Confidently Speak With Anyone, No Matter How Attractive Or Powerful They Are
Do you get nervous or intimidated by people you think are beautiful, powerful, or successful?
When we feel insecure around these people, we then stop being ourselves, and instead try to get their favor and approval (which completely backfires).
Click below to hear this episode!
Learn How Not to Be Intimated
Hey, welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today is going to be super fascinating. I am willing to bet good money that you’re going to learn some stuff about yourself that you may never have seen before in your life. You’re going to discover some of the ways that you connect with people and relate to people that is really going to surprise you but also serve you; help you see what you’re doing and help you shift it. And the result of all of this is going to be a huge increase in your sense of social power and that’s your ability to show up fully, powerfully, confidently at any social situation and know you’re just as powerful as anybody else. Not being intimidated by people, not be scared of people’s judgments, not be worried about if they’re going to like you or not. You’re just powerful, you’re socially powerful and the result of that is not only feeling better, but people respond to that, people feel that. People are drawn to you; people treat you with more respect. They’re more interested in you. It’s pretty amazing. And that’s the goal of this episode and it’s going to be all about how to talk to high status people. And that might be a term, “high status.” It might be a term that you’re familiar with and it might not be. And so I’m going to share what that means and how to understand it and then notice some things about yourself with it, and then how to become more comfortable interacting and talking to anyone.
So if you would like to jump into the show and ask me any questions, just go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com, I don’t know and go there and send me a message through the website or you can actually record an audio too and I can hear. It’s like leaving me a little voicemail, that’s pretty cool. It’s a great way to connect. You can also ask me your questions and I will answer those. And we’re doing a lot more of Ask The Shrink segments in this show in 2016 so I’ll be answering a lot of questions from you. So send them in. I will answer them. It will be awesome and a good time would be had by all. In fact, I’m going to be answering a question today that a listener sent in and actually that question is what inspired this episode so if you really want to learn something or know about something, ask me a question and it might actually turn into an entire episode about it. So there you go. That’s pretty awesome.
High Status- What is It?
So what is high status? High status means you are perceived as higher in the social hierarchy then others. So humans are pack animals. We exist in tribes and groups and units. It’s very rare for a human to be totally isolated and totally alone. Very much like wolves for example. I’ve been watching a ton of documentaries about wolves because my little son Zaim is obsessed with them. So in the morning when we get downstairs and he’ll be like, “(howling)”. And I’m like, “What’s that? You want to watch a wolf documentary?” And I check with my wife and I was like, “Is it okay for a two year old to look at a screen?” Because I didn’t want him to watch a bunch of stuff and it’s like, “Well, if there’s not a bunch of ads which is not.” It’s just like a straight up slow moving documentary on YouTube, there’s something about it if they watch it for more than 30 minutes, it can mess with their deaf perception because it’s 2D even though it looks 3D. So I’m like, “Okay, we’ll just watch a few minutes each morning.” Which like bleeds into 10 minutes because I’m like, “I got to see what the wolves do next. What do they do?” And they are amazing and they need a pack. A wolf needs a pack. A lone wolf struggles. They’ll be a lone wolf for a while until they find a mate and then they’ll pack up again and as a pack, they’re powerful and as a pack they have hierarchy. And I’m sure you’ve all heard that. There’s the alpha wolf and then there’s the omega which is the one in the bottom. And the alpha wolf is the strongest and he determines who he eats and who doesn’t, and gets the first choice pieces of meat and is often really in-charge of the pack. And humans are pack animals too. Usually it’s obvious; maybe it might be if it’s a company. It’s like, “Well, there’s the boos, there’s the CEO. They’re the top dog.” But even if there is no official structure, no official rank, like the military or corporation, even still, we determine where we are in a pack. And a pack could be among five people that you just met.
You grout at a… to go into a party or gathering with a friend and you don’t know five people there. So now there’s like five or six of you around a table. People are going to orient themselves into a pack. You’re going to slot yourself into the pack and determine where you are; and usually this is happening unconsciously. You’re not sitting there thinking, “Well, where am I in the status hierarchy of this pack?” You’re just doing your thing, but it’s happening. Unconsciously it’s happening. And when I was experiencing social anxiety, lot of shyness, a lot of low confidence, guess where I would always slot myself, in any pack, any situation. That’s right, lower, at the bottom. And even with like a stranger, I’d be in a less than, “Ah.” And if you really think about this, I love the metaphor of the wolves because how does the omega, the wolf of the bottom of the pack, the bottom of the hierarchy, how does he interact around the higher wolves, the alpha wolf? Just think about that. Can you imagine that? Yeah, he’s kind of cowering, right, his shoulders are down. Is he making… is he like staring the alpha wolf down? No. He’s not making eye contact. He’s looking down, he’s trying to be small and out of the way and inconspicuous and just hope that he can get the scraps without getting beat up and he’s staying out of the way, he’s not challenging. He’s not speaking up; he’s not like pushing the alpha and be like, “Listen, here’s what I think.” No. He’s staying quiet, small and out of the way. Isn’t that interesting how much of social anxiety seems like that? “I’m going to stay quiet. I’m going to stay small. I’m not going to make eye contact, I’m not going to speak up, I’m not going to make waves, I’m not going to get them to notice me, I’m not going to get challenged. I’m not going to get criticized. Let me stay out of this.” Interesting.
So big problem here is seeing ourselves and automatically putting ourselves at the bottom of the pack as low status, as being less than; less valuable, less important, less significant, less worthwhile, then other people. And there’s a whole host of reasons why we might do this because we have… depending upon what culture you’re in, what society you grew up in, there is a list of what makes someone higher status. So what have you learned as high status? Maybe it’s the people that are the most powerful. People that have the most clout or say in a company or in an area or a community, maybe it’s the people that have the most money, if you’re wealthy and you’re high status. I mean it’s like you got a really nice car. “Ooh, look at that person” or a nice watch. “Ooh.” Maybe if you’re really beautiful. This is true for men and women but oftentimes for women, beauty automatically puts them at the high status, top of the pack; men too. It’s not the primer. I think it’s like there’s a major primary focus for women in a lot for different societies. Maybe showing up and seeming to be suave or confident to make someone seem higher status. So what have you learned is high status? What do you… because people perceive different thing, one person might focus on money as high status and career success. And someone else might focus on physical prowess and like, “That guy’s got huge muscles” and in their world, that guy that’s like looks like a beetle with a because he’s so gigantic. And like the fitness bodybuilding world like, “Whoa, look at that guy, he’s so significant, he’s so high status.” But I would look at that guy and be like, “That guy kind of looks like a freak.” I mean obviously massive dedication and lot of respect for his commitment to doing that. It’s pretty amazing, it’s pretty rare. At the same time, I’m not looking at that and thinking I’m lower status than that, right? So we all have our own things that we plug into and that’s why it’s important for you to start to notice what yours are and then even more importantly we’re going to look at how do you start to interact with those people? How do you act around high status people? What do you do? In fact, think about that for a moment. Think about some people in your life that you think are really high status. It could be people some you work with, people you know, friends, women you’re attracted to and then think about, how do I interact around them? What do I do? Do you avoid them? Do you get nervous and quiet? You try to get their approval? Laugh a lot. Try to get him to respond positively to you by accommodating them or giving them everything they want. Just notice. In fact, we’re going to take a quick break and during the break just keep thinking about that one or two high status people that you can think of and how you relate to them? How you respond to them? How you act around them? And then we’re going to do something really powerful, right after this.
How Do You Interact?
So what did you notice about how you interact with people that you think of as high status? And you might do a lot of different things but there’s usually one or two major patterns. For me, it was avoid. I would generally avoid if there is a woman that I thought was really beautiful, therefore she is high status, higher status than me, I would avoid her. If there is a man who seemed very strong, or certain or confident in himself; he was outspoken, he was loud, he was more alpha, then I would avoid him. “No, we can’t be friends, he’s going to look down on me, he’s going to think he’s better than me. He is better than me. Why would he want to be friends with me?” So I would avoid him as well. If I did through some circumstance get forced to talk to them or somehow worked up the nerve then I would be approval seeking, I might be kind of tense, and little more quiet, more reserved because I wasn’t sure what they would like or wouldn’t especially with women, more reserved, more quiet, more tense, not joking, not my normal, awesome, funny relaxed self. And seek really hoping that they’re really going to approve of me. Because there’s this weird strange thing where when we perceive ourselves as lower status than someone, we think that’s somehow their approval, their accepting of us is going to raise our status. It’s going to give us something. And it’s weird that this pack stuff is deep. It’s deep in our evolutionary psyche in our primal brain centers. And in a way if you are accepted by the leader of the pack, you might get better food. You might get more opportunities, right? So there’s something in there that we think, “Oh, something good’s going to happen.” But you know what, it’s probably not and attempting to get it that way by currying favor and seeking approval, actually repels it because they respect you less. Again, usually unconsciously, but they’re not as drawn to you.
So now is actually a great time for a question from a listener. And I realized as I pulled this out, I didn’t grab his name. So this will be… we’ll call him Mr. X. Did any anyone here play the game Kung Fu from the original NES – Nintendo Entertainment System. The one with the two buttons: The red A and B. Kung Fu. Anyone play that? There’s like… you’re like a little dude. It’s like a side scroller and you could punch and kick. And every time you punched you and you punched dudes, and you also punched like snakes and wizards and fat guys and ninjas. And you’re walking through this like you’re going up, it’s like the whole level takes place on one floor, when you beat that level, you go to the next floor and you’re working up to like eight floors or whatever to get to save Sylvia. And at the end of each level they would show your dude standing on one side of the screen and Sylvia like tied down to the chair and in between you and Sylvia was Mr. X. And Mr. X was like he kidnapped her or whatever. So I just thought of that. So Mr. X. You know the best part about that game and this is probably super interesting to you especially if you never played this game but if you did you’re probably be geeking out like me; so if you got to Mr. X, and he was obviously the boss bos, the top of the game. Everyone else was hard, you get to him it’s supposed to be super hard and if he kicks you like once or twice you’d die. So he is pretty hard but my brother and I found this glitch, where if you like got near him and crouched down and just repeatedly low kicked, it was like a glitch where he would just keep missing you and you could kill him. So if that’s on your weekend plans to go back and play Kung Fu, you might just find that you can defeat Mr. X. Very good, that was all relevant.
Okay, Mr. X says, “I’m actually confident. I’m totally myself with people who give off good vibes, but I find that I am less bold around people I see as high status. These are talented, charismatic, or attractive people.” So do you notice there what he values as high status: talented, charismatic or attractive. Not unusual. Those are pretty much the common ones. Maybe some people value talent more than others, right? Talented in what? Let’s say you were interested in acting and so then you see someone’s really amazing at acting, you might give them crazy high status. You know the weirdest thing about the status stuff is if you were in a certain niche world, the people in that world might be really high status to you but someone else might not know them at all. Isn’t that funny? And it’s all in our heads, but anyway, so these are talented, charismatic or attractive people. My experience around these people hasn’t been the most uplifting. They often make… listen to this language, they often make me feel ugly, stupid, weird, and untalented. A lot of them make fun of me or I am the butt of their jokes. Bastards. That continuous response is painful and causes me to avoid putting myself out there. I’m stuck with how to figure out what to do about this. I can’t change who I am. So should I work on building up immunity to the rejection/criticism? Well, it’s a great question and first of all really interesting here. They often make me feel, ugly, stupid, weird and untalented. So I know he says, well they’re making fun of me, so that might make him feel that way but my guess is just being in the presence of someone like this might make you feel ugly, stupid, weird and untalented. Because you are comparing to them and you feel less than, you feel inferior, if you’re lower and here are the things, so this is a window, when you look at someone and you don’t feel good about yourself that is a very powerful gift because you’re going to see and you’re going to learn what you don’t like about yourself. What you’re critic beats you up for? And something that you want to work on, something that you need to heal, something you need to grow and people think that they need to go through life and just get better, get less ugly, get more attractive get smarter, get less weird, get more talented and then they’re going to feel good about themselves. And that’s not true and some of those things you can’t even change. Like the appearance of your face without major plastic surgery or something. And it’s not about that. It’s about the critic that is crushing you inside, that is telling you that you are ugly and you’re stupid and you‘re weird, and you’re untalented that is the thing that you need to get a handle on. And that is within your power. You can totally shift that.
And there’s something… I mean this podcast is episode… multiple episode is dedicated to doing that. You can get my program, The Confidence Code which is the whole first half of the program; it’s all about how to transform your critic into your own optimal self coach. So there’s tons of ways to do that. And it’s just a sign when you’re walking around feeling that way that you need to get that handled. And if you don’t, no amount of talent, or money, or success, or being smart, or proving, that you’re smart or even people telling you that you are attractive, none of that will matter because that critic will find a way to keep tearing you down. So you got to get a handle on that. And now in terms of maybe they make him feel that way by making fun of him. So this one is really interesting. They way we carry ourselves, determines whether people make fun of us or not. There are certain people… so the people that are looking to pick on people, they have a radar that’s kind of scanning the environment and they find the people that are likely targets. And those people that are likely targets are people that are giving off of a vibe of like, “I’m lower status, you can pick on me.” And they also don’t respond effectively when someone teases them or mocks them. And certain people have this kind of vibe they give off and people pick it up and then they get them. And so we need to get a lot better at responding to that stuff and defending ourselves. And one simple way is to… first of all we need to stop buying into the status game. That is huge. We need to stop buying into the status game. We need to let go of this idea. We need to see right through it just like a cloud of mist due to vapor. You just see right through it. So okay, money. Someone has a lot more money or someone is really really beautiful.
Does this Make Them a Better Human Being?
Does that make them a better human being, a more lovable, valuable, worthwhile human being? Really slow down and ask yourself that question. This person’s beautiful. They have nice skin and symmetrical features and are thin or whatever our the criteria is. Does that make them a better human then some guy who’s squat and wider and fatter? How do you even rate that? Like based upon what? What if that guy who’s squatter and fatter works like really hard, serves a ton of people, and is so loving with his family and his kids and has helped them overcome challenges in their life that no other dad would. Well, now all of a sudden is he more valuable? So how do we… it’s just like this weird arbitrary thing that we’re usually doing unconsciously so if we slow down and put our conscious attention on it, do you want to buy into that? For years I bought into the status of, I needed… if I was taller and more muscular, those guys are higher status than me. So I was perpetually lower status than them because I wasn’t getting any taller and I work out but I wasn’t getting huge. I wasn’t getting swole, right? And at some point, I just decided, “I’m not going to buy into this.” It has nothing to do with the worth of a person. I mean sure if someone wants to dedicate themselves in getting better physical shape, that is awesome and that’s healthy and that’s good. But it has nothing to do with the value of a human, do you see that distinction? That’s super important. And you got to look at each area that you buy into whether it’s career success. “Oh man, look at that guy. He made partner. Here I am still sitting at Junior Associate, loser.” And you can be like, “Hey, I have a hunger, I have an ambition, I want to grow, I want to get further, I want to remove the obstacles.” That’s awesome. But it has nothing to do with your value as a human being. And when we know that, people can’t make fun of us in the same way because we’re not vulnerable to it. So someone came up to me and said, “Hey Shorty,” I’ll be like… I don’t know, I’ll be surprised, and I’m like, “Well I’m not… I think I’m average height.” I don’t know, you need to be… I don’t know how they make fun of me. You need to be… “You look a little soft. You’re not as cut and ripped as you could be.” “Yeah, you’re probably right. Yeah I’d like to be ripped. I’d like to get those six pack abs, while I sleep man. Shit what will be awesome,” right? So you can just respond, you can just… you don’t take it so personally, you can joke with them.
And there’s another thing, oftentimes… sometimes people are really harshly teasing us and it’s bullying and we need to respond to it as such by firing back and then that’s a whole another episode but sometimes they’re not even doing that stuff, they’re just playing with you. They’re just teasing. It’s lighthearted, it’s fun but we’re so in this space of shame about being ugly and stupid and weird and untalented that we take it so personally but they don’t mean it in such a harsh way. They don’t actually see us in the ways that our critic sees ourselves. Does that make sense? So I can’t change who I am, so should I work on building up immunity to the rejection criticism? Well, you can keep growing in your confidence so you can become more talented, you can see yourself as more attractive. You can stop seeing yourself as a weirdo. That’s all stuff that you can change. Now you might actually not have to change a whole lot of external stuff, you might actually have to actually do the inner work to change some of your toxic self critical beliefs and you can change that. And you can change that faster than you think is possible. And yes, building up immunity to rejection and criticism; super powerful, super important. Again, the solution to that is self love, self acceptance, optimal self coaching and then being assertive; knowing how to respond to people who are being critical, who are bullying you. So we’re going to take a quick break right now and when we get back, we’re going to add one more super powerful thing to how to deal with high status people, how to talk with them and then we’re going to do your action step. So stay tuned. We’ll be right back right back right after this.
Letting Go of the Status Game
So one last thing I wanted to share and man, I feel like there’s so much. Maybe I’ll even do a whole another episode about this. But a few other tips about how to talk to high status people, one in addition to letting go of the status game, you got to own your own value. You got to own your value. Stop looking, “Well, they’re so talented and I’m not talented.” Own how you are talented. Stop dismissing it. Or if it’s an area that you truly are very underdeveloped at, find another area and own it. Stop discounting, stop dismissing, stop saying there’s nothing valuable about me. I got nothing. That’s horribly untrue. You can find something. And then you know what, if it’s truly like you haven’t developed yourself in any way, you haven’t’ learned anything, grown, you haven’t worked on how to do what you want in the world or do anything at all and you just spend your entire life watching TV, then maybe you need to change that. Maybe you just want to get more involved in life. Maybe this is a signal to you to get out there and start being more of who you are and who you want to be.
Treat them Like Ordinary People- Because they Are
Another super powerful tip for dealing with high status people, treat them like ordinary people, because they are. Doesn’t matter what their aura or status or success or how many people want to know them or how famous or liked they are, they’re just fucking people. They’re human organisms that are born like they explode out of their mom’s in a pile of mess and then they’re a little stupid kid that’s running around like, pooping in their pants. Kids aren’t necessarily stupid. I don’t know. But I’m trying to… just take him down off that pedestal. Little kids are actually really smart. I love little kids. Take him down off that pedestal. There’s the person. Guess what, they still take a shit every morning. Maybe sometimes they get constipated. Yeah, think about that. They have insecurities. They have played… no matter how powerful and successful they are, they have insecurities. They wonder deep down, “Do people who love me? Am I good enough?” Even if thousands and millions of people send them fan mail and love them, they still wonder that. They still doubt that. It’s crazy. It’s part of being human. And remember, for this podcast I’ve been interviewing people, some of them are really successful authors, business owners, really powerful people. Some of them I’ve been admiring for years before I got a chance to talk with them. I remember in the beginning when I was doing the show, sometimes I would get an interview with someone, I’ll be all nervous it’s like, “Oh, this is so and so.” Who is like unknown maybe in the greater world but I’m like, “This is Dan Wile, one of the world’s leading couples therapist. I’ve read all his stuff in graduate school. This guy is famous,” right? So I’ll be all nervous. And then there’s… like after the first one or two I was like, “Okay, I got to shift something because I’m buying into some status game here. You know what, they’re just people. I’m going to treat this person just like a normal person. Just like anyone else.” When you can do that and you can start to interact with them, they actually appreciate it because they’re kind of… they don’t want people like brown nosing and, “Oh, what do you need? Aah, I’m so nervous around you.” It’s annoying, just treat him like a regular person. And that bring us to our action step.
Your action step for today is to do one of these things from the episode this week. So it’s going to be either owning your value. It’s going to be looking at the ways that you can stop buying into the status game. And it’s going to be treating people that are higher status like ordinary people. You can do all three if you want, you can just pick one but just pick something or maybe it’s something else entirely from this episode that just came to you that I didn’t even say, it just reminded you of something that you heard elsewhere or you already knew or already remembering something that’s true and deeper inside of you. Whatever it is, take one thing from this and apply it when dealing with higher status people in this week and just notice. Like maybe looking at two people that are talking and all of a sudden your mind is like, “Whoa, that person is so much better than me.” And just see if in that moment you can just see right through it, they’re just a person. They just want love like all of us. They want to do good enough. They hope that they can be happy and avoid pain. And they’re just trying to figure it out. No matter how successful they are, they still have all that stuff inside of them. All those doubts, all those insecurities and you just see right through it. And then just go talk to them like a regular person. No matter how beautiful, no matter how powerful and just notice what happens. Awesome. Great to spend this time with you. I look forward to hearing more. You can always go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and send me a message there. You can also go subscribe on iTunes and also give this show a rating on iTunes. That will help it grow and expand. The more ratings it gets, I think that helps. If you can do that, also type like a review. Not just give it the five stars or however many stars you think it deserves; probably five, yes? And then type something too. That helps like, what you like about it? What you’re learning? How you’re growing? I love reading those. So if you can do that that will be awesome. And I look forward to speaking with you next week. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.
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