Are you afraid of messing something up? Whether it’s approaching that attractive woman and starting a conversation, maybe you’re worried of messing it up when you do that? Messing it up on the first date?
Maybe it’s speaking up or speaking in front of a group of people? Maybe even just telling a story or a joke around other people and you’re afraid of messing it up doing it wrong, making a fool of yourself. If that fear is happening for you and it’s holding you back stay tuned for today’s episode because I’m going to share some powerful ways for you to be free of that and to feel way more free to just mess up and not have it be that big of a deal.
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Hey, welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today we’re going to be talking about messing up. Yes, making a mess, making a fool of yourself, just smashing the egg and getting it everywhere and how you can become a lot more relaxed about that, a lot more comfortable with that? And I’m going to share some great stories from my own life about how I was not that comfortable with that and what that was like and then also maybe some more recent stories of where I noticed that, cropping up again.
So if you want to go deeper in the show go to facebook.com/socialconfidence, facebook.com/socialconfidence, you can like the page there and get updates about new episodes and other things. Also go to; shrinkfortheshyguy.com, shrinkfortheshyguy.com, there you can get yourself my free e-book, “Five Steps to Unleash Your Inner confidence” super powerful stuff there including a video training series that I’ll send you so I’m here to help you in any way that I can to maximize your confidence and that e-book is a powerful way to get started and it’s for free. Oh yes, so do what you will with it … hopefully you will unleash your confidence and then lookout.
So today, let’s talk about a fear of messing up. Is this something … now, for some people you might not notice it as that right away that might be what’s underneath. At the top level what you might just be aware of, you can kind of think of our awareness as like a picture of an iceberg where there’s the tip of the iceberg that’s above the water and that’s like what we’re aware of at first. But then the huge body, the large majority of the iceberg is underwater that’s like what remind me not quite aware of yet. So you might be aware of just feeling nervous about say, talking to an attractive woman or approaching someone that you think is powerful or has connections or is in a position of authority or maybe just a stranger or a group of people speaking up doing some sort of public presentation. You might just feel scared, might feel nervous, might feel tense, might worry about it but if you slow down and really start to look at it, what you might find is that the fear … like in fact, think about what’s one of those things that I mentioned that you’re nervous about, tend to avoid or uncomfortable doing? Just pick one and if it’s not something that I listed then maybe it’s something else. But find something in your life that you tend to be a little like … oh, you’re a little anxious to do. Maybe you get yourself to do it but you cannot … it has to … you have to sort of white-knuckle through it.
Another question I have for you is well, what are… what is the fear? What are you afraid of? And maybe then it’s obvious what I’m afraid of messing up? Maybe it’s still not obvious, maybe it’s like well, I’m afraid they’re not going to like me. I’m going to be afraid they’re going to reject me. Well, why would they not like you? Why would they reject you? Well, because in some way, either I messed up or I’m not good enough. Those are our usually are main things, right? So somewhere in there is this fear of messing it up. Now sometimes it shows up as like we really want to do it perfectly. Have you ever noticed that? It’s like what is the exact thing that I need to say? Or you have a presentation and you rehearse it like 4,000 times. You over rehearse it. You’re rehearsing it so many times but you can’t stop because you’re scared and you’re worried about … that’s right, messing it up.
So sometimes over preparing is messing it up. Over studying, worrying and thinking about what’s the perfect thing to say? That’s all fear of messing up. Fear of messing it up, messing the situation up and then fear of the response we’re going to get from other people and then fear of what it means about us? Well, if I’ve messed it up then, to use more crude language which you’ll be shocked to hear me use, right? The fear of … “Well, I’m going to fuck it up” means, I’m a fuck up and that’s what we’re really scared of. In fact that’s what held me back massively in my life particularly in my dating life. I had a terrible fear of messing it up. In fact, we’re going to take a quick break right now and then I’m going to share with you a great story about messing it up in my dating life. Also where I’m noticing it cropping up in my life most recently and then what I’m super excited about … I just want to talk about how little that go; how to mess up like crazy, possibly even enjoy it and how to really be a lot more free.
And here’s the funny thing about the fear of messing it up … it’s this fear that underneath that fear is scarcity. There’s a sense that if I mess this up then it’s over. That I messed … that’s my shot, that was my one chance and that’s how I really thought of it with women because in my experience for many years it was … very few and far between that opportunities with women, not because there weren’t women around but because I severely limited myself by not taking any action. That’s super important and worth repeating and worth may be in writing down. When we’re feeling scarcity about something; women, friendships, business opportunities, money, time … I’m really feeling scarce because there’s not enough or something. I don’t want to mess it up because there’s not much. I can’t … I don’t know … I don’t know what the next one is coming. I don’t want to mess it up. That is not an accurate reflection that there’s scarcity. What it is, is a sign that you’re not in a position of ownership in your life where you’re saying, “I create opportunity in my life, I create chances to talk to people, I can continue to do that, I can continue to create business opportunities…opportunities to make money, opportunities to meet women. I can constantly do that.
There’s an endless amount because I can create that.” That’s what when you’re … when you have that mindset, you’re not in scarcity. But I lived in scarcity; I didn’t know anything about that and so some of the first teachings I got about how to go out and do it … I noticed before I go talk to women, I get … especially nervous about, why I don’t want to try something different because what if I mess it up? These guys are suggesting I was learning some pick up artist stuff at that time as when I was first starting out on my journey of confidence and they were suggesting things like being way more, bold than I’ve ever been. I remember one guy was suggesting … this was that David DeAngelo, was suggesting say to her, “Well, if nothing … if nothing else, we can just be friends.” And that was his way of kind of like flipping the selector … so it’s not like you’re selecting me if we’re going to friends or not, I’m selecting you and there’s all kinds of head games and stuff that I learned from those guys. A lot of which I don’t actually teach guys to do now to teach them how to be just way more confident in themselves so that all that stuff naturally happens.
And speaking of that, by the way, if you want to learn all that stuff, check out my program “30 Days to Dating Mastery; 30daystodatingmastery.com and I got some emails about this recently, it’s a little ways out but October 14th thru 16th, 2016, is the unlimited dating confidence boot camp. I am super excited about that one. That’s where we’re going to take a small group of guys and really dive deep into creating unlimited confidence in your dating life to be able to approach women anywhere, do all the stuff. So I digress but I was worried about being more bold trying new things because I don’t want to mess it up. Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever held yourself back from trying something new with a woman or another setting because you’re afraid of messing it up?
Here’s the thing and I got it … thank, David DeAngelo for this as well, he said, “You have interactions to burn.” That really stuck with me, “You have interactions to burn” and I really started to adopt that. It’s like you know what … there’s an endless stream of opportunities for me to practice. And here’s the thing though … you might say, “We’ll no, Aziz, there’s not. I work in an office, there’s six women in that office … if I try something bold or outrageous or whatever then that’s going to get around and then I’m not going to have any other opportunities, let’s just say, you want to dig one of those women or let’s say you go to a particular workout class and there’s five women on that work out class, and like, oh I can’t try anything bold there because those were the only five women and here’s the thing; remember what I said about scarcity? That’s coming from a limited pool of options because of a lack of bold action. A lack of being a creator in your life and here’s how you become a creator in your dating life, in every area but specially your dating life.
Expand your horizon. Everywhere you see women is an opportunity to meet women. Know what that one’s thinking for a second … everywhere you see women is an opportunity to meet women. Where do you see them? At the store, at a coffee shop, on the sidewalk, in the elevator, on the rooftop, in the subway, on the bus, pulled up next to you at a stop light … I mean come on … everywhere, right? Every single one of those is an opportunity. I mean, start to see it that way, scarcity disappears and guess what else disappear? That’s right, your fear of messing up. Because really think about that … let’s say you knew that there was going to be another opportunity later that week and then on the weekend … let’s say, there’s one particular woman that you want to talk to and you’re going to talk to her on a Monday and let’s say you knew that no matter how that went you’re going to have another opportunity to talk to another women on Wednesday and another woman on Friday and two women on Saturday and a woman on Sunday and on and on and on. Would you really be so worried about messing up the Monday one? Probably not, right? In fact, would you be willing to just try some stuff out in the Monday conversation? Because hey, maybe it could work well maybe not, but that’s okay, I can try something else different on Wednesday.
So you can have an abundance of opportunities and when you really see that, that you have abundance of opportunities then your fear of messing up can start to dissolve. So this is fascinating. The dating stuff was something I dealt with a lot and then I gained a lot more ownership, a lot of abundance and now I’m married so I’m not really looking at my dating life in that same way but I noticed the same thing happening recently. So over the years I’ve grown my reach and impact and being able to find more people to help and serve and one way I do that is through emailing people all kinds of stuff. Mostly a lot of free trainings and e-books and all these other things and sometimes though I email people opportunities to come say, do a live weekend with me or get one of my life changing programs and I noticed that when I was sending those emails I felt very like … ah, even there’s interacting with my email list in general, I noticed more social anxiety coming up. “Oh, am I sending too many emails or they … will the people upset with me? Are people going to want to unsubscribe, or people not want this product and they’re upset with me or they’re not interested in my weekends or like, “Shut up and just give me free stuff.”
All these fears about how people are going to respond and then from that, I realized the hesitation. “I don’t know if I want to message as much” and guess what, a fear of messing it up. “Oh no, if I send too many then I’ve ruined everything. Now here’s a thing, anytime your mind is saying, ” Oh no, I’ve ruined everything or I could ruin everything, hopefully an alarm bell goes off in your mind that says, “Scarcity, scarcity, not real, not real … because anyone who take a step back and say, ” Okay, I’m not in an ownership position right now. I’ve forgotten that I’m the creator of my life and so I had to remind myself of that same thing, I said, “You know what, there are endless opportunities. Some people might get upset and leave, that’s okay. Thousands of more people are going to come because you’re providing an amazing service. You’re helping a lot of people; you’re providing tons of valuable stuff for free so of course lots of people are going to show up. So just have at it … send too many emails, promote the wrong thing at the wrong time, just because here’s the thing and this is the biggest secret. In fact you know what? I’m going to show you the biggest secret with you in just a moment after we take this next break then I’m going to share the biggest secret about, how to let go of your fear of messing up and why messing up is actually your pathway to unlimited confidence and success?
So let’s take the dating example; if let’s say you want to be able to meet women and talk to them, connect with them, and then go on a date. Get a number or an email or Facebook or whatever, whatever, you crazy kids are exchanging these days and then go hang out with her. If you wanted to be able to do that and maybe right now you’re not very good at that, maybe you’re not that great at starting a conversation with a woman … that’s why you need to get 30-days to Dating Mastery, or maybe you’re not that good at starting a conversation with a woman or you can talk to women but then you’re afraid to ask them out or you asked them out but then they never seemed to respond to your … you asked for their number whatever but they never seemed to follow up to your text or responses, and you kind of get the run-around, I mean, who knows? Maybe somewhere it’s breaking down and you are not having the dating success that you want so then you realize that maybe I need to try something different. I need to do something different and the only … the way to get really good at connecting with women and getting dates and finding out to be able to create an amazing relationship that you want with a girlfriend or a partner or wife whatever it is you want, the way to get there … well, let me ask you this, let’s say, you talk to one woman a month and you were sure not to mess up, how long before you had an amazing relationship with your new girlfriend, talking to one woman a month and you’re very cautious about messing up, how long?
I don’t know this is not an exact science, I don’t have the actual number but I don’t know … a year? Maybe 12 women over … I don’t know how many of those you get dates with if you’re especially worried about getting messing up but maybe a year, maybe longer I don’t know. Okay, now what if you talk to three women a week? So going from one a month to three a week … that is 12 conversations a month with women even if you’re still afraid of messing up and doing exactly what you we’re doing before, that was sort of working or not working that well, you still be getting a lot better. And then … and here’s the power of messing up, let’s say, you said I’m going to have three conversations with three different women each week and I’m going to do all kinds of different stuff and mess up a lot.
So I’m going to try being more outspoken. I’m going to try making more jokes. I’m going to try teasing her. I’m going to try making different kinds of eye contact. I’m going to try doing different stuff with my body language. I’m going to try maybe not being so worried about offending her. I’m going to … well, just keep trying all kinds of stuff and you did that three times a week every week. How quickly would you get good at talking to women and getting date? It could be a matter of weeks, couple of month’s tops, right? And so that’s the power of messing up and I saw that in my own life and my own experience when it came to dating a relationships and as soon as I noticed that fear that was at the beginning of 20 … I really noticed it at the beginning of … towards the end of 2014. So then I said okay, 2015 guess what I’m going to do? Interact with everyone on my email list as shit ton. So I started sending out a lot more messages and a lot more things all kinds of stuff I don’t know maybe some people were upset and I don’t know everything seems to be going great as well, right?
So I started getting better and better and learning more. I’m still and it’s at this point as of 2016 I’m still messing up all the time. I’m still … I don’t know what I’m doing? I mean I don’t know how you know exactly … everyone exactly what you’re doing because there’s so many different people right? But I know that I’m going to keep interacting, keep putting things forward, keep trying, keep doing things, keep learning keep messing up, because I’m in the camp of well, instead of talking to a woman three times a week, what if you talk to one woman a day? I mean, it’s fascinating if you think about how you can accelerate this stuff by just taking more action and messing up more. I mean and little kids learn it, know this implicitly. Anything, if you watch how a kid learns language … I have a two and a half-year-old son right now and our little guy is about almost five to six months, somewhere in there, about five and a half months and they’re both still messing up a lot with language. The older guy, Sayem, he’ll mess up with tense, verb tense. I’ll say like, it broke, and he’ll say, “Oh, you mean, did it break?” Right, so he’s … but he says it all the time, he’s just making mistakes. Our young guy, little Manny, he’ll just like … his version of talking is ah … right? And that sound coming out of his mouth. He’s quote messing up whenever worry, eventually going to say but he does it all the time. He’s vocalizing all the time.
So you kind of think of it this way, like you have this huge range of options. Hold your hands up right now, look at your … and wiggle your fingers, look at your fingers and wiggle your fingers and you see there’s 10 fingers right there, right? Those are 10 different ways that you could do something. You could talk to a woman that you could try this project, that you can take the risk; that you could just do something in a different way. Now some of those ways are not going to get the result that you want and some of them are. So here’s what you want to do. Do one, then two, then three, then four, then five, then six, then seven, then eight, then nine and then ten. You want to experiment, you want to try them out, you want to learn, you want to do it as fast as possible and learn as you’re going to not just doing number six… number six… number six… number six…
This approach is bound to work sometime. Noticed the feedback you’re getting and then take new action, take new action, keep messing up because here is a thing, if you add all those ten fingers, right? Ten different approaches, four of them are going to be totally messing up, not going to get you what you want. One of them is going to be a big mess up, two of them are going to be like, me … okay something happened and three are going to be fucking home runs. Three are going to be your big score, your big opportunity, your big interview, your big upgrade, your new business, your bigger sales, your breakthrough experience, your breakthrough moment. Three of those are going to be the amazing conversation that leads to an amazing date that leads to an amazing relationship that leads to the love of your life. Right there, one of those 10 and the only way to find out … and you’re not going to know which one ahead of time. That’s an illusion, let that go, you’re not going to know which one ahead of time, you just got to do it. You got to stumble your way through it and you can learn, you can model, you can get specific guidance, from other people who have done it before but at the end of the day you’re going to mess up yourself. That’s how you’re going to learn. That’s how you’re going to grow. That’s how you’re going to do it. Let’s talk about how you’re going to do it right now with today’s action step?
Your actions step for today is to mess up. Find an opportunity this week to mess up. Now here’s how you’re going to do that? In order to mess up you have to take action and you might have to take action multiple times because the first time you try something you might not mess up. Maybe it goes all accordingly to plan in which case you failed, you have to do another one. You got to mess up and I don’t want to mess up this for you. Maybe if you say something and someone gives you a strange look because they don’t get it or you make a joke and no one laughs, that could be your mess up. Maybe it’s trying something in your business or in your company and it’s not going well. Maybe it’s approaching someone you find attractive and starting a conversation and asking them out and them saying, “Ah, no” right, maybe that’s mess up. Whatever it is for you know and you’ll know when you do it and it might not feel … it might be like, oh, I feel bad. Just remember go back and listen to this episode if you need to but you want to really start to instill in your mind that, “Yes to messing up; the more I mess up the better how fast can I do it. That’s your actions step for today. Thank you so much for joining me. If you’re enjoying the show, if you’re getting a kick out of it, if it’s benefiting you in your life, please go to iTunes and give it a five-star rating and also go to; shrink for the shy guy, to go deeper and get yourself a copy of that e-book, “Five Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confidence” Thank you for joining me today. You are awesome. Until we speak again, you have the courage to be who you are.
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