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As we approach the New Year we are going take a look back at the last year, to reflect on where we have been with what we have learned, what successes we have had and to take the opportunity to take a look forward to look at what we want to create in our lives in 2017.
You may think, I don’t want to take a look back, it wasn’t a great year, but there are so many excuses that we tell ourselves, there are so many places that we have resigned ourselves or have settled on something.
WHERE HAVE YOU SETTLED?
Is it in your Relationships:
- Career Influence
- Dating Life
There are so many places that we settle telling ourselves that is how it is for me, nothing can change for me, nope, not me…
NOT SMART ENOUGH
NOT ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH
For what I want…
YOU ARE SELLING YOURSELF A STORY THAT YOU AREN’T ENOUGH
BUT, the good news is DISSATISFACTION IS WHAT MOVES US!!
Hey, welcome to another episode of the show. Today is the final episode of 2016. Oh yes, brings us to the end of the year. I don’t know how you feel about the end of the year, and about New Year’s and maybe you’re in holiday virtual coma from all the food and drink that you’ve had. Like, “Oh God thinking about New Year is exhausting.” I don’t know where you’re at. I personally love the new year. I love looking back at the last year, 2016 here, and seeing what I learned, what the challenges were, what the successes and wins were, how amazing the year was, and I’m looking forward to 2017 and seeing what I want to create. And we’re going to do some fun stuff with that in this episode and the next one.
To start though if you’ve been listening to this show, or this is your second episode, or maybe your 30th episode, if you’re enjoying it, if you’re benefiting from it, I want you to do me a favor. Go to iTunes or your podcast app or wherever you downloaded this from, and give the show a rating. Ideally a five-star rating. Assuming you think it deserves that. Which it does because it’s awesome. But giving it a great review, that supports me, that helps me in a ton of ways, because then I can reach more people which is my mission. I want to reach those people that are thinking that they’re stuck, that there’s something wrong with them, that they’re broken, and I want to reach them, and help them see, and like you, many people find me for the first time through the podcast. Also interestingly enough, once you have more reviews, then guests who you want to interview, other amazing people who can help us and learn, I can share their insights with you, they start to take you more seriously and are more willing to say yes to interviews, if they see that you have ton of reviews. So it will help me reach more people and it will help me get more amazing guests on this show. So it is a win win win and you feel good, because you help me out. So do that if you can, preferably now-ish.
And, speaking of now, that’s what today’s episode is all about. Now is the time. We have so many reasons to delay. So many excuses. So many ways that we’ve resigned ourselves. Just kind of settled in different areas of our life. In fact, maybe take a look at your life right now. Where have you maybe just resigned yourself, or settled for something less than you want, or maybe less than— on some level— you know you deserve? And it can be in any area, right? It could be around big area in this show, a topic like relationships, because social anxiety affects all relationships. Maybe you don’t have the friendships you want. Maybe you don’t have the relationship with co-workers and colleagues that you want. Maybe you don’t have the level of a career influence and success that you want. Maybe you don’t have the dating relationships, or you’re not on a romantic relationship in the way that you want. Where have you settled in your life? Where are you settling right now? And where are you telling yourself, “That’s just how it is. See I can’t be any better for me. Oh yeah maybe for other people but not for me, because I am… I am messed up, I’m weird, I’m awkward, I’m not healthy enough, I’m not capable enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not smart enough. It is not for me. I’m not attractive enough for that.” Where are you selling yourself a story that is keeping you stuck in resignation, keeping you from having what you really want? It’s good to think about that and it’s good to reflect on that. And if it’s a little uncomfortable, if it feels a little negative like, “Nah, I don’t want to look at that.” Good! Good! Because dissatisfaction is what moves us more than anything else. Desire for something great— pleasure— that moves us. But guess what moves us more? That’s right, pain.
Pain is twice as likely, twice as motivating as pleasure; moving toward something that we like. And so when we look at the things that we’ve settled and we feel something negative, that’s actually good. If we can harness that, that’s the power. That is more powerful than that desire for something great. Desire for the relationship. Desire for the career success. Desire for the friends. Whatever your desire is, that’s not as powerful as a dissatisfaction of not having it. The frustration and the pain of not having it. That gives you energy, that gives you drive, that gives you commitment, that gives you power, and now is the time to access that. Not later, not maybe.
That’s why I love the new year, right? Because it brings it straight into context. Like, “look dude another year has passed.” Sometimes this happens on people’s birthdays too. Another year has passed. And where are you? Are you on track? Are you progressing? Have you made it in the area that you want? Or at least, are you progressing? Are you feeling great about it? Because you know what I found after doing this for many years? It’s not necessarily getting the girl, getting the relationship, getting the whatever, it’s the progress that we make towards it that feels good. That’s where you feel good. So you can be really far from your goal but if you’re making progress, if you feel like it’s possible, and you’re taking small steps, you’re going to feel good. Unless you got some perfectionism thing beating you up, “You’re not there yet, you suck.” But if you give yourself a break and you’re just acknowledging your progress step by step, that feels good. And now is the time to activate that. So if you’re feeling dissatisfied, good. In fact let’s work with that. Let’s amplify that.
In fact, I want to tell you a story from my own life that changed me. How dissatisfaction was my saving grace; it was my savior. It helped me shift the course of my life forever and for the better, by far. Stay tuned, I’m going to share that story when we get back, right after this.
Recently someone asked me, “What was the turning point for you Aziz where you really shifted… out of shyness and social anxiety into being a more confident person? What was the turning point for you?” There’s many ways to answer that question. When I reached a certain level of confidence or a certain level of ability, my mind immediately went to my apartment in Santa Barbara.
In 2004, I think. And I can see it right now. It’s got a bed, a closet, and a desk. And a computer on that desk that I played a lot of games on. A lot of WarCraft, and StarCraft, and other crafts, Command and Conquer… Command and Conquer: Red Alert was freaking awesome, by the way, as was War Craft III, as was DOTA, and Frozen Throne. I love all that stuff. But anyway, I played a ton of video games and I didn’t have a girlfriend. And I didn’t really talk to women that much. And one or two sort of quasi-girlfriend situations I had only last a couple weeks, and they basically approached me, and I was not attracted, and I was kind of totally uncomfortable in my own skin, so I ended it and had tons of stories about why I sucked and why I wasn’t attractive.
And what turned it all around was not desire. I desired a relationship. I desired to talk to women. I desired to be the confident guy that could approach women, and be suave and get numbers, and all that stuff. I desired all of that. I craved it. I was envious of the guys that could do that. I was envious of the guys who could stand up in front of a room and be bold and people who could speak in front of others and be charming. I was envious of all of that, I wanted it. But I didn’t really do anything about it, until the pain got so great. And then I had to do something about it. And the pain culminated, the peak of the pain, the top of the wave, the crest was after having worked up the courage to approach a woman, she said yes to go on a date, had what I thought was an amazing date only to have her blow me off. Without any reason, without any understanding, without any explanation, and this happened twice in a three or four month period. And right after the second time I remember the day it happened. It happened towards the end of the day, and I was on the phone with her, and we had one day and I thought it was great and I ask her to go do something else, and just her tone was so different. It was just kind of like, “No, don’t bother me.” It was painful. I remember I hung up the phone. There were flip-phones back in that day, like you flip it open Star Trek style. I snapped my flip-phone shut and went back to my place. It was getting dark as I got home. The sun had already set and I went up the stairs to the apartment, and I open the door, it was totally dark inside. I went to the kitchen and made some food, and then I went into my bedroom, turn on my light and was going to either play WarCraft or watch a replay… Watch a replay of WarCraft to study what people that were better than I did, so I could… always got to compete.
Anyway, so I went into my room and then I realized I wasn’t home alone, because I heard my roommate, who lived in the other room. I heard his voice through the wall. And then I heard his girlfriend laughing. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.” That’s all I could hear… it’s very accurate. Very accurate depiction of what I heard. I can feel it. It was like this ripping, tearing, painful feeling in my chest of “I’m never going to have that.” And I’ve thought that before, like “Oh I’m never going to have that. I’m not as good as them.” I have that sure. Tons of times, hundreds of times. But something was different that night because the pain reached a threshold point where something snapped and I said, “Fuck this!” and I got angry, I got fed up, I said, “God dammit no more!” At least that was the energy, I don’t think I verbally said it, but that was the energy. I was just like, “Naah!” And it was mobilizing anger, it was frustration that led to action. And that moment was like if you think of a fork in the road or a fork in a path. One path, the other path, and that moment I shifted off of one path and onto another.
That has led me to here, talking to you, whatever, 10 years later, no, 12 years, 13 years. I don’t know. Many years later. All because of that frustration. And that’s what we want for you. We want you to activate that level of frustration. So what area of your life right now is pissing you off because you just can’t get that shit handled? It’s the same thing again and again, as in you’re dating life. You just can’t. “Oh, there’s that person, I wanted to approach them but I just can’t, I just can’t. I just couldn’t do it again.” And that’s been happening for how long my friend, like months? Years of your life? Or maybe you’ve overcome one hurdle where you could approach someone and then they’re like, “No.” And you’ve never been the one who’s been desired. Every time you’ve wanted someone and have been really excited about them having been interested in you. Have you repeated that five times? A dozen times?
Maybe it’s not dating at all, maybe you’re happily in a relationship, and you have an amazing marriage or something like that but I guarantee there’s another area of your life. You’re sick and tired of being terrified to speak up in meetings. You’re sick and tired of being freaked out before you have to go into that meeting. So you go into the bathroom. You’re trying to calm yourself down, because you’re so fucking anxious. Maybe you’re goddamn sick and tired of that. And maybe you’re even pissed off.
Or maybe it’s something totally different, but you got to find what that is for you, and you got to tap in to that pissed off, I’m not going to take this anymore. Or you just going to be this slug that just likes flops down and life just squishes you and you’re like, “I just can’t do anything about it. This is how it is for me.” Are you going to step up? Are you going to say, “Fuck that, now is the time. Now is the time.” Because guess what? Now is the time. There is no other time for you to take action on this. There is no other time for you to begin shifting this. You might say I’ve already done some stuff on it. Get on a higher level of commitment. Get more activated. Get more determined. Get more certain. Get more relentless. Get more fucking unstoppable. Because that power is what’s going to drive you. And the only way to access that power is by getting frustrated and pissed off.
If you’re listening to this as a spectator and saying, “Wow he’s certainly getting a lot of emotion going.” Then join me, don’t just spectate. If you just take this as entertainment, it’s not going to do shit for you. You’ve got to feel it. You’ve got to activate it. You’ve got to access it. So if you’re not accessing anything right now, pause this, and think about it for a minute. Find the area that pisses you off. That you’re sick and tired. That you’re fed up. That you’re not going to take it anymore. And decide right now with me that you’re not going to take it anymore. That you’re going to do whatever it takes to break free. That you’re not going to let fear, or some bullshit story in your mind tell you, “You can’t.” That is totally fabricated, that has nothing to do with reality, that is actually designed to just prevent you from taking action and do shit that’s scary. Are you going to let that control your life? Control your destiny?
Imagine five years from now, if you haven’t changed this area, if you haven’t done anything significant, if you haven’t taken bold decisive powerful action, five years from now. Being single five years from now, being ignored and looked over at work five years from now, or everyone else that you’re working with is promoted above you and they are younger than you are and you’re in the same place. Because you didn’t take risks, you’re too scared. How about 10 years from now? Can you imagine a decade of your life going by, just dragging by or it’s the same, “I want to talk to them but I was scared.” Ten fucking years later. How many opportunities would you miss? How many potential friends would you never meet? How many lovers that maybe the most perfect partner for you in your life, which I do believe exists for you. Maybe they’re sitting 20 feet away from you and you never even know it, you never even met them, because you’re living the same pattern. Is that the kind of life that you want? Because guess what? You don’t have infinite time and neither do I. So think on this. I’m going to share more what I mean about that last part, in just a second.
Have you been thinking about it during the break? Are You fired up about something? Is there something you want to shift that you’re committed to shifting, and you’re going to do something about it? Are you committed to doing something now? Because I spent 10 years putting off doing anything that would scare me, that would push the edge my comfort zone, and it bled to that pain that night I was telling you about. And I decided that I had to shift. And I am fortunate in the sense that I discovered this early and I took action on it.
There’s one client that I was working with. Who didn’t start until he was much older. He was 43 when we started working together, and he’d done some therapy in the past and had some progress with it, but he wanted more and wanted someone who was specialized and known for helping people break free quickly from the shyness. He had tons of shyness, tons of social fear, tons of, “nice guy, I’m worried about hurting other people’s feelings and offending them and kind of afraid of people all the time.” So we started to do some great work around that. And I really grew to like him, to love him, to appreciate him and his humor. He had a great sense of humor. He was a really sweet guy, and he started to speak up more at work, started to become a lot more bold. He was going through a divorce pretty soon after we started to work together and completed that. And then wanted to start dating and he’d been in this marriage for more than 20 years, where many of it was unhappy and dissatisfying and so he started to make these big shifts. He started to be able to approach and talk to women, and he started to put an online dating profile up, and actually learned how to talk to women. He never really did that his whole life, and it was amazing. He came out to two of the weekends that I do and he would just be so bold out there. I have a memory of him laying on a sidewalk as a comfort zone challenge. Laying on the sidewalk. But he picked a sidewalk that was between a food cart and a tree. And so people literally had to step over him or walk off the sidewalk. He’s blocking the whole sidewalk, and he did it. And of course people just walked around, it was really weird to watch, but that’s the kind of guy he was. He was an amazing man, and then he was in my group program after he did some individual work with me. And he didn’t show up to maybe three group calls in a row. So I reached out to him and heard nothing. That’s strange. A couple weeks later he called me up and said, “Hey I have some news that I want to share with you.” So I was on the phone with him and he said, “Aziz, it turns out I have fourth stage lymphoma, and the doctors are predicting I have 4 to 6 months to live.” And he’s on hospice care. There is nothing they can do. I don’t even know if it’s lymphoma, I don’t remember the diagnosis, but it was some sort of cancer that was throughout his body. So much, to the point that they didn’t even recommend doing treatments because they didn’t think it will be effective. And then he talked to me one more time, and then he died. And it wasn’t four to six months, it was four weeks from the the first time I talked to him. Four weeks. Six months ago, he was feeling fine. He was jumping up and down, we do a lot of that in my events, activating our bodies and accessing our physical power. Jumping up and down, he was doing great. Now he’s dead.
It really impacted me in a lot of ways. I was just so surprised and I missed him because I really enjoyed talking to him. I enjoyed having him in the group, and he was a friend of mine. And it was a massive reminder to me of like, “Holy shit, we don’t have the time! I mean, we might, but we might not!” And you know what? Everyone that you love— we don’t know how much time there is with them either. And so now is the time. We want to wake up, we want to take action. We want to shift our life to start living it now because you might not have next year. And you might say, “Nah, It’s not going to happen to me,” but I am pretty sure Steve wasn’t like, “Yeah that’s probably going to happen to me, I’m probably going to die next year.” You don’t think he’s thinking it that way. None of us do. So we have to take that action and now is the time to do it.
So, what are you going to do? What are you committed to changing in this coming year? What is going to be the thing that completely shifts in 2017? Where maybe it’s plagued you, or bothered you, or challenged you for the last five years, 15 years, I don’t know. But no matter how long it’s been there, what is the thing that you’re going to take control of and shift forever in 2017? What is the thing that you’re so fed up, and so frustrated and you’re not going to stand to live another two years, five years, ten years, like that or just die having never solved it? That thing. The one you are thinking about right now. That’s right. That’s the one. Good! In fact that brings us to our action step.
Your action step for today is to find that thing, if you haven’t already, maybe you have to get crystal clear, and you’re like, “I’m sick and tired of this, I want to solve it this year.” Awesome! That’s your action step. It’s to find that thing, get committed, get clear, become decisive about it and resolve in yourself, that 2017 is a year that you’re going to turn all of that around, and shift all of it. Good! Now if you’re feeling excited, awesome! If you’re feeling a little nervous or scared like, “How can I possibly do it?” then good. Because anything is better than resignation, hopelessness, depression, and despair. Those are all signs that you’re just running and hiding from it and resigning yourself. That’s your soul trying to shake you and wake you up. And sometimes when we wake up there’s some anxiety, there’s some fear, that’s great. That’s the positive healthy energy that can support you.
In next week’s episode we’re going to look at how to create everything you want and more for 2017. So one of these major things that you’re going to shift, you’re already going to know for that episode. We are also going to look at all the areas of your life that matter. Your dating life and romantic relationships. Your health, your career, your finances, your friends, and family, and social life, your spiritual life, everything. We’re going to learn how to help you get everything you want and more. We’re going to take you through a powerful process to help you discover what it is you want, perhaps in a deeper way than you’ve ever done before. A way that’s going to give you more clarity than you’ve ever had before. This is something that I often do with private clients, something that is a part of their journey, and they invest a lot of money to be able to shift this and really transform themselves. And you can get this for free.
So stay tuned for that episode and until we speak then, Happy New Year. Happy end of 2016. I hope you can reflect upon this year and give yourself the successes, the wins, the seeing your value from this year even if you had challenging times, giving yourself credit, giving yourself love, forgiving yourself, supporting yourself, having compassion with yourself, believing in yourself. And I can’t wait to speak with you in 2017. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are, and to know on a deep level, that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.
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DeepSound – Rain Clouds
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Ask The Shrink:
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Justin Crosby – Skrillit
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Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
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