How To Handle Setbacks With Grace And Confidence
How do you handle setbacks?
When something challenging happens and life isn’t going your way and you feel like you’re sliding backwards, how do you deal with that?
Setbacks are an inevitable part of life, and a key component of confidence is to learn how to handle this with grace, acceptance, and deep trust in yourself.
Click below to hear this episode!
Life Happens….Let’s Learn How to Handle It’s Setbacks in Victory
Welcome to todays’ episode of this show. Today’s episode is called, Regression is Inevitable. Regression is Inevitable. We’re going to get into that to teach you how to deal with those setbacks, how to deal with those times you feel down or depressed or like shits not working and you just want to give up. You’re going to learn how to work with that. You’re also going to learn how to deal with it maybe with the fear of as you do grow and get that strength, that confidence, that belief in yourself, a real common fear that I hear is, oh my God is this going to last? I mean, am I going to lose this? And so you’re going to learn about how to deal with all of that and just by the end of the show you’re going to have a much more relaxed sense of trust and confidence that you can handle anything that life throws your way.
So thanks for joining me today. If you like to jump in to the conversation go to facebook.com/socialconfidence. Like the page there and you can find out all about the future episodes and share your comments, etc. And you can also go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com. That’s shrinkfortheshyguy.com and join in, send me a message, ask me your questions there and I can roll them into future episodes.
So let’s talk about regression. What does that even mean? I mean, regression is kind of a, it’s a fancy psycho battle word and all regression means is to go backwards, right? It’s the opposite of progress. Progress is to move forward, to progress, to overcome a challenge, to do something you havent4 done before, to grow, to earn, more, to have more success, whatever that progress is for you. Regress is to go back, to move backwards, to slide backwards. And there’s this interesting thing where we all want perpetual progress and no regress. We only want to move forward, we don’t want to move back. We only want success we don’t want failure. We only want yeses we don’t wasn’t nos. We only want increases in our income not decreases. We only want more date snot no dates. More love not less love, right? So we want more. Progress. America. Right? But that’s not how life is, nothing is. I mean everything is cyclical everything has absent flows. Your breath comes in and goes out. In fact you remember that you’re breathing right now. And we just take a moment, feel your breath. In fact let’s do that together. Let’s breathe in for a count of 4, one, two, three, four, and then breathe out for a count of 6, one, two, three, four, five, six. Let’s do that one more time. Breathe in to a count of 4, two three, four, aahh and breathe out to a count of 6, two, three, four, five, six. Just remember that you’re doing that all day all life, your entire life, as you’re listening to me, as you’re going to work, as you’re talking to people, as you’re ordering your burrito. Whatever it is you’re breathing and just the more you can stay in touch with that the more confident you’re going to feel, the better you’re going to feel in your life. I mean that’s what every person who has got an ounce of wisdom who’s you know from the Buddhists to peak performance people it’s all about being able to stay in the moment with your breath.
So I just thought I’d sneak that one in there for you a little bit of a bonus coaching. But, regression is inevitable and regression means going back. So the first thing that’s going to help set you up to not collapse and feel so terrible if stuff’s not going your way is to know that it’s inevitable. It’s part of life. It’s going to happen. In fact, the Buddhist had a great idea about this. They call it the 8 vicissitudes of life. These are 8 things that are going to happen over the course of your life, over the course of a few years maybe even a few months or weeks that these things are going to come and go and it’s gain and loss , fame and disrepute, praise and blame, happiness and suffering. So we want to only gain, have fame, and praise and happiness, and we don’t want loss, disrepute, blame, or suffering. But what they’re pointing out the Buddhists are saying, hey these things are inevitable. And you can think about it regression is kind of like a loss, right? It’s like you have these gains and then you lose it so that’s just one of the vicissitudes which means it’s going to happen.
And the question is, how not if it’s going to happen or how do I stop it from happening, it’s how am I going to deal with it when it happens? That’s the real question. That’s the only question we need to ask ourselves. How am I going to deal with this when it happens because that will determine everything. Some of the more common ways of dealing with regression is fear is a big one. Oh my God! Oh my God! I’m losing everything. Everything’s falling apart. We go to catastrophe mode I’m going to, you know, if you have a regression in your income for example maybe you have a business and it doesn’t do as well one month or you work for a company and your hours are shifted or something. There’s this like, oh my God! Oh God I’m going to end up in a gutter. I’m going to lose my house. Right? We go to this catastrophe mode. So fear is one way of responding to regression.
Another way to respond to regression typically is this kind of hopeless discouraged nothing’s Eeyore, right? Nothing’s going to work out for me. I knew it, I knew it was too good to be true, aahh. And there’s this kind of self-pitying depressed, discouraged, I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up kind of response. And shit man I do it too. I’m not saying this is, you’re bad for having this but we just want to call it spade to spade we want to call ourselves out and say wow I’m going into that depressed state around regressing. That’s one of the biggest triggers for people to feel more depressed is they have a backslide of some sort.
So how do you deal with regression so far. In the past when you look back how have you dealt with it? And has it been optimal, suboptimal, sub-suboptimal? Real bad? I mean just notice it. There’s nothing wrong with it because it’s great if you’re listening to this then you’re going to find a better way to deal with it because it’s going to happen. That’s really what I want to hammer home this first segment. It’s going to happen. So let’s find a way to deal with it.
In fact we’re going to take a quick break and when we get back I have a great question from a listener that I’m going to get to. That’s going to talk more a little about this and we’ll dive into how to work with it, how to handle it, how to overcome it so we can get back into progress and feel better about ourselves.
Today’s question is from, ooh it’s from a lady. You’ve seen that segment it’s old school now maybe people *0:08:59 watched it but look up Ladies Man SNL. Actually SNL stuff is pretty restricted on the internet but maybe it’s old enough see if you can find it but Ladies Man SNL. He answers a bunch of questions, absurd answers, but whenever a woman writes in he says, ooh it’s a lady. SO this is from a lady. She says:
Hi, Dr. Aziz. I doubt I’ll get a reply but here it goes. Here’s your reply I think I replied by email, too, but anyway. I’m 26 a beautiful young woman not to praise myself but that’s what everyone says. I’m the youngest in my family and I’ve always been protected by my parents until it hit me that I’m 26 and I have no recollection of what I know for living for the past 26 years in my life. I can’t even handle simple social situations and I feel like running away from everyone and being alone. I don’t want to mingle anymore because I feel that I have nothing great to share. My memory is bad I forget everything and I feel very stupid. I’ve been in my job for the past 3 years and recently something happened and I totally became depressed and forgot about everything I have ever learned before. I feel like I’m a baby in a 26-year-old body and I don’t dare ask because I’m 26 and I’m supposed to know but I don’t. I feel like I’m dying. I’m not worthy of anything. I read your e-book, I watched your videos, but I don’t know how to do it and I know only I can help myself. What should I do?
And we’ll just call her S.
All right, well S thanks for sharing and it sounds like I mean this to me sounds like regression. This to me sounds like she’ in a place of suffering. So first of all my heart goes out to you and I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling and I think we’ve all been in a place where on some level it feels too much, we feel like dying, we feel like we’re not worthy, we feel like we’re not a grown up. I think we all on some level can relate. So you’re not alone and to me it sounds like you’re experiencing regression which it means as I said before going back. And maybe you experienced something that was tough that’s usually a trigger for regression, right? Like a fight, a mistake, a loss, even a memory of a bad past event. Whatever it is can cause this regression and when you regress it feels like you fall back to a much younger time in our lives. You don’t feel confident or capable. We forget things, you know. We feel like a failure, we feel small and insecure and want to hide. Those are all signals that we’re regressing and that’s why I wanted to share S’s question with you. Let’s call her Sarah, that’s not her name but S is weird to say a lot so call her Sarah. That’s why I want to include Sarah’s question because then you can have better insight as you’re listening when do I know that I’m regressing? Because you have to be able to identify or you’re going to be like, oh this is regression.
And o for me a great place that I know if I tend to regress is if I hang out with my parents for an extended period of time. It’s funny because when I’m recording this they’re actually visiting this weekend. But, usually when I first get there I’m like, excited, you know, on top of it it’s just great to see them. I love them. And then over the course of a number of days especially we spend a lot of time together I will find that all regress. Old patterns will kick in. I’ll be less assertive, you know. Because I’m pretty assertive in my life everywhere *0:12:26 around my dad for a few days and I start to get less assertive, I start to get more quiet. I start to, I don’t know I’ll share something and he doesn’t seem like he’s really listening and I’ll be like, no, I’m not worth listening to. And then I get kind of pouty. I mean it’s actually something I’ve been perpetually working on and making a lot of progress in but it still happens. Because, hey, regression is inevitable and that’s a place that most of us or a lot of people will regress is around family.
But, you know, anything can trigger it. And that’s all that you’re experiencing Sarah is a regression. It’s not who you are at your core. It’s not permanent and it’s actually a very important part of your growth. Let me get into that in a few minutes but when you’re in it, when you’re in this moment of suffering and regression can you treat yourself with kindness and compassion? Can you take care of yourself? That is the first and most important thing to do is we have to say, when you, first thing is like whoa this is regression. And hopefully you’re starting to notice some of the signs and signals of it and then you’re going to say the first thing you want to do if you fall out of place is, whoa, how can I take care of myself right now? It’s like a storm has hit and you got of kind to hunker down and make it through the storm, right? And beating yourself up, saying oh my God how could you do this, you’re a loser, that’s not going to help. Catastrophizing going into, oh my God this means the worst is going to happen and then this guy is falling, that’s not going to help. Taking care of yourself, that’s what’s going to help. And Sarah’s right. No one can do it for you. I can’t do it for you. I can only point the way and suggest and share, you have to do it. You have to take care of yourself. You have to say, how can I take care of myself? How can I treat myself with more compassion right now? If I love myself what will I say to myself right now? That’s going to be, a key step is to be able to take care of yourself in that way. And then once you’ve asked those questions and then done whatever the thing is to take care of yourself then you want to see how to uncover what’s happening here. Because that sort of the next step, one is to take care of ourselves during the regression and then two is how do we use the regression?
Regression is Necessary
So a really powerful transformation is when you can say regression is not only inevitable, it’s necessary and it’s good and I want it. No, I know I might be losing you here that’s a bit of a stretch. It might be like, dude I don’t want to feel hopeless, shut up. But stick with me. In fact we’re going to take a quick break and I’m going to share with you why I personally think regression not only is inevitable but it’s necessary and it’s awesome.
Welcome back. So let’s talk about how regression can actually benefit us. Oh and I also want to say one other thing to Sarah. Sarah, so as you’re listening to this hopefully you’ll be able to take care of yourself with more compassion then you’re also going to learn in this little bit here about how to use regression but also I want to say, you know, it sounds like you have a lot of really good things going for you. You have a job, you have beauty on the outside, and I can just tell from your email you have a thoughtfulness and a sweetness and a beauty on the inside and you sound very, very, very aware of all your flaws and shortcomings and I think the key for you is going to be start focusing on your strengths more and taking care of yourself when you make mistakes or have painful interactions. And I think a rally great place for you, Sarah, to start would be the confidence code because that program, you know, has an entire, the whole first half of it the first 3 modules are dedicated to optimal self-coaching how to take care of yourself, how to treat yourself better, and some of the things you’re saying like, I’m not worthy, I should know this by now, I just hear a lot of self-criticism and self attack and I think the confidence code is going to be the best place for you to start to really make that progress that you want and it’s going to give you a lot of tools to start taking care of yourself.
So, my heart goes out to you, you sound awesome, and who knows by the time you hear this you might have even kind of broken through the challenge that you’re facing. So how do we use regression, right? Because my philosophy is anything that’s going to happen in life, anything that’s inevitable, I want to be at peace with it or ready to use it and that ranges from anything. Like death is going to happen. So I don’t want to live my life terrified of death or, you know, loss is going to happen. So I don’t want to live my life, you know, pretending it’s not going to happen and *0:17:47. Let me deal with that. Let me be able to face that when it happens. And it’s the same thing with regression. If this is going to be inevitable how can I use this? So here’s how regression is incredibly valuable is because it’s a time of like going inwards and looking what’s happening here, you know. So if the trigger is you lose something in your job or you get rejected when you try to put yourself out there in a situation or a woman says no to you and she breaks up with you, that’s the time to look at what’s going on. How am I attached to something from the outside to try to give me happiness? That’s a big thing. Why do I feel like I need something outside of me that’s going to give me that happiness? What beliefs might I have that rally caused me suffering and how do I work on that?
So for example if I’m regressing around my family or my dad so that means that’s teaching me something, right? There’s something to discover there. If I dig into it and I look what is it teaching me? Well it’s teaching me, well what do I want from him? What do I need to say to him? How can I be more assertive? What questions could I ask and what could I say, right? So then I start to look at, wow this is actually beyond my dad. This is about assertiveness in life in general. Huh! All right so you’ll discover a toxic belief that you need to let go of. You’ll discover a new way of being that you might want to show up as in the world. You’ll discover something and then you put it into practice then you take the action, then you go do the thing and now regression has been the most valuable thing for you because it has led to the next level of your growth. So you can really think about regression as an inevitable part of growth. It’s like this you know we expand and we feel great and big and then we contract a little bit. And it’s a time to regroup, to look, to examine, to explore, and then we expand out again. So you can think of it as this like the flapping of the wings of a butterfly or the going in and out of the tide. It’s this process of expansion that goes in and out. And that’s what your growth is going to be like and if you hold it that way then you can use the regression and then, man, when you know that you can use regression then you’re not so scared of like a setback or a no or a failure or something not going away because it’s like, oh, okay, I’m going to learn from this. And you stop being so scared of negative feelings or painful emotions. You know that you can handle them, you can work with them, you don’t have to spiral out into them but you can just feel them, let them pass through you, see what you need to learn, and continue to move forward. Continue to progress. And the only thing that’s going to stop you from doing that is stopping is taking the regression and saying, oh my God this means that I lost everything that nothing that I did worked and it’s all over and it’s hopeless and I quit and now I’m going to stop.
And you know sad truth is a lot of people do that and you might have done that in the past. I know I have but when we learn this stuff, you know, the beauty of the human mind is once we learn something we can’t unlearn it. And if you’ve been listening to these shows you’re learning stuff that you can’t unlearn. So even if you do tell yourself it’s hopeless even if you do say you’re going to quit it’s not going to last, you know. Might be a week, might be a month, shit it might be a year but you’ll be back. You’ll be like, wait a minute, oh man, I know, I know, I’m responsible for my confidence and my life. Damn it! Right? So once you know this you can’t go back and that a beautiful thing because it puts you in the driver’s seat of your life.
So that brings us to the end of our show but before the end of the show we can’t leave without your action step.
Your action step for today is to look back, look back to the last time in your life and identify 9when you regressed. Just think back. It could be a week ago, it could be, shit you could be in one right now, it could be a year ago, whatever. And just look at it and say, what was the lesson there? What was it that I needed to learn in order to grow more? What was the discovery there? Dig and find it. Find something. Find how the regression actually benefitted you by teaching you something, how you used it to grow and become more. Because when you can see the truth of that then you’ll have trust of that the next time you have a phase of regressing, of losing something. You see what I’m saying there? So go back and find that and that will build that trust for you to help you move forward further and faster in your life.
So thanks for joining me today and this one I really think if you take this in can ease your suffering quite a bit in life and help you feel a lot more trust, a lot more confidence in yourself.
So thanks for joining me today and I look forward to speaking with you again in the future. Until we do. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.
I’ll talk to you soon.
All music is licensed or royalty free.
DeepSound – Rain Clouds
(Licensed through Pond5.com)
Ask The Shrink:
(Licensed through Pond5.com)
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
(Licensed through Pond5.com)
Lokfield – Terra’s Theme Dubstep
(Creative Commons License)