Discover How An Ordinary Guy Broke Free From Shyness To A Life Of Confidence
Do you ever doubt that you can achieve greater confidence in yourself and a better, happier life?
Join in for today’s show as Dr. Aziz interviews a former client who shares the insights, breakthroughs, and transformation of his journey from shyness and low self-esteem to ever-increasing confidence in himself.
Click below to hear this episode!
Get Inspired with Today’s Success Story on Growing Your Confidence
Welcome to today’s episode of the show and today is going to be an inspiring episode, an inspirational episode. Perhaps they all are but this one is special because in today’s episode I’m actually have mastered stuff for decades or something but they’re a real person just like you who was really stuck in shyness and really limited who step by step figured out how to break free and I love this. This is another interview I do a success story with a former client who really just took charge f his life and I find him incredibly inspiring. And not only that but he is very articulate in how he can describe kind of how he was thinking where he was at in his life and then where he is now. And not only that but the steps that he took, the stepping stones, the path. And so if you listen to this interview with him, his name is Matt, and you really apply what you learn you can follow in his footsteps just like thousands of people that I’ve had the privilege of interacting with either directly or in groups or through one of my products or programs or through this show or YouTube channel. Whatever it is I’ve gotten so much feedback from the world out there and people who are saying, hey I’m applying this stuff and this works.
And so if you’re coming to this episode you’re kind of like, yeah, but my situation’s different or I’m worse or I’m not as good looking, and you’re in that place of all the reasons why maybe it won’t work out for you, I’m so glad you’re listening to this today because you’re going to leave here with a newfound sense of energy, an inspiration and hope knowing that you can shift your life whether you want to get out of a place of a lot of shyness and a lot of stuckness to average functioning being able to have conversations with people or you’re kind of already there but you’re limited at work and you want to break through that ceiling and just have more interactions, better interactions, rise to levels of management or leadership or increase your sales, or you’re in your own business and you want to be able to reach out there and network with people in your industry, you know. Wherever you’re going, whatever your goal is it’s the same process. And you’re going to learn about the magical steps of that process from Matt.
So without further ado, let’s jump into our interview with him.
Dr. Aziz: My guest interview today is actually with a fellow named Matt and Matt is a former client of mine someone I worked with actually and got a chance to see him kind of firsthand go through some really powerful transformations and really started to see Matt apply things in his life and get some key distinctions that I think from my perspective have really expanded his life and we’ll get a chance to hear from him, what he experienced, and what he learned but this kind of falls into my success series stories. People who really, you know, through working on themselves are able to achieve a much higher level of confidence. So thank you so much for joining us for the show, Matt.
Matt: Oh yeah, yeah. Thank you, Aziz, for letting me be on.
Dr. Aziz: You are most welcome, man. And let’s just start with so guys can kind of get a sense of maybe where you were. So before you really started to me before we ever talked can give a little snippet of maybe what your life was like, maybe some of the challenges you were facing just so we know where you were starting from.
Matt: Yeah, yeah, totally. So basically throughout well I’ll go back to high school. Basically once I entered high school middle school was pretty good for me, I was confident in who I was I didn’t really have a hard, you know, time connecting with my classmates or making friends and then I got to high school and that kind of all changed in the 9th grade. And I kind of I don’t know I guess I started kind of seeing kind of almost like creating clicks in my mind, you know, groups within the student body like these are the cool kids, these are the nerds, these are like the weird kind of like the stereotypical, you know, something you might see in movies and TV and I identified myself as, you know, one of the nerds, one of the I don’t know I thought I thought of myself as like, you know, kind of like a loser socially and just like a very bad thing. And the friends I carried over from middle school a lot of them went to the same high school and they were all kind of the same I guess in the same group that I considered my self but since I associated it with like a negative worth like social worth, you know, and I wanted to be seen as like disconnected from them and more towards like the popular like cooler crowd I basically disengaged with my friends and kind of ended up with no friends throughout high school in order to avoid looking like something I didn’t want to be in the eyes of people, you know, I didn’t even know.
And then I carried over into college I was living away from home. I went to Linfield in McMinnville and really kind of the same pattern I didn’t really try to connect with anybody unless they gave me like an over invitation that I’d be welcomed to hang out with them or welcome to talk with them and I found that rarely happened so most of the times I was really just alone didn’t really know a lot of people there, wasn’t really a part of any group much like in high school and really my self-esteem just, you know, naturally kind of just went down and continued to go down until I really, you know, that just I wasn’t happy at all and I needed to, you know, start looking and making some changes.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. I love it. You said some really interesting stuff in there one of them was kind of wanting to look better in the eyes of people that I didn’t even know and I think I and so many people can relate to that, you know, when we’re trying to look better so they whoever the they is might look more favorably upon us. But also you said, I wouldn’t go interact with people until I got a very clear invitation maybe almost an over invitation like, yes, come talk to me. And as a result it sounds like, you know, that didn’t happen very often and so you didn’t have a lot of interactions.
Matt: Yeah. I mean I was waiting for somebody to basically like invite me to talk with them or to sit next to them or yeah, like you said and basically I just kept on waiting and it rarely happened and so.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, yeah. And then on top of that this perception of yourself this kind of identity of, oh I’m not one of the cool people, I’m not desirable, I’m kind of a loser.
Matt: Yeah. Yeah. I think I could’ve had this idea in my head that if I wasn’t, you know, this unpopular loser guy I’d be getting these invitations, you know, constantly from strangers. They’d just like be like, oh you’re so cool I have… And so it’s like since I didn’t get that I’m like, oh that must, you know, mean something bad about me like, you know, it was basically just validating that, you know, false mindset I had about, you know, how social interactions basically work like yeah.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. That’s a really interesting point. We have this idea like I’m a loser and then the evidence that we take in from the world around us kind of seems to verify that and further that belief. So, yeah, I think you really eloquently described. That’s definitely the situation I was in for many years and I know, you know, people listening might really identify with some of the perception of themselves and some of those hesitations about reaching out to people.
So what would you say, you know, shifted as we started to work together what are some of the things that you learned about reaching out to people, maybe about yourself, and you know whatever comes to your mind first we can kind of peel back and see what’s there. But what are some of the major things that you learned?
We’re going to pause here and take a quick break and then jump back in to our interview with Matt.
Matt: Well I think, you know, at first I learned a lot just by, you know, really basically saying hi to people I didn’t know, really connecting to them in a kind of just, you know, casual, fundamental, basic, whatever you want to call it level where it’s like I’m passing them on the street I tried to greet them and a lot of people greeted me back and I was kind of surprised by that. I thought most people wouldn’t want to be bothered by me and that, you know, I should just, you know, like me reaching out to them was like a nuisance and inconvenience or something like that and I found that I got more positive reactions than I expected and over time the non-reactions really bothered me less and less. I really didn’t get any negative reactions maybe one or two there but most of the times it was either, you know, people would be like, hey, how are you doing back to me or smile at me or they just like completely ignored me and be in their own kind of zone. But I didn’t get the reactions you know I was expecting. I kind of like the, you know, those glances that say like don’t bother me or why are you talking to me, you know, that kind of thing.
Dr. Aziz: Oh yeah. You’re a terrible human and I’m repulsed by you how dare you connect with me.
Matt: Yeah. And so and I found that like most, it’s a little hard to describe clearly but for a long time like in high school and college I had this idea that certain people were like better than I was for some reason. Maybe it was the way they looked, maybe it’s because they have lots of friends, I think they’re really attractive or tall or in really good shape or something. Id’ be like who am I to try to associate myself with them, you know? Like they were on a level above me and when I was greeting all sorts of people I said hi to those people as well and they were, you know, warm and pleasant to me back and I’m like, you know. It kind of just disproved that idea that, you know, they were much different than I was, you know.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah and that’s actually a really good point because I think.
Matt: They’re just people, you know. Yeah, yeah.
Dr. Aziz: Absolutely and so many people I think have that idea like, oh that person is superior to me and one of the things you point out is well they do seem more confident or they do seem more popular and how did you get around that? How did you, so at first you started to just interact with them like they were other humans and not distance yourself but how did you start to shift that perception of yourself that you think is somehow less than they were?
Matt: I think at some level I always kind of believed I was, you know, I had the same level of worth as they did but, you know, there’s always that voice that’s really powerful like there are two voices in my head. One was like, I’m a pretty cool person, you know, I can hang out with them but that was quickly overpowered by like, no you aren’t like don’t *0:14:00 to them. Like they’ll just reject you or you’ll say something stupid or you’ll get embarrassed and it’ll be uncomfortable. But as I interacted with more people I just started getting kind of showing myself a little more outside of myself that I thought was cool and was funny or smart or interesting or whatever and I started getting, you know, incremental like positive responses like this person would laugh at my joke or this person would smile at me when I looked at them or I could stroke up a conversation with this person just as I could with anybody else. And I just kind of used my kind of what I already had there that I was like too afraid to really show people because I just had low self-esteem at that point and it just started to gradually kind of shift to that perception that, you know, the things that I had to say or thought about or just those aspects of my personality were, I mean just as appealing as what they had going for them. I’m not sure if that really answers the question or makes much sense but hopefully I kind of you get what I’m saying.
Dr. Aziz: I think I do. I mean one of the things that I hear there is that you changed the way you saw yourself and stopped believing that other people would see you so negatively that, other people would be so dismissive, that all these negative predictions about how social interactions were going to go and the thing that I hear coming loud and clear *0:15:59 to what you’re saying that dissolve that for you or really helped in that process was doing it. Multiple times in there you said, eh, and so when I did go talk to them or when I did put myself out there here’s what really happened and I think that so many of us can stay stuck because we’re not putting ourselves out there we’re not taking those little risks each day.
Matt: Yeah. I would definitely agree with that and I think what was so powerful about me taking action and what really helped me was that approved that, you know, that other voice in my head like you said like what it was predicting actually didn’t work out. It wasn’t true. It’s like you know, a narrative I was telling myself to keep me kind of in the same spot and keep me what I was used to which was being unhappy but that was what I knew, that was what was comfortable, you know. And so yeah it was just like by taking the action I was saying like is what this kind of voice that tells me, you know, not to take risks because, you know, you’ll get embarrassed or it’ll be really bad if you get embarrassed I get to feel really bad about it. And most of the times I find it either that didn’t happen or when I did get embarrassed it didn’t last very long it passed quickly and I moved on to the next person. Like it really helped me just I would say now I can really just something I couldn’t do a few years ago is just let things go much more and not dwell on like a slip up I made when I was talking to somebody or like analyzing anything I do so much like watching myself.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, sure. And I think a really I remember a really powerful moment for me in hearing from you in your story was this kind of turning point where I’m hoping you’ll share a little bit about that where there was this I think a family friend a relative or family friend that you kind of grew up with and you always had sort of compared yourself to him *0:18:28 real social, he’s really good at talking, and there was this moment I remember you were telling me about when you were at some family gathering and something had shifted in the way that you saw him and the way that you saw yourself. Can you share a little bit about that experience.
Matt: Yeah, yeah, Definitely.
Dr. Aziz: We’re going to pause here and take one more break and then get back into the conclusion of our interview with Matt.
Matt: So yeah, This guy is my cousin and I remember I think that’s probably when I entered like high school age. As a kid I remember I was pretty close to him. Me and my brother, you know, played video games with them and like played basketball and I really just saw us like equals. I wasn’t afraid to like say or express like what I considered my dorkiness like around him. But then when I got, you know, into my teens like I think I really just kind of like closed up a bit around him and saw him as like just like wow he’s much better looking than I am, he has much better like physique, like he has a girlfriend I don’t, at dinner parties he is making everybody laugh I’m not talking to anybody, he’s not talking to me which I mean he’s the cool guy he’s not talking to me that’s just what, you know, I’m used to like it just proves that, you know, there’s something wrong with me. But then yeah, you know, after a couple of years of work we had this family reunion in the summer and I saw him again for the first time in several months and he was the same old Michael he was just as, you know, kind of he could take over a room with his personality, he could you know tell stories and have the whole you dinner table listening to him, he could be the center of attention and in the past that would definitely make me feel like just like small or insignificant or invisible like just I didn’t really have like a place in the conversation like there wasn’t lie room for me to also be kind of like you know that kind of thing. And so i was at the family reunion I was just so and he was the one to tell what a difference he noticed that I was just so much more comfortable around everybody, I was talking with you know aunts and uncles who normally I would dread talking to a few years ago just because I’m like it just made me uncomfortable like I feel like I didn’t have anything to talk with them about or they’d just like pester me with questions and I’d be like interviewed but like I don’t know I just felt like, you know, I’m an adult now just like they are. I’m on their level like I can ask them questions. Like I can direct the discussions just like Michael does.
And I was just much more I just felt a much greater sense of freedom to just be however I wanted. If I didn’t want to, you know, be the center of attention in a group or whatever I would no longer like feel bad about that or take it as, well that’s because like you don’t have the personality or that’s because, you know, you’re too afraid to do it or, you know, whatever other story I might be telling myself at the time. I could just be free to like sit back and enjoy what was going on and then when I had something to say I’d you know I just blurt it out then Michael would say something then I had like riff off of what he said, you know. It was just totally different than really how I’d been in probably like 15 years since I had known him. And, yeah, I really just attributed to just taking small actions consistently, consistency I think was definitely one of the keys and just yeah. Every action, every time I reach out to somebody was just like another example of, you know, my old way of thinking not being an accurate reflection of really reality and it was just like, it’s really kind of a big relief to feel like I could really be myself and not have to try to, you know, hold something back or be kind of a certain portion that people expected I would be since they haven’t seen me and so on or I don’t know. There’s just it’s really refreshing and it’s really positive for me.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, absolutely. And I think a sign of lot of confidence to show up to a situation and trust that we can be ourselves and make jokes that we want to make and not overthink what we’re going to say and I think that really is a sign of that growth.
Matt: Yeah. And I would say it’s I mean of course that was like my family and extended family but that’s definitely extended to like my co-workers, like people who aren’t like related to me and I don’t know, I mean he can say well, yeah you can be confident around people who, you know, love you because they’re your family, you know. But like basically strangers and my co-workers have had since I’ve been working and since that experience in the summer I’ve you know found myself able to approach it with pretty much the same mentality. Like in the break room people I get along with at work if like 3 or 4 are up there I can feel like free to just kind of like crack jokes and use like my kind of sense of humor. And sometimes they laugh, sometimes they kind of just like brushing me off and like talk about a different subject and I just kind of roll with it and, you know, just try *0:25:49 leadership role in the engagement, you know, instead of like I wouldn’t feel like waiting for like people to try to, you know, kind of get me included in what was going on just trying almost force my way in there in a sense.
And so I feel like just increased confidence really helped me with that as well. So it extended far beyond just the family reunion.
Dr. Aziz: Sure. And yeah when we are willing to initiate, to dive in, to insert ourselves into situations, conversations we have a lot more interactions we have a lot more opportunities and yeah that big welcome mat of people saying, hey let’s stop what we’re talking about and invite this person in. That’s pretty rare.
Matt: Like for example I think somebody to say, Matt,, what do you think about this? Like in the conversation what they’re talking about and…
Dr. Aziz: Everyone, everyone, Matt has the floor. Go ahead Matt.
Matt: Yeah exactly. And now I just kind of add that spontaneously without you know, without somebody trying to kind of you know usher me in to the conversation.
Dr. Aziz: Awesome. Yeah just giving yourself that permission needing to hear it from someone else.
I think you said so much in there about how to develop that confidence and I’m wondering if you have some words for someone who’s listening who, you know, is where you were at towards the beginning of your journey. Where you had a lot of that negative predictions and being down on yourself, you know, and they’re listening and they’re thinking, aww, man, I want to be able to do that but I don’t know if I can. It’s going to be real uncomfortable, is it really going to work anyway like, what would you say to someone who’s in that, you know, wanting to grow but also a little wary or skeptical?
Matt: Yeah. I would say I mean to definitely start with kind of low risk interactions like just saying hi to someone on the street that you don’t know I mean you never know what could happen. Most likely they’ll say hi back and you know that’s that but you could make their day or could lead to another conversation or even if nothing else comes from it at least you get the practice of you know that interaction and you really don’t have much to lose just by starting. And once you start it’s easier to keep going it’s really just the act of starting that seems the most daunting. And it’s like me you can really go at your own pace I went at probably a slower pace, well probably an average pace, you know. I probably could’ve tried to you know experiment with more interactions sooner than I did but even going slowly just starting with a few people a day or trying to talk to one new person really just making small talk like saying like, find it like realizing yourself in a situation where you have that opportunity and not shying away from it.
Like at the grocery store or I mean just like talking to the cashier like they’re used to it and you know it’s like a no pressure environment but it can still like really benefit you. And I found that a lot of people actually kind of like talking to, you know, they like when people seem interested in them and even just try to get to know them a little bit. And so yeah I would say t first it’s, you know, you’re going to have a few moments where it seems like it’s not working like you’re not getting the results you want and I feel like that’s also another he’s kind of not expecting things to happen like a certain way right away. Like my experience has been everything has kind of built on itself. Like it has been a process. It has been a fairly warm process but it’s not something that I feel like if I tried to rush it I feel like it would’ve led to a little more like discouragement or frustration by just giving yourself permission to be like, you know, not beating yourself up for not I don’t know for not really being super successful at your first tries.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. I think I remember we had some conversations because I know you’re really into basketball and we kind of likened it to practicing a certain kind of shot like a 3-pointer and, you know, consistency is huge and if you said, okay I’m going to practice like crazy for the next 3 days and therefore I’m going to become amazing at 3-pointers that kind of sets us up for that discouragement or that frustration because it’s yeah, you have to learn it over time. But if you said, you know, I’m going to go out there I’m going to shoot whatever 15, 20 shots every day or 3 times a week I’m going to go out and shoot 30 that is how you start to build up that momentum and cumulative effect.
Matt: Yeah. And I would say the kind of the word would focus on that you used is momentum. I would say that’s definitely like once you get started it’s easier to continue. Once you stop and like you know take a break for a while it’s harder to pick back up where you left off but I mean there’s sort of like an end-point here you feel like, okay I’m there I’m done, you know. My work is finished. I feel like I’m still working on everything I’ve learned and I can still improve and get better and that’s kind of the fun part of it is just kind of the challenge in figuring out,, you know, how can I even further increase you know my happiness in myself and what I can do and get closer to, you know, just keep on setting goals. But yeah just the consistency and building that momentum I would say staring out is definitely key.
I remember I think one time we went to I think it was a whole foods downtown and I was just starting out and we were doing an exercise where I would ask like 5 people for the time I would ask them what time it was and at the time I thought it was, you know, really difficult and you were you know telling me that first person is if I can get past asking you know the first person I will just, you just keep on going. And so I’m like, okay. And so I did ask the first person and then we were walking around and you kept on picking up people for me to ask like the next person I pass and then the next person I pass and I just started doing it reactively and I wasn’t even like afraid or thinking about it after that first, you know, person. So it’s really just yeah I feel like it is just forcing yourself to really put in *0:34:14 and not just kind of hoping and waiting like I used to.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah that’s a big one. The hoping and the waiting and I love what you described. I remember that. That was fin when we did that and there’s something about inertia, you know, when object at rest wants to stay at rest and when whatever it is the first anything that first high, the first asking someone question, you know, if your work involves talking to people or making sales it’s the first call that you make. It’s always the first one because that’s when all the negative stories can build and build and build and build and create this invisible forcefield that’s trying to keep us from you know taking any actions, stay in the comfort zone. But then when you do it once, you’ve pierced through and there’s this really cool moment where you’ve pierced through and there’s all this gravity that’s trying to pull you back but if you just do it again and then again and then again kind of quickly after a few it’s like, you know, your rocket is kind of broken through the atmosphere and the gravitational pull is not so strong and then yeah, then it’s cool, then it’s like what else, what’s next. And I love that you’re, I’ve seen you still working on it still growing and myself included I’m always looking at what is my edge, what scares me? Because what scares us is also where we feel the most alive, the most excited. That’s where we can, you know, grow in our career, chosen field of study, businesses, or you know relationship or finding someone making your relationship more awesome. Wherever you’re at it’s always like that edge that we’re most alive in so I absolutely agree with that it’s a continual process and I really appreciate what you shared today, Matt.
I think it’s really going to help people listening to hear someone kind of go from exactly where, you know if you’re listening to this right now and you think, wow, sounds like I’m kind f where Matt was then take note of what he says.
Maybe you can go back and listen to this again and take notes, write things down, and if, you know, success leaves clues and if you follow in the footsteps that he’s talked about here you can get results. You can get a lot more confident around people I’ve seen it happen again and again and it’s always great to hear it directly from a source.
So thank you very much for joining is today for the show, Matt. I really appreciate it.
Matt: Yeah, no problem. Can I say one word?
Dr. Aziz: Sure! Final though of course. Bring it on!
Matt: Adding final thoughts but kind of if I can leave you know your listeners with one kind of message that I think I still use and has been one of the biggest helps to me is that it’s not really about you so much at least when you’re starting up like when you’re trying to engage with people and if those engagements don’t go the way you hoped or you feel like you’re bad at it like maybe you like come across just like maybe nervous and that gets like a certain reaction from people it’s like that’s okay. You’re making an effort for personal growth which is an extremely positive thing that not everybody like consciously does and so you should like warm pat yourself on the back with that but also like people who don’t know you if they react a certain way it’s almost always saying something about something internal they have going on and it’s not like a comment on your like individual work as a human being like I thought it was for me in high school or in college. Like if you’re working on this you will get a lot of like instances where it’s like,, oh that didn’t go the way I’d hoped or that didn’t go as well as I think it should or that didn’t do as well as I think I should at this point there. And it’s easy to just really take things personally and identify with them and that’s what I did and I don’t do it anymore and I’m in just a much better place by saying like, okay that guy seems grumpy it’s not because I tried to talk to him it’s because you know he has something going on. Or that person doesn’t want to talk to me it’s not because they don’t want to talk to me it’s because they’re in a rush and they don’t have time or something. It’s in any other setting they’d be happy to sit down and talk with me, you know. It’s not anything against me, it’s not personal and so.
Dr. Aziz: Yes, absolutely. I’m glad you inserted that. We didn’t conclude because that is a huge liberating insight to really see and attribute what’s happening not to some fundamental flaw in me and this, you know invisible badness that I’m carrying. It’s something’s going on. Mostly people are just stressed about something in their life or they’re uncomfortable, they’re irritated, they’re worried, or they’re upset and so when we don’t get the reaction we want we really want to start to see more and more. This is not about me. And what’s going on with them and you know that it’s true when you go do something like a small experiment where you do kind of the same thing again and again and you get a wide range of reactions and you’re not doing anything different.
Matt: Yeah, I don’t know. I guess I used to be maybe a little like egocentric. I don’t know what you call it in a way. But it was like I’m affecting everybody. I’m responsible of how everyone feels like if they’re not happy it’s because of something I did or because of something I said, you know. Like when that’s not *0:40:30 true and so it’s I don’t know. It’s really important to as best as you can try to remember that when you’re trying to, you know, make a change and work on yourself.
Dr. Aziz: Absolutely. I think that can really help us let go of some of that self-criticism of being overly responsible. So thank you so much for sharing that. I think that’s yet another a gem from Matt. Write that one down too. Awesome. Thank you again so much for joining us, Matt. I really appreciate it.
Matt: Oh yeah, yeah. No problem. No problem at all.
That brings us to the end of the interview and the end of the episode. But before we go we have to end with what we always end with which is your action step.
Today’s action step is to test something out. Remember how in Matt’s interview he kept on talking about how I had this idea in my head that this is going to happen and then when I tested it out, when I went and did it here’s what actually happened and it often was different or predictions are often wrong, overly negative, overly fearful, and the only way to prove them wrong to show to ourselves that we are capable, we are likeable, that people do want to talk to us is by testing something out.
So you got to get out there today or if you’re listening to this late at night then tomorrow find something and test it out. Notice one of those little predictions maybe a small one that says, oh they’re not going to like that, oh don’t make that joke, oh don’t go talk to those people. And do it. Just get out there and do it. Test it out and see what really happens and again along the way have a lot of compassion for yourself, be patient with yourself it’s a process, and it’s not about each individual interaction it’s about you stepping out there and working on yourself and being committed to doing it again and again and again and again and that is how you break free, that’s how you create extraordinary levels of confidence.
So thanks so much for joining us today. I had a great blast talking with Matt and hope you learned as much as I did from him as he has *0:42:50 tremendous amount to share. So thank you again to Matt. Thank you for listening and I look forward to speaking with you again in the future. Until we do.
May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.
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