Do you want to be more engaging and more interesting when you’re having conversations with people?
Do you want people to be really fascinated when they’re talking with you in a business setting or personal setting, dating situation, where it feels like the person’s like hanging on your every word, they love talking with you and of course they want more?
If you want that, then stay tuned because I’m going to share with you three ways to become way more engaging and interesting in conversations.
Click below to hear this episode!
Hello. Welcome today’s episode of the show, I’m Dr. Aziz. This is, Shrink for the Shy Guy. And, how are you doing today? Are you pumped? I’m pumped. I got like five hours of sleep last night and drink some Yerba mate before coming into work this morning and I don’t really ever drink caffeine, pretty rarely as needed. Try not to get hooked on this stuff. So when I do, I am juiced. Let’s do this. I’m pumped.
So, I’m going to share with you three ways to be extremely interesting in conversations. And by the way, if you enjoy the show and you want to go deeper, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com, shrinkfortheshyguy.com. You can send me a message through the site and I’ve been … as you’ve been seeing, I’ve been doing some bonus episodes about ask the shrink or I’ll answer your questions. You send them in and it’s a good fit for the show. So go there, you can interact with me. You can also follow on facebook.com/socialconfidence. Find out about updates and all that good stuff.
And what I want to share today came out of one of my group sessions this week. So, I run a program called the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind and it’s limited to a very small number of people. And it’s a big investment to come into the program. It’s a year-long program and right now, the investment is $9,000 for the year. And people are super motivated, they get the weekly group calls with me, they come to all the weekends, they’re just ready to completely transform this area of their life. And I love those calls because inside of them, some of the most amazing distinctions happened. I learned how to teach stuff in a way more powerful way, it becomes very dynamic and alive. And what’s awesome for you is you get to learn the secrets and insights that I use in those calls to help people transform their lives now, so you get all that for free, bonus.
So, this came out of a call and there’s a member in the group who was struggling particularly with women but with a lot of people, where he could sort of interact with him for a few minutes and then the conversation would dry up. And he’d run out of things to say, he’d get nervous then and he’s like, “Ah.” He’d start to feel anxious. He would … then feel like they don’t want to talk to him anymore and the conversations would kind of fall apart. So, if you ever experienced that where you run out of things to say or it just seems like the person maybe he wants to talk to someone else, then that sucks, right? It’s no fun.
So, let’s talk about how you can be way more engaging, way more interesting. And here’s the beauty of it, you don’t have to memorize some … as the pickup artist call it, some high demonstration of value story that’s made up. Or like, “Yes, I was on a boat and I was the most popular guy on the boat. And everyone thought I was cool. I have high value, see? Want to go back to my place?” And we don’t have to do any of that stuff because that’s just weird manipulation stuff. This is really about how to be truly become interesting to others and how to do it by being more of you, which as you know I’m all about, right? It’s how to become get all there results, dates, awesome relationships, more income, better career or success, better friendships, more social confidence all by becoming more of you, the most confident version of you. So, that’s what we’re getting into today.
Let’s get started, three ways to become extremely interesting in conversations. Take some notes. I encourage you to do that. This is going to be a super valuable session today, episode if you will. Number one, share your enthusiasm. Share your enthusiasm for things. What I find hands down stops people from being engaged with you is you are too shut down, you’re too restricted in your energy. You don’t let your energy show. You don’t let your enthusiasm show maybe because you’re nervous. Maybe because you’re worried that they might not like what you’re talking about, they might judge you, they might not be that interested in it.
You assume that, so you hold back. And either you don’t tell them the things you’re really excited about, you don’t spontaneously share things that are interesting or cool to you. Or if you do talk or share, you’re holding back. You’re … because you’re tight, you’re nervous, you don’t want to get rejected. That means you’re … maybe you’re a little more monotone, your face isn’t as animated, your gestures are not as animated, you’re just … like less energy is coming out of you. And so the first thing you want to do is, you want to give yourself permission to share your enthusiasm. And don’t assume that other people aren’t going to be interested. Like, let yourself. And you know who I learned a ton from? Or who teaches me a ton about this? It’s actually little kids. I love it. So I have a … I used to not be that much of a kid person.
Now that I have two kids, I’m becoming way more of a kid person. I think kids are fascinating. And so my little guys, Zaim is two and a half right now. And sometimes I’ll get home at the end of a work day and I’ll have done some stuff with his mom and maybe a friend or something that came over. And now he’s at the age where he can start to tell me about it. So I’ll be like, I know they went to go see the ducks yesterday. And I’d be like, “So, what happened with the ducks?” Or sometimes I won’t even ask him. I’ll just say, “Hey Zaim.” And then I’ll say, “Saw the ducks.” “Yes, yes, saw the ducks.” And I say, “Oh, wow, you saw the ducks.” “Yes, no catch one. No catch one.” “Did you try to catch one?” “Yes. No, no catch it.” “You didn’t catch it?” “No.”
And he just starts telling me in his little … we call it “Zaim speak”, his little broken language about his experience with the ducks. There is no thought. He didn’t want to know about this. This is not interesting. This isn’t good enough story. And that’s … stop doing that. If you’re telling yourself like, “Well, this isn’t interesting enough because it’s not a major event. It’s not an adventure story. It doesn’t have an amazing point to it.” Just stop that. You don’t have to be amazing. You just have to be enthusiastic. And you got to find the stuff in your life that you’re enthusiastic about, and don’t judge it. You’re enthusiastic about a movie you just saw, share about that movie. “Oh my God, dude. I just watched…,” shit, I don’t know. I haven’t watched a movie a long time but first thing that came on my mind, this is from a while back but it was a new Mad Max movie. I was like, “Oh my God, I just watched a new Mad Max movie. It was awesome.”
And you tell them about it. Or “I just read this new book. It was really cool.” Or just the other day we had a friend over for dinner and him and I were chatting for a bit after the kids went to bed. And he’s in a totally different business than I am, totally different industry. And he just asked me how my work was going. And I was like “Oh my God. I’m so excited about this and on this project that I’m working on. I’m studying and practicing and learning.” And I just like start telling him all about it. And he … even, the first thing I said to him and he said, “Oh cool.” And he didn’t say, “Great, tell me more.” He just said, “Oh cool.” Now in the past, I would have taken that as like “Oh, he’s not interested. Oh, I’d better stop talking about this,” but we just want to share our enthusiasm. And the more the share, the more he asked questions and more engaged he became.
And so, let your enthusiasm show. Share your enthusiasm. And let go of whatever’s stopping you from doing that because you think … here’s one last thing I want to say about this before our break. You think that, “Okay, I don’t want to show all that because they’re going to reject me,” right? That’s why we’re holding back. They’re not going to like it. They’re not going to be interested. So, then you don’t do it. And then, what’s the result? Well, they don’t really want to talk to you. They’re not that engaged with you. They don’t want to hang out with you again. And what’s that, a rejection, right?
So, we bring about what we’re trying to avoid. So, just let that go. Let yourself be. Think back to when you were a little kid. When you just got excited about something, you just had to tell someone about it. That’s how you want to start sharing about anything in your life. “How was your weekend?” “Oh, this happened.” And it doesn’t have to be all positive stuff. Maybe they’re like, “Oh my God, we had a gas leak at the house, it was terrible,” right? But you’re enthusiastic about it. There’s energy there. Even if it’s like, “Oh, it was a big pain in the ass.” Or something you’re really interested in. So, share your enthusiasm.
We’re going to take a quick break. And when we get back, we’re going to talk about some super specific details of how to be really engaging with other people. And I’m going to give you some very specific examples of like what you can say. And then we’re going to need some ninja tricks, super-secret social tricks to make people love talking with you. So, you definitely want to stay tuned for the rest of this episode. We’ll be right back right after this.
Hey, it’s Dr. Aziz and I want to take a second to share something with you that is totally unique, that I don’t think anyone else out there is doing. And that is, my live weekend intensives. This is a place that we can come together and make rapid progress and radically breakthrough all this inner stuff that’s stopping you, those fears, those self-doubts. And also help you build real skills whether it’s conversation skills, how to deal with rejection and interact with people without being afraid or how to approach women and interact with them and not in some weird pickup artist way but in a really healthy, confident way. And help you boost that sense of trust in yourself that you do know how to interact with people. You do know what to say.
And these weekends are my favorite thing to do. They’re life transforming. And we’re doing three in 2016. We’re doing the Supremely Confident Conversation Master in March 2016. Then in June, we’re doing the Ultimate Confidence Breakthrough which is all about activating massive power in yourself and eliminating any fears or doubts or shyness that might be stopping you from just fully showing up as a badass in your dating life, your work life, your social life. And then, in beginning of October, we’re doing the Unlimited Dating Confidence Boot Camp. This is going to be how to take all the confidence stuff I teach and apply it to starting conversations, overcoming that fear of approaching women, being able to flirt and create attraction and then of course getting numbers, getting dates, finding a girlfriend whatever it is that you want to do.
And all of that is done in a really authentic powerful way. In fact this week … last weekend is so valuable that I even encouraged some of my clients and people or in groups who are married to come to the Unlimited Dating Confidence Boot Camp because what they learn in there is about how to become a powerful, charged, attractive man. And that’s valuable. If you’re single, it’s also valuable. If you’re in a relationship, it can really turn things around. In fact, one guy that came to that weekend, when he returned he said “I’ve had the best sex with my wife since our honeymoon,” after that weekend, so incredibly powerful. This is the place to make huge progress.
So, if you want to make 2016 just supercharged, I highly recommend going to socialconfidencecenter.com, it’s the website. And then click in on the events tab. You can get all the info. There are early bird specials to the events. And I suggest getting or securing a spot for those there … I keep them small on purpose so I can give people individualized attention so they will sell out. So go ahead and check out the list on the events page at socialcomfidencecenter.com. See what might be right for you and I would love to get to know you more, to work together over a weekend and to help you radically transform your confidence.
Okay, so secret number two. Way number two to become extremely interesting in conversations, are you ready? Be engaged when the other person is talking. Be highly engaged when the other person is talking. The more engaged and interested you are in the other person, in what they’re saying, the more fascinating and interesting they’re going to find it to talk with you. And you might know this, you might have heard this. I know this is one of Dale Carnegie’s big tricks in how to win friends and influence people is be very interested in them. It’s sort of the summary of a good chunk of his book there.
But what I found is often the problem especially if we have any level of shyness or hesitation or social anxiety is that, we have a hard time showing our engagement. And we don’t know how to do it. So, you might think like, “Okay, I should ask him questions or whatever,” but what questions do I ask him? And there’s way more to it. In fact, you can try to ask questions and seem like you’re engaged but if you’re not very good at it, you won’t get that across even if you are engaged. But we have to learn how to show it. So, this is about being more expressive. And here’s what I mean and I’ll give a story to demonstrate this.
And this all came out of the Mastermind Group which by the way, if you want to learn more about it, we have a bunch of info about it at confidenceunleashednow.com, go to confidenceunleashednow.com/mastermind. We’ll put a link down in the show notes so you can find out more about that program. We have about maybe three spots till open and then it’s going to be totally closed for about another six or seven months. So, super valuable if you want to learn more about that.
Anyway, here is what he was sharing. Basically, he was sharing that he had a conversation with a woman and he was practicing steering away from the … like boring topics of conversations like “So, where do you work? What do you do? Where do you live,” right? And just kind of interview questions and like be more interesting, playful asking what you really want to ask. So, he was doing well with that. That was kind of his challenge for the week. And he talked with a woman who started telling him this kind of funny story from her life. And here was this is the short version of the story.
She said that she pretended … when she was a little kid, she was five years old and she pretended to faint to get out of going to school. And I guess she did this one time. And her mom got really concerned and ended up taking her to the hospital where she did a blood test and they found nothing wrong with her. And her mom was all worried and so when they got home and she confessed to her mom that she faked it. And her mom was pissed. That’s the essence of the story, right? And so, as we dug in to see how he was listening to her because he found like after the story, he didn’t know what to say and the conversation kind of petered out. And I was like, “Oh my God, you could talk with a person for like an hour about this. This is fascinating.”
And that’s what you want to find, is you want to find the fascination in someone that you’re talking to and if you can’t get fascinated and then move on to someone else. There might just be no resonance there but most people or a lot of instances, we can find something to be interested about. So, the first way to show your engagement to the other person is you want to react as they’re telling you stuff. You don’t want to just sit there like a blank slate with no facial expressions, no movement, no sound. They’re talking into an empty brick wall. You want to be engaged so super basic; look at them in the eye. Second super basic, nudge your head a few times. Make sounds, hmm, ah, right?
And if someone’s telling you a story like this is kind of dramatic, she’s like “Yes, when I was a five-year old kid, I used to pretend to faint.” And I’d like, “What?” I might just interject that “what?” as they’re talking. Not to interrupt them but just to say, I’m reacting, right? And then she’s like “Yes, and then my mom took me to the hospital and they had to do a blood test.” “Oh no.” “Yes,” and then she confessed. “And then when … then I confessed, I told my mom the whole thing that I faked it.” And I say, “Oh my God,” right?
So, I’m like … I’m reacting to the drama of the story. Another example if someone’s like … like an example I used earlier like, “Yes, we had a gas leak over the weekend. We all had to evacuate.” “Oh no, sounds terrible,” right? I’m just reacting. When they tell you something really exciting and you react to that, see how that feels? Like being on the receiving end of that, you fell engage with, don’t you? That’s what we want to do. We want to let ourselves react.
Now, everyone has their own style. You got to be you but I know that being totally silent and like stone frozen is not your style. That might be a pattern that you picked up out of fear or social anxiety or something at some point but that’s not who you are. So, you want to free who you are and find your style. My style is to sometimes make these funny “what?” or whatever, I don’t know, influenced by The Simpsons or something but you’ve got to find your style, whatever it is for you. But you have to be engaged, you have to show your reactions. Then, when she’s telling the story, you want to find things you can ask them about. So in that story, here are the elements. She’s five years old, she pretended to faint to get out of going to school, the mom took her to the hospital, she got a blood test, she confessed when they got home, mom was upset. Now, what could you ask the person? What could you … where could you go with this?
What do you most you’re on to? What’s the thing that’s most interesting to you? What are some of the questions that come to your mind? Just notice what comes to your mind. Then if you’re waiting passively for me to tell you, you’re not going to learn as much as if you kind of fire off your own brain and start to build the wiring in your head that says like, “Oh, this is how I’m going to generate stuff fast in conversations.” This, building this muscle is how you become extremely confident in conversations and how you become a conversation Master.
That’s why at my event, Supremely Confident Conversation Master which happens in the spring each year, we practice this stuff. We do a bunch of exercises so you build a muscle like crazy. And we have people that leave there saying, they come in thinking, “I never know what to say. I run out of things to say and they leave realizing like, oh my God I have … I always have something to say,” because we build the heck out of that muscle. So, that’s what we’re doing right now.
So, here’s some questions that I came, that came to my mind when I was listening to the story. First of all, how did she pretend to faint? Like what, did she just fall over? Why did she choose fainting as her way to get out of school? Why didn’t you want to go to school in the first place? Like, that’s intense. What was it like to be at the hospital? What happened when you confessed? You said your mom was pissed like what did she do? Those are some of the things that I’d be curious about.
So, maybe you had those. Maybe you had other things. That’s fine, there’s no right thing here because the right thing is to be engaged in the story, to be there with them and to follow your own curiosity. Don’t look for like, what’s the thing that she wants me to ask her about? If you’re doing that, you’re trying to please the other person to get them to like you. Let that go. What are you most interested at? Because that’s going to create the most energy and engagement in the conversation because you’re not faking it then.
And there’s a way to take these questions that I just came up with you and put them on steroids. How to become way more engaging, dynamic and charismatic. So, not only do they feel like you’re engaged with them but they love talking with you. You make them laugh, you make them feel great. And these are what I call my ninja tricks, super-secret ninja tricks.
So, let’s talk about how to become even more engaging, dynamic and charismatic. Okay, so remember those questions that we came up with? Those things that you wanted to ask the person? Here’s a few tricks. If someone is telling you something, it’s okay to interrupt them if you’re engaged in what they’re talking about and you’re adding to them sharing, right? So, if someone’s saying, “Yes, when I was five years old, I pretended to get out of the school,” and you say, “Hey, what did you have for dinner last night?” And you interrupt them with something that’s totally unrelated. They’re going to be kind of like, “What the fuck.” It doesn’t feel good. And it’s okay to do that if you’re extremely bored, you don’t want to hear the story.
That’s a whole another topic about how to be more assertive but let’s hear trying to be engaged with them. But we sometimes think it’s not okay to interrupt. But actually, interrupting can be extremely engaging. And you can add to their story. So, here’s what I might do. She says, “Yes, I was … when I was … funny story when I was five, I actually used to pretend to faint to get out of going to school.” And right there I’d say, “Wait, wait, wait. You used to like pretend to faint?” So now, I’m interrupting but I’m building on the story, right? I’m like some dramatically reacting.
And then, this is where you can start using these ninja tricks. And ninja trick number one is, you comment on the question that you just asked in kind of a humorous way or a teasing way. So, let me demonstrate. That’s kind of an abstract thing to make it really tangible and simple for you to get, so you can start using it right away. So, I used to faint, pretend to faint when I was five years old. I’d say “What? Wait, wait, wait. You used to pretend to faint?” And then I’d say like, “Why did you pick that? That’s like the hardest thing to pick,” right? So, I’m commenting on that you she chose to faint. Like “Whoa, you used to faint? That’s like the hardest thing. Why would you do that?” Like that, seriously, that suggests a serious problem.
That’s not like Oh, I’m sick and I just want to stay home because I have a sore throat. Don’t take me to the doctor. You’re fainting, that means you kind of like got a brain tumor or something,” right? So, I’m adding all that and what am I doing? I’m making jokes, I’m being funny, I’m being playful, I’m just saying what comes to my mind and it’s totally about the story that she’s talking about. So, it’s still very engaged with that topic, right? So, that’s a Ninja trick is you comment on the question that you’re asking, right? So, another example of that, “I’m curious. Wait, let me ask you something. How exactly did you pretend to faint because have you ever seen someone actually faint?” So now, we’re doing a little bit of a tangent and I talked about this a lot at the weekend intensive but this is called an “open loop.”
So now, we’re still talking about the story but we’re kind of going into like a little bit of a tangent but it’s still related. And it actually creates very engaging conversations to be able do this. But anyway, you say, “Have you ever seen anyone faint?” And she might say, yes. She might say, no. And say, “Well, I’ve only seen it happen once and it was my brother and when someone faints, like he fell hard. He fell like a ton of bricks. And so when you say in this like five-year old version of you, did you actually do it like that? Or did you kind of like obviously fall over in sort of like a graceful way so you didn’t hurt yourself?” I’m kind of commenting on the question I asked which is, so how did you pretend to faint? Is this making sense?
So, you ask the question and then you make some comment about it. And it creates this engagement. And if you’re wondering, what kind of comment do I make? Whatever, whatever. I’m telling a story about my brother fainting. I’m saying it suggests a serious problem like a brain tumor, like I’m just making … I’m just saying whatever comes to my mind. And you can do this too when you give yourself permission to. So, that’s super powerful ninja trick number one.
Now another ninja trick is, when you ask your question … and by the way, I said you could interrupt to ask the questions. You don’t have to. She can tell the whole story and then at the end, you say, “Whoa” like then ask your question. But this is just to let you know there’s an option that you can interrupt. But regardless of when you’re asking this question, another thing to do it makes you super engaging is to use absurd scenarios. And if you want to get better at this, and I’m actually, I’ll do a whole … probably a whole another podcast on how to be funnier. But first of all, what shows like I’m a huge fan of The Simpsons. I watched a ton of Family Guy. I don’t really watch it anymore. Maybe it’s still going on I don’t know but, that kind of thing. They’re masters of absurd … it’s called “absurdism.”
It’s just creating scenarios that are so ridiculous that you just laugh. Like so unlikely, so unrealistic. So, an example to make a scenario absurd would be like, you ask the question like “So, why did you not…” Okay, there’s two that come to my mind right now. One is like, “Why did you not want to go to the school,” right? It’s an ordinary question. Then, you could say like “Where you having a fight with your boyfriend?” Remember, she’s five years old. That’s absurd, right? Anyway, no five-year old would really have… like a real boyfriend and would have this dramatic fight or something. So, it’s kind of funny because you create a scenario on the person’s mind of this five-year-old who’s having a fight with her boyfriend. It’s absurd. Another absurd thing would be like, “Wait. Hold on a second. I’m curious, how did you pretend to faint? Like as a five-year-old, did you know what fainting look like? Or did you do something like this?”
And then I would do like the kind of dramatic like kind of movie cinema woman from the Wild West faints. Like, “Oh my stars” and she puts her like back of her hand against her forehead and kind of like falls down. So, I’m creating this absurd imagery and I’m also using my body which is a whole another thing that we could talk about. But I am creating this absurd scenario of her fainting in this dramatic fashion. Do you see how … when you do that, it becomes way more fun to talk with you. You’re way more engaging, people don’t know what you’re going to say next. And you don’t know what you’re going to say next. It just comes out of you. That’s a lot more fun. So, that brings us to our action step.
So, your action step for today is to have a lot more fun in conversation. Let them be more engaging and fun and interesting. So remember, the three points are share your enthusiasm so you can practice that this week, be engaged with them and really show your engagement and three is some of these ninja tricks so you can practice these as well. And if you want to let … if you kind of get it but you don’t fully get how to use it, listen to the second half of this episode again because repetition is the mother of skill. So you will get it by you listen to it again, you listen to examples again, you really stay engaged. You’ll be able to use it in your life. And that’s what I want to encourage you to do this week for your action step.
Practice this stuff and just let yourself have more fun. Say those things that you want to say. Ask a question and paint a silly “you’re absurd” scenario. And you’ll be surprised, this doesn’t just have to be in a crazy setting like a bar. You could do this at work. I was … I mean when I worked in a larger clinic and I had a lot of co-workers, and I didn’t just work alone in my office. But even now with clients, I do it with perspective clients. I make people laugh. I’m funny, I do these engaging techniques because A, I have a way better time. And B, people tend to like you more.
So, try using it at work, with your friends, people you’re interested in dating. Just experiment more. Give yourself permission. And give yourself permission to mess up. We did an episode not too long ago about the fear of messing up and letting yourself mess up as you learn, man. So, just do that. Give yourself permission. Have more fun. And let me know how it goes. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com/ … I mean facebook.com/socialconfidence. Or a good point, you can go to socialconfidencecenter.com and get a free e-book there called, “Five Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confidence” which is super powerful. It’s the five steps that I used to transform my confidence level from just … I want to say loser, because I’m not going to judge myself like that.
But thinking I was a loser, feeling like a loser, not having things I wanted in my life to being way more comfortable, confident, outgoing, fun, funny, having an amazing relationship and I’m doing what I want to do in the world so, tons of confidence for all that stuff. Check it out, socialconfidencecenter.com and just enter your email there. And I also follow that up with a video training series. There are tons of good stuff. And, enjoy that. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level, that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.
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