How To Overcome Setbacks So You Can Make Massive Progress In Your Social Life
When you hit a setback or a failure, how do you handle it? Most people will get discouraged, pessimistic, and give up.
This is especially true in the building of social confidence.
Our minds will say, “I’ll never get it. I’m not cut out for this…”
This is completely FALSE. Join Dr. Aziz as he teaches you how to turn anything around, and how to turn failure into fuel that drives you forward even faster!
Click below to hear this episode!
Setback Are Inevitable
Hey welcome to today’s episode of the show. Today, were going to be looking at something that I know impacts you in your life because I know it impacts everyone. And that is how we deal with setbacks or failures or defeats, rejections, the stuff that just does not go the way that we want it to. And this happens all the time in life, doesn’t it?
I mean life doesn’t always go the way we want it to, we don’t always get the result that we want. So whether it’s that you were talking to someone and you’re very interested in them and looks like maybe you guys are going to go out on a date or something and then she disappears or says no or says she has a boyfriend and you feel defeated or deflated or discouraged or it might show up it in your work, right? You have a particular account or a potential client or a prospect of customer and it looks like it’s going to go well and it then it just falls through.
Or maybe you have a customer, an account, in your company, in your business with your personal clients and someone drops or ends prematurely or an agreement changes and all of a sudden something you thought was going to happen didn’t and you feel defeated. Or maybe you put your effort into something, you really tried something, tried some new system or program or something, thought it might help you in your business or your social life and it just doesn’t work. Or you have an experience of going to party and you’re having a bad time there again. One of these setbacks and one of these challenges and then you just have this natural response to feel disappointed, right?
And that’s what we’re going to be looking at today. How do we deal with that response? How do we handle that in our lives because it’s inevitable? We are not going to avoid that, we’re not going to… The only way to avoid any sort of setback, defeat or failure is to never do anything. And so I mean literally, unless you don’t leave your house and don’t interact with anyone, this is an inevitable part of life. And there’s some several ways that we can handle it, that are going to help us and serve us in several ways that we can handle it, that actually sets us back even further than it needs to and I am going to help you shift out of those things. So you don’t have to do that as well.
The Default Response To Setbacks
But let’s jump into what is the natural response to a setback because often times, people kind of have two major responses that I see. One is they just crumble. Have you ever done this? I have done this. Something happens you get a rejection and then you’re just “urghh” especially when I was early in the process of building my social confidence and dating relationships. I’d worked up the courage to talk to them. And if it didn’t go well, I would just, “ urghh” I would get into my car and I would be like “urghh” I’m completely deflated, I’m a loser, all that stuff. Criticism can start going that toxic coach can start acting up, you’re never going to get this, I knew you couldn’t do this,, “urghh”. And you just feel really deflated, really crumpled, really scared to try again and well get into why in a little bit, why that happens but that’s one major response.
And the other response is what I see from people who tend to be more, a little more confident to be having done some work on themselves and they do this. They try to just shrug it off and they say, “yes, no big deal; whatever, who cares; plenty of fish in the sea; didn’t bother me; I don’t care; I’m moving on; no big deal; no use crying over spilled milk; let’s go; come on. And that might seem like a better approach and in some ways, maybe it is, it’s a little more adaptive. But it also doesn’t quite work because I notice that underneath, or when I try to do that, don’t you still just kind of hurt underneath? Aren’t you just still feeling like crap? And then you’re trying to put this layer of positivity on top of a crap sandwich and it just doesn’t quite work?
And yet, you think you should be positive and so you try to pretend like it’s not bothering you? Have you ever been in that situation or seen someone do that? I know, I’ve fallen into that all the time when I was just trying to be more positive about it and sometimes it works. But often times it doesn’t but we just keep trying to make it work. And then you see a lot of people kind of flip between the two right? Positive, crushed and defeated. Positive, crushed and defeated. So what’s an alternative way?
An alternative way is to actually acknowledge and honor your feelings, validate your feelings. Give them something to validate is to make it honor it as true, it’s valid it’s true. Yes, I’m feeling that right now. And so what I suggest is right in the face of defeat, just give yourself some compassion, feel in your heart and just feel any natural sense of disappointment or loss. Really all defeat all rejection, all failure, all that stuff at its core is just lost. You lose something that you had or you lose the potential of something that you wanted. And you know what that is?
Loss is just grief. So it’s just something you might need to feel in your heart. Just like,” I’m disappointed, I’m feeling the loss of that” and just let yourself feel that loss. Don’t try to talk yourself out of it. Don’t turn into some terrible never ending pattern of defeat that’s your mind spitting on it right? Can you just feel it in your body? Can you just breathe and put your attention right on your chest and your heart and just feel that. Give yourself just a few minutes and say okay, it’s okay to feel maybe some empathy, empathy helps with feelings, right? And that’s okay to feel disappointed or discouraged, I really wanted that job or I really wanted the clients or I really wanted to get that date, or have that person say yes to me. Of course I’m feeling some loss about that.
It’s okay, it’s okay you can even put your hand on your heart as you do it and breathe and do it and it really kind of soothe. That is what you’re doing exactly, you’re soothing yourself. You’re giving yourself compassion and you’re dealing directly with the underlying root emotion rather than trying to spiral it into a bunch of negativity or kick it away and pretend like your just totally positive. Give yourself some time to honor those feeling.
One client I was working with who has been really practicing talking to women and building up his ability to expand his social confidence and he’s had a number of successes in the fact that he’s talking to a lot more women. He’s asking more women out and he still hasn’t quite had that breakthrough moment where he’s getting more yesses and he really feels that shift in his confidence. So sure enough there’s one woman he knows and he’s been talking with her for a little while. He asks her for her number and she says yes, awesome right? But then they were texting back and forth and she was just very evasive and always too busy, can’t do this, can’t do that. So he talked to her about it and he didn’t quite know if she really…she said she ended a relationship a month ago. And so perhaps she was kind of hurting still and being really busy with work and school and not available. Or he’s like maybe she’s just saying that to let me down gentle. So he didn’t know.
And regardless, he felt pain, he felt sad, he really liked her, they had great chemistry, great connection, great rapport, he would have been happy to date her. But, she wasn’t available, he got to know. And so he came in to see me the next day actually, his session was the next day and he was really discouraged and deflated. And instead of me saying “you know what, look at the bright side, look at all this stuff”, we just let him feel that way. And I said, that’s okay, I have that way, I find that there’s a natural dip and enthusiasm after a setback or a failure. A natural dip, it could be a couple of hours, it could be a day, if it’s a serious loss, like a relationship of many, many months or years, you can feel sad, you can feel the loss for months. And that’s idea that were not supposed to do, were just supposed to think positive and look on the bright side and be grateful, I think that’s bullshit. I think that we use that as a way to avoid the feelings that come when we lose something.
Now, let me clarify, I’m not talking about spiraling into a lot of negativity and saying that you suck and nothing ever is going to work out. That’s not feeling the loss, that’s just grinding away in self-criticism, in a weird way that’s you not trying to feel the loss as well. And I’m like counter intuitive but really be with the emotion, feel it, give your honor into feeling, allow yourself to feel it.
And then, we’re going to take a little break but when we get back I’m going to show how to avoid that trap of getting overly negative because sometimes people start to feel the feeling and then they just go into their mind and it’s just off to the races with all the negative self-criticism. I’m going to teach you how to deal with that why we do it in the first place after a defeat. And then of course how to move through that period more quickly and leave the situation overall as a net positive where your moving forward faster and further in your life with more confidence because of the defeat, because of the setback. So stay tuned will be right back after this.
Welcome back so remember I was talking before about feeling those feelings. But what about that pattern that we have of being crushed and going into hyper negative shut down mode. You know what I’m talking about it’s exactly what this client did. Nothing’s ever going to work out, look at he has asked four or five women out so far in this process and I’ve gotten five nos. it’s never going to work out, there’s something of me, I’m a loser and that’s the first place that that our mind goes to, right? There’s something wrong with me, it’s never going to work out, I’m not good enough, I’m some kind of loser. And that is not feeling your feelings. That’s going into some kind of shell and why does our mind do that? Why do we go to that place of its never going to work out? Have you ever wondered why you jump to that conclusion?
Well you know what happens is when we experience a loss, we don’t get what we want, we might call it a failure, we might call it a setback, a mistake, whatever you want to call it, we feel pain, right? Stay with me so far, it’s pretty basic, we feel pain. We feel emotional pain, we feel like someone is going to judge me. I feel embarrassed people know, I feel humiliated, or we feel the emotional pain of the judgment of being a failure. We also might feel physical pain which is pretty rare but I guess if you really failed a lot, you couldn’t pay your bills, you might get your power turned off and there’s a physical pain of being cold or even homeless. Usually that’s not what most of us face in modern culture unless we are sort of really struggling in some areas but we feel an emotional pain. And we don’t like that pain.
There’s a part of our brain that is entirely designed to avoid pain and potential threats and danger it’s called the Amygdala. And that part of the brain says, no pain, no pain, no pain. And so what happens is once we feel that pain, it calls back all the memories of other times that we felt that pain and you can think about it like a trial lawyer making a case. It’s like, look, we felt pain now from this experience of trying to ask that woman out or trying to go for that job or ask for that raise, we felt pain there. We felt pain here and in the past, X, Y and Z. Look at all these evidence, pieces. Here’s, my conclusion, don’t try in the future because if we don’t try, we won’t feel any pain.
That’s what’s that hyper negative shutdown place is trying to do. It’s trying to get us to not try ever again so we can avoid this damn pain and we don’t feel it ever again. Of course it’s a natural human response that’s what our brain is designed to do but it doesn’t work in your life. If you shut down and you conclude that you’ll never going to feel that pain again by avoiding it forever, what are you also going to miss out on? You’re going to miss out on success, the thing you want, the money, the income, the job, the friends, the relationship. You are going to miss out on that stuff, right because you have to try again in order to create that. But that part of our mind in that moment is like this hurts too much, I just don’t want, I just can’t, no, no, I’ll just shutdown, shutdown.
And this is incredibly natural, normal part of the process both the feelings of loss and defeat and that desire to shut down and not try again. I have been working with this stuff, my story many, for many years, I work with people all day long. I think about it and I focus on, I always grow my confidence, and applying what I’m teaching and this still happens to me.
In fact just the other day, I had an experience where I was just working; I’m pretty full with clients right now. And one client I really liked and were doing really good work, were about three months into our process and he was one of the top clients he his achieving a great amount. It’s going really well and at the end of our last session, he says Aziz I have to stop. And I was like “why, were doing great work and he was like “I don’t know, it’s just like the finances, I don’t know if I can afford this,” and so on and so forth. And it’s challenging because I felt the sense of like, “ohh, well that’s unfortunate.” I really want to keep working with this guy, he’s really great. Well it was like; well let’s talk about it later in the week right because it was the end of the session we don’t have much time so were going to talk about it.
And after the session, I felt that exact stuff we were talking about, I felt that loss, right that potential loss and that defeat before it started coming in. Oh there we go, we lost another one, didn’t fully help him as much as you wanted to. Oh man, maybe you’re not a very good coach after all; maybe no other clients are going to come in the future because you’re not good enough. If you were better than he would stay and would have completed. Oh, you should have done more; no one’s going to come to you in the future. Oh, you’re and so on and so forth, right this is just a little window. And I’ve been doing this stuff for ever and so it still happens.
One thing I want you to realize is this all process of building your confidence is not about eliminating the negative voice and never having it again and never feeling negative emotions. If anyone is trying to sell you that in a product or program, look out. The reality is to not be held back by this stuff. So I know this well enough where… actually I got home that night and I was feeling a lot, I was like you know what I just need to be a patient with myself. Just let myself feel these feelings. I could see my mind spiraling into some negativity. I’m just going to sleep and rest and in the morning, I’m going to work on this when I’m recharged.
And so I woke up in the morning and I’m still feeling that lost feeling but then, I was like, you know what, I’m going to work with my mind, to grow from this experience. To work with this experience so it doesn’t hold me back because that is the key thing that you want from any setback or failure. Not that you don’t feel any negative feelings, but that they don’t hold you back. That you don’t buy into that story that says you’re not good enough and don’t try again in the future because it’s not going to work out. That is complete and total bullshit. And so what we need to do, is we need to honor our feelings but then not spiral into that never ending pattern of defeat. And to replace that pattern with something that actually helps you grow and inspires you.
So were going to take a quick break right now and when we get back I’m going to share exactly with you what that pattern is, what I do with my own life and what I teach my private clients to do, I’ll talk to you soon, hold on one second.
Welcome back so how do we deal with that defeat or that setback in a way that actually propels us forward faster so were stronger, we’re more able to take on we are more resilient rather than being broken down. And there’s a great quote from Churchill, about being able to move from failure to failure with no lack of enthusiasm and that it truly is a deep source of confidence to be able to keep going and face the one out there, because that’s really the ultimate path to success right, ever successful in business, in their career in their relationships, they have moved through a lot of failures and rejections along the way. No one just tries once and hits a home run. You strike out a lot along the way.
So first things first, I’m going to hammer this in, is you have to honor the feeling. Let yourself feel sad or down about it, miss it. Give yourself a little bit of time before you apply some of these techniques. Now you can try to apply these techniques and see how they work for you. If you notice that it feels like underneath you’re just sad and you’re putting a layer of positivity on a shit sandwich, let yourself just feel it for a… I say that term all the time and I kind of, I am just used to it. To me, it just means like it feels real bad, it’s a shit sandwich. But sometimes I’ll say that to someone and then they will crinkle up their nose cause there actually imagining that. And they’re like uh, gross. I’m like, sorry I just use it like a metaphor.
Anyway, what you want to do is honor you’re feelings but then at some point, after a little bit of time you need to start applying these techniques so you don’t take the wrong conclusion which is I suck and don’t ever try again. So what are some of those techniques, what do I do, what do I teach clients to do?
The first thing is you got to remind yourself of your identity and your ideal self. You got to reorient yourself back on who you are, who you want to be in the world and what you’re moving towards. So what I did after this situation with the client is, I rested, kind of get my body back. And the next morning, I started working out and I put on some loud music in my headphones, some techno, and I was just like above my head and I just start to speaking out loud and my wife is used to this by now. It’s like oh yeah he is doing is moves. Actually my little ten-month old son will kind of watch me when I do them sometime and he’s like you’re crazy man. But he doesn’t say that of course, he can’t talk, but he thinks it.
Anyway so I just like kind of whacked my chest and puff out my body and walk around the room and I’m like you know what, I’m an outstanding, exceptional, author, speaker, coach and I’m here to help as many people as I can. I’m on this path, I’m on this mission and I’m an outstanding author, speaker and coach and I’ve reached so many people. And I have helped this person and that person and I’m going to do this and I’m going to do that. I am an outstanding speaker, author and coach and I have helped so many people. And I just get myself pumped up and clear about what my goal is, what my new identity is, what I want to be who I am in the world. And that you can do it for any area, for your business, for your work. You know I’m an incredible sales man. I have this ability; I can speak to anyone and impact them. I am an incredible influence, or I am an incredible communicator.
Or for the area of dating relationships, I am an incredibly attractive man. Women are hoping that I am going to come talk with them. I have so much to offer in relationships, I have this to offer, I have that to offer. Women are, a women will be lucky to have me as her partner. Right so you call in that power and that strength in your body and remind yourself of your target of who you want to be in the world and who you are. And then from that place, you tap into the most powerful antidote to defeat. And that’s determination, right, because you can get back up. That’s what determination is to me, listen, I’m going to find a way and I have experienced so many setbacks and defeats to even be able to speak to you right now in this podcast.
Small defeats; of little challenges with technology in finding the right stuff, larger defeats; of not getting certain clients, of having rejections, of not knowing how to do things and not having business deals fall through in the process of growing this business that I have. And one, the reason I can do these podcasts for free is because I have grown my business in other areas so that’s funding me and supporting my life and my family so that I can go do and offer these things cause that’s my ultimately mission, is to be able to earn enough money that I don’t have to think about the money and I can just focus on expanding the reach and touching as many people as I can. And so we can eradicate this in a plague of social anxiety. It’s foolish, why should any of us feel it ever.
And so the reason I have been able to do all that is because of deep determination and every time I experienced a setback, I’d say, you know what; I’m going to get there. It might not be as quick as I want it to, but I’m going to get there. It may take me instead of one year, five years, or instead of five years, ten years to get the X goal; I am going to get there. I am determined. I am determined. And you find that deep determination in yourself. Not that I’m going to succeed every time, damn it, I’m going to keep doing this, until I get there. Nothing is going to make me stop. I’m going to try another approach and do it again, try another approach and do it again, try another approach and do it again.
Now can you find that determination in yourself do you have that, where is that? I am not going to say do you have it, I know you have it. It’s just a matter of activating it inside of yourself. Breathe deep. Open your eyes slightly wider. Let that air out and just feel that sense of determination, I am going to keep getting this until I get there. I’m going to keep doing this until I get there. Nothing can make me stop; I’m going to keep getting back up. That determination is what is going to lead to your ultimate success my friend. And I’ve seen that again and again in hundreds of people. And so I know without a doubt that it works. It’s just a matter of activating it inside of ourselves individually. So we got tapping into your identity, who you want to be, determination and then I found some measure of just taking small action can help me start to activate something. So you know what, I have several other people that reached out to me about coaching, I’m going to send them emails and see how they are doing and see if they want some help, or if there is some way I can serve them in their lives.
Right, so I take some action or this guy, he got a rejection from that woman, just walk around and take a busy day in a street and just go say hi to some people and as you walk by some attractive women, just smile and say hi to them. You don’t have to go out there and try to go date again right away. Just really take some small action that shows that part of your brain that’s saying, don’t try again, that shows that part of your brain, “you know what, I’m not stopping, I’m not stopping”. And that is the key take away for this entire conversation today is that in the face of defeat, you need to show your mind that you’re not stopping, you’re going to keep taking that action. And that’s what distinguishes the people that succeed from the people that don’t, it’s not intelligence, it’s not some unique born magical luck or talent. It’s that determination, that willingness to keep going, keep trying again.
And that’s absolutely ways to building your confidence; because that’s the fastest and most direct way to build your confidence, try something, fail, try again. Try something, fail, try again. So the more you can be on your own side of this process, the more you can use to let yourself feel your feelings, honor yourself, treat yourself with compassion. And I know if you’re listening to previous episodes, you know more how to do that by now. Treat yourself with compassion and then find that power source inside of you, that determination, that drive, that identity, that reminding yourself of who you are or in the world and then taking some small action that is one of the fastest and most powerful ways to deal with setbacks and defeat. And once you do that, your confidence will just continue to grow, continue to sky rocket.
So thanks so much for joining me today please by all means join in the conversation. Go to facebook.com/shrinkfortheshyguy, you can also go to the shrinkfortheshyguy.com and send me messages to through the websites. you can subscribes on iTunes, all kinds of stuff you can do on that website because I love hearing from you, hearing your questions, hearing your challenges and I look forward to speaking you soon. And till we do, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome.