Discover How To Truly Accept Yourself In All Situations
Do you like yourself? Do you accept yourself no matter what?
For most people, these sound like good goals, but are often hard to achieve in daily life. Join Dr. Aziz to discover your underlying psychology, and how to set yourself up to be on your own side no matter what.
Click below to hear this episode!
The Underlying Psychology Of Self-Acceptance
Hey, welcome to today’s show. I’m Dr. Aziz and I am incredibly excited to be with you today as in today’s show we’re going to be going into something that I know from personal experience deep down to my core, it’s something that I keep coming backing to as a lesson that I keep learning in my life. It’s I think the core of confidence. It really is the most important thing I believe in life even more important than your achievements or how social you are or if you have a hot girlfriend or you’re earning a lot of money or whatever being out there that you’re striving for, it truly is I believe the most important thing because it affects how you feel from day to day.
And if you feel like crap, it doesn’t matter what you have, does it? Like if you have a nice car, have you been in a situation like that, you know, I’ve had this way. I’ve been on vacation somewhere really nice and I’m like looking at, you know, a beautiful landscape or something and I’m depressed. I was kind of like, yeah, whatever or if I’m in a bad mood and I’m with my son and he is like, you know, the most cute, adorable thing in the world. If I am closed off, if I am not feeling good and I can’t appreciate it.
And I know you know that feeling where you’re doing good things or you’re seeing good things or you’re somewhere amazing but you just don’t feel good and so that’s why I’m excited about today because we’re going to learn what’s going on that produces this continual sense of dissatisfaction with yourself. And that’s why today’s show is the Secret to Self Acceptance. It truly is I believe an incredibly powerful secret and I know that might sound like well geez Aziz, how many secrets are there because you share a lot of things about self compassion and self acceptance but this one truly is extraordinaire.
And it’s something that I am continually learning in my own life. I’m going to share some very personal stories today about this how comes up for me in my life and how I can keep using it in the hopes that it helps you do the same. And so our outcome today in these next 30 minutes is to help you live today with a deeper felt sense of acceptance for yourself like truly relaxing into who you are right now without needing to be any different or better or I’ll accept myself when. And so we’re going to look at all that.
I’m going to teach you something really powerful that I learn from this old psychoanalytic dude. I’m trying to get him on the show in an interview. He is like 90 plus years old and I keep getting his voicemail. I don’t know if anyone checks it. I mean, for all I know he’s dead, I hope not because he’s an amazing teacher to me and I’ve read a lot of his books but I’m going to share one key powerful insight that really transform my life when I read it and so this can help you in this process.
Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Hate
So let’s just jump into it right now. Let’s look at self acceptance. What’s the opposite of self acceptance? Well, the opposite of self acceptance is self criticism, right? You judge yourself. You examine yourself or your situation in your own mind and you think no that’s not good, I don’t like that, what’s wrong with me, I should be this way, I should be able to do that. I shouldn’t have this problem and just there’s a tone to it, right? There’s kind of like when I do it I’m like, kind of like I’ve been to a lemon mold, disgusted with myself. I’m curling my lips and contempt and I have a little bit of a frown and my eyebrows go down in the middle, I’m angry at myself.
And we call it self attack, we call it self criticism, a Theodore Reuben who is the amazing guy that I mentioned that I wanted to interview, he calls it self hate. And it’s a powerful word. I remember I taught a workshop one time I was at this hippy festival thing in Oregon and I was going to do this workshop there and I called it self hate and self compassion, you know, because that’s really what we’re going to looking at. And it freaked a lot of people out like a lot of people didn’t come to the workshop like they ran into me later on, they’re like yeah, so you do that thing.
I don’t know man, I know self hate and want to get near that with a 10-foot pole. And it’s an intense word and I think Theodore Rueben uses that on purpose. It cut through any euphemism you might use. Oh yeah I’m a little hard on myself. No, when you get down to it, you’re hating yourself. I mean, you’re like against yourself. A teacher of mine, Elliot Gallery who I really respect in a minor house, and a man who is over his three years, he said you are not right in yourself. So let’s help you get right in yourself.
But what’s going on is we’re attacking ourselves in our minds. We’re hating ourselves. We are demanding and here is the key piece, you are demanding that you be different in someway. But where does that happen if you right now in your life. Maybe you, we’re somewhere in the social interaction you didn’t go interact with people. You held back, you hesitated, you are frightened. And then this voice is like what’s wrong with you? Like gritting its teeth in anger at you, you should have said this, you should have done that.
Why are you always so this way and you needed to do this more and you suck and you’re never going to get any better and there is something terribly wrong with you. Am I ringing any bells here? That was a really common form of self hate that I had for years or you did go talk to someone, right? You had a social interaction but it didn’t go well enough. You should have said that and they didn’t really like you or they were bored or they talk with you for 10 minutes and then they went to go talk to someone else and they think that other person is better than you are or you went for it and you ask for a number and try to get a date and they said no.
Oh, I’m a loser, I’m a failure. I shouldn’t have tried, oh I should have been better, if I’ve been better then maybe she would have said yes, so on and so forth and this could be happening at work. I shouldn’t be nervous in those meetings, I should be more assertive, I should be more relaxed with people, I should be able to speak up more confidently and assertively, you know, and on and on, right? I’m just listing the tip of the iceberg here. So hope this is just getting you thinking about where is it that I attack myself? Where is it that I criticize myself?
Where is it that I hate myself? I know it’s a strong word and makes us a little squeamish, we kind of like, no, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to go there but trust me, if you go there, you get tremendous power because if you call a spade a spade and like you’re whoa, I’m hating myself right now. You have power. You have power to shift things now or if you’re trying to pretend like it’s not so bad or that’s not happening, then you just kind of try to deal with it or ignore it or manage it but eating or, you know, getting some fast food or having some beers or smoking some pot or doing something to try to numb it out, watching a bunch of TV or Netflix shows or something.
And what we want to do is look at it honestly, directly in the face, say this is why I’m hating myself. So as I’m talking right now, perhaps you can be thinking of at least just one area, pick this one area in your life right now where you’re hard on yourself or you’re hating yourself or you criticize yourself. And just draw that into your mind right now, really think and then think what is it that I say to myself? What is it that this critique in me says that really laces in to me? What is it that I “should be” because what we’re going to do, we’re going to take a little break and then we’re going to get back in and we’re going to help you uncover something that when I discovered this, it was so powerful.
And trust me, I mean, I tried like I say that I, you know, I should be a woman that woman should have wanted me or something like that that’s why I know some criticism one and I’ll try like saying, no, she shouldn’t want me or it’s okay that she doesn’t want me. No one feel any different. I’m still hating myself. Yeah, it’s like the part of me like yeah right, you suck. And so we’re going to learn something way, way more powerful than that when we come back from the break. It’s going to help you really truly, deeply let go of something to be more relaxed in who you are. So we’re going to take a quick break, think about that one thing, that one are that you criticize yourself and I’ll be right back after this to help you shift it.
Pride Positions And Self-Acceptance
Self criticism, self hatred, we got an area now where you’re doing it. Now I’m going to teach you something that’s going to help you truly relieve this burden, this pressure, this constant striving to be better, to be more. And I know that. I mean trust me, I know that deeply in my core that pain of not feeling like I’m enough and thinking I need to do more. And so what’s happening here, this is what I learned from Theodore Rueben, incredibly powerful is what he calls a pride position.
Now, he is an analyst and if you’re not familiar with that, back in the days, Freud created a field called psychoanalysis where you sat on a couch which you might have seen in movies, you sit on the couch and you like look away from the person and they sit with a notepad and you just pre-associate and talk about stuff and the write things down and then, you know, it seemed to me well I’m everyday it was crazy. And then, you know, two years in, they say, yeah, so well clearly, that dream was of a train, that train represents penis and, you know, that the moon represents your mother and you want to sleep with your mother, something like that.
That’s kind of a caricature of analysis but the tradition has evolved greatly. I mean, these analysts are really in and that the short version of it is they’re really good at seeing what’s underneath the surface. And so but, they’d speak in jargon, it’s really dense. I’m going to have to pick up, I got a doctor and the stuff and I picked up books read my analyst and I’m like, I don’t know what the hell these guys are talking about. So what I’m going to do though is I’m going to break this concept down in something that’s so simple that you can understand it immediately because that’s really where power comes from, right? It’s really being able to get something.
So it’s called a pride position. What’s a pride position? Well a pride position is a way of seeing yourself that gives you a sense of pride. Simple enough? So if I see myself as I am the best with women, I’m a Don Juan, you know, like I can get any woman in the bed in 30 seconds flat, bam! You know, and I see myself as that, that’s a pride position. I feel proud of that, right, like I’m a badass. Yeah. And so we feel proud, right, so far so good but here is the thing, the pride position is based on something that’s not really true.
I’m not a Don Juan, I can’t get any woman in the bed in 30 seconds, right? I mean that seems pretty extreme. But what happens when my mind says that I should be able to be like that, it wants to be like that. Do you have something like this where you want to be the best at it? You wanted so bad, you wanted in your core. That’s the pride position. And here is what happens, your mind is like I got to be this way. I got to be this way in order to be enough. I got to be this good, I got to, I got to, I got to, no question. I got to.
And then what happens is sure sooner or later, reality shows up and says hey, Aziz, you’re not a Don Juan, you know, so I go talk to a woman and I start flirting with her and she’s like yeah, yeah, anyway I got to go somewhere else and I get away from. Bam right there in that moment, reality slapped me in the face. Wait a minute, wait a minute, I’m thinking I’m supposed to be here, I should be this Don Juan guy, I get sense of pride from thinking that I’m that and here reality is showing me that I’m not.
And then what happens? Massive self attack, self hatred, what’s wrong with you, you’re a loser, you’re pathetic and what is that self attack doing? It’s trying to drive you, to motivate you, to get back on the horse and work harder to get back to that pride position, to be that Don Juan. And I’ve seen this again and again. I’m working with a guy right now. He’s an awesome guy, a big heart, he’s a doctor, he loves, he want to, he wants to help people, he’s currently getting ground down by the hospital system that he’s working in. That’s a whole different tangent but he wants to help people.
He’s got a big heart, he is just like a big smile kind of boyish, really loving guy, very emotionally centered guy, a big heart and he’s always had a hard time with women, was the shy, nerdy doctor kid, you know, growing up, who is the braniac in the family and just never, you know, his brother was the outgoing guy and got the woman and he didn’t, that was his role. And so somewhere along the way, but long before he met me, he discovered pick artist teachings online.
And this guy, you know, he is a braniac so he just studies the shit out of it. And he knows everything. He knows this opener and that opener and that close and how to deal with LMR which stands for last minute resistance if you study that stuff which, it sounds like a car salesman or something but LMR and overcome this and do that, do the freeze out and he just go all the terms down. But he is not satisfied and it wasn’t really working that well and so he came to see me.
And I’m like okay, well, you know, I appreciate that you really thrown yourself in learning this stuff and I tried to learn that some of my stuff too and so I respect you for really taking action in this realm. And what is it that you ultimately want? And he wants to be that Don Juan. You know, he is tired of feeling powerless. He wants to just walk into a room and know what to say, bam, bam, bam, one, two, three steps system, so just dare, you know, her pants come off right there and he is the man. And that’s what he wants.
And anytime he is not that which he hasn’t really become yet, he is suffering, he is beating himself up and he is trying to get to this position right now as he speaks he is doing some pick artist emersion somewhere in Las Vegas to try to like get to the next level with getting this thing. And I’m like, all right, give it a shot man, let me know how it goes. And there is a pain, now there’s a suffering there. And I’m guilty of this too. When I was studying and trying to meet women, I was absolutely just like him.
I want to be the best, I want to get to this level where I’m so awesome with women that I’m amazing. Another old analyst name Karen Horney called it the quest for glory. Glory, I got to get to this thing. And why, because then it will be enough and that’s ultimately what he wants. He wants to feel acceptable and loveable and good as he is and he thinks if I can be this amazing, gets some approval and acceptance from women then I’m worthwhile. And I’m guilty of this too. And notice I just realized this not too long ago but I start out doing therapy with people, then I progressed in doing coaching and I was learning from a bunch of people about how to grow coaching practice.
And all of a sudden there is a new standard in the coaching world of like, you know, how many people come to your events and how many people are checking out your website and how much you’re fee is and how much people pay you per hour or per month or whatever to work with you. And I notice that I got into this, the state of more self criticism, more self attack, more driving. And I was suffering, I was really. I was also helping people and reaching out to more people but I was not feeling good as I did it.
I’m like, what is going on here and then I just thought, I need to try harder, I need to get more clients, I need to charge more, I need to have more of an impact. And then just the other day, I was like talking with my wife and I was like, you know, our kids went to bed. It was like, 11 pm which is crazy past our bed time. And we were just talking back and forth and I’m sharing about how struggling and I was like, wait a minute, I think this is a pride position. And I just like, go, hit me in the hands. I was like wait a minute, okay, okay, I see this thing.
I’m striving for this quest for glory. Now what is it? And that, that is how you’re going to break free, it’s incredible. So once you identified that it’s a pride position and again a pride position is some kind of extreme standard or goal or thing that you think you should be and you have this driving party that’s like making you get there because you got to get there in order to be good enough and loveable and worthwhile. And that and if she feel good you imagine that you’re there or that you’re almost there.
It’s the pride position. And just identifying, it helps but there is one last step we have to do in order to become free of it because you’re just seeing it and it’s like yup, that’s what I want to be and I want to keep beating myself to get there. That’s not ultimately going to get you free of it. There is one more step to help you really get free of it and I’m sure how it work with and the dating and pick up artists were all, how it worked in my life, now around building my business and you’re going to learn exactly how to do that in just one minute right after this break. So stay tuned and I’m looking forward to sharing that one.
Complete Self-Acceptance – The Way Out
Welcome back. So, how do we be free of this pride position? This is one of those instances where this is an internet radio show and I wish I could I was teaching someone, I was working with someone one on one or talking to an audience. I could see if people are getting it and I hope you’re getting it. If you don’t understand what I’m saying, if you’re scratching your hand, you’re like what’s the pride position thing? Send me an email at or just go to ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com and send me a voicemail through there. Just tell me like, I don’t get it and I will email you.
I’ll talk to you more about it. I really want to help you get this. By the way if you haven’t checked out ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com, go there, you can also go to the Facebook page and like that and all that good stuff. So, how do we be free of this? What we have to do is we have to identify what is the specifics of the pride position. What is the specifics? So, an example of this guy that I was working with around dating relationship, his pride position is like I can walk up to any woman, anywhere, anytime and bam, know exactly what to say to just totally seduce her, blow her mind, get her number, have her want to come home and sleep with me that day, that moment.
Pretty extreme, isn’t it? Well in case you’re thinking, well it’s just, he is a weirdo, it’s what am I. When I look at this thing of like, well was I suffering when I’m creating this coaching business and it was, I got to be, I gave him a name. I love to give him playful names by the way because it helps me distance from that part but that pride position was what I called super coach extraordinaire. What a super coach extraordinaire, is the guy who just jumps in to the field, is immediately successful, he’s got throngs of people who want to come to all of his events, all of his groups are instantaneously full, people are like wanting or waiting in line to pay him huge amounts of money just to grace him.
I can’t even say with a straight face at this point but honestly this was driving me and totally absurd. I had a pride position when I first started giving talks, public speaking that I was like the most amazing speaker in the world like everyone had to be on the edge of their seat like jaw-dropped having like life-changing experiences like, oh my God, I can’t barely contain myself because you’re so amazing, right? And so if I’m giving a talk and there are some dude in the back which actually happened, I give talks and there is like, I was doing it at Portland State University because I worked in their counseling center at that time.
And I go around to the student body and give talks. And there’d be like, you know, the two dudes in the back with the sideways hats like leaning against the back of the wall with their nice clothes to sleep. That’s not the most riveting, amazing speaker in the world. I’m a failure. I can hear that crippling feeling of being a failure because I didn’t meet to those pride positions. So you see how the pride positions are so extreme. And what we have to do in order to be free of it is we have to fight for our right to be a human being.
We have to fight to lower those standards from extreme quest for glory like inhuman standards of perfection and just drop them. Drop it to just being me, I’m just Aziz. I am someone who wants to help people, who is going to say with them and try to talk with them to help them make a shift in their lives. I’m not the best in the world, I am not, you know, with like having throngs of fans, whatever the pride position is demanding. I got more comfortable with women and enough to really connect with them and be myself around them and find the love of my life but I never was the Don Juan who could walk up to any women anywhere and, you know, push the 10 guys who are waiting around and just be the number one guy. I never got there.
Just letting it go, just being who I am, being who you are, letting go of standards, drop a little. And it’s a bit of a practice because the first instance of this, there’s a party that’s like, no, no I don’t want to let it go. And Theodor Reuben calls this part of him the omnipotent screamer. Now omnipotent means all powerful. So he called it the all powerful screamer, kind of like a two-year-old who is not getting his way. No, I don’t want to get this. I want to get that, right, like we have a part of it that’s like no, I want to be super coach extraordinaire. No I want all the women that like me.
You know, and like yells and like tries to demand then you get back on the horse, try harder and study more and work more and be more frantic, ah, exhausting. What if we just let go? What if you just drop that pride position right now in this moment? Let it go and set it so I don’t need to be the best. I don’t need to be completely unflappable, completely on top. I don’t need to win every trial. I don’t need to get on top of every business deal. I don’t need to make money on every single investment.
I can make mistakes. I can learn. I can be a human. I can have moods that shifts. I can be in a good mood, I can be in better. I can be on point and intelligent, sharp and focused and I can be kind of spaced. I can show up and do okay. What does it feel like to really just focus in that one pride position that you found just like what if you’re just to soften a little bit? Let go of some of those extreme standards. Bring them back down to a human level. Humans make mistakes. Humans are not machines. Humans get tired, humans have moods. Humans try something and then fail.
Humans put their effort into something and then give up sometimes. Humans feel confused at times. Humans get rejected, they don’t have every single person in the world love them and approve of them no matter what. There’s a lot of people that just don’t want to hang out with them. It’s just true for every single human being. Just take a deep breath in now through your nose and let it out. Just to feel like to let go of that pride position and you might feel a little spasm of that omnipotent screamer that’s like, oh, don’t let it go, be the best.
And just smile and say okay little guy, I got you. Yeah I’m working on and this doesn’t mean that you stop growing and stop trying things, I’m still going to keep, you know, creating these podcasts and putting cool stuff out in the world and working with people and having them, you know, be well paid for my work and grow and expand and create groups and seminars. I’m still going to do all that stuff. So this is by no means we think that if we lover the extreme standard that we’re just going to become this like slug in the middle of the room and we need to beat ourselves to motivate but that’s total bullshit.
You’re still going to do what your natural true expression, you’re still going to be you in the world. And if it’s you to create music or art or do well in business or master sales or give talks or, you know, whatever it is, that’s you, you’re going to keep doing it. You don’t need the omnipotent screamer. You don’t need that pride position to drive you so just let it go. And here is one thing about those pride positions which is so key is, they’re always about significance, aren’t they?
They’re always about me being the best, me being this, me being that. When it comes to women, it’s not about her, it’s not about connecting which you can offer her and really make her life better. It’s am I awesome enough to seduce her? She just becomes an object. And when I get wrapped up in the coaching thing, it’s not about am I touching this person and really helping them change their life and feeling the pride of that contribution and then like healthy pride?
It’s like did I get X number of people to come to this thing? It’s about me and that ultimately doesn’t serve anyone, really. So finding way to let go of that pride position, in fact that is your action step for the day, we’re going to jump into that right now.
Your action step for the day is something you’re actually been doing as you’ve been listening to this show. I’ve embedded little prompts and commands for you to find these things in yourself. But if you have not really solidified that, take a few minutes and just sit down and write out what your pride position is. And if you don’t know, then just pay attention through the next day. So when you’re criticizing yourself and then follow the chain backwards, say, I’m saying I suck. Okay, thank you critique.
Why do I suck? Well, your critique loves this when you ask because like oh I’ll tell you why, I won’t even wait for you to ask. I tell you why you suck. You know, and he, he is going to launch into his little dial trial about why you suck and then just listen for it, I mean like okay, what is it that he is demanding me to be? What is the pride position that he is demanding me to be at? There is your answer and then the next step, let go. Lower the standards. Just let go of them, be human, fight for that right.
And you sometimes have to get a little firm with yourself. When I do this, I get in to like my compassion itself and I’m like hey, hey, hey, you knock that off as if I’m like protecting, you know, my son from like a dog or something like, hey, hey, you back up, you stay away from him. And I’ll do that with myself. I know it’s crazy but I probably know by now if you listen to any of these shows that I’m a little crazy. And I think it’s a good thing to be a little crazy, be able to be out the box.
And so what I’ll do is I’ll say it out loud sometimes when no one is around, I was to be like hey, hey, knock that off, stop it, stop criticizing him. And it’s like I’m like protecting myself from this critique, from this self hatred. So that’s your action step for the day. Thanks for listening. I love sharing this stuff with you. I hope it’s helping and affecting you. Please let me know, I don’t want this to be just a one way experience. I want you to tell me how this is affecting you, how it’s helping you, how it’s shifting things in your life or if you don’t get something, so email me at Host-at-ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com. You know, so go to ShrinkForTheShyGuyc.com and just send a message through the website to me via voice or email.
And you can also call the hotline for the show or give a question, we want to do something I can answer your questions. So thank you so much for joining me today and I look forward to speaking with you again in the future. Until we do meet again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome.
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