get to hear the remainder of the interview that I did with John Parkin there in next week’s episode. We’re going to be diving in on how to use this fuck it technique to just blast through fear, to be able to go do stuff that scares you and kind of relax along the way, not have it hold us back so much and there’s a hilarious and phenomenal story that John tells about it as well so you want to definitely stay tuned for that.
But before we end today, we got to end with what we always end with which is your action step.
Your action step today is to simply say fuck it to needing someone’s approval. So when you’re in a situation you’re about to go enter into a situation that normally makes you nervous maybe it’s a meeting for example, right before walk in as you’re walking in the hall or maybe even, you know, go to the bathroom before the meeting for just a moment take a deep breath in kind of raise your shoulders up. I mean do it with me right now actually. Take a deep breath in kind of raising your shoulders up towards your ears and then drop them down and let all the air out and just say, fuck it. So let’s do that together one more time. Raising your shoulders up a little bit as you breathe in, fuck it. And then just roll into the meeting or walk over and talk to that person or go approach that beautiful woman. Just fuck it. I don’t need their approval. And just see what happens. See how that changes your attitude, your energy, and your confidence level and ultimately the responses that you get from people because when people feel that you don’t care as much and you’re not so attached to getting them to like you all of a sudden doors open up and they start to like you more. That’s one of the beautiful paradoxes in life.
So thank you so much for joining me today in this episode. I look forward to speaking with you in next week’s where we get to the end of the interview with John Parkin so stay tuned for that and until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.
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