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Hello, welcome to another episode of the show. Today is going to be all about letting go of needing everyone’s approval. A power secret I want to share with you. It’s going to really help you stop feeling that craving, needing, I need this person to like me and then all of that fear that comes on top of that. So you might not even be aware right now of the needing everyone’s approval, you might just feel anxious around people or nervous around certain people, certain kinds of people. It maybe someone you find attractive or groups of people or powerful people or whatever it is. In those situations, you might feel anxious, self-conscious, observing yourself, judging yourself and you might not be aware of this or although you might be if you listen to a lot of the show, what’s underneath that is actually you needing everyone’s approval there.
So, we’re going to talk about that and then how to be free of that, a secret to stop being that. So, I’m excited. This is powerful stuff, fresh out of a Mastermind call we just had in my Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind. I love those calls. We dive in deep and really dig into the stuff. And this is one of the most powerful transforming calls that many people that week and then during the next call said, “Something shifted in me in a really significant way from being on that call.” So I thought, let’s take the best nuggets and share them with you for free. Oh yes and thanks for listening. If you are enjoying the show, please do me a favor and go to shrink for the … well, wherever you found this, on iTunes, something on your podcast search, you can even go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and there’s a link there to go to iTunes but somewhere where you can leave the show a review, preferably a 5-star review but whatever you think it deserves but this will help me reach more people which is my goal.
And I, in the past, didn’t ask very much because it was of my own edge. It was uncomfortable but there’s a new chapter or there’s a chapter in my new book, I should say, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence which is called “asking” and it’s all about the power of asking. The more we ask for what we want, the more we get. And working, helping people work through all their discomfort and fear about asking. So it will be ironic if I was teaching that but then not doing it myself. So that’s my “ask,” if you’d like to give it a review. It can help me reach more people which is my goal. And let’s talk about how you can feel more comfortable, more relaxed, more powerful, more free around anyone. Are you ready? All right let’s do this.
So, when you’re feeling nervous around someone, usually you’re wanting something specific. You’re wanting them to like you, to laugh at your jokes, to smile, to be … think about that, there’s somebody you want whether it’s a beautiful woman you want to talk to you or a studly man or your boss at work or a new potential client or customer if you have your own business. And if you imagine that interaction going well, exactly how you’d want it to go, it’s probably going to involve them smiling or them laughing or them saying yes or something along those lines. And it doesn’t involve them shaking their head in confusion, having a grimace on their face and their mouth is all puckered up like they just smelled something terrible, right? That’s not the reaction that you want. So, at the core of it, we want approval, an approving energy toward this. Yes, I like you. You’re doing great. I want to help you. I want to buy from you. We want all the approving and we don’t want any of the disapproving.
To any situation where you’re nervous, just check right through your mind right now. Whose approval are you needing? If you’re nervous in a meeting at work, are you needing everyone’s approval or is it just one particular person, or a couple of people? And there’s some people there who you are like, “Man, I don’t care about them,” but some people, you’re like, “Oh, they better think I’m really smart or else…” and so smart. Their approval is kind of a vague or general term but there’s specific kinds of approving energy we want. We want people to think that we’re smart, that we’re funny, that we’re interesting, that we’re valuable, that we have something good to offer, that we’re worth whatever, love or attention or money or buying from us, hiring us. So, there’s specific instances in your life. I’m categorizing them all as approval right now. So here is the first problem, is trying to get that approval.
Here’s the thing, we all want it, of course right? That’s a human need. We’re social creatures. We want positive, harmonious interactions with each other. It feels good. It feels better when someone is smiling and laughing with you than when someone’s frowning and saying they don’t like you. That’s duh, so of course, we want the first one. But the problem is when we are trying to get it and on some level, we unconsciously feel like we need it or else, we’re not okay. And what this is like is, you have a cup inside of you and your cup is empty. And you’re going from interaction to interaction, conversation to conversation, potential dating partner to potential dating partner and you’re saying “Hey, can you put some water in my cup? Huh, you got a little water for me, please.”
And it’s hard, we don’t … there’s something about that. I mean as big as your heart is, as compassionate of a human as you are, when there’s that person who’s like asking something of you when you’re just walking to the store or walking down the street, isn’t there a part of you that like kind of doesn’t want to or just like, “I don’t want to deal with that or I don’t want to make eye contact with them or…” and sometimes maybe you give. And maybe you give generously but there’s something about that dynamic where it just doesn’t feel … you’re not like, “Hell yes. I’m excited to do it. And I feel great doing it,” usually, right? So there’s something about when we’re asking in that way and that kind of, “I need this.” There’s a little bit of a desperation or neediness to it and that is generally an unattractive energy. It’s an energy that we generally don’t respond well to. Maybe guilt or well, we do it to be nice but those are not great ways that we want people to respond to us. So, that is the first problem, this feeling like we’re needing it.
And this is especially important, I mean, in all areas of life but especially in dating and relationships. And so, we need to learn how to turn this around because if you approach women with that energy, which I did for many years, you just don’t get very good responses. They don’t really want to talk with you or they do but they’re just kind of friendly for a few minutes, but then don’t actually want to date you or they maybe … maybe they’ll go on one date but then don’t want more. I experienced all of those things and it was because I had this desperate kind of needy energy which tended to be very unattractive because I was needing her to approve of me. So if you relate to this, you’re probably human, we all do. And let’s talk about how to shift this, let’s talk about how to let go. So in the next segment, I’m going to share the secret to stop needing everyone’s approval. This is powerful. You’re going to want to listen to this.
So, what is the way out of this needing everyone’s approval? Well remember, I mentioned on the first part of the show about having a cup that’s empty and you’re going around trying to get people to fill it. So what you’re doing is you’re trying to get something from everyone that you meet, even if it’s subtle, even if you’re hiding it, you’re energetically trying to get something from them. And let me ask you this, when you’re going to talk to someone, are you going to be … let’s say it’s a total stranger, someone you’ve never met before. The only thing that you know right as they’re walking over towards you and so you could know this for certain, that you know that they’re going to try to get something from you or they’re going to try to give something to you, which one would you be more interested in? Well you’re probably like, “Well, it depends on what they’re trying to give me,” right? This is why I love this show being explicit because I can say this.
But have you seen that … it’s an older bit from Chris Rock where he talks about how behind everything that a man does when he’s interacting with a woman is he wants to have sex with her. And so he’s like buying her a drink and Chris Rock as like he’s saying, “Do you want a drink?” but what he’s really meaning is “Hey, do you want some dick?” So, if you’re listening, you’re probably like, “Well, it depends on what they want to give me,” but just in a general way, do you want to have someone trying to get something from you or someone who wants to give to you, to add to your life? And across the board, we as humans respond better to someone giving something to us than someone trying to get something. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for what you want or any of those lines but in general, we want to come from an attitude of what can I give here rather than what can I get. So, when I hear of a client or a man who’s just emailing me or someone who’s like, “I want to get laid or I want to get a woman.”
And it’s like, “Okay, that might be part of your problem.” Not that you want sex or that you have sexual desire or not, there’s something wrong with that, I mean that way of you trying to have that in your life is going to be less effective. Some might say sub-optimal, not bad but sub-optimal. So the way out is to fill your cup and become the source of approval. You fill that cup and then your cup is full and so when you meet someone, it’s kind of spilling over. Hey I got something for you. Well, what is it that you have for them? You don’t have to give them money or time or you help them move or something. No, what you give them is approval, is attention and approval.
Now, approval doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or approve of everything about them. It’s just in your energy, it’s in your eye contact, it’s in your attitude and it’s like, “Hey, you’re a valuable person. I’m going to engage with you. And I’m going to look at you. I’m going to talk with you, I’m going to give you my attention.” And when you’re looking for approval or how to give approval, you start to notice things differently. What do I like about this person? What’s funny about this person? How can I make this person laugh? How can I bring some joy or excitement or something fun to there, what’s a fun story I can share with them. Well, that’s an interesting question. I’m curious about that and I want to ask them. And you start to think in a totally different way. And you might be wondering, “Well, how do I fill my cup?” I mean that’s a vague … philosophically, it sounds good but how do I do that? Well, your cup is just love, man, right? And approval is just like a little form of love. So when your cup is empty, you’re trying to get that approval, you’re saying, “Hey, will you like me?” You’re devoid of liking, of love. So you need more love, that’s how you’re going to fill your cup. And how do you do that?
Well, first and foremost is transforming the way you relate to yourself, with self-love. And that is the biggest thing because that controls how you treat yourself, how you feel about yourself, how you interpret events in your life and whether you let them make you feel good or not and also how much you let in from others, because a lot of us have a little … like a little narrow straw, that’s the amount that we can let in of love from other people. It’s like a little tiny a bit, bit and we want to expand that. And one of the most powerful ways that I know how to do that would be through my program, The Confidence Code, which the whole first half of that program is about mastering your self-esteem, which then opens the doors for the second half of the program which is mastering conversation skills. But you can’t talk to people well if you don’t like yourself, if you don’t have that cup full. So, that’s a powerful way to start. You can go to yourconfidencecode.com and enter your email there to learn all about the program as well as I send you a free eBook as well.
So self-love, it’s how you fill the cup, other things that you do to just feel full of love. Maybe it’s time with your friends. I know for me, spending a couple hours or even longer with a good buddy that makes me laugh, man, I feel so charged up afterwards. I feel so full. My heart is full. My cup is full. Maybe even just interacting with people in the world around you instead of hiding from them and then closed off and don’t talk to me, just that casual interaction. Starting a conversation, asking them a question and you can actually fill the sense of fullness in you. But there’s something else that’s even more powerful and I want to take one more break here. I’m going to share it with you. So these are some general ways. We’re going to get to one very specific way that I think is going to turn everything around for you, around letting go of needing anyone’s approval.
So, here is a super powerful mindset or approach that’s really going to help you to stop needing everyone’s approval. Are you ready? And this is one of the specific things that came out of the Mastermind call I was mentioning earlier. Here is a powerful insight. Everyone needs love, everyone and you might … the way you’re holding it, you might see someone like beautiful woman or that successful business person or the person I want to be in the company or that really popular guy that everyone seems to like and wants to be his friend. You look at them as somehow different. Well, they don’t need love. They don’t need anything because they got it all going on. They got the money or they’re beautiful. They got attention or they’re popular but guess what, everyone needs love even that beautiful woman, even that powerful successful person, even that popular guy who’s got the friends and dresses cool and seems to have it all together. Because here’s the thing, deep down, who really loves themself 100% fully, unconditionally all the time? I mean that’s one of my goals in this life and I’m a perpetual student of that. That is not easy, that’s not just you flick a button and oh, I’m done forever. No, it’s a continual practice, right? And we keep learning deeper and deeper in more and more powerful ways to let go of conditional love, of judging ourselves, of being hard on ourselves, for our body or for a parent or for an outcome or anything. And we need to continue that practice but at the end of the day, everyone needs that love.
In fact, I used to do a lot of therapy back before I started coaching and I worked with all kinds of clients. And I worked in college settings and even high schools and then on to working with adults too and I ended up working with a number of very beautiful women. And guess what, tons of insecurity. In fact sometimes, some of these women were just so gorgeous but there was so much pain inside, so much comparing herself to other people and why this person is better than her or more attractive than her and so much … she would focus in on the negative parts of her body and hate them. And it’s remarkable because you’re like this is not what I would expect. This is someone who seems like they have it all together. So everyone needs love, everyone and when you know that and like you have something to give them, you don’t need to walk around being like, “I love everybody.” I mean maybe, maybe you’ll feel that way. I don’t know, but just more of like a little tone down, right? You can give approval to anyone, you can give them your attention. And you’ll know in the moment how it’s going to show up. You don’t have to pre-plan this, it’s an energy. It’s an attitude. It’s a place that you come from. What can I give here? How can I give love here? What do I love about this person? What do I like about this person? How can I compliment this person? How can I make this person laugh? And when you come from that, knowing deep down that everyone needs love, everyone’s vulnerable in that way, then unlock it’ll something powerful.
In fact, I touched on this in my book, The Art of Extraordinary Confidence which is awesome. You should pick up a copy. It’s available on Amazon and iTunes and Audible and get a Kindle paperback or audio version. And in there, I have a Hafiz poem which I’m going to read to you. One second, I’m going to grab the book right now. So, this Hafiz poem, if you don’t Hafiz, he’s a … I don’t know, 12th century or something Sufi poet and this poem is awesome that’s why I put in the book. So sit back, relax and listen to this.
With that moon language, admit something. Every one you see, you say to them love me. Of course you do not do this out loud otherwise, someone will call the cops. Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying with that sweet moon language what every other eye in this world is dying to hear. We all need love. We all want it. So, the most powerful way to stop needing everyone’s approval is to see that you were the source of approval. You’re not a beggar. You are the source. You have an unlimited source and the more you practice filling that cup, the more you can give it and the more you can give it, the more people are to drawn to you. The more magnetically charged you become. So that if you initiate, the person wants to talk with you back or the more you do this, you might even find people approaching you. People feel that energy and they’re drawn to you and it’s powerful.
Awesome and that, before we end though, we got to do one thing which is how you can turn it into action, that brings us to your action step.
Your action step for today is to practice being the source of approval. So when you go out to work, to social situation, whatever you have going on today or the next day, say, “What if I were the source of approval,” and then practice being that. Interacting with someone and noticing how can I give them approval right now? Maybe in a very subtle way, maybe in a very casual way, maybe just with my attention and my eye contact, whatever it is, so holding it that way, you were the source. And noticing how that affects how you show up, what you say, what you do. If anxiety evaporates and confidence emerges, whatever your experiences with that, the key is to keep practicing it, becoming that source of approval. And then finding ways to fill up your own cup with self-love, time with friends, talking with people in the world around you whatever it is that fills you up. A hobby, something that you love, a walk in the woods, art, music whatever fills your cup up so that you can give that love and be amazed at the response you get. Because when you give in that way, life gives you everything you want back in return and more.
Thanks for being with me today. Thanks for listening and I commend you for your commitment to transform into growing your confidence to higher and higher levels. You are a brother or a sister on the path and I love and appreciate you. Thanks so much for being with me today and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. Talk to you soon.
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