Discover How More People Than You Realize Are Eager To Talk With You
Do you see the world as a friendly place? Do you imagine that most people are intereted in talking with you, meeting you, and maybe even becoming your friend or girlfriend?
For most, this is NOT the picture of the world they have. In fact, the world seems scary, hostile, and quick to reject. People are cold and distant.
Join Dr. Aziz as he breaks through these ideas and helps you see that the world is, indeed, friendlier than you might think. You’ll also hear Dr. Aziz speak with a former client, Dominic, who has completely changed his view of the world over the last year.
Click below to hear this episode!
What Are Your Default Assumptions About Other People?
Hey, welcome to today’s episode. Today you are going to start to learn how to shift your assumptions about the world around you. That’s I why I call this show The World is a Friendly Place, because many of us are operating subconsciously with beliefs and assumptions that the world is not a friendly place.
So we’re going to get into that, in this intro here and then I’m going to jump into an interview with a former client, named Dominic, who transformed his life and he lived this shy story out for so many years and he did some amazing work and he totally gets it, totally broke through, has a amazing life now, girlfriend is really, if fully himself and knows he is and likes himself and there are so much that we can learn from his journey.
So we’re going to jump in that in just a moment and as always, want to get in touch with me, call the show hotline, leave a message, love to respond, love to answer your questions, hear about your success stories, call the show hotline or email at host-at-shrinkfortheshyguy.com, that’s . Also check out the Facebook, facebook.com/shrinkfortheshyguy. So, how do we shift our assumptions about the world? What do I mean by assumptions?
Well right now, when you’re walking down the street, even if you’re not consciously thinking about it, you have assumptions about the people around you. And what I found when I dig deep in to people that are shy or self-conscious or not being as fully confident as they like, they tend to assume that people are hostile, aggressive, harsh and rejecting. So it’s like, hey why don’t go talk to that person and see if they want to give their number, have a drink with you, oh no, I’m not going to do that, and if you explore deeper, why it’s like their anticipating not just, oh that’s so sweet, thank you for your offer I’m really flattered but I have a boyfriend.
They’re expecting, oh my god, why are you even talking to me? Why are you even standing within 50 feet of someone with my beauty and appearance and value and you, you retched worm, get away from you, right? We have this expectation for harsh, harsh rejection. And so what we do is we and you’re probably doing this in your own life right now if you’re not as confidence as you want to be is you’re not engaging. You’re not engaging with the world to the extent that you want to and you’re not talking to new people, you’re not making new friends, you’re not just chatting to people.
You go to a party and there’s a bunch of people that you know and a bunch of people you don’t know. You don’t talk to people that you don’t know. And you’re maybe not dating to level that you want, you’re not creating relationships that you want, you don’t have the coworker relationships with people that you work with, you don’t engage in some way or if you are expecting a harsh rejecting result, you might engage in a way that brings about that result. I know, mind boggling, right? Like why would we do that?
It’s a crazy thing, it’s called as self-fulfilling prophecy. So we assume people are going to reject us and we approach someone with a little bit of hard edge or a little bit of a, I’m not worth your time kind of vibe and sure enough that’s the response that we get because they pick up on our signals. So what I want to teach in this episode is that in reality, the world is a friendly place. You know, I mean like you can interact with people and the vast majority of the time especially if you have the right energy, people respond incredibly positively and people are amazed when I walk hangout with just friends or even clients and they see me interacting with people and they’re like, I can’t believe that person said yes to your request and because I request them the most absurd stuff as a game.
I can’t believe that they said yes to you, I can’t believe they wanted to talk to you. I thought they would’ve thrown a drink in your face, you know, asking them if I can I have a bite of their food off of their plate and getting it. It’s amazing how friendly the world is when you approach it with that assumption. So instead of me just telling you all about it, I want you to hear and learn from a guy who really lived this transformation, who went from a place of seeing the world as hostile, critical, rejecting, not just women but the entire world. And now he’s in the place of seeing things very, very different.
So let’s jump in to that interview with Dominic right now.
Today’s guest expert is an expert because he himself has traveled the road from shyness to much greater social confidence than the majority of people actually have. His name is Dominic and he started out in place of pretty strong shyness and social anxiety where he is afraid to put himself out there. And I had the privilege of working with Dominic and I was continually impressed and surprised at how much he got the steps and really applied them and really made consistent, fantastic progress and as a result his life started to open up.
And he went from a place of being very inhibited and worried that if he couldn’t make friends or people don’t want to be with him or if he could be in a relationship that was satisfying to him. And I watched him become the hub of a social network, not just having a few friends but really the center of it. And he was involved in a leadership position in a sports team, in school and he went on to, you know, last time, he was in a situation where he was choosing among several women that he wanted to date.
I’m sure he’s in a different place now or he’s in relationship, so just really amazing success in a lot of ways. And the one reason I want to have him on the show was I think that if you’re listening to this and you’re stuck in that place of shyness that you can really hear his story and he can give you a sense of hope or inspiration that you can get out of it and through our interview, you’re going to get some guidance, some tips, some ideas and strategies that you can use to follow in his path because it’s a fantastic journey that he’s made. So thank you so much for joining us and coming on the show Dominic, I appreciate that.
Dominic: Oh, you’re welcome.
Dr. Aziz: So, I did a little bit of an intro there about where you were but maybe just to paint more of a picture, can you start by sharing, you know, thinking back to even before we met and just where you were in that shyness, maybe help people understand what life was like or some of the challenges you had.
Dominic: Well, I mean one example is when I started at Portland State University where I went to, I often — we go into a classroom and by the end of the term I wouldn’t actually have known anybody by the end of the term, like of the class. So I remember thinking at the end of my first year and I really didn’t know, I didn’t really have any friends in Portland, at my university where I was going to. So, and I kind of got into an acceptance of that to the point where I just thought like that’s just how it kind it goes, like I’ll just do my own thing.
And it was more effort than it seemed to work to try and make that or more work that it seemed worth and to make that effort to try and go out and approach people or I just didn’t think that it was even going to happen like, anything I was going to do wasn’t going to have any type of beneficial reproductions for me. So, but yeah, I know it was lot of analyzing what people were going to think of you before you talked to them. Just predicting that there was no point in trying to talk to someone because they were most like they going to have already not like you, I mean mind reading I suppose what they call it.
Dr. Aziz: Sure, yeah that assuming of disapproval and I really personally relate form my, when I was really stuck in that place myself of that. There’s nothing, A, it’s so much effort to try to make something different and even if I did put all the effort in, it probably wouldn’t work out anyway. That’s a very kind of draining place to be and how did you feel about yourself in terms of being desirable to women or having something to offer in relationships and really seeing yourself as an attractive man that someone who would want to, a woman that you found beautiful would choose to be with you? How did you see that aspect of your life?
Dominic: I remember having a lot of jealousy. Jealousy towards like the fact that some people make it look so easy but I just, I couldn’t figure it out like I just could not figure out what they are doing that, you know, like it didn’t seem like they were magical or anything but like I just couldn’t, I couldn’t talk to women. It was frustrating because I knew what I wanted and I felt that like I kind of knew how it was supposed to happen that every time I approached the situation where I had a plan in my head. It wouldn’t go through.
I would, my nervousness or my anxiety would take over and I would never complete this which was funny because I would never complete the like elaborate plan than I had made in my head that I’ve been thinking for several hours or a week even sometimes considering if it was somebody that I am in contact with that long or like, you know, like planning and planning and I had a conversation late out, I was going to see this to this person. She was going to say this and then I was going to say this and she was going to laugh and oh it’s going to happen and then just like I approach the situation it wasn’t going to happen. And I was, I’m like, I mentally want to do it but physically I felt like I just couldn’t actually make it happen.
And it was a lot of self anger because it was like I knew that I wanted that to happen but I was just scared that it wasn’t like there was, I don’t quite know how to describe it really because it’s like, I didn’t think like I could see, yeah, I didn’t think I was hideous or anything but I could just feel that I didn’t have, that there was something better than me in a way like I’m not like at the bottom of the barrel but then they would choose somebody else over me.
Dr. Aziz: Right, yeah. There is definitely someone who has more to offer, is more attractive than…
Dominic: Yeah, and it came to the point like it was easier to just not even try than to like go up and realize that I wasn’t worthwhile or anything.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, oh man, this is like giving me flashbacks when I was in college. It’s like being in a class and there’s a woman that I have decide like I’d always pick one that was like, oh, she’s the one, she’s really beautiful and she’s just my type and she’s also, you know, whatever she draws, she do those cool things, she’s artistic. And I would spend, you know, let’s say, says it’s a Monday, Wednesday, Friday class, so I’d see her three times a week and early and earlier in college I wouldn’t, like 10 weeks would go by and I do nothing, later on six weeks could go by I do exactly what you’re describing, right, having all mapped out and avoid it week after week and eventually I’d try.
And then, yeah, usually get some sort of lukewarm response, like yeah, you seem really nice, let’s never hang out again kind of thing.
Dominic: Well, I think it’s funny of how much like you spend more time like in your head with this person than you actually probably do in a room with that.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, it’s like a fantasy.
Dominic: Like I just had all these ideas of like, oh it’s going to be great if this actually was to happen but it would never like get to that point because I would never like, you know, make the first hurdle or whatever.
Dr. Aziz: Sure, yeah. I mean that’s, it’s a lot safer up there in our heads than in the real world.
Dr. Aziz: We’re going to pause here and take a brief break and then we’re going to resume with our interview with Dominic. Hang tight.
Dr. Aziz: You know, one thing this reminds of and I don’t know if you remember this but I know when we first started having our conversations, you were bringing up this idea of normal, like I am, I’m not normal and I want to be more normal and people might tell that I’m just not this normal guy. And I think, you know, the reason I’m bringing it up is because so many people that I talked to with shyness have this sense of, there’s something not quite right with me. And do you remember that and if so, can you say a little more about your thought process at that time about being normal?
Dominic: Oh yeah. And it’s fine because like my idea of normal is just change so drastically now because I used to always compare myself. I think when you have anxiety, you usually spend a lot of time comparing yourself to others. And my conclusion was, is that I can’t do what most people do because I’m not normal like them. And that the reason that they’re able to go out with pretty girl and flirt which is a very scary sounding word to me back then, but the reason they’re able to do that, because they’re normal and I’m, I have something that I’m missing in me.
So, I literally, I can’t flirt. It’s not that I don’t know how to, I just literally I can’t flirt. So why even try? But I’ve kind of, as time gone on, I’ve realized that you are not a constant I suppose that like you are not, like normal or abnormal or like you are just, you’re always going to be able to change who you are. So like I’ve gotten myself closer to a place where now I’m able to do what I want but it doesn’t mean I’m more or less normal. I’m just, I’m more in control of, yeah I mean, yeah, I don’t know that place.
Dr. Aziz: Which is I think the ultimate goal anyway, you know, because normal is such a strange concept that I want to be like everyone else. And really, it’s, I want to be able to do what I want. I want to go after what I want and take on challenges and go introduce myself to someone if I want to be friends with them and that’s, there’s just so much choice and freedom that I think is a much better outcome than being “normal”, whatever that is anyway.
Dominic: Yeah, everyone has a different idea of what normal is, right? I mean you talk to anyone, they will never agree what normal is like I think you are the one of the people who taught me that but like normal for one person is not normal for another. And just yeah, the idea of being not normal doesn’t make any sense because you can always change who you are. So you’re not like a something.
Dr. Aziz: Sure. Oh man, and that is just a huge insight or realization of someone can really take that in being like I, because we define ourselves as this static thing.
Dr. Aziz: I am not good at this. I am incapable at that and, you know, any skill, if you think about anything that you’ve learned, when you first started out at it you sucked. And then you did it a lot and you got better whether it’s an instrument or sport or hobby or something. So I think that’s a really helpful reminder. And if we were to jump ahead to now, so here’s what I’d like to do. I’d like to ask you kind of give us some snapshot of what life is like now currently and then we’ll kind of get into the bridge, like well how did you get from there to where you are now?
So can you just share a little about how you see yourself now and what you’re able to do and what’s going on in your life and your relationships and all that stuff?
Dominic: Well, it’s, well as I’ve said, our belief to it, it’s very much more, the main difference I would say out of everything is much more a place of self control, as in like I have more control over or I feel that I have more control over like what’s happening in my life. I have more control over my social interactions. I have more control, if I see something that I want to have happen, I have a leadership decision I want to go on or a club I want to be part of, a friend that I want or a person I want to talk to and maybe become friends with, a girl that I want to approach and express that I’m interested, it’s not so much like there’s walls in the way like there were before.
Because I remember that being a big thing, it’s like there’s all these things around me that I kind of desired and like wish I could have the ability get to but there’s walls there, I couldn’t possibly go there. But now, it’s much more like if I have or want or anything, I can kind of see myself getting there. So, even getting into graduate school where I’m at now, the idea of being in a career position, I wanted that, right, I didn’t see myself being there like I could never be a professional person who is telling others, giving them advice or anything. But I can see myself kind of being like, I have confidence in myself that I, yeah if I say something to someone and a company or person, I can, you know, use my…I can do that now.
To same point I’ve actually transverse into this new person where I’m actually able to take on leadership positions which is a very difficult process to get to because I never thought of myself as being this type of person. But as of right now, in my grad school class, I am on the student council and not just any student council position but I am the, it’s quoted as the entertainment rep of the class which means that I run all the social functions of the class. It involves a lot of standing up. So we have an event coming up, I have stand up in the front of the class and announce it, explain what’s going to happen.
I have to coordinate things with people. There’s a lot of people looking to me to kind of like take care of things. So rather than what I used to be like where I used to like always want someone above you, so that way I was never held accountable like I just couldn’t think of the idea of being held accountable for something because I, I don’t know, I didn’t have the capabilities or something I guess in my mind. I have a lot of responsibility now. So if an event is going to go badly, it’s because I did not do a vey good job of taking care of it.
So, that where anybody accountability but I run, so we have like a Saint Patrick’s Day party type thing I guess. We just like of kind of got went to a local venue and invited everyone there. And I help run that all and we’re having an end of term get-together and I’ve decided where we going to that and of I’ve organize all the people and I’ve sent out the emails, and I stood in front the class as actually today, sounds fine, like today I once stood in front of the class and I announced it to everybody.
I told them what to expect in the time, the date and if you would gone to me 10 years ago and said that you have to stand in front of the class of 90 people, I probably would’ve tried just keep, stay. So, I mean there’s that aspect of the fact that like I’m able to take on, there’s more doors have been opened to me because I never really have desire to like be in a leadership position before because I just thought like, oh, it’s not even anything I want to do. But now actually the fact that I can be in leadership position, it’s very rewarding.
I kind of, I thrived off of it. I love making people happy I guess. If I’m actually organizing events and things and people come up and thank you and they say good job, and they congratulated me on the fact that everything went really well. And I feel that I, I don’t know, maybe because I’ve never really, you know, I mean haven’t been into, exposed this as much but like I thrive off of it and I feel really good about trying my hardest to make sure that people have a good time.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, I mean, that’s so, I think it highlights how, we know we all have a basic need to feel significant, to feel meaningful, special, worthwhile. And I think we’ll do anything to meet that need and you’re meeting it in a very positive way like I’m going to do my best to make a positive experience with these people and they’re going to thank me for it. And that meets that need in a really healthy way but in the past when you feel that’s totally impossible, we meet it in a less healthy way by like having a problem that no one can solve.
And I’m significant because I’m so messed up. I’m so different than everyone else but it’s just meeting it in such a healthy way is really reinforcing and then it makes you want to do more of it. And one thing I’m curious about as well, as you just mentioned before the call that you have a girlfriend. Can you share a little bit about your relationship and how you met her?
Dominic: Oh it’s actually a funny story. I went to a, when was that, I went to a wedding and I was talk, I knew the groom and I was talking to the groom and I was saying that I go to this university. And he goes, oh I know someone that works there. I think the one on the bridesmaids and I was like, oh that’s interesting. And so he said, yeah, you go talk to her. So we talked about — he introduced me to her. And so, I was talking to her, you know, about the school and stuff like that, all those, you know, kind of more on details and then I felt like that I’d be interested to get to know her better.
So I said, well hey, long we live in the same city, and you know, and we go and we are both like happen to be at the same like place all the time, maybe I get your number, we just hang out some time because I want to meet people in the area. And that’s kind of how it started out, like it was casual in a way.
Dr. Aziz: Sure. You smooth, smooth dawg you.
Dominic: Yeah. Well because I didn’t really know like whatever situation was or anything really at that point. Yeah, she, I remember like she was standing next to the bride at that time and I remember she like, she kind of like said, oh yeah and then she like gave a funny little smile to the bride. So I kind of think that she’s picked up on the fact that I was asking for her number for more reasons. But then I went and she works at the library at the school and I went and get the effort to go in and find her when she was working.
And then I walked up and just, you know, chit-chat with her a little bit. And then I said, hey I’m thinking of doing something this weekend, are you free this weekend? And she said, oh yeah free this weekend and then we, I kind of like bumbled in the ground a little bit because I think you have to, you normally, you’ll be nervous at any point when you’re kind of talking to a girl that you’re attracted to. But then I was like, all right, all right and I decide that the blunt approach is much better than the kind of over the top like, you know, alluding toward something the entire.
So I just said, actually I just want to ask you out like, would you want to go out to this bar being, you know, have a drink or something? And so, you know, she obviously agreed. And it’s been five months since then but I mean the big difference between this first date, in most first dates is that that I’ve had in my life is that I actually pursued this person like I made 100% of all the effort to go out of my way to go on a date with this person, and if I hadn’t, I mean like she wasn’t chasing me. I was the one who was approaching her the entire time.
Dr. Aziz: Yeah, and that just goes back time to what you’re saying about having more control and going for what you want. And I think there’s such rewards in that in. And I love what you said there about, you know, the alluding to it versus being blunt and that’s so common when we’re really shy, it’s sort of a nice guy approach, is well I don’t want her to think that I’m picking up her or asking her out because she’s going to be annoyed and offended. And so we end up just kind of beating around the bush and being very indirect.
And but what I found with women is for the most part boldness is rewarded. So the more boldness you can demonstrate in a respectful way, the better reactions and responses you tend to get. So I think she picked up on that and seem like it was, you know, you said obviously she said yes and that’s great. Of course she did, she’ll be crazy not to. So okay, that’s just a perfect snapshot of where you were and where you are now. And I guess the question that would be is, how would did that shift to happen? You know, and you can just start throwing out things that come to your mind. What do you think really helped you make that big shift?
That is all the time that we have for the interview today. You’re going to have to wait until next week where we finish up the interview to hear the rest of the story. And it is fascinating. So, stay tuned to that for next week. And now, in just a moment we’re going to your action step which is going to be incredibly important for you to really make that shift in your assumptions. It’s not an intellectual thing. You can start to get it intellectually but to really feel free and liberated in yourself and confident, you know my philosophy, you got to take action.
So today’s action step is something I call Friendly Greetings Practice. And you might have come across this one on my YouTube videos or in my programs but if you’ve not, this is incredibly powerful and even if you have, this is not a one time thing, this is a thing you can do daily. I’ve done this experiment hundreds of times literally and every time I’ve learn something, every time I built my confidence, every time it’s been valuable used of my time and it could only take five minutes.
So it’s incredible value, and it’s called friendly greetings practice. What that means is, you just walk down a busy street in your town or city where there’s a lot of foot traffic, you can do it in a mall if you want, you can do it in a place which has lot of shops or restaurants, walk on a busy street and you look at people and say hi to them. And you do it with boldness and vigor and like a minute. You know, when I take out guys to do, you know, live work and sessions and weekend intensives and stuff and we do the stuff together because, you know, you can get a real rapid transformation if someone’s there supporting you and guiding you and just helping you blast through obstacles.
And I’ll go out with them and invariably, when we first started, they’re kind of shuffling along and their heads down a little bit, and they’re like hey, hi there, hey. And most people ignore them. And so I encourage them to say it like you mean it. And what we’ll do is we’ll kind of walk away from the crowded area to like until uncrowded street and I’ll just do all kinds of games with them, like okay, now walk like you’re a bad ass, do the swagger. Now do this thing and then like hit your chest and say this and then do this in this voice and we do all these kinds of weird NLP stuff to break their patterns and help them get more in their body then they come back to the street.
And I say it like you mean it. And that means their shoulders are backed, their head is high, they’re looking at people and it’s like not just that you’re doing this exercise because you are supposed to, but hey, let me see how many people I can reach out and touch and say hi and have a positive impact on today. Then they get it. They start walking on the street and saying hey, how was it going? Hey there. And sure enough they get totally different responses. So do this and here’s the key, do this and get and greet 25 people.
That’s two, five. I know it’s a lot, 25 people. Now not all 25 have to say hi back, in fact there are certain percentage of people are just going to ignore but that’s their deal. So do this experiment. There are so many things you can learn from it. I can get it into all of it here but you will find out. Do it, get at least 25 hellos and I look forward to hearing that and let me know, leave me a message on the hotline, how it goes, success, challenges. I look forward to speaking with you.
Next week, we’re going to hear the rest of Dominic’s interview and we’re going to talk about this thing that he mentions in the interview next week about how we tend to idealize others, right. You tend to look at someone else and say like wow they’re so great, they’re so confident, they have it all figured out, man I suck. So you’re going to learn about that pattern, how to break it, hear more about how Dominic broke that pattern in himself and really start to develop a natural appreciation for who you are.
So that’s all I have in next week’s, stay tuned, subscribe if haven’t already, you can find how to subscribe on the website, shrinkfortheshyguy.com. And again, email me host-at-shrinkfortheshyguy, I’d love to hear from you and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome.
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