Your Identity Is Made Up of Over a Million” I AM” statements.
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Hey, everybody welcome to today’s episode of the show. I’m Dr. Aziz and if you want to go deeper and learn more and master your confidence, then you’re in the right place. This is the show for you if you want overcome shyness, social anxiety, self-doubt, insecurity anything that’s holding you back from being not just comfortable in your own skin and comfortable talking to people, connecting to people, reaching out to people, being more social, being confident really that’s what this show is all about. So, thanks for listening. If you want to go deeper go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and you can get my e-book there, “5 Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confidence.” You can learn about the show, you can ask me questions, you can get the show notes, you can read the transcript. I don’t know why you’d ever want to do that but you could.
Good, so today we’re going to be getting into, “I am a social person.” That’s the name of the episode. What do I mean by that? By the way, I realized something. I was listening back to an episode or two I did a little while back and I realized that … to be honest, here’s what I thought as I was listening to it, I was like, “Man, there’s kind of a lot of filler,” like I feel like I could be distilling this down and making this more direct and to the point. And probably I thought, “It’s a podcast to show it’s going to be 30 minutes long.” Now I’m realizing, you know what? You’re busy. You don’t need to spend 30 minutes. What if I can condense this down into 15 or 20 minutes? Would that be more awesome? Now if that’s like, “No, I want 15 more minutes. It’s easy hammering on.” Then send in messages through the site shrinkfortheshyguy.com. But otherwise, I’m just going to go with my gut here and say “Look, can I condense this down into more details, less repetitive … sometimes I feel like I’d repeat the point like four or five times. Like dude, do we get it? Just move on to the next thing.” So, that’s what we’re going to do with this episode today and probably future episodes, here we go.
I am a social person. Now, when I say that or better yet when you hear me say that and you try it on for you. Just go ahead and try it on right now. Say out loud, “I am a social person.” Good, for real, say it out loud. Say it like you mean it, “I am a social person.” Now, say it like a Shakespearean actor, “I am a social person.” Regardless of how you say it, how does it feel when you say it? Does it feel accurate? Does it feel false? Does it sort of in the middle? Like if you could give it a number from 0 to a 100%, where 100%, it feels 100% true. Like, “Yes, that’s me” or zero is like not in a million years. I am social, where do you put yourself; 10%, 50 %, 80%? Notice that and notice if you have other stories that come in that say, “I’m not a social person.” And if so, what feels more true right now in this moment? Just be honest with yourself. You got to be honest with where we’re at.
So, what feels more true? I am an anxious person. I’m an introverted person. I am a socially anxious person. I’m awkward. I don’t like people. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like interacting. I prefer to be by myself. I don’t like doing this. I’m not that. What comes up for you? Notice that because that’s super important too because guess what we’re doing right now? We’re scratching at your identity. Your identity is how you see yourself and it’s made up of a million and one “I am” stories. I am tall. I am a man. I am fat. I am rich. I am poor. I am worthy. I’m not worthy. I deserve friends. I don’t deserve friends. I deserve an amazing relationship.
Whatever it is, a bunch of stuff that we … who we think we are or what we deserve and what we’re capable of. It’s your identity. This is … we go actually really deep into this. And it’s the story chapter of my new book, “The Art of Extraordinary Confidence” which at the time you’re listening in this should be in Audible, oh yeah and Kindle and Paperback. Go check it out, leave a review and because that’ll be awesome trying to get a 100 reviews of that book. And so if you feel moved too and want to help me out, help me reach more people then leave a review, that would be much appreciated.
So, and you can learn a lot more about this stuff. This is, it’s teaching you something from the book, identity stuff. And specifically as identity, I am a social person. So, why is this so important? And am I saying that you should think you’re a social person? I don’t know. I’m going to share some examples of how I think it’s very helpful to have that identity. Even though I’m still an introvert, I still don’t … I still need time alone to recharge. I need some time away from everybody just by myself. I like long intimate conversations with one person versus like cocktail parties. But I’m a social person, so I can rock it at the cocktail party. And then maybe find someone I love talking to and have a long conversation with them and go deep. So, let’s look at how this can be extremely valuable in your life for you to feel like you’re more of a social person. And that you have an ability that you can turn on whenever you want. And this episode is going to be about how to activate that story so it feels more true for you and then how to actually do it. So, stay tuned.
So my social friend let’s about how to make this more of a reality too and more of what I mean. So, this … tell me about this scenario if this applies in your life. You go to the store. You’re there to get some groceries. You have your headphones and maybe, maybe not but you kind of go about. You go get the items, you park the car, you get out, you go walk around, have your list or not. Go get your very specific items, put them in your little basket or cart. Don’t interact with anyone. Don’t really look at anyone. Maybe you interact with like the butcher or the person behind the deli like, “Get me this, thanks.” Then you go to the front of the store and the cashier’s like, “How’s it going,” or maybe you choose self-checkout, right, to even interact with less people? But maybe you go to the cashier and like, ‘Hi, how you doing? You’re like, how are you? Great, thanks,” and you kind of just stand there, then you get out and you go home.
And that’s like basically unless you’re kind of … I mean you go to work and you kind of … maybe you don’t initiate interacting with people or you kind of do or you force yourself to or maybe you don’t, right? And all those things might be your reality and you might have reasons for that. I don’t feel like it. I’m not comfortable. I’m not a social person. And I do this too and it’s okay. You can be kind of in your own inner world like I just want to listen to my book or my headphones, forget talking to people today, that’s fine. But at the same time, life can be enriched and expanded and made better. And your confidence can grow and your social confidence can increase simply by becoming a slightly more social person and interacting with people and in seeing yourself that way. Now, why is that helpful? Because if you expand these social abilities, you become more likeable, you become more charming and charismatic. You become more magnetic to people. You become more attractive to friends, dates, relationships, career, advancement, jobs all by turning on that ability.
So, here’s what it might look like if you turned on that ability. That first things first, it’s a mindset thing. Instead of seeing other people as like barely existing, like kind of objects in your way. It’s like, “There’s the cereal boxes. There’s the broccoli. There’s another human,” and we all kind of see them as the same. They’re objects. They don’t really matter. They’re like it’s like a hologram, right? It’s like, who cares about that person? I am me and we’re focused on ourselves when we’re at the store, right? Like me, we’re focused on the store maybe if we’re being present or we’re focused on like we’re thinking about some shit in our life, “I can’t believe I got to figure that out. What’s going to happen to Grahams? I can’t believe he said that to me. Do you think he thinks I’m not smart?” And we’re just in our own shit and our problems and focus on our own stuff and no one else really matters.
So, the first thing you want to do if you want to become a more social person is you want to be more aware of other people. Man, everyone’s got some shit they’re going through, some challenges, some problems, some excitement, some wins, some victories, some great things about the relationships in their life and in some ways that they’re hurting, they’re stuck, they’re lonely, they’re frustrated or stressed or overworked, they’re anxious. I mean it’s a whole mixture. Everyone has got stuff going on in their life. No one is superior. No one’s got it all figured out. No one’s better than you. No one is judging you. They’re all just kind of going around, working on life as best as we can. And guess what, connection feels good. The only reason it doesn’t feel good is we’re judging ourselves as we do it or we’re judging them. But if we let that go and we just see people as equals as lovable humans that we can help and share and connect with, then we can free to interact with people. And that’s what it is to be a social person.
So, here’s an example of that and I was actually thinking about this. I had a string of days probably where I was like not interacting with anyone except for clients and my family, right? But I thought you know what? I’m not interacting with the world when I go out. Let me turn that on and just see how that feels. So we went to the store, this was earlier today. My wife and my two kids, they’re both asleep. And we walked in and there’s just some people walking out. And I just looked at them as they’re walking out and I said, “Hey there.” In fact, I noticed on our whole walk, I was just looking at people and their eyes more. And sometimes people would look back at me and sometimes they wouldn’t and it was fine. It wasn’t meant to get something from them. It was just, I want to start interacting with my fellow humans and you know the fascinating thing, is if you pay attention to people’s eyes and their faces, you will see so much. You can feel people’s emotions. In fact, that’s one of things that Sean Stephenson pointed out that Bill Clinton did is … I just realize that was from a bonus episode. I’m referencing something you don’t know what I’m talking about unless you listen to the Ask the Shrink where I answer this guy’s question about, if you could be more like Will Smith and my answer was yes.
Anyway, there’s a list that Sean Stephenson has in his book called, “Get Off your Butt” which is awesome by the way. You should totally download it and read it. Listen to it, now, Get Off your Butt by Sean Stephenson and if you don’t know who he is, Google him. He is amazing and he agreed to be a part of my World Confidence Summit which is coming early 2017. So, that’s super exciting and to hang out and talk with him and interview him about his journey to confidence which is … if you know anything about his story, he’s an amazing man. Anyway, he worked in the White House and you observed Bill Clinton closely. And he wrote down 10 things he noticed that Bill Clinton did that made him extremely charming and charismatic and sociable. And one of them was this. He seemed to tune into people’s emotions around him. He could tell if people were feeling sad or angry and he would respond to it. He’d react to it. He’d make it part of the conversation. He’d try to help them out.
So, when were’ looking at people as they walk down the street, we can pick up some emotion. You’re talking to somebody, you could feel something if you just pay more … you don’t have to be like a psychologist or a mind-reader really good at this, it’s just a matter of focusing our attention outside of ourselves and on that person. And here’s another thing, when we really see other people as complete humans with strength and challenges and flaws and that they hurt inside and then they feel good inside just like us, then we stop being so scared of them. So when you can see that person, you’re looking them in the eyes and you’re seeing their face, you’re not like “Do they think I’m weird,” and “Oh my God, is that okay what I’m doing,” and you just … you’re not in that space and people feel that. And so we walk into the store and we’re looking at the hot food bar and there’s a super tall African-American guy. He got a Portland State Vikings shirt. He must go to the local university. Big tall guy and we’re both getting samples of one of the meals, some enchiladas that are there. And he’s standing right near there and I go to stand right near there. And when you start treating people more socially, you’re just being more I am a social person. You just start interacting with people like they were your friends.
So, if your buddy was standing like let’s say you’re at a party and there’s the food table and your buddy’s standing there and he’s eating something. He’s grabbed like some guacamole or something and you walk up there, what might you say to him? It would be like, how’s the guacamole, right duh, super basic stuff but you can do that with total strangers. So, I go up there and he’s eating something. And I see what he’s got in his little sampler cup and I’m like, “Hey man.” He’s like, “Hey.” I said, “How are the enchiladas?” And he’s like, “Oh man they’re good, spicy though.” I was like, “Cool.” So, I got my little sample and I had a bite. And I sat there, we’re just kind of standing there until we talked for a second. And all of the sudden I was like, “Damn, wow, those are spicy.” And he’s like, “I know.” And I’m like, “Wow, it sneaks up on you.” And then we start chatting and he’s like, “Yes, but you know I’m like part Ethiopian and some blah, blah, blah.” And I said, “Wow, so spice like this must be nothing for you.” And we start talking about Ethiopian food and then there’s an Ethiopian restaurant he recommended and that was it. There was just this moment of connection and it was fun, and it was easy and it doesn’t take energy.
Here’s a thing and this came up actually at my event, Supremely Confident Conversation Master which we do in March each year and we had it this year in March. And a question that came up, a lot of people said this. It’s like I get drained from social interactions. How do I not get drained from social interactions? And here’s the thing, if you’re getting drained from social interactions, there’s probably something you’re doing to make that so. So, that means you’re judging yourself, you’re observing yourself, you’re striving, you’re trying, you’re performing, you’re “Am I doing it right? I can do better.” That makes it tiring and exhausting. So at that moment, just let it go. Just “Hey, how’s it going?” Interact with that person. So that’s what it means to be a social person. I encourage you to adopt that and to bring that into your life. And to share more freely to other people, ask them questions.
If you want to go way deeper, check on my program The Confidence Code because that program teaches you, if you’re listening at me like, “How do you just know what to say?” or “What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?” Confidence Code helps you first of all, handle your self-esteem stuff so you like yourself, so you don’t care if this guy likes you or not. And then you just open, free and it also teaches you how to exactly what to say to start conversations and keep them going and all that stuff. So, that could be valuable for you. But the big takeaway here is, I am a social person. You want to start to operate in small ways. Just try it out. Just try it out the next time you’re out and about. Look at people in the eye and say, “hi.”
Ask some basic questions. Chat with the people here and there. You don’t need to sit down have a five-hour conversation with someone unless you really want to but maybe just a little burst of exchange. And notice right after you do it, how did that feel? And if you’re anxious or uncomfortable or self-critical, what can I do to let that go? Listen to other episodes to help you with that. There’s tons in here that can help you with that so that you can actually work through the social anxiety so you can enjoy it. And it’s okay if you’re a little bit nervous the first time you do this, just make a habit out of it. Do it a lot. And soon, it’s going to be remarkable is, you’ll see like “Wow, I am a social person. I’m able to talk to people.” And that happens a lot actually.
I hear this a lot from clients that I work with who were like, I got some feedback the other day from a girlfriend or a friend or something that just met them even. And they say “Wow, you seem really confident” or “Wow, you’re really social.” And it always surprises them because they still haven’t … they’re still sort of seeing themselves as like, “I’m still me. I’m still not comfortable and confident yet,” but then they get this feedback and I’m like, “Yes, I would say the same thing. Seeing how you operate now.” So, you can be that way too. You can grow. In fact, speaking of growing, that brings us to your action step.
Your action step for today is to just try this out. Try saying I am a social person. Try just … if that were true, how would you act? And let’s just say you go into the store or you’re going to work or you’re going out for a night in town, whatever it is. If you just said I am social person. If this were true, if I like … in this moment, I am a social person, what would I do? What I do here? And then just start acting. Start taking those little actions left and right as much as you can. And soon, it’s going to become a habit. Soon it’s going to become who you are and then all the doors open up man in your dating life, that’s huge. And you’re … I used to think, “I just need to learn how to talk to women.” But you beget more skilled if you can talk to anyone. Then if a woman is in a group with like two guys and three girls, you don’t have to be like, “I’m sorry, I can’t talk to men,” right? You can just talk to anybody. And then I can to talk to the woman in the group that I’m interested at. And this is perfect in, of course, your work situation to make better connections, be a better manager, better leader, tons of stuff. So, use this in your life and let me know how it goes. Go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com, share a message, send a question, I’d love to hear how this particular episode and everything else that you’re learning from the show is working for you. You’re awesome, you got this. I believe in you. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are, talk to you soon.
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