Learn How To Stop Seeing Others As “Better” Than You Are
Do you sometimes see others as “better” than you. Perhaps you think they are very confident, successful, powerful, or charismatic. You see them and are impressed. When you look at yourself by comparison, you feel inferior and “less-than.”
Join Dr. Aziz as he helps you break this habit of comparison. You’ll see how you can “idealize” others, seeing them as better than they really are. You also can “devalue” yourself and not be able to see your own strengths and values.
Click below to hear this episode!
The Pattern Of Idealizing Others
Welcome to this week’s episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy! Today we’re going to get into that pattern that you probably do because I do it and everyone I know does it. It’s just a matter of how much you do it and you can turn it down a bit because the more you do it, the more you suffer and the lesser that you do it the better you feel. So what is this pattern I’m talking about? Well, the name of the show is called Stop Idealizing Others and it’s a pattern of idealizing others.
And if you’re not familiar with that word, to idealize means to only see the good in someone and then to magnify it to inhuman proportions, you see them as all amazing, all superior, all perfect, all good, all confident, all skilled, just the good, they have no flaws, they’re amazing, they are perfect, they don’t suffer with the same things that the rest of us urchins suffer from. And what ends up happening is you have this very distorted vision of that person. You don’t see them very accurately.
So, have you done this in your life? Have you seen someone who looked really amazing and tend kind of build them up in your mind as really perfect or as having it all together? I’m sure you have. We all do this. So this episode is about how to identify that, how to break free of that and then really start to accept yourself as you are more and more realistically see others. And if you like to get in touch with me, ask me questions and send me a comment ask me how things are going, you can call the show hotline or go for to website at http://ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com and send me a voicemail through that.
I love hearing people’s responses to the show. You can also leave comments below the shows on the website ShrinkForTheShy.com. But some way, respond me, let me know how this is affecting you and impacting you, what you’d like the future episodes to be focused on because that way this can become more of a dialogue and less of me just talking out into the ether. So, idealizing others, why do we do it and how do we stop? Well, the reason that we do it is there are some distortions in our sense of self-esteem.
We don’t see ourselves in all of glory. We don’t see all of our own strength. We tend to not feel like we have permission to own our own value and own our own strengths and say, hey, I’m really good at this, I’m really good at that, I can do this really well, I like this about myself, I’m kind, I’m caring, I’m intelligent, I’m good looking, well geez, that sounds pretty egotistical. I’m not going to do that, right? I mean, this resistance to acknowledging our strengths which if you’re going to blast through that at extreme high level then check out my book, Solution of Social Anxiety because you’ll learn, there’s a whole chapter on identifying your strengths and how to really own them.
It’s so important but when we don’t do this and when you don’t acknowledge your strengths and I didn’t do this for years, I used to just see all my own flaws. Do you do that, where all you see if your own flaws. You look in the mirror and you see the things you don’t like, you don’t see the things that are good about you. You look at your performance somewhere and all you see is the mistakes you made and what happens is, then you go look at someone and you see them doing well and all of a sudden there is this huge imbalance, right, like they got the stuff, they’re awesome and me, I’m like the dirt on the bottom of their shoe.
I’m nothing. And where does this happen the most in life? Well, first if you are a guy, it happens with beautiful women. We idealize beautiful women, because she is beautiful, she must be an amazing superior, incredible person. Her time is so valuable, her attention is so valuable. So it’s like we don’t want to disturb them or approach them in a way that’s going to bother them because, oh my God, she is so perfect. We idealize beautiful women. We also in our culture idealize anyone who is famous, successful or rich, right?
So, most famous people, like, oh my God, that person, duh, like I got their napkin, I feel the sweat. Oh, I reflected glory. So we’re idealizing people all the time. So what happens when we do this? Well, it demolishes your self esteem. You see greatness outside of you but you can’t see greatness inside of you. It also, if you’re going to talk to them, creates an imbalance and it doesn’t feel good to them either. It does not feel good to be idealized. I’ve talked to a lot of women about this kind of stuff and they don’t like it.
When a guy comes up to them and puts them on a pedestal and it’s like, oh, excuse me, you are so amazing and I’m sorry to bother you for your time because you are so valuable and amazing. You know, it’s like, it’s not like, it’s not real connection, that’s just some of sort of weird distorted idealizing and she doesn’t want to be the recipient of that because you’re not seeing her clearly. And women like men like anyone, what they really deeply want is not to be worshiped, maybe a little bit.
But first and foremost to be seen for who they are, to beloved and accepted for they are, to really be seen and known and appreciated and understood by another person. And if you’re a guy listening, take notes on this, this is, how long this lasts, and every month, every couple of weeks, my wife, I have to learn like the most important thing is to fight, earn a lot of money, if I do something really impressive, what she wants most is to feel heard and understood by me, that’s what women want.
So, idealizing them does not serve that purpose. There are so many reasons that idealizing can hurt you but instead of me telling you them, we’re going to go back to my interview with Dominic. Well that’s what we discussed with him and he talks about his pattern of idealizing and how to shift this, how to break free of this. So, we’re going to take a brief break right now and then we’re going to jump back into that action pact interview and if you remember the beginning of the story in the supermarket last week, you’re going to hear the interesting conclusion of that which doesn’t show in fact that the world is a friendly place.
Dr. Aziz: That’s just some perfect snapshot of where you were and where you are now and I guess the question that would be is how did that shift happen? You know, and you can start throwing out thing that come to your mind. What do you think really helped you make that big shift?
Dominic: I would say — I mean, first of I’m going to say is there was nowhere in any way easy, nowhere would I ever say that was easy. It takes a lot of determination because, and I mean also has to — it also takes someone who is there, letting you know that the goal you meet before is not possible to reach because the main thing I remember at the very beginning is like, you know, making attempt at, you know, like going beyond my comfort level, feeling horribly and then thinking like, oh she just gave up, because it’s not possible, why am I trying this? It’s not possible.
So, I mean, you are the one who really were is helping me keep in my mind that like yes, it is possible because it is very much like reaching outside of your comfort zone and that is never easy in any aspect for anybody and everyone has a comfort zone. So if you ever reach outside of your comfort zone, it’s always going to be uncomfortable, it’s always going to be difficult and your brain is automatically going to be like, stop doing that, go back to where you were. But, there’s the belief and the knowledge that like people can do that and that we’re not static that we can actually change ourselves was a huge, I’m like, my or change of my mindset.
So, I did a lot of exercises with you, like combine like on my own time.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, what are some of the things that you were…Oh I’m sorry. I was going to say, what are some of the things like this specific things that you remember doing? What stands out in your memory of things, those moments where you were outside your comfort zone, like what were some of the activities or things that you did that sticks with you?
Dominic: Let’s see here. Some of the simple ones were making eye contact with strangers. As simple as that sounds but I remember even like, because — yeah, so I remember like making eye contact with people I didn’t know on the street as I walk down the street. And big realization that I remember making from that is that the majority of the people on the street were just like we’re more uncomfortable with me making eye contact with them than I was. I don’t know, like you’ve just, I mean, that big realization like it’s not like, the second I make eye contact with someone that they’re going to judge is that they were actually, they kind of felt, I didn’t like you, is it, whatever, so that’s just naturally uncomfortable rather me kind of being critical about it.
Basically, approaching others that I didn’t know and trying to start a conversation with them was the best part of it and I actually, I continue that to this day to the point that like, even people that I know within my university that I’m friends with, right, talk to me about it, they say that we will be walking around downtown or something and we’ll be trying to get to some restaurant, right, or whatever. And we can’t find it, right? And they are looking on their phones and they’re trying to figure it out and then I’m like, oh that’s someone and I just walk up to a stranger and I’ll be like, hey, do you know where this place is and they’ll tell me and like nothing happens.
So they don’t go like, oh get away from me stranger, they just tell me, right? And like, before I never really did that because I’m probably like, oh, I’m bugging this person and they don’t want to talk to me and who knows who this person is and whatever, I just want to talk to them. But I’ve actually had people be like, oh, you’re like, why you always talking to people every time? If I have a question now, I will walk to someone ask them. I don’t know if I or even if like I am standing in front of, I don’t know, piece of art or something like art, and I remember like I went, recently I was down in this park and there was like this piece of like sculpture that was there and someone, my friend was asking me, he’s like, oh I wonder what this is supposed to be or where it came from or I can’t quite remember the details but like, I just turned to someone and I asked him, I said, hey, are you a local?
And they go, yeah, I’m from Portland. And I said, oh okay, what do you know about this piece of art here? And the person happens to know and he was actually glad, I think he just like kind of proud of that that he actually got the answer to my question. And so, yeah, we find out a bit about that sculpture there just because I had a question and I thought, rather than just wonder, I’ll just ask this person and he probably know.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, and what a high level of social freedom and you see that the world is a friendly place generally.
Dr. Aziz: People are not going to pound on your and that the average person even if they don’t think of themselves as shy or with social anxiety has some discomfort about reaching out. And so, when someone is bold enough to do it in a friendly manner, people are surprised and they tend to respond very positively. And in fact I remember, you told me a story, when we’re working together, towards the end there about how you did something similar, you’re in a supermarket and you and your girl friend at that time were thinking about where that you wanted to eat.
And you, you know, she is going to web out her smart phone and start typing, you just turned to someone in the isle and like, hey, you know of a good Tai place around here in Denver?
Dr. Aziz: And then you said this which is I still remember, I still share this with people that I’m working with to like help them realize like that, you know, and she said on the way out, like wow, I don’t know if I’ve ever been around someone who is so bold and outgoing like that that you just ask people. And that’s when I realize that you had become abnormal but in the positive end of the spectrum, like in the — you’re doing something that most people won’t do but it’s a strength, it’s a skill set that most people have never developed.
Dominic: I’m very proud of it, to be honest, like I’ve discovered that people generally enjoy helping someone if they have a problem, right? Like you know, if they have like, you know, I can’t find this restaurant or can you give me advice on what’s the best thing to eat at this restaurant or, you know, whatever like, something even that, it seems very superficial but like, they enjoy helping you. They actually like, like to give their input. People like helping other people. They’re kind of proud that someone is asking them their opinion.
I get never had, I’ve never been like, hey, you have any recommendations on a type of coffee or a good coffee shop and they’ve been like, oh, you are a horrible person, get out of my face, freak. And then I’ve never like negatively like responded to me. You know, the most, the worst I’ve ever had is someone be like, oh, I really don’t know and they are more giving kind of like a shy response like they just, they don’t know what to say about at all because I think it’s much best but I’ve never had someone negatively like shout at me which was kind of funny because I don’t really know what I was afraid of before.
Like, it didn’t make any sense that I mean, like in my mind, I guess I thought that there is something negative was going to happen but it doesn’t make any sense to like, walking to someone and say like, hey do you have directions in this place and they’re like just slap you or something. I mean, you know, like he doesn’t know.
Dr. Aziz: No, I hate you. I hate you, wrong there and…
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dominic: So it doesn’t make any sense to me like why, I don’t really quite know what I was afraid of but I was, it was very much like a fear based thing that I was not asking people or talking to people because, you know, something was going to happen. I don’t know what.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, some bad, social disapproval. Yeah, it’s — and you said you were proud of it that I think it was something that I am proud of in myself as well and maybe it’s something of being so long in a place where it was not an option that once you’ve sculpted that and molded yourself to be able to do that, it’s like a fun ability that you have, like old super power. I remember I was at a restaurant when I was in graduate school myself and there was, I don’t know, five or six of us eating dinner somewhere.
And there is this couple, there was a couple of tables down and people started guessing, somehow they came up and people started guessing like what date they were on. And so it kind of became a fun level game like, you know, some women are saying, well, look at how they’re sitting like this and then they did this and it must be, you know, their first date. And someone else like, no, they’re an old couple that they’ve been together forever and so I got everyone to kind of make their guesses.
And I was like, great, I’m going to go find out. And I remember like several people in the table, there is like sort of a gasp like, do what? No! You know, like something bad is going to happen. And then I’m like, what are you talking about? Like, I’m just — you know, they’re not going to throw water in my face. You know, and I don’t think and sure enough I walked out.
Dominic: Yeah. That would be more abnormal for them to do that than it would be, they don’t react normal like it’d be weird if they did that.
Dr. Aziz: Right. They don’t have to — they’d have to be like kind of like paranoid and freaked out maybe on method I think. But, you know, when I opened I was just like hey, we are wondering, you guys make a really good couple, you’re really sweet and what, we’re just curious, is this what, is this your first date or you guys known each other for long? And they were like really friendly and, you know, they’d share, I don’t remember the answer at this point but it was just, all I took away from that was, yeah, the world’s a generally a friendly place.
So I think that is a great insight for people listening to realize that you can do these little things. I want to ask you this question. Do you remember giving high five to strangers?
Dominic: Yes, I do.
Dr. Aziz: Can you tell me a little bit about that experience, you know what is like before and during and all that stuff?
Dominic: Well, like I’ve said a couple of times like I said before, my mind automatically thought something bad was going to happen but when you really think about it, like what’s the worst that’s going to happen like you’re — so, it is, I mean like the difference you and I and most things so that is actually kind of socially odd, like this is high five strangers. So you are going a bit out of like probably other people’s comfort zone but I’m trying to remember. I don’t quite remember people’s reactions as much as I probably should.
I remember a couple of people literally like, the second you try to, they just wouldn’t like they would make like eye contact from you and everything with you but like that was like the worst thing that would happen. They never like just stop and sort of like yelling at you or anything.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dominic: Like I just imagine that it will happen. And then some people actually got really excited, actually I kind of remember some people being really excited at all.
Dr. Aziz: But yeah, high five man, sure.
Dominic: Yeah. I actually remember, I don’t know if I ever told you this but I started using that because I remember when you’re around the park and there’s tons of people walk up and trying advertise to you and they’re like, see like, hey, buy this next CD, you want to listen to it and like, oh maybe you like it, right? Like, that happens all the time when you walk into a busy downtown. So people will come up and try and like get you to buy stuff, right? And I remember that like the thing that I would do is when they would walk up towards me and like I kind of tell what’s going to happen, I was like, put my hand up and like high five them and they will high five me and I’m like, yeah, they’d feel excited and I just walk up.
And like, they never obviously have a chance to do the sales pitch in because I didn’t want. But in the end, they felt good because, yeah, that seems excited for something. But, yeah, I don’t remember, I remember it not being — I remember it being really traumatizing in a way like before it was happening and probably even during then afterwards, I realize that I was still alive and nothing had happened in the end, like, the world was still going on and probably nobody really even talked about it about it ever.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dominic: So, but like during the time, I remember being traumatized and like I remember, I’m like yeah, sweating and thinking really hard about like how I have to conduct this and everything, like I don’t know…
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dominic: Like I could do it wrong.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, exactly, I remember this strange social experiment wrong and that’s the always the case, it’s just before hand it’s the most terrifying and it’s interesting, it’s like that was the inception of that mission, was the high fives and you know, it was through that work that I started to use that with more other people. It’s the idea first came from our conversation and then that actually became one of the missions that I use to have a dating program, 30 Days to Dating Mastery and you, I want to thank.
You were actually the genesis of that program because I remember you said to me, you said, man, I would love if I got an email from you everyday like telling me something to do that I could just go do. And I was like, that’s a yeah, like that’s what we need, right? It’s that day, so I ended up making up full 30-day-program where everyday there’s a mission to do. And sure enough and probably at about week two, just so I don’t freak people out too much, high fives, high fives is in there.
So thank you for that request because that’s what led to a program that’s now helping other guys get more comfortable at themselves in dating.
Dominic: I know, I’m happy, I mean, like I’ve kind of realized that when you’re in a place of anxiety, you can — it’s kind of the same thing when like you’re like thinking about approaching a woman like you think about it all the time, you have this plan and the second you get there, if you have no one telling you to do it, you’ll be like, oh just not do it and then, you know, you just don’t do it, like it just, it’s easier if it feels like to not do it. But if you actually have someone kind of holding you accountable and like saying, like, hey you should, you know, let me know that you’re supposed to do it, it makes a big difference because then, I don’t know why but it does.
Dr. Aziz: Oh yeah, it’s so easy to avoid, otherwise. Yeah.
Dominic: You’re like, you’re not going to be embarrassed by doing it or it could be embarrassed of the fact that I say there and do it. You know?
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. That’s a tried and true method, social pressure baby.
Dr. Aziz: Well that actually gets me to one last thing I want to ask you before my final question here which is what, you know, I remember you started working in a serving position where you had all, it’s a lot of interaction with people at a social practice.
Dr. Aziz: And it felt like that’s when you really started to make a distinction about how to interact with women from a place of more power or more confidence in yourself, less approval seeking, less, you know, and I’m wondering if you’re from that time period where you’re working that certain position, you know, what did you, is there anything you could share with guys about how to be around women or how you shifted your thinking around women that really helped you because it seemed that that’s when something really clicked for you during that time?
Dominic: Well, I mean, let me see here. So, I discovered, it sounds weird. I remember it not making any sense during my previous self or whatever you want to call it like it didn’t make sense back then because what I was doing back then made sense like you go up to a woman and you make them feel like they’re the goddess of the world and they like you because you’re doing that. But in reality, I discovered that I guess woman like more a challenge in a way so like you — I don’t know, you act interested but at the same time I remember acting like, I’m realizing that if you act interested but at the same time, you know, you can move on way, I don’t know if that make sense like you could kind of like, you know, like you could take it or leave it.
Then they actually reacted more to that than if you were to like be drooling all over them all the time.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dominic: That was, I don’t know there if like I can portray it like, you know, I like you, you know, I’m interested in you but, you know, I have lot of other options, so you got to kind of show something to me as well rather than like I am, you know, desperate and, you know, to get any type of attention from you, it’s not actually attractive. Even to the point now that like I don’t, I mean, I actually even realized that now I have more interaction with women than like I wouldn’t want that either, like I wouldn’t want someone who was obsessed with me or, you know, it was like falling head over heel to try and get my attention like I’d rather have someone where I was like I gained their approval or something.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, absolutely because it’s more valuable when we don’t just gush it out everywhere and I think you’re right. I think what that, the underlying message that’s conveyed is, I don’t have much going on and I don’t even really know you that well yet but do you want to marry me, is the, is the kind of —
Dr. Aziz: Because you’re the best I’m going to do, and then please God say yes and versus the other approach which is still going after what you want, like you, you know, you went ask the woman that you’re with now, you went asked her out, you pursued her, you demonstrated the interest but at the same time, if she said no, I’m not available, you said, okay, I’m a bummer but I’m going to move on because I know I’m going to find someone else and I think that’s where the power is.
Dominic: I remember like realizing that it was, well, in the job I worked at, I worked with a lot of women my age just because of the serving at the three scale of women, but I remember working with lot of women my age and I realize that like it was almost kind of like a game, like you could flirt with someone and not actually like expect anything to come out of it or whatever you want like — and that was where I’m sort of practicing like, these other things, I don’t know, teasing someone about, you know, something that had done only that day and like you keep bringing it up, I don’t know.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dominic: Like it’s and then goes up like I’m going to be arguing, you’re being annoying in a way but like, it gone the way that they react. If they react appropriately then you just keep on doing it and then you’re just having fun. But, yeah, you’re not like, you’re not like offending them in any way when you tease them, like you’re actually just kind of having a good time and the same time you’re kind of — I don’t know, it’s flirting at the same time.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, absolutely. And what really shows that you get something on a deep level that I think a lot of guys don’t which is that the nice guy, you know, the shy guy is terrified to offend her in any way. And he wants to, and she’s the goddess of the world that for all. So, I’m going to be extra polite and extra nice. A.K.A, extra boring and when you are willing to tease a little bit, it shows that hey we’re equal here. I’m teasing you just like I would tease anyone else, like I’m not going to give you amazing special treatment. You’re just a person like me.
So put you on an equal plain instead of her on a pedestal, and absolutely, I mean, all the way back to the days of the playground, teasing is a bonding thing. It’s a way of playing. It’s an engaging thing and you know you’re doing it right just as you said where she laughs or she slaps your arm when she says, shut up, you know. And you know it’s going well.
Dr. Aziz: If she is like, I hate you, get away from me and she means it then, you’re missing the mark.
Dominic: Yeah, there’s all there, you know when, and enter the spectrum like you could be too nice of a guy then I would be too much of a jerk.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah. You get that widest sweet spot right in between nice guy and jerk.
Dominic: Yeah. I mean, I think it even like applies to like the way you think about it like if, I don’t, I wouldn’t want someone, I would feel uncomfortable if a girl was to about me as if I was like the greatest thing in the planet like, because I would be like, no, I’m not that, I mean, calm down like I’m not that amazing like, you know, like I wouldn’t want, like I understand why that’s not attractive.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah.
Dominic: Because I wouldn’t want someone to be doing that towards me.
Dr. Aziz: Right.
Dominic: That would make me feel uncomfortable. Yeah, you know…
Dr. Aziz: And they’re not perceiving you for who you are. They’re not really seeing you like, oh there’s Dominic, he’s a great guy. He’s got strengths and he’s got some flaws and I really want to know who he is. They’re like, I am going to project and imagine that you’re this and you’re right, that’s very — it’s unappealing because women like all of us what they really want deep down is to be seen and understood and appreciated for who they are. And when you’re idealizing them, you’re not doing that. You’re putting something on them that’s really not something that they can live up to.
Well, so in the interest of time here, I want to ask you one last question. I think you’re sharing so much good stuff that is really going to help a lot of people out there. And, but I just though I just add this opportunity for you to say anything else like here is the question. What advice would you have for other guys listening right now who are stuck in that place of shyness and self doubt and hopelessness and self criticism like is there any advice or words of wisdom that you’d want to impart to them or share with them to help them move forward in their lives?
Dominic: You know, I will say, I will make I word this correctly. I would say that…
Dr. Aziz: Don’t do drugs. No, I’m…
Dominic: Yeah. Well, I was in that place. This idea of like, you know, the things that we’ve been talking about, right? The idea that something you can change that just because your personalities or, you know, your persona or your nervousness and everything that waited now doesn’t mean that it’s going to stay that way. I just remember being such a firm belief in my head or I mean, to the point that like I didn’t believe things that you were telling at that to the point that like I probably, I could listen to this and believe then and not believe it, you know.
Like I could come up with excuses of why that, this does not apply to me. And it wasn’t until I kind of just said like to hell with it, I’m just going to see, like I’m just going to try. I guess there is nothing, I’m not going to lose anything or I don’t know, like I’m just going to, I’m going to like yeah, I’m going to have faith and the fact that like I want this to change and I’m being told that it can and I don’t believe it but I’m going to try and see if it does happen. And it wasn’t until I really started like just kind of thinking that maybe it can that like it started actually happening because it isn’t easy and you are really like pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone all the time.
But then your comfort zone changes and you suddenly have a new comfort zone and it’s easy to do what you were doing before and you’ve changed and you’re now able to do things that you weren’t able to do before which back then seemed impossible. But now are obviously very easy to do and then you have new things that you want to do, you know, a new idea of what’s impossible. And so, I just, I’m frustrated that I spent so much time not believing that it was possible for me to be where I’m at now.
If I have somehow was able to make that connection earlier on, I wouldn’t have had spent so much time kind of with all that self doubt and self hatred and self, just, you know, blocking myself off on things that I wanted to do because it is very, it is very possible to do or to turn yourself into the person that you desire to be.
Dr. Aziz: That’s awesome and well said and I agree 100%. It’s very inspiring. And, I think you said it perfectly. There’s nothing really that I can add to that. And what I love about it so much is that it’s just absolutely true and I watched you do it and as I said, you had the level of determination and you got this stuff in a way that few people do and I’ll end with this which I think makes it so, what makes it so valuable is that the same process that someone uses to get from really stuck and really shy to normal level confidence is the exact same thing you can use to go from a normal level of confidence to leadership positions.
And doing the impossible and creating an amazing life or going after that woman that you think is so beautiful and so out of your league and yet you do it anyway and it’s there’s this same process, it’s just a higher level of playing, higher level of game and so it’s really cool to see you having gotten, not only out of the stuck place to the normal place and then you’re going beyond and just doing so much cool stuff in the world. And I’m so excited and happy to hear that and that you took the time share that with me and everyone else here.
So thank you so much for your time and your insights Dominic.
Dominic: Oh yeah, and thank you. I mean, I would never actually been able to share this story if I haven’t had someone helping me along the way. So, I have a lot of thanks to give to you as well.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, right on. Great! Okay, thanks Dominic.
Dominic: You’re welcome.
Dr. Aziz: And before we end today’s show, we have to end with what we always end with which is, that’s right, your action step because none of this stuff, intellectual, and oh that sounds really cool and that’s a good idea, none of this stuff is going to really change your life until you take action.
Dr. Aziz: So how do we take action on what we learn today? Well, first of all, think about someone and you might have been doing this as you’ve been listening to this episode or even just right now in this moment, it might come to you, someone that you tend to idealize, you tend to see them as over the top, bigger than life, having it all together perfect and what I’d like you to do is think about them as a real person. Imagine them getting up in the morning. They are sleeping in pajamas or in their underwear. Imagine them shuffling to the bathroom, using the bathroom, taking a shower.
Imagine them sitting on the toilet, I know it’s absurd but that’s the point, right, it’s they’re human. Imagine that they have moments where they feel excited and happy and they also have moments where they feel confused or stuck or sad without knowing exactly why or you think about what are their strengths, you know, what…there are things that I really find amazing them. What are those strengths? But also what are some of their flaws and challenges and shortcomings?
What might they struggle with behind closed doors? And if your mind is like, nothing, nothing, they are perfect, well, really do this exercise, really just realize that no one is perfect. Every one is human, every one has limitations, every one struggles at times. So, really do this practice and imagine and see them for their whole person and if you’re doing this with the idea of like a beautiful woman, yeah, think about her too right? How even is she’s beautiful, sometimes she feels unattractive, sometimes she has a hard time, sometimes she is afraid of getting hurt.
Sometimes she doesn’t know what to do and feels scared and shuts down, just all of us, right? So that’s your action step for the day, is to see this person that you’ve been idealizing as a human just like you. I want take one step further, check out the Solution of Social Anxiety book which actually recently just coming on audio book, you can find that on iTunes and Audio Mall and so forth. And you can listen to it but there’s all section there about building your strength. So do that if you like regardless, next week, we’re going to be getting into what I call Escaping the Shyness Prison.
If you feel like you’re stuck in a prison sometimes in your shyness, you’re going to learn how to bust that, how to find that key, break through the doors, rip them open, dynamite the walls, whatever it takes to get out, break free of that shyness. So stay tuned for that next week and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are, and to know that you’re awesome.
Thanks for listening to Shrink for the Shy Guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you’ve just heard please let them know and send them a link to ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com for free blogs, eBooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com.
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