Possible To Overcome Shyness

Discover The ONE Single Factor That Determines If You Achieve The Success You Want In Life

Do you believe your goals are possible? Do you believe you can find love, enjoy your work, and make an impact in the world? Can you create the life you really want?

After a decade of research, Dr. Aziz is convinced that creating an outstanding life is entirely possible, IF you are willing to do one specific thing.

Join him in this exciting and inspring episode to learn how to harness the power of your motivation to achieve more than you once though possible.

Click below to hear this episode!

What Is Possible And What Is Impossible?

Hey welcome to today’s show. Today we’re going to be getting into the impossible and the possible, discovering what is truly possible for you in your life, both in terms of social confidence, what you are able to create in dating, in relationships, in business, in a career and in all aspects of your life. What is really possible for you?

And I have a pretty radical idea about what I believe is possible for people if…because I don’t have some sort of super hippie purely love attraction like you just really imagine it hard and then it’s going to happen or don’t focus on bad things in your life because then that’s all you’re going to get is bad things. And usually to focus on the flowers and everything will be great.

I think there’s something to that if we overly focus on what’s wrong with us then we aren’t able to take effective action but I really believe in the second part of that effective action. Everything that I’ve seen created in my life and in the lives of people that I’ve worked with and that are around me that are successful is effective action. And so we’re going to get into what’s possible for you right now in your life and we all have a blueprint or a template or a map of what’s possible for us.

Right now, as you listening to these words coming out of my mouth, you have a blueprint in your mind, here is what I am capable of, here is what’s possible for me and here is what is not possible for me.

And it’s pretty solid like a real structure there are hard lines. This is possible, that is not possible. Thank you very much and we’re a little bit defensive about our hard lines and if someone was to say, hey, is that line really were you think it is? You think you can push that a little bit? We’d say no, you shut up, you stay away from my hard line.

I’ve really worked to create this map of the world and I’m not changing it. So, this is going to be like shaking up that map a little bit and I feel a little uncomfortable at times but you also might leave your feeling incredibly liberated and excited about what is possible for you if you’re really willing to do what it takes.

So, we’re going to start with those, what do you actually want? Because who cares if something is possible or not possible if you don’t really want it? So, for example, I could really go into the question, is it possible for me to go play in the NBA? And I’m thirty one years old right now and I have never really played basketball in my life. I’m five foot eight and a half and is it possible for me to get in the NBA? Now I’m not going to deliberate over that question a whole lot because I don’t really care. I don’t want to go play in the NBA. So it doesn’t matter what’s possible or not possible if it is not in your area of passion or interest or something you want to create in your life.

So we’re going to start with what do you want and that’s where it gets really interesting is because it’s like what I want that feels impossible to me, that’s where there’s pain. And we want to shift what you want to make it feel like it’s possible. And really when it comes down to it most people don’t want something that’s totally outside of the bounds of their physical reality or limitations. Usually we want the basic things in life. So what do you want? What do you want when it comes to relationships, friendships, social life?

You want a group of close friends, people that you can call up and hang out with that you can go to movies with, that you can chat about what’s going on with your life, have real connections with, not just some superficial, you know, we play some ball together but we can never really talk about what’s going on our lives.

And maybe someone you can really chat with what’s going on and what’s real. What do you want when it comes to dating and relationships? Do you want to have a girl friend? Do you want to be able to feel like you have the power and choice to be able to date women and select the ones that you really like and you’re not just kind of waiting for someone to choose you. You want a wife, you want a family. What do you want when it comes to your business, and your career? What is your dream job? What is the thing that you really want to apply to go after, create, you want to start your own business? What do you really want?

You know, underneath it all I want to ask these questions of people, it really comes down of some basic things — freedom, connection, love, doing something in the world that has an impact or that excites me that feels me with purpose. So, what are those things for you, they’re different for everyone. I mean they are similar in each of us but they’re specific, they’re unique to you, those are your dreams, your goals, your desires.

But do you know what’s interesting? A lot of us won’t even really ask those questions because on the coat tails of discovering what it is that we want, there’s a voice that comes in and says, you can’t have that, who do you think you are?

You know, for example if you asked me this question number a number of years ago, I’d say, man, I’d really love to be able to — many years ago if you ask me that, I’d say I’d love to able to date women. And a voice would say, you can’t do that, you know, women that I found attractive and I was passion about, you can’t do that. And then as I started to learn some of the stuff from pick-up artists stuff and actually I was able to date women, then I found I couldn’t really sustain relationships because underneath I was still so damn anxious and didn’t really love myself and all the stuff that I teach in 30 days to dating mastery, I didn’t know any of that.

And so what happen is I would date woman for a couple of weeks or month and then I bolt and I had this horrible anxiety that would come up with her and I’d just have to break up with her. And it was really painful. And so at that time in my life if you ask me what do you want? I’d say, man, I’d love to have a girlfriend that I really just settled in with and like gotten more and more deeply comfortable and in love with this time and on. And guess what happened, my mind would say, you can’t have that, there’s something wrong with you, you’re not good enough for that you’re broken and all these things that would come in and that’s what happens in all areas for people when I do this work with them.

They have the thing they want, the love, the connection, the freedom, the career, they are clear that they want it. And as soon as they uncover it, another voice comes in and tells them, it’s not possible for you. And that’s what I want a challenge today. So, if you’re noticing that voice, let’s play with it a little bit, let’s explore what we can shift in you.

And what I want to pose to you is the idea of that, yes it is possible. It absolutely is possible if, and here’s the big if and it’s the fundamental question and let’s get out of possible or impossible and then ask yourself this question. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get that thing you want? The selector in your relationships, finding the girlfriend you want, pursuing your dream career, creating your own business, am I willing to do whatever it takes?

What is your answer to that question? You know, to be honest when I ask people a lot of this, their real answer when I look at their body language and their voice tone, is this, you’re ready? Eh! What will it take, right? You know, we’re not sure. It’s rare that someone’s like, yes. And of course when I worked with someone in confidence coaching as part of the application process, I ask them all these questions and I got to find out where they’re at because in order to work with me, they have to be in a place of, yes I’m willing to do whatever it takes because otherwise it’s not possible.

It is not possible, you will make sure that it’s not possible. You verify your own beliefs about yourself, your own negative self concept and say, see I tried, it didn’t work I knew it. But if you’re willing to do whatever it takes then blasting through shyness and anxiety and all these things is absolutely possible. Not only that, but getting to the next level creating awesome relationships, creating a movement in the world or having a big impact or being the leader in your field or in your career. I mean all of that is possible no matter how shy you started if you’re willing to do whatever it takes. And most of the time I find that we have a little calculation going on our head. It’s the pleasure pain scale calculation.

How much pleasure will I get if I do it, how much pain am I going to experience along the way? So I really want that thing but what am I going to have to do, am I going to experience a lot rejection along the way? Am I going to maybe fail along the way? Am I going to try and it’s not going to work out and then a voice in my head, my inner critic is going to tread me to pieces or people are going to laugh at me and judge me — ooh that’s a lot of pain, no thanks.

That’s where a lot of people stop. And that’s why Henry David Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with their songs still in them.” That’s what happens right? We don’t put ourselves out in the world, we don’t pursue what we want and underneath is quite desperation, it’s all inside, it’s all hidden. And I don’t want that for you and it doesn’t have to be that way for you and you can shift this.

So what we’re going to do in this episode is first we’re going to cover in the next segment what I call the “big lie.” And you have to know what the big lie is because you’re probably telling yourself it’s a big lie right now. I did for many years and that’s what keeps people stuck. And then in the next segment, we’re going to get into, okay, how do we shift this, how do we get motivated to take real action in our lives and really go after these dreams and make them a reality and get to that place of, yes, I’m willing to do whatever it takes.

And it’s absolutely possible to get to that place. There are some interesting techniques that we’re going to do to help you get there by the end of this episode. So, stay tuned, we’ll be right back in one moment with that.

The Big Lie That Keeps Us Stuck

Now we’re going to get into the big lie. This is something that you are probably telling yourself right now about those things that you want especially the things that you think are “not possible”, hard lines, right? Here it is, it won’t work out anyway for me, so why try? I can’t, it’s not going to work out for me. So why even try, why you even put in the effort? There’s a guy that I’m working with, he’s a young guy. He’s in his early 20’s and he was really debilitated by shyness. We’ve been working with him for a while now.

Almost a year and he is in very different place. I mean he is going to parties, he’s got more friends, he’s dating, totally transformed, but you know what, he is still stalling out when it comes to finding his career path. What do I want to do in this life and, you know, kind of at the safe track, well, maybe I should, he is interested in child psychology and he majored in that in college, psychology. Like well, I can maybe work with kids, get to social work degree or some like that and which is an awesome career. But whenever he says that, he’s kind of like, yeah. And so I ask, him like, well, what do you really want to do? What are you really excited about?

And he kinds of shakes his head and he’s like, I don’t know. You don’t know or you have judgments about what you do know? He paused and he thought, well, to be honest, what I’d love to do is work in the NBA. And I said, interesting, what would you want to do there? He’s like, to be honest I’d love to be an assistant coach for an NBA team. And he kind a like sat there like bracing himself as I was going to laugh at him or throw something at him and you know what I said to him? Fuck yeah, absolutely. I loved that, what a big vision, what an awesome goal? And his energy was so different when we started talking. His passion was passion was so apparent. But guess what he said then, that’s not going to work out for me anyway so why try.

There’s no way I’m going to get there. Who am I to be able to do that? It reminds me of a story that I learned from Les Brown who’s an awesome motivational speaker. If you don’t know him, look him up on YouTube right now, L-E-S and then Brown as in the color, Les Brown, awesome speaker, very motivational, very inspiring. But he tells a story about, he was walking down the street and he hears this kind of high-pitched moaning sound from an animal…and he just closely receives this, old couple of sitting on the stoop on their porch. And there is an old guy in his rocking chair and his wife’s next to him knitting and in between them is this ancient bloodhound dog kind of lying on the porch. And that’s where the sound is coming from it saying…

So as he gets closer. Les says. Hey, you know, your dog is moaning and the old guy looks up and says yeah, he does that. And Les says, well what’s going on, why? What’s wrong with him? And the other guy says, well he’s laying on a nail and les pauses and says, well, why doesn’t he get up? And the old man chuckles, he says, well, it doesn’t hurt that bad. And that’s what most of us are doing right now. We want to follow the dream, we want to be the NBA assistant coach, we want to create our own business, we want to find the love of our lives, we want to be more social and go on fun adventures and exciting trips, but it doesn’t hurt that bad to just say, oh, it’s never going to work out, I’m not, no, no thanks.

And in order to make it not hurt bad, we find ways to soothe ourselves. We find ways to numb ourselves from the discomfort of not going after or a passion, our purpose and our dreams. We all have our strategies to kind of numb that pain a little bit, to not feel it. What are some of yours? The really common once are, you know, you get home, at the end of the day you’re working on the job that’s not your thing it’s just kind of wait to pay the bills and there’s something in you, some passion to do something else, maybe you want to make more friends, you can have some fun, exciting times in your life, maybe you want to meet woman to create an exciting relationship with.

Maybe you want to work on your side business or you can be doing something that you think is really cool in the world. But then there’s that well, you couldn’t do anyways, so why try and that hurts, that’s the nail and then what do we do? We don’t stay in that moment very long. We find some way to distract — to numb that pain out. What do you do? Do you reach for the remote and just start watching TV. Oh this sucks, I guess I’ll just watch a few episodes of this show and you finish the first episode and you’re like, eh, watch another one, eh watch another one and it’s 3 in the morning, you need to go to bed. Maybe it’s food, maybe you’re like, oh man, I’m going to eat some nachos. That’s one of my comfort food, nachos. And you eat that and you feel temporarily better.

Maybe it’s videogames, maybe you just get absorbed in videogames for hours and hours and hours and you don’t have to focus on these things. Maybe it’s internet porn, I mean that’s a powerful way to shift your focus, get out your head and not think about all this stuff. What is it for you? You know, I know when I was in college and at that time I was not able to talk to women. I was really inhibited by shyness I would go to a party with some friends and we would just stand there and have a drink in our hands and, you know, I enjoyed hanging out with my friends but I really wanted to be able to talk to women and then I couldn’t, I was terrified thought they are going to reject me.

And so, I would just sort of have this sort of disappointing nights. And there were two kinds of guys that would go out, you know, we had a lot friends from my dorm, so we kind of a lot of you kind of go out with a big group and there were two kinds of guys. They were the guys who are more able to go after what they wanted. And they would go talk to women, they’d interact with women, they’d get numbers. Some of them would even go home with women or go to another party with the woman they just met. And then there were guys like me. And the guys that didn’t do that, you know what they do, they reached sort of a point in the night, it’s like, I don’t know 12:30, 1 a.m. and kind of the guys that are going to go off to do something more exciting, have already done it and it just like three or four or me and my friends.

And it’s like well, what are going to do? And that’s invariably someone would say dude, let’s go get stoned and go to free birds. Free birds was like a burrito place that was open all night, and just catered like drunk high college kids right, or it would be like, let’s go get stoned and watch the Big Lebowski man. And it always involved using substance, alcohol or pot to like numb the pain a little bit and then distract yourself and these are really fun times I had great time at free birds and watching movies with friends. I’m not saying this is bad but it is way of dealing with the pain of thinking it’s not possible, of not going after what you want.

But I found a much more satisfying way to deal with this problem is to go after what you really want. It’s to breakthrough that numb barrier of I can’t do it and distraction and getting away from the feelings and saying, you know what, I need to make a shift here, I need to make this happen, I need to willing to do whatever it takes. And the paradox is, the great irony is that in order to get to that place of doing whatever it takes, the pain will actually serve you. The pain that you feel is a good thing, it’s going to help you in the long run.

So, in the segment we’re going to jump in to how to use that pain, how to get yourself to be motivated to get to be that place to saying, yeah, damn it, I’m willing to do whatever it takes. So stay tuned right after this break we’re going to get in to some really powerful techniques to help you get to that of place of inspiration, motivation and ultimately action towards your goals and your dreams. Stay tuned.

How To Motivate Yourself To Take Action

So how do you get motivated to take action, massive action in your life because the reality is for this guy that I’m working with to become an assistant NBA coach? He’s got to be one dedicated person, doesn’t he? I mean if you follow the path of how people get to positions like, they’re 22 years old, they like a lot of basketball, they show up and say hey, we’re in Portland here so he shows up to be blazers and says, hey, you know, I’ve been thinking about being an assistant coach.

You might want to consider me for the position. It doesn’t work that way, right? So, he has to be willing to do whatever it takes and I asked him and he is really actually a bright guy, so he thought about this a little bit. I said, so how do people get to that position of being an assistant coach?

And he’s like, well a really common story is they just take any position. Their like a video editor or in some way involved in the organization and they just keep focusing on what’s the next step that I can take, how can I get involved? They pay their dues. They start at the very bottom. And there’s an awesome book called Be So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport which really goes into this way of, how do we get the careers that we want? How do we do what we are excited and passionate about in life and it doesn’t involve just saying, you know what, I’m really passionate about being an NBA coach, so I’m going to do that and it’s going to be great the whole way?

No, he really advocates a long term vision. Go after what you really want but be willing to do stuff that’s not that great along the way and just keep building up your skill sets so you’d become as the title says so good at whatever you want to do that they can’t ignore you. So what have to do is take massive consistent action and to be dedicated. And as you know it takes motivation. It can be difficult to find. So how do we do that? Well this is the really powerful technique.

It comes to neuro-linguistic programming and that’s about how we use emotional states to drive us. And there are two things that we can do. We can feel the pain and have that be a motivator because nothing is the most powerful motivator like dissatisfaction and pain and hurt.
You know, to be honest, I didn’t really start looking at overcoming my shyness even though I lived in it for 10 years, really making a shift until I had a number of experiences of women that I was really attracted to that it took forever to build up the courage to ask him out, we went on one date and then there are like…you’re not a — nice, you’re a friendly nice guy and I don’t want to hang out with you again.

And that happened to me several times and just feeling this like pent up pain of like, oh my God, I’m never going to find anyone? And what’s happening, this is terrible. And that motivated me to take action. And it’s the same thing too for people who really get on my programs or reach out to me about confidence coaching and want to invest in themselves to do that, there is always some triggering event of pain because if it doesn’t hurt, well it’s like, yeah, I’ll do it later, like, yeah, I’ll worry about that later.

And very few people are super forward thinking and say well that could be a problem in years so I want to deal with it now. It’s like no, wait till it really hurts. So what I want you to do right now as you’re listening is think about one thing that you want. We’re not going to focus on all of them now. You can go back and do this later for each different area but think about one area whether it’s your career, your social life, your social network, your friend group, your dating life. Think about one area where you’re not getting what you want and you really want something different. And don’t avoid it, don’t downplay it, really focus on that. What does it feel like to see someone that you want to start a conversation with and then not be able to?

What does it feel like to go to sleep each Friday night alone and be missing connection with someone and having the sense that you’re never going to have that connection? What does that feel like? Can you actually associate to that pain? I know this might be unpleasant and you might be thinking like, geez, I don’t want to do this. No, get away, get away. But go into it, feel it for just a minute and think about, wow, what is my life going to be like in three years if I don’t do something about this right now? And really imagine, extend that pain forward.

Look, things don’t magically change on your own. Your job is not going to become an amazingly magically awesome.

You’re not somehow just going to find the love of your life if you’ve never built the confidence to actually talk to women. It’s not going to happen. That’s a lie, that’s a big lie that you tell your self to say suck. No, you got to feel the pain of holy shit, this is my life. And I don’t know what your spiritual or religious beliefs are but as far as anything is verified, this is our one shot. Maybe there’s another one, maybe there’s a utopian heaven or maybe there’s a reincarnation, no one really knows but this for sure is you’re one shot.

We know that this is the shot that you have in this life. And are you living it? And are you living it fully? And feel the pain if you’re not. Really let yourself go in to it because that pain will drive you, that pain will motivate you.

That pain will give you a relentless courage to do whatever the hell it takes to get there. That pain is your driver, that pain is your friend if you use it. Now, if you feel that pain and say well, that’s because I’m never going to get it, that’s a big lie. Remember that, from the earlier section that’s a big lie, that’s not true, that pain is just telling you that there’s something that’s important to you that you need to make happen in your life. And you absolutely can do that if you’re willing to do whatever it takes. I mean I was in such a place of pain around dating relationships that I got something on the internet, there was a pick up artist saying that basically said, go out and start talking to woman. And I hadn’t done that for my entire freaking life, and the very next day I went out and started a conversation with a woman.

And it went terribly by the way but it doesn’t matter because I started on the process and that pain is what drove me. So that’s going to be you’re driving force. But guess what, it doesn’t have to be all pain. Its not all pain and gain, it’s you can find the pleasure in this too. So, think for a minute and we take a deep breath and just let go, whatever you focus on and now let’s focus on imagine if you really got what you wanted?

What was that thing that you’re focusing on? Now, if we’re looking at the area of dating relationships, imagine what it would feel like to wake up the next morning with someone that you are excited to be with, it makes you smile and you look over and she’s asleep in your bed and she just looks so beautiful with her face on the pillow and you’re looking at her and you’re just like, wow, I’m the luckiest guy in the world that she spending time with me. This is so amazing.

Or maybe you picked your career, right, and for this guy that I’m working with really imagine, what would it feel like to be on the sidelines of a huge basketball stadium and knowing that I’m intricately involved with these players and their lives and this sport that I love so much, that I’ve passionate about since I’ve been as early as I can remember five years old. What that really feels like and vividly imagining that.

Not some abstract thing or idea but really make it real in your mind. And if you’re listening to this right now and you can close your eyes, do so and really create that image of that thing that you want and make it brighter and bigger in your mind’s eye. More vivid, more details, more textures, more colors, add sound in add smells, add vividness of the colors, really see it build the scene and if it’s a still image, start turning it into a movie in your mind.

What is it that you really want? And then breathe in and feel what would it feel like to really have this in your life. That is another powerful driving force. That is you’re moving towards pleasure. Moving away from pain and moving towards pleasure are the powerful driving forces in your life. So if you can do that, then you’re going to have the motivation and the drive to do whatever it takes to get to where you want to go in life. And that is going to be your action step for today.

Time For Action

Your action step is to associate yourself to what you really want. To go through this exercise that we just did and really do it with something that’s important in your life. Stop numbing yourself and start taking action with that motivation that you have, create a plan, what are all — make a list of where all the things that I could do to get my first job in to the NBA even if I’m a, you know, super low level grunt guy who’s cleaning up the stadium afterwards. If I want to meet a woman and create a relationship what is the first this that I could do? What is the program I could buy, what is a book I can read, what are some action I could take?

Make a list and then just start taking massive action. Because ultimately the biggest secret is, it is possible, no matter what it is if you’re passionate about it and it’s important to you. It is possible if you are willing to do whatever it takes and then you do whatever it takes again and again. And you have a long term game, you don’t expect to get it in a week, you’re saying okay, this might take me a year. In the case of this, a guy who wants to be an NBA assistant coach that might take him 10 years but he’s going to pursuing what matters to him. And to me that leads through life of passion and fulfillment and excitement. So finding that thing for you and then let me know, how know how it goes. What do you discover or what do you find and share that with me, go to the website go to ShrinkfortheShyGuy.com.

You can send me a voice mail through the website, you can send me an email, you can call our hotline that’s on the website and let me know how it goes for you. You can also ask me questions by all means, you can also check us out on Facebook at Facebook.com/Shrink for the shy guy and I look forward to connecting with you there and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are.

Music Credits

All music is either licensed or royalty free.

DeepSound – Lost Ground
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Second Ad:
Sax Drum & Bass Mix
(Licensed through JewelBeat.com)

Action Step:
DeepSound – Yellow Dog
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
(Creative Commons License)

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