Real Confidence

Uncover The Pathway To Deep, Unshakeable Confidence

Do you want to have deep confidence in yourself? To feel so solid in who you are, that you have nothing to prove to anyone.

You just know that you are awesome and bring great things to any situation.

This is the difference between real confidence and bravado…

Click below to hear this episode!

Getting Real Confidence

Do you want to have deep confidence in yourself I am talking about rock solid confidence that is so ingrained into who you are that you no longer have anything to prove, no longer have to show anything to the world. You just know in your core who you are and what you bring to the world. That is the difference between real confidence and bravado. And that is exactly what you are going to learn how to get to in today’s episode.

Welcome to today’s show. Today, we are going to be getting into real confidence versus bravado ad how to tell the difference between the two and how to get more and more into real confidence and out of bravado. And you are going to learn what I exactly mean by that and really how to shift in your life.

So, this is going to be really valuable for you because this is about how to get to a higher level of confidence, a more stable level of confidence. It is going to serve you and every area of your life. Whether you want to meet someone for dating and relationships or you want to grow your business and increase your income or your career, rock solid deep real confidence is that pathway to get there.

So, today is going to be an awesome show. I am excited to be with you. If you feel like jumping to the conversation go to facebook.com/socialconfidencecenter. Like that page, join in there. And you can also go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com to learn more about the episodes and connect with me there, ask your questions, ask the shrink, etc. and while you are there or downloading this on iTunes please give the show a great review that will help me reach more people and spread this message because we have to free as many people from social fears, inhibitions, self-doubt in Operation Mass Liberation.

So help me free as many people and if you become free about means rate the show and let others know that it has been helping you so we can reach more people.
Okay. So let us get into real confidence versus bravado.

So, first of all, when I say bravado, do you know what that word means? Most of us have a sense and I had to look it up. So, bravado is a bold manner or a show of boldness, and so far so good bold, a bold manner or show of boldness intended to impress or intimidate. Not so good, right? So intended to impress or intimidate. And the reason I even thought of this whole idea for the show is just the other day I was having lunch with a friend.

And he told me about he was out at in a bar some place here in Portland, Oregon with some friends in a restaurant or something and he saw two women sitting at a table, eating. And they were eating pizza with a knife and a fork. And so one of his friends said, “I should go ask them about our comment on why they are eating pizza with a knife and a fork.” But then he just sat there. He did not do anything. I mean how many times have we been in a situation like that, right? “I am going to go do. Oh, I am not.”

So my friend, he is an amazing guy he is very confident, he has worked on himself a lot to get there, and he said, “Well, if you are not going to do it, I am going to do it.” And so he walked over to them and he said to them, “So I have a question for you, I notice that you are eating your pizza with a knife and a fork and my friends over there were being judgmental but I told them I knew you had a good reason.”

And he just humped into a conversation with them around that and if you are listening to that and be like, “Oh my God! How do you do something like that?” “Well, one is a lot of practice and two is guidance.” So, 30 Days to Dating Mastery will give you that guidance on how to get there. But you can. No matter where you are, you can.

I can do stuff like this. He can do stuff like this. You can do stuff like this. It is just a matter of building up your confidence.

But anyway, so gets into this great conversation with them, he is hanging out with them for a long time. One of his friends actually ended up bringing him his salad. He is like, “So you are going to sit with them now?” and he brought him the salad. Then all of a sudden this guy that was in their group who he just met that night, but a friend of a friend or something, comes up to him and he is just so angry and he is like, “What you are doing is fucked up, man. It is fucked up.” My friend is like, “I just stared at him. I had no idea what is happening right now? What did I do to this guy.” And the guy storms out like, “Let us go. We are going to go fight.” And he goes outside to wait for my friend to fight him.

I was like, “What did you do?” He was like, “I did not know what to do. I had not been yelled at like that in years. I did not know what to do.” And he was like, “I guess I am just going to go fight this guy.” And I was like, “Really? Like why?” “Shit, man. Should I go out there? That sounds crazy?”

But he went out there and turns out the guy like stormed off and then came back later and was all apologetic. That is not the main point of the story but the point was it really got me thinking about this idea of bravado versus real confidence.

Now, what that guy did was not bravado. I mean, I do not think that was intended on impressing anyone. That was just him losing his shit. But a subtler version of that happens all the time, doesn’t it? Where someone feels less  because they see someone doing something and they kind of want to fight them. That guy was just over the top traumatic but this happens a lot.

This happened a lot when I was younger when the guys would kind of posture in that way. And whether it is a physical fight like, “Hey, you want to go?” or as people get older and you get into the business environment it is more like, just putting each other down or one upping each other that sort of thing and it gets more subtle but it still exists.

So I thought, “Wow. We really have to cover what is real confidence versus bravado.” Because I teach people to be more bold in life and put themselves out there and other things and how to make sure we are doing this from a place of true confidence and not intending to impress or intimidate.

So when we are coming from a place of bravado, one thing that is happening is we have something to prove. So bravado is something to prove and real confidence is nothing to prove. You do not have to prove anything. And there are some layers to this because sometimes we get to prove something to other people and sometimes we actually we have to prove something to ourselves.

So let us look at that. I mean, the most obvious is we have something to prove to other people and that is we have to look  like, I have to make sure I look the most confident in the room,” or, “I have to look like I always know what to say,” or “I always have a great comeback,” or whatever it is we got something to prove to other people so that they will be impressed by us that they think we are good. And whenever we are trying to prove something, we are striving. There is a sort of a needy attached graspy quality to trying to prove something.

So even if we look like we are laughing really loud like, “HAHAHAHA.” If it is coming from a place of trying to prove something it is going to have the opposite effect of what we want and ultimately we are still going to feel insecure. And one of the distinctions between real confidence versus bravado is with bravado there is a lot of insecurity underneath and with real confidence we are just a lot more secure in ourselves.

And that security comes from not needing to prove anything to other people but also not needing to prove anything to ourselves. And that is a big one. That happens a lot, right? We have to prove that we are not afraid to ourselves or we have to prove that we are not bothered by something. And it does not really work. It is so much better if we are scared of something to just take a deep breath in and be like, “Yeah. I am nervous about that,” or “I am scared about that.” Okay. That is fine. That is alright.

And give yourself some acceptance and empathy and love and patience. I mean that is one of the fastest and best ways to address it, to deal with it. We do not have to prove something to ourselves. You know, we are always like, well, where does that come from the first place? It is like, “Well, if I am this way then I am okay and I am lovable and if I am that way then I am not.” Right? So we want to be in that lovable way to everyone else and even to ourselves.

So, one of the key insights from this to get real confidence is nothing to prove and you can just even remind yourself of that. Before you going to a social interaction just take a deep breath in and out and tell yourself, “I got nothing to prove. I have nothing to prove here. I do not need to control anyone’s perception of me. I do not need to impress anyone. I do not need to make anyone do anything. I got nothing to prove.”

And that can be really relieving and really relaxing and the sense of real confidence starts to emerge from that. So that is one of the first distinctions.

Another one is bravado is all about external significance and real confidence is about internal significance. So significance is the feeling of being special, worthwhile, unique, different, better than. It is a basic human need. We all have to feel special, unique, and worthwhile. There is nothing wrong with it. I do not want to demonize it like some people do like, “Oh, your ego just wants to be significant. You have to let that go.” I think that is just part of being human. But the question is how are we trying to get that need and with bravado it is external. And that is when you get the one upping situation.

“Oh, you did that? Well, I did this.” “Oh, that is a great story. Here is a better story that I am going to tell right now.” “Oh, yeah, you did that? Well, I sold twice as much as that.” And sometimes people are really obvious about it and that is really kind of a turnoff but people can often be more subtle about it. And they are just trying to maintain their significance. Or a lot of name dropping can be external significance. “Oh, yeah. I went to this place and I knew so and so and then I did this,” and they are trying to gain hat significance by having those external connections with those people.

Another one, a client I was working with when he went somewhere with a friend of his, if he was talking to a woman his friend would always kind of have to get in there and win her over. And his friend was married but do you see he need the external significance of, “Look, I am better than you with women,” or “she wants me more than she wants you.” He needed that external significance. So that is bravado.

Internal significance which is real confidence. Internal significance is knowing I am unique, I am valuable, I am different, I am special but from part of who I am and how I show up in the world. So rather than I have the nicest car, it is I am kind to people or I go the extra mile to get results for someone, or I showed up and I listened to that person, or I gave my all on that project, right? So it is about your values and your action rather than your stuff, your things. Does that make sense?

So the question I have for you is, what are some internal sources of significance that you can give yourself. Internal sources. For me, I love to learn and I am always kind of growing and expanding myself that helps me feel significant. Feel unique or special. Look how much I am taking and I am learning. Another thing that shows up is like I am constantly trying to find out how to be more able to give and receive love with my wife and my little son because I want to be an amazing dad.

An so that is like a practice that I am doing so let me see how much I can give love to my son. And I can draw a significance of that. You see, all those are internal sources about me and my actions and my values. So find what are those for you? So it is not about everyone responds positively to me or everyone likes me or I have the nicest stuff. You have to find that internal significance. That is another distinction between real confidence and bravado.

What comes out of that is when someone has that external significance, that bravado, there is a constant need. They are constantly trying to preserve that significance because it is always threatened. Because if you get your significance from, I am better than everyone when talking to women, then anytime there is anyone that seems better than you, you are threatened. Or I have the nicest car or the nicest watch all of a sudden you see a guy with a nicer watch and you are freaking out about it.

So, you are trying to preserve it constantly versus the real confidence you just know your significance because it is coming from inside. Does that make sense?

So we are going to get into a few more powerful distinctions here especially about how to let go what others people think of you. You free of that fear of they are going to like me or they are not going to like me and you are going to learn how to get to a place of real confidence around that as well.

So, what is another distinction between real confidence versus bravado? With bravado the person cares a lot about what everyone thinks and real confidence is you do not care as much what others think. So bravado might look like you do not care like I look tough, “Yeah. I do not give a shit what people think of me,” and sometimes we do that to ourselves and we try to put on this powerful exterior like, “I do not give a shit of what people think of me,” and we are trying to make a show of it. A show of that boldness to prove something to other people or maybe even try to prove something to ourselves. Remember we are going to let that go.

So, how to really get to that place of real confidence, of not caring so much of what others think is really to completely and deeply love and accept yourself even if you are caring what other people think. Because we do not want to make a show of anything. We do not want to try to prove something to ourselves. So you can try to remind yourself like it does not matter, I do not need to impress anyone. But let us say you are in a situation and all of a sudden there is this person you are talking to and you are like, “Oh my God, I hope they like me. Oh, I hope this works out. I really want to work with this person. I hope they hire me. I hope she likes me,” whatever it is and you notice you really are caring about what other people think.

A lot of us will try to use bravado in our own minds like, “I do not give a shit. Stop, I do not care. I do not care.” But you do care. I do care. We do care. So how do we be free of that though from restricting us. All, we just have to own it and send that love. Take a deep breath in. Feel it and wherever you feel in your body, you feel tight in your chest, or you are squirmy in your stomach you get butterflies.

Just focus on that and breathe and say, “Even though I am really worried about what this person thinks that is okay. I love and accept myself. It is all right. It is okay. And ultimately I know that it is all right either way if they like me or do not like me and it is okay to have this feeling,” and the thing is the more you just relax into it and set love and acceptance and self-love and acceptance. Guess what? The more it evaporates. The more free of it you are.

So instead of trying to force your way out of it you just accept it. You just send that love and patience and it is all right. I know it is a little comfortable but it is okay. It will pass and all of a sudden things start to open up.

Now if you are thinking, “wait a minute, Aziz. How am I going to do this when I am in the conversation with the person?” Well, just do the best you can and then afterwards is when you can do this or before the next interaction you have with that person. So you can really give yourself that attention, that love, and that acceptance.

So another distinction between real confidence versus bravado is bravado is highly sensitive to rejection or slight. Highly sensitive. They might look like they are trying to be tough like, “I do not care.” You will see bravado guys when they get rejected and does not go their way they are like, “Whatever.” And that is not real confidence. Rea confidence is you are resilient and you bounced back from rejection.

So, it might not get to you and if you work on yourself a lot and really love who you are and accept yourself then a lot of rejections would not bother you. But sometimes they will. Sometimes they get in. No matter how much work you have done on yourself and if we are trying to prove something to ourselves and hoist ourselves up with bravado and I hope you are getting from the show that a lot of the bravado is not what we do outside it is how we try to deal with it ourselves inside of our own heads.

So I am really helping you try to make this distinction both in the outer world but also in your inner world and the way to get and the way to get to real confidence is to be resilient and bounce back from rejection. And that means when you feel rejected you are going to do the same thing. You are going to relax and you are not going to try and push it away and just going to be like, “Wow. Okay I am feeling rejected right now.” Well, let me first and foremost send myself love and acceptance. It hurts to feel rejected. It does not feel good. All right. Then send yourself love and acceptance.

You do not want to get on the bandwagon in your mind that is saying, “Yeah. You suck. Of course you got rejected because you are a loser.” You just want to send this love and acceptance to your heart, to your body, and they you may want to work with some of the meanings of the rejection which is something I teach in a number of my different programs. It is like what does this mean to me? How can I shift the meaning?

So, there are a lot of tools to use but the key thing there is to acknowledge what is happening, send yourself love, and work with it rather than try to just push past it with bravado.

One last distinction I want to share about this which can be really life-transforming is that bravado mocks expressions of love and real confidence is able to freely give and receive love. So whenever we are like mocking an expression of love like we are rolling our eyes at it or we think it is stupid or I would not do something like that or we push it away when someone tries to express love to us or we hold back and we judge it in ourselves, that is bravado.

That is trying to look tough and bold to impress to intimidate others whereas someone who is really confident themselves is able to give love super freely and receive love completely openly and this is a lifelong practice. I am not saying we get there and we are done. It is an ongoing practice. That sort of tough guy shell or exterior that I got to look like Clint Eastwood from a western or something, that is not true. That is not real confidence.

Real confidence is being able to look at someone and say like, “Wow! I am having such a great time with you. This is awesome. Thanks for coming out.” Or being able to tell someone like, “Man, I am so grateful that you work with me or for me.” Whether it is an employee of yours or maybe it is your supervisor or your boss. “I am so grateful to be working here. This is awesome. You are an amazing supervisor,” or “You are an amazing employee. I am so happy to have you as part of the team,” or someone that you are with, a partner, a girlfriend, your wife. “Honey I love you so much. I am so grateful that you are in my life.”

The more you can do things like that, I mean I do have friends too, the more you can just deeply express your appreciation and love for people the real more confidence you have and developed. And the more that they love you back and it is just this positive cycle, this win-win, and anything where we kind of have to hide it or posture it like, you know this often happens with men, instead of saying like, you know it is really hard for guys to say I love you to each other, by the way. And there is this whole movie that makes a joke about this with I love you, man, where we have to throw something in the end.

And sometimes they will, right? Because I am not 100% there totally in real confidence all the time. Like for example I was hanging out with a friend the other day and at the end of it I was getting to my car and I said, “Much love to you.” And then he said, “I love you, too. And I was like, “Thank you.” But I also saw in that moment like that is what I wanted to say like, “Hey, I love you,” and you can say their name like, “Hey. I love you, Ben.” But you do not, right. Because you are like, “God that is weird. Ugh, bravado. Masculine. Must maintain something.”

And when he just said that back to me I was like, “Aw, man. That was awesome.” I can learn from him, right. And we can always be leaning and growing in this area. So that is just one last distinction I wanted to give you for this real confidence versus bravado.

So, before we get to end the show that leads to our action step for the day.

Your action step for today is a simple one and it is a little one but it is just to notice. Notice when you go back and forth between real confidence and bravado and we are doing it all the time. Like that example I just told you about how I parted with a friend. I would look for that kind of stuff. And do not make yourself wrong if it is bravado. Good God. That is only going to send you backwards. No. Just notice it. Be patient with it. Smile at it. Laugh at it. Look at all the funny things that we do to try to preserve our self-esteem and preserve our image and instead just relax, take a deep breath, and know that you can let it go and the more you let it go of the need to impress others the more you just let go and are expressive, more free, know your internal significance, treat yourself with love and acceptance when you do feel pan or rejection, and just really settle into who you are.
That is where that real confidence comes from and that emanates like no other. The more I get to that place, the more people are drawn to me, the more things just happen in my life. If you are interested in creating a dating relationship the more women are going to be drawn to you. I mean, it is endless what can grow from that real confidence.

So thanks so much for joining me. I would love to hear your thoughts and your comments. Go to facebook.com/socialconfidencecenter and join in the conversation. Share your thoughts, your feedback, your questions. I would love to see you on there and until we speak again.

May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.

Music Credit

All music is licensed or royalty free.

Intro:
DeepSound – Rain Clouds
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Ask The Shrink:
Boccherini Minuet
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Action Step:
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
(Licensed through Pond5.com)

Outro:
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
soundcloud.com/lokfield
(Creative Commons License)

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