The Problem With Pickup

The Truth About Pickup Artists And Meeting Women

Are you familiar with Pickup Artists? If you’ve ever looked for a solution online to get more confidence with meeting women and dating, then you certainly have seen this. It’s everywhere. And there’s some major problems with these teachings.

Join Dr. Aziz as he exposes the problems behind being a “pickup artist” and highlights the path towards ever-increasing confidence in yourself so you can easily meet women, get dates, and create outstanding relationships… all by being yourself!

Click below to hear this episode!

Do you want to learn how to meet women, how to meet girls, how to talk to women or how to be more confident with women?

Are you familiar with the concept of pickup or pickup artists? If you’re a man who has looked on the internet to find the solution to become more confident in yourself, better at meeting women, dating, and relationships then I have no doubt this is something that you’ve come across because it’s everywhere. And I got a problem with pickup. There are a lot of problems with pickup and if you’ve explored it and had some benefit from it but then a lot of downsides or negative effects or you looked at it and it just didn’t feel quite right to you then you’re going to want to listen to this episode because we’re going to highlight the problems with pickup and then you’re going to find a much, much better way to get out there, be confident, be yourself, and meet incredible women.

He-hey! Welcome to another episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. Excited to be here with you today. Today we’re going to be looking at the problem with pickup. That’s right. I got some beef and I got to air it here and I think that if you’ve explored it yourself you’re really going to resonate with what I say. It’s really going to make sense to you. If you haven’t come across it, well, then you’re in good shape because you’re going to have sidestep a whole, you know, sticky path that you don’t need to go down. And so I’m excited to jump in and share all of that with you. We’re going to highlight some of the benefits as well so you can get the good side without getting stuck in the downside because that’s what I’m all about. If you’d like to check out more about the episodes of the show, leave comments, send me messages, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com. You can also go to facebook.com/socialconfidence. That’s our Facebook page you can like that, get more updates about the show, as well as a bunch of confidence tips and other stuff or if you want to leave a message and ask a question that I can answer on an upcoming show call us at the studio hotline (206) 338-3176. I’d love to hear from you I love when I get those and I try to answer them on upcoming episodes.

So, let’s dive into the problem with pickup. Now, what is, you know, pick up as I said in the intro it’s basically if you go on the internet and you type in how to meet women, how to meet girls, how to talk to women, how to be more confident with women, anything about developing yourself in this area what you will find first and foremost front and center is a whole field of teaching called pickup artists, pickup artistry, picking up women. And basically there’s a big spectrum of stuff out there but the essence of it is they teach you what to say and do to get her to go out with you and ultimately to get her to sleep with you. That’s the primary focus of this. And you might be listening to that and be like, what was that? What was that term? I’m going to look that up right now on my phone. I mean, what’s wrong with that? How to talk to women, what to say. I don’t know what to say talking to women, I don’t know what to do. So you’re telling me that someone can tell me what to say and what to do and then I can sleep with women? Like, holy shit! Where is that? And that’s how I was and you know actually that’s how I know so much about this stuff is because I delved into it myself. I studied it for a long time. And then I also have clients that have done the same.

And, so, let’s look at that real quick. Because is there anything wrong with that? Well, the end result is good. More confident meeting women, more success with women, sleeping with women, dating women, girlfriend, eventually a wife. I mean, hey that’s great, right? That’s what I want for you as well if that’s what you want for yourself. But how you do something is just as important maybe more important than the result. How you do something.

So, let’s take an example here. There is a craze it still might be going on but it’s kind of a low-carb diet fad that moved though the country. One of the premiere sort of names in that movement was Atkins. The Atkins Diet. You might have heard of it. Now, I honestly never read a book by Atkins so I didn’t know the nuances of his diet but I could see a lot of people who said they were applying the Atkins diet and I would see people were avoiding all carbs because that’s what they’re supposed to do and eating a shit ton of meat and not like healthy meats that was like bacon and sausage wrapped bacon and eggs and meats and dairy and like not have any vegetables. And I’m like, you know, I’m not a doctor. Well I could say I’m a doctor but I’m not that kind of doctor. I don’t think that *0:04:57 fruits and vegetables and a big pile of meat is necessarily the path to, you know, long-lasting health and freedom. And of course though people will lose weight. They would be not getting as much calories and they’d also be going into something called ketosis where their body would be trying to process a different fuel and all this stuff and I don’t want to go down that whole rabbit hole because there are ways, you know, that that could be beneficial to reduce certain kinds of carbohydrates. But basically people would lose weight but they’d be something that would be unsustainable and potentially very unhealthy for themselves. And so how we go about losing the weight is just as important as actually, if it’s more important, right? Because you can drop 10 pounds but if your breath smells terrible and you’re weak and you’re uncomfortable that’s not what you want, right? You want to be full of energy, vitality, that’s the whole purpose of getting healthier and it’s the same with the pickup artist stuff.

So, let’s look at some of the benefits of pickup though before we get in to the problems with pickup. Because there are benefits to it and I don’t want to, you know, set up a straw man situation where we just make it all look bad and there are some great benefits and I got some benefits from it. So what are the benefits of pickup artists?

First, they teach that you can learn this stuff that you can learn how to be better with women, how to be more successful with women and that is incredibly liberating because what it does is it busts one of the myths that I talk about in I think it’s the Confidence Code one of those where it’s called The Different Species Myth where we look at someone who’s really confident, really smooth, really skillful maybe with women but maybe in any area of life and on some level we conclude, wow, that person is so different  than I am. They’re so different they’re like a different species and we then distance ourselves from them in our heads as if we could never do what they’re doing. And so the benefits of what the pickup artist guys are teaching is that you can learn this stuff and it’s true you absolutely can. They also encourage action and practice and you know the thing about me if you listen to the end of these episodes there’s always an action step. I want to work with anyone one on one it’s a lot big focus on action. You know maybe we spent a little while in the inner game stuff before they can start taking action but then it’s like let’s work on the inner game stuff while you take action at the same time. It’s not like we do all these inner game stuff for 5 years and then all of a sudden your life is different. You got to go take action. And that’s what I encourage. Get out there and talk to women, get out there are practice. It’s incredibly valuable. And they also have some good insight into being more powerful in yourself, self-respecting, more bold, less pleasing in trying to get women’s approval. So that is a really important benefit as well because if you approach women from a place of, I’m no good, please like me, I don’t know why you would like me because you’re so much better than I am and you put on this pedestal, and that just really does not produce, it doesn’t feel good for you it doesn’t feel good for her and so it’s a lose-lose. So they teach people how to be different than that and that is really valuable, too.

Now of course that’s part of the one of the problems to those because how they teach people and how they go, it doesn’t lead as much to the de-transformations and it doesn’t lead to a lot of the inner success that we’re really going for. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s get into the problems of pickup that would be one of them we’re going to get to that one. But I mean there’s a whole host. There are some benefits but now we got to get in to problems and we’re going to take a quick break and we’re going to get back and we’re going to dive in and you’re going to want to listen to these because if you ever explored any pickup artist stuff or if you’re doing some of it now, if you watched some videos online, these problems are sneaky, they’re insidious, they get into your mind and they fuck with you. And they’re going to really limit your success not just externally with women but internally in how you feel.

The Problem with Pickup

So what are the problems with pickup? And the overarching problem I’d say is that it’s focused on outer success. It’s outcome focused as in get the girl particularly seduce the girl. I mean a big part of the pickup movement I know sometimes they’re marketed as get a girlfriend and stuff but then when you get in to the material it’s all this stuff that was like derived from guys who were focused on sleeping with women as quickly as possible. So, outcome-focused, you know. Close her is the language they’ll use. Get laid basically. And, again, I don’t have any some sort of like moral philosophy that’s bad to, you know, have sex or bad to sleep with someone quickly I think that’s great and I’ve done that before and it has been a very enjoyable experience sometimes. And other times it has been an awkward uncomfortable experience which is something that the pickup stuff doesn’t get into either. But, there’s nothing wrong with that in itself but we get really focused on the outer part and we don’t really have as much focus on the inner success because the whole purpose like, why do you want to sleep with women in the first place? In fact, think about that for a second. I don’t know where you’re at. Maybe you want to be able to talk to women, maybe you want to be able to date women, maybe you want to sleep with several women, maybe you want to have the sewing your oats face as a teacher once I said I was doing which is you go out, you meet a lot of women, you sleep with them. Maybe you want a girlfriend. Steady, settle down girlfriend. Maybe you want a wife. Wherever you’re at, why do you want that? What would that bring to your life? How would you feel when you have that? Right.

Whatever you’re feeling right now that’s what you’re going for you’re going for an inner feeling of success, of love, of feeling proud that you were able to do something, of feeling strong that you could create what you wanted in your life, of feeling free to be able to go talk to someone, of feeling happy because you have someone to share life with, of feeling connected in love and not lonely, right? So it’s all about these inner feelings, this inner success and the pickup artist stuff is so focused on the outer success that it’s entirely possible and I’ve done it to get “outer success” as in be sleeping with a woman, having sex with, or about to or dating her or whatever and not feeling that great.

And I’ve had that experience. I remember one time I was in San Francisco and this beautiful woman, we’re on this date, and we were in her like high-rise loft she was pretty wealthy and successful in business and we were in her high-rise loft in San Francisco and she was really into me. She wanted no strings attached. Sex? I mean, you’re in that scenario and you’re kind of like, whoa that’s like the perfect situation. And everywhere we were having sex and I remember this moment that I’ll never forget for the rest of my life. Where I’m looking at her and she’s beautiful and I think she had breast implants if I remember it correctly and you know just kind of this sort of what movies and maybe porn what it has taught us is the perfect thing and I was doing it. And I had this moment where I thought to myself, this looks better than it feels. This experience like seems more awesome. If I was telling someone about it, it would be awesome but in this moment I don’t feel that awesome. It doesn’t feel that great.

Because it was too much focused on the outer success and that’s what one of the problems with pickup is. Another problem with pickup is because of the focus on like quick seduction, quick seduction, there’s sort of a use and discard attitude that is taught. Use and discard which is like, you know, get through break through the resistance, sleep with her, and then whatever, move on. And this is not all pickup artist stuff but most of, right? It’s just kind of, you know, because that’s the whole goal unless you’ve reached the goal then you got to move on because it’s about the conquest, it’s about the conquering, it’s about the winning, it’s about the significance and the personal victory of getting her. No about creating a real connection and a real relationship. In fact a lot of it is designed to simulate like you are creating. So she feels like she’s creating a real connection. I mean if you get into some of this stuff it is freaking like a really complex machine that these guys build in their heads, you know. And I think a big part of the pickup artist thing is like guys like me who are kind of nerdy and not successful with women and felt powerless and they’re like, okay, I’m going to like use all of my nerd power and brains and intelligence to like study this as if it were a math problem or a code and just break it and they invest huge amounts of focus in manpower, intelligence, in their community and they talk about it and then they come up with all these systems and things and they couldn’t work but they’re like simulations of real connection and they have all these terms for it and acronyms like so in this moment I’m going to do a high value story so she feels like she looks up to me and now I’m going to do a moment of vulnerability so she feels more connected to me and it’s all like planned out and maybe even scripted maybe they even use the same story of vulnerability to get her to connect with them and it’s this weird like this pseudo connection simulation thing.

So that’s another downside and at least to use and discard attitude. What that leaves is it leaves kind of like a trail of dissatisfied or upset women in your wake. And I’m like let’s create and you don’t have to marry a woman after you sleep with her in fact you can just sleep with her once. But it’s how you go about doing that. How you’ve talked to her beforehand, what you talk about, whether you choose to talk about what her desires are and what hers are I don’t think a lot of pickup artist guys encourage that, you know. They say don’t talk too much about it you might scare her off. Just bang her and move on. Right? But what my experience was is I would date women even if it was for a short period of time and they’d still like me. I’d run into them, you know, a month later or a year later and they’d be like, Aziz! And, you know, this happened just a little while back I ran into a beautiful woman that I dated for a short period of time and I ended it and she was upset but we talked about it and was all that real connection. And, you know, I ran into her a couple of years later and I was with my wife and, you know, I introduced them and she was like really sweet with my wife and interested in her. So you can have this really this mutually beneficial experience where you don’t leave a trail of bodies in your wake.

Along with the kind of simulated connection that comes from the pickup artist stuff which gives us a lack of real intimacy, a lack of real connection, of really feeling like, oh we’re on this together. I like this person. They like me. They know me. I know them. Because it’s this whole role that you’re playing. In fact that’s another problem with pickup is you’re playing a role. You’re playing this character that you’ve constructed or learned. Because the pickup guys will mostly teach you what to say, how to do it, what to look like, sit like this, say like this, don’t say these kinds of things, say these kinds of things instead, do this because it builds attraction, don’t do this because it makes you look bad. And so you have this character, this role that you’re playing. And whenever we’re playing a role we’re not being fully authentic and as a result even if the role is successful we still don’t feel the benefits of it.

That’s why the story I was telling about with that woman, you know, sleeping with her I didn’t feel that amazing is because I was playing this role beforehand. I wasn’t really connecting with her. I didn’t feel really good and relaxed and totally myself. And so what’s happening is and this is as far from the pickup artist stuff as possible but I mean what I teach is very different is what is this really about is these positive feelings that I was talking about and really it’s about love. I mean, I don’t mean love as in, I love this person, you’re the one for me, I want to marry you, but just like positive energy. You making her laugh, You feel excited talking to her. She feels excited talking to you that’s why we sleep together, that’s why we have sex, right? It’s like it’s exciting and fun and there’s an exchange of energy there that it could be called love and we can’t let that in when we’re playing a role. It kind of bounces right off us. It doesn’t get into our hearts because our hearts are not exposed they’re kind of guarded when we play a role.

So, you know, there’s actually a really major problem with pickup that I haven’t gotten to yet that is I think one of the core fundamental ones. It’s sort of the source of a lot of these other problems and I want to give that a specific focus.

So one of the core problems with pickup probably with the fundamental problem is that the guys teaching it view it as a sales process. They view it just like a sales funnel or pipeline and even the language that a lot of them use is sales language and you know leads or if she is overcoming resistance. That’s a common term. Overcoming objections and resistance that’s sales language. That’s closing her. Then they’ll talk about, did you close her? Closing is a sales term as in you get the sale. And so what’s happening is people view it as a sales process and what that does is that makes people focused like they create this sort of system that they run women through.

And I remember one guy was telling me about how he used to studying these pickup artist things and certain guys in his community would have like a set of funnel that they’d run women through where they’d bring them to a certain place, they’d map it out like first they want to go here then we’re going to go to a high energy place then we’re going to go to a seductive place that’s within 200, you know, meters of my house and it was the same places they took each date to. They run her through this process. And that’s kind of a lot of the pickup stuff is like sort of running women through the same thing, you tell the same stories at the same time to get the same results. And the reason of the core problem is because it’s not a sales process. I mean, it could be if you make it that but then you’re going to have what I think the ultimate failure is which is success without fulfillment which is you get some results but it doesn’t feel great, it doesn’t give you what you want. And then you might just think, well shit maybe I need to sleep with more women, maybe I need to sleep with hotter women, maybe I need to have sex with her faster that would give me what I want. And it won’t because that’s not what it’s about. And then on top of that with the pickup artist stuff there can be this implication of perfection of somehow you could get any woman because that’s what often the marketing there’s like these false promises and the marketing of pickup artist stuff is really interesting and somewhat twisted if you’ve, I’m interested in marketing and I’ve been learning more about that and ass I study it I mean they have videos that come on there designed to shock you or like, warning, women will not like this video and it will be taken down because it’s controversial and it’s designed to hook you and then they’ll, you know, talk about sort of a lot of this stuff, you know. How they’re going to basically there’s this one woman that you want we’re going to teach you exactly what to say to not get rejected and make her want you.

And, you know, you can be more bold, you can be a different way in the world more of yourself that makes women more attracted to you and reject you less and of course you can do that. But they sort of make it seem like you should be able to get any woman and that’s not at all what I teach. You should be able to get any woman like how would you have to be in order to get any woman. You have to be like this super whatever malleable salesman who can say whatever you need to to get her and maybe you could pull that off to have sex with her once maybe but even that probably not, right? So won’t you much rather be more of yourself in every situation and the women that are attracted to you and you’re attracted to them something happens and the ones that, it’s just not a good fit. Just let them go and not worry about? I mean that’s how I wanted it to be.

Now one other problem with pickup is because there’s all these rules and roles and things to do and make sure you display yourself as this and don’t display low value and do that and just, you know, thousands of hours of teaching about it what you can see is people get in to patterns of over-strategizing. They get super in their heads. And I know I did this and I’ve seen a lot of clients that do this they get really in their heads and then they’re like, okay, I’m going to do this and she’s going to say that and I’m going to make sure I say this and all that. That’s too much of this. And you can just paralyze yourself. You can just stall out. The more in your head you are the less in the moment you are the less real connection you’re going to feel with her and then again you’re just going back to that pseudo connection.

So there’s all kinds of problems with pickup and at the end of the day, you know, you’re not just being truly and deeply comfortably yourself and although that’s kind of cheesy advice or people don’t know what that means and they roll their eyes, why should you be yourself and that’s not working. I was trying to be myself and no one was talking to me. But the who you think you are right now if you’re stuck and limited in fear or shyness or negative beliefs about yourself. That’s not who you really are. That’s just some stories. That’s just some BS And the key is to break through those and see who you really are. And the way you do that is you work on yourself, you listen to this show like you’re doing, you develop your self-esteem, you find your value, you speak up and you start taking risks in your life. You stop avoiding what scared you. You stop being passive in life and hoping things are going to happen for you and you say, you know what? I’m going to get into the fucking driver seat and I’m going to make something happen in my life. And you start speaking up and you start taking risks not just with women but anywhere in your life. Not just to get laid but because you want to be a better man, a better human, a better person. And one of those risks is to go talk to women and then you have to learn how to deal with women, how to interact with them, how to be all of your masculine self around them which allows you to not be scared and timid and weak and sort of gentle and pleasing and lets you just be real with them. Tease them like they were a buddy of yours.

Give them a little bit of a hard time. Be playful. Be unpredictable. Do whatever you want to do and not, you know, filter everything through, is she going to like this or not. And that comes from you being bold and authentic in yourself and then you can express yourself more and more and more and then you can learn how to handle a rejection or a no and you can do all of this without having to study a bunch of pickup artist stuff and you know of course the best way that I know how to do it is only that I created which was an exact alternative to the pickup artist stuff which is my program you might have heard of it, 30 Days to Dating Mastery. And if you to 30daystodatingmastery.com go there and enter your email and I will send you a free report. 7 Ways to Talk to Women Anywhere, Anytime. And then there’s no weird pickup artist stuff in there, there’s no, you know, 17 manipulation steps to get her through your sales funnel and close her rapidly. It is about how do you just boldly start to put yourself out there and then if you want to go deeper with it you get the whole program which would help you, you know, know your value on a core level, be able to take those risks. Be able to talk to anyone not just women and have great conversations, how to ask her out, how to do all these stuff in a way that it’s designed to radically transform your life not just get you laid. And, you know, along the way you’ll be able to sleep with women and have a great date. So, you can have both and the key here though is to really realize that you can shift this stuff, you can do it in a really healthy lasting powerful way which will actually lead into a great relationship and a lot of pickup artist stuff doesn’t lead into a great relationship as I said it’s use and discard attitude.

We’re out of time today. I mean I could keep going. I had a list of even more problems that I have with pickup. But I ran out of time and we got to end with what we always end with which is your action step.

Your action step today is to take a risk with a woman. I’m going to leave it real vague like that. Take some risk with no matter what your situation is maybe you’re not talking to any women at all so for you walking on the street and saying hi to a woman as you walk by here would be a risk. So do that. If you’re kind of already beyond that level and you’re talking to some women and maybe the risk would be to flirt with a woman, to tease her a little bit, to make a joke. Maybe the risk for you will be to ask a certain woman out. Maybe there’s a crush who you’ve been pining over for 3 months. You know, walk up and talk to her and then at the end of your conversation say, hey, I’d love to hang out again. What’s your number. Or, let’s get some coffee give me your email. Right? And if that’s, you know, frying your circuits check out 30 Days to Dating Mastery and learn to do all that stuff. Or whatever it is take a risk because that’s how you’re going to learn. That’s how you’re going to grow and you don’t need to learn 5000 ways to do it and all the closing strategies just get out there and start doing it. You will learn. If you want to learn more rapidly check `out my program.

Go to Shrink for the Shy Guy. Leave comments. Go to the Facebook page of facebook.com/socialconfidence. You know, share. Talk about your experience. We want to help each other in this process and know that when you invest your energy, your focus, your intention on growing in this area and getting better you absolutely can do it.

So thanks for listening today I am excited to talk with you in future episodes. And until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.

Music Credit

All music is licensed or royalty free.

Intro:
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Ask The Shrink:
Boccherini Minuet
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Action Step:
Justin Crosby – Skrillit
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Outro:
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