How To Eliminate The Fear Of Asking For What You Want
How do you feel about asking for things? Do you boldly and directly ask for what you want and need in life?
Or do you have a lot of discomfort and fear around asking for things?
Today you are going to learn how to let all of that go and just start asking for what you want out of life. You might just find you get more than you could ever hope for.
Click below to hear this episode!
What Should You Be Asking For But Aren’t?
Welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today we’re going to be getting into asking the power of asking for what you want and the blocks that might be getting in the way that are stopping you from asking for what you want and how to get more of what you want out of life, out of your relationships, out of your business, out of your career. I mean, so much comes to asking. So, today’s really going to help you break through some obstacles, some challenges that are holding you back so you can get out there and start kicking more ass in any area that matters to you.
If you like to jump in to the conversation go to facebook.com/socialconfidence. That’s what we’re doing in the Facebook thing now. And go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and you can send a message there text or audio even and I can listen to your audio message. Ask your questions there if you want me to answer those in an upcoming Ask The Shrink Segments. And if you’re enjoying the show if you’re getting a lot out of it by all means please go and rate it on iTunes. Give it a good old 5-star rating that helps us reach more people and further the mission of mass liberation how we can all break free from the BS that’s holding us back.
How Awesome Asking Is
So let’s get into asking. Let’s talk about how awesome asking is for a second because maybe you don’t know. Maybe you haven’t done it a lot or you’re a little weary of it you got some blocks around it which will help you clear in a little bit. But first we have to talk about how awesome it is. What’s great about asking? Think about that for a second. Have you ever asked or something in your life and then gotten it? Ain’t that awesome? I mean you can walk up to someone and ask them for something and they’ll give it to you or you can be with a friend and you can ask for something and they’ll say sure, you know. I’ll pick you up at the airport. Or you can ask a woman if she wants to go on a date with you and she can say yes. You can ask for a raise and you can get that. You can ask a potential person, potential clients if they want to work with you or a customer if they want to get your product or service and they could say yes and then you have a sale and you’re serving them and you’re getting paid and it’s a win-win.
I mean, when you ask for what you want life can give it to you. There’s a great clip from Steve Jobs when he was quite a bit younger this interview in fact I’ll put a link below on the site for the podcast it’s shrinkfortheshyguy.com. It’s a YouTube video, it’s like 2 minutes and someone’s asking him a bunch of questions and there’s this clip about where he talks about asking and he says, you know, when I approach people and I ask them you’d be amazed at how almost no one says no when you ask and how doors open up to you and how the difference between the people that really get further in life and the people who don’t the people who just dream and talk about it and think about it one of the major differences is asking. And he tells this great story about he as a little kid wanted to work on some parts, electronic or computer I think it’s electronic parts or some machine he was building and so he calls up this CEO of Hewlett Packard like Mr. Packard, I don’t even remember the guy’s first name. And the guy picks up the phone and he’s like, hey, this 12-year-old kid, he’s like hi Mr. Packard I’m 12 and I’m building a such and such machine. Do you have any spare parts? And the guy is like he finds it humorous and inspiring and faltering and invited the kid over, gives him a bunch of stuff. The power of asking.
And there are great stories too about Tony Robbins when he was a kid, lousy boy wonders I wasn’t doing any show like this when I was a kid but. Anyway, when he was like a 12-year-old kid or 13-year-old kid he would interview these big sports figures and radio announcers just by calling them up and having his mom drive him out there the he interview them. So, the power of asking it’s amazing. And I’ve had some great guests on this podcast people who are really established in their industries and you know big time and just I ask them. Hey, here’s this thing I’m doing. Do you want to help me reach a lot of people and help them and inspire them. And so the power of asking is you can start to get more of what you want. And so, what I’m doing here is I’m sharing a bunch of stories and s I’m doing that I’m wondering if you’re thinking about your own life. Where is it that I could be asking, you know, what have I asked in the past and it’s been great, or what would I want to ask for? And a great thing to think about is what do I want, right? Because if we know what we want then we know what to ask for. If we don’t know what we want then we’ve no idea what to ask for.
So, a deeper question is what do I want? What do I want in my career, in my work, in my business? And then who would I ask to make that happen? Or do I want my dating life? Who would I ask? Or do I want my relationship? Maybe you’re already in a relationship, maybe you’re married. And I mean that’s a huge area where we need to learn how to ask for what we want. So asking is awesome primarily because you get what you want. You get more of what you want in life and you also take charge because so much of the time we’re not getting what we want but then we didn’t ask and then we’re blaming other people in the world. Oh, man they didn’t give me raise, they didn’t do this, she didn’t do that. Did you even ask? And what did you ask effectively to we’ll get into that too because there are different ways to ask.
In fact, let’s look at what gets in the way because if we can see what gets in the way and remove those blocks then that’s half the battle, right? Then it just becomes a lot easier. So let’s take a quick break right now and when we get back we’re going to jump in to the blocks about asking and how to remove those so you can move faster and more quickly towards what you want by asking.
What are the blocks to asking? What stops you? In fact think about that. And maybe in the first segment you were thinking about who you could ask. Maybe there is a potential person you want to ask to work with you if you offer a service you’re a consultant and you want to work with a certain company or certain person. Maybe you want to ask someone at work to help you with a project. Maybe you want to try to delegate something to someone. Maybe you want to ask your boss for something. Different work schedule, different payment, different salary. Maybe you want to ask a woman out, you want to ask a woman for her number. Whatever it is if you think about something you want to ask for and then just notice how do you feel if you just imagine like, okay right now after I listen to this I’m going to go out and I’m going to do it. Or if it’s, you know, one in the morning then tomorrow morning ‘m going to go out there and I’m going to do it.
What happens? What do you feel? Do you feel nervous, uncomfortable, excited, curious, terrified, resistant, irritated, frustrated, confused, happy? What do you feel? You know, ii found there are a lot of blocks that come up with asking and often what comes up around asking is attention and usually that’s some sort of fear. And what are we afraid of? What’s the first thing? What do you think you’re afraid of asking for something, from someone? What if they say no. Right? I mean that’s the thing we’re all, oh my God what if they, hey can I have your number? No. Oh my! Jesus Christ! Can’t handle that. What if I ask someone, hey can you help me with this project? No, you’re busy? Oh God! Terrible! I mean it’s like this dreaded, oh my God what if I ask and they say no. But that the biggest block, right? It’s fear and we make it to some horrible rejection about me, me. All right, so, they’re going to say no and then we loathe even more onto that. It’s not just this exchange of information, right? Like, hey do you want to help me with X? No? Okay great. Now I’m going to go ask someone else.
That’s really all that’s happening is this exchange of information but we make it this, oh my God it means so much about me. And you know here are some of the meanings that we throw onto it. It means that it was bad for me to ask, it was too much, too assertive, too demanding.
There’s this badness. I’m so bad for asking because they said no. Now if they said, yes, then you know, no problems. So we feel it’s bad to ask for what we want. Then we can also feel the sense of like, oh I’m unwanted. They don’t like me. I‘m not lovable. They don’t approve of me is another layer we can throw on that. And then there can be this sort of vague sense of embarrassment like, oh my God what if people knew that I asked and this person said no. Right? So, I mean look at this. Look at how crazy making our minds can be and that’s why we just got to drop out of the mind and get into your body. And just take a breath and just feel all that discomfort going on in your chest about asking and just feel right into it with your attention and breathe right into it right into your heart, soften and relax your stomach, relax your jaw, resist nothing. Don’t try to fight any of the feelings just let them move through you. It’s just some uncomfortable energy and focus on that and just let all that BS in your mind go by like little bits of driftwood and sticks and leaves on a river. They’re just bouncing along passing by and you just feel the sensations in your body. And if you that and if you stick with it for just a few minutes a lot of stuff will just pass. Because it’s not real, it’s not true, it’s just thoughts and the more we hook into them the more we try to fight them and believe them and not believe them the more we just spin in spiral. And it’s just information. It’s just a no. It’s a, oh I guess they’re not going to be helping me with that project. Oh I guess she’s not going to be going out with me. I guess they’re not going to be a customer. Okay. Next. Moving on. Right?
It’s just like it’s just information so all those other layers create all the suffering and pain and can you just drop that? It doesn’t mean any of that and it doesn’t have to mean any of that. And you might say, how do I make it not mean that? You know, well, that’s good luck trying to defeat you know wrestling the thought and stopping the thought and that’s, you know. It’s much easier to just decide, you know what it doesn’t mean any of that it’s just information. And whatever feelings are going to come up I’m just going to notice them and send love and acceptance to them and my body and if you want to learn more about there’s a great episode I did a little while back with the barefoot doctor called How to Accept Everything. Great guidance on how to do what I’m talking about here. But just really bringing yourself back to your heart and letting that stuff go. And just knowing it’s okay to ask. That could be a gentle mantra you can offer yourself. It’s like it’s okay to ask. It’s good to ask. It’s good to ask. That’s right. It’s good to ask.
And I have a great story that I’d like to share about the power of asking, about how not only is it good to ask because it’s good for us to break free from that fear but also when you ask and you ask in a way that I’m going to talk about in a second, you know, boldly, directly, just step up and fucking do it. Man! Results in your life change I don’t even know what the percentage is I have a specific example I’m going to share in a second maybe doing a quick math here. Or maybe we’ll have to do that math together. I’ll share the numbers with you and then we’ll do the math about what the increase in performance and success was, the results were in just a second. So I’m going to share that one.
Ask Bodly. Ask Directly
Ask boldly. Ask directly. That is how we’re going to do it. So, if you have all these blocks about asking and it’s so bad and I’m so terrible, I don’t know if they’ll reject me. What we end up doing is we ask with like one foot in the door and one foot out the door. So we don’t say, hey, I love talking to you. I want to hang out again. What’s your number? Or, listen, here’s what I deliver to the company, here’s what I plan to deliver, here’s how much I’m bringing in. I would like to get 4% increase in my salary this quarter or whatever. We don’t just put it out there. Or, hey, based on everything you shared I think, you know, this product would be amazing for you. Why don’t you check that out and well let’s go from there. Let’s get you signed up for that. Like we don’t put it out there in that direct way. What we do say id like, well, I mean you probably have a boyfriend or I don’t know if you want to maybe hang out sometime with me? You know that’s exaggerated but maybe not. Right? Or, hey John, I kind of *0:15:41 some work on this project and here’s a bunch of unnecessary detail, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and maybe if you have a moment later and it’s not going to be a bother to you you could take a look at this and maybe give me some of your thought? Right we just do this convoluted du over the top. Just boldly step up, face the fear, and I mean that’s the theme of this whole show of the whole message that I teach people. Let’s just face our fears. You can handle it. That’s the only way you’re going to discover you can handle it is by facing your fears.
Give Your Self Permission
So step up and do and start asking just give yourself permission to and just start stepping up. As Steve Jobs said, the world opens up for you. And look at him. Jesus! The world certainly opened up for him. And thank God because he brought so much to the world I have all kinds of his gadgets in front of me right now. Bless him. But anyway, so, let me share this story with you about the power of asking.
Not too long ago time of the recording maybe a week ago through a series of events that I don’t want to get into all the details I ended up in a town called, Mount Hood or Hood River actually, a town called Hood River which is about 45 minutes outside of Portland where I live. And my wife is continuing onto her family in Washington I didn’t have a car. And it’s a long story. Anyways, basically like, oh yeah you’ll find a bus back it’ll be fine. I was like, great. So I get into Hood River, it’s a beautiful little mountain town along the Columbia River and it’s a bright sunny day so I was like, great, no problem, I’ll find my way back. And it ended up being a pretty process that involved trying to get to this train station which was across the Columbia River and the only way to get across the Columbia River was on this one bridge and it was a no pedestrian super narrow metal bridge. So you couldn’t walk across it. And so you had to get across on a car which means I had to ask people, I had to hitchhike basically to get across. And I’ve actually never hitchhiked in my entire life. I don’t know if you have but never done it before.
But anyway so I have my backpack and I’m standing right near the entrance to the bridge and everyone’s stopping because it’s a toll bridge and everyone’s kind of stopping and paying their toll. And I was standing there with my thumb out like, hey pick me up. Do I smile? Does that help people? How do I ask, right? Because it’s like it’s a weird form of asking. And let me ask you this, is hitchhiking a bold form of asking? No, it might feel bold, it felt a little, I was definitely outside my comfort zone so I was like oh great get a little practice here. But, no, not really because you’re quiet, you’re very easily ignorable and that’s what I found most people do. Shit! That’s what I do when I see hitchhikers, just don’t look at them. Right? I learned my lesson there but you know I with my thumb out and I find that most people vast majority don’t look at you and don’t want to acknowledge that you’re asking. Some smiling I’m putting my thumb up and car after car after car after car is passing by and I’m like, holy shit! Really? I’m just going across the short bridge. Maybe they don’t know that. Maybe they think I’m going further. Maybe they think I got a knife and I’m going to attack them. I don’t know what’s going on. But car after car after car and I started counting so was like, wow, this is crazy, you know. And I think it was about 60 cars went by before I got a big truck pick me up.
Now, maybe if you have more experience with hitchhiking and probably the location matters but I don’t know what the numbers are but 60. So 1 out of 60 is how long it took me to get a ride. And then he drove me across the bridge and then I got to the other side, got to the train station, found out that it wasn’t a train station it was just like a broke down platform. And so I had to get back across into Mount Hood to try to find a bus. So I was like, damn it! And so I get back to the bridge and there I’m standing on the other side waiting to get back. And I’m like, man , I want to do this faster than the time before and I was like hitchhiking wasn’t working so I was like, you know what I need to ask. I need to step up and ask more boldly. So what I did is I positioned myself on the street corner where a bunch of cars are going to make a left turn onto a bridge and they’re going to stop to this light and everyone had their windows down because it was a really hot day.
So I did. I just stood on the corner and I waited for like the light to turn red and then some cars to line up. And then I went to the first care and I was about, you know, across one lane of traffic so I was like maybe 10, 15 feet away. There’s a woman there I was like, excuse me. She looked at me and I was like, hey can I have a ride across the bridge? And she’s like, no. I was like, oh. And then here’s the beauty of asking, asking boldly. I asked again I said, really? Are you sure? I’m safe and I gave her a big smile and like a playful look. And she’s like, no, sorry and looked a little uncomfortable. So I was like, all right. Moving on. I just walked a couple of feet, you know, and got in line with the next car. And then I asked them and guess what? Guess how many people I asked before a guy said, sure come in? Three. Three versus 60. Sixty was from passively kind of asking with my thumb and then when I just talked to the person and just said, hey I just want to get across the bridge can I get a ride? They could hear my voice tone. They could hear it was a short ride they’re not going to hang out with me for hours. They could see that I was a normal dude. Bam! Three. So I don’t know what the stats are on that but that’s ten-fold if not more or twenty-fold way better. Four thousand percent based upon my phony calculations.
So, what does that mean for you in your life? What would happen if you just started asking more boldly if you’re in sales you more boldly started conversations with people and then in those conversations you more boldly brought up the sale part of the sale and then you more boldly talked about if they’re going to get it or not and what’s getting in the way. If it’s dating you more boldly approach women, you more boldly ask them. Let’s hangout instead of saying kind of passively waiting and hoping for the right signal or for her to do it, you step up and say, hey, can I have a ride across the bridge? You just ask her, hey, let’s hangout some time. What about stepping up and asking more directly in work. Can you get help from people? Can you delegate things? Can you just speak up more and get what you need? So much resentment. So much tension. So much discouragement and frustration comes from not asking, being too scared to ask and then blaming other people for not doing what we wanted them to do. So we got to break free of that. So step up and ask. In fact that brings us to our action step for today.
Your action step for today is step up and ask, that’s right. So find one area in your area in your life that you want to ask more boldly in and then go ask more boldly in it. And I don’t know what that is for you but you know what that is for you. And think about the one that you’re more scared to do that’s probably the better one. And if it’s too much to start with that though, that’s fine. Pick an easier one. Build up. Gradual, you know, kind of work your way up to it but eventually the harder stuff because the more bold request you can make the more your life can totally transform.
So think about that in your life and if you want to share your experience about that go to facebook.com/socialconfidence. Share your thoughts on shrinkfortheshyguy.com I’d love to hear your feedback and I look forward to speaking with you in the future episodes. If you’re enjoying the show go to iTunes and give it a 5-star rating and this will help me keep it going, keep all this free awesome stuff coming. And if you want to dive deeper check out some of my programs go to socialconfidencecenter.com I mean you’ll find a lot of stuff there to really help you break through. I mean this is just a the tip of the iceberg.
So, I enjoyed spending time with you today and until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.
Talk to you soon.
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