Imagine Being Completely Free To Do What You Wanted Around Others…
What is social freedom? What would your life be like if you were free to talk, move, interact, and be however you wanted to be around others, without feeling nervous or worried about what they will think of you?
Join Dr. Aziz as he shares the 3 levels of social freedom AND some hilarious stories about how to achieve the highest level, no matter where you are starting from.
Click below to hear this episode!
The 3 Levels Of Social Freedom
Hey, welcome to today’s episode. Today we’re going to be talking about social freedom. I mean this is one of the most powerful, profound ideas or concepts that I teach because when you understand this, when you really get this in your body, what this can feel like, what this can do for your life, then life gets so much more incredible, so much better because the opposite of social freedom is where you might be right now in some area of your life, that’s social imprisonment, social inhibition, social fear, feeling stuck, held back.
In our previous episode, we talked about how to break out of the shyness prison but this is really way beyond breaking out of shyness. This is about becoming ultimately free to be who you are around anyone, to not be held back by concerns about what other people are going to think of you and you’re going to learn more about what social freedom is in this episode and I’m going to share some absolutely fascinating, fun, hilarious, interesting, intriguing, empowering stories about how to create that social freedom, not just as some concept in your mind but actually a felt experience in your heart, in your stomach where you’re just relaxed no matter where you are, no matter who you’re with, no matter what you’re doing.
Before we get in to those stories though, you have to get a framework of what social freedom is. And the way I like to share that is through a concept called the three levels of liberation. And side note by the way, if you don’t take notes while you listen to these episodes, I highly encourage that you do. You can write them out on sheet paper, you can open up a word file on your computer or a document file on your phone, just type some of the main ideas, some of the main points because that can really help you in your progress.
And by the way, if you’re interested in being connected to the show, then by all means please go to the site ShrinkForTheShy.com and like the Facebook page or get updates, all that sort of stuff. So what are the three levels of liberation? Well, really, there’s a level zero. So, I might say there’s four but there’s level one, I’m going to get to that in a minute but there’s really a level zero. And a level zero is where you don’t even know that you’re stuck, that you’re inhibited, that you’re afraid.
You just, that’s how life is and that’s how I lived for many years and I’ll say a little more about that in a minute but level one is where most people are which is there is something you want to do. Whether that’s create a project, start something new, go talk to someone, give a talk, to put your art or your music or your writing out there, something. You want to do it but you’re scared, it’s terrifying. What if people don’t like it? What if I suck? What if I’m not good enough? What if she says no? What if they think that I’m ridiculous?
No, I’m not going to do that, I’ll pass. That’s level one where you know what you want but you’re scared of rejection of failure of the person saying no, of looking like a fool so you hold yourself back. At level zero, remember, that’s where you don’t even know what you want, you’re just kind of existing, you’re maybe numbing out with TV or other things. That’s level zero. Level one is you know that you’re going to do it, level two is when you know what you want and you feel scared, you feel worried about the outcome, you think it might not go well but you do it anyway.
You find that courage inside of yourself, so just say, you know what, I’m just going to give it a shot, I’m just going to try and you just walk across the room and say, hey, how was it going? I want to come and talk to you or you pick up that phone and you call that person and say, hey, I want to set up a meeting with you to discuss X in our business or you make that call and see if someone is available for presentation for you to sell them something or influence them in some way.
You just go for it even though your heart is pounding and your stomach is tight and you got butterflies and you’re nervous, you do it anyway. And that’s level two, you know you’ve gone from level one to level two when the fear is still there but it doesn’t cripple you, it doesn’t hold you back in the same way. You can pierce through it, you can push through it. You have that courage and that strength to face what you’re afraid. Then level three, you might ask, well what’s level three? Is level three no fear? Is level three having absolutely no fear?
Maybe that’s an idea. I mean, that sounds fantastic. I don’t know anyone who experiences no fear, whatsoever in their nervous system, what are they, like a robot or something? No, rolling any scares especially if you’re pushing way beyond the edge because as you probably experience this, if you listen to previous episodes and applied what you learn, did the action steps, you start to realize that your comfort zone expands. So what once was terrifying and totally impossible for you, starts to become a little less scary and more possible and you do it again and again and again eventually becomes not that big of a deal.
But then what happens? You want to expand and knew something even more. I want to go talk to the woman that I’m really beautiful, I want to be able to go start a conversation with a group of several women who are talking and then all of a sudden, you know, more fear comes back. So, level three is not being fearless and having no fear in your nervous system. Here is what level three is, level three is when you really, deeply understand in your core, not just in your mind but in your heart and your core that you’re not doing anything wrong.
Not only are you not doing anything wrong, you’re actually helping people by putting yourself out there and this is a major turning point. This happen for me around dancing, I used to be around level zero at dancing. I didn’t want to do it, I hated it, I was terrified, I didn’t even think I wanted to and dancing stupid. Then I’m in the level one, where I was like, man, I wish I could dance. Look at those people, they’re looking like they’re having a lot of fun. Hey, woman like you when guys know how to dance. I wish I could do that but I’m terrified.
Level two was like, and that’s me getting out on the dance floor and kind of moving around in the whole time ahead, I’m like oh God, I’m so awkward, this is so uncomfortable, I look stupid but I’m doing it anyway. So, what’s level three? Well level three happened to me one time when there was a small venue one time and knew in the dance floor, there’s just a few people and there’s a lot of people kind of hanging out on the edges, you know that, where there’s a lot of people watching from the side and my biggest fear was that people watching would judge me.
Now it’s easier to overcome that fear if the room is just packed and there’s people everywhere but in this case there’s just a few people out there. So geez, I want to get out there and all those guys are watching on the side and they’re going to think I’m an idiot. But something happen in that day, I went from level two to level three and level three was as soon as I got out there and started dancing, I had the thought, you know what, I bet a lot of the guys watching right now wish they could be dancing.
Not that I’m doing something wrong and they’re judging me for it, in a way I’m really showing them what’s possible that they too can push through their fear and get out of here and really paving the way, had everything shifted. All of a sudden what I was doing was that some weird bad wrong thing that could be judged, it was actually an inspiring thing. I was helping others, I was really shifting other people in a positive way and for me that would just made it so much easier to push through any fear.
So, level three and then that comes to the example of dancing but say you want to start a conversation with someone in a supermarket. Level three is, I’m not doing anything wrong, I just like to talk to my fellow humans. You know, where as level two, you might think, well, this is a little inappropriate. They might not want to talk to me but I’ll do it anyway. Do you see the difference? And level three is where social freedom lives and you’re going to learn after the break how you can get there.
And I can tell you a bunch of steps all the while and I do love my systems and my steps but today I’m going to teach you through some stories about some fun, crazy, interesting stuff that I with a good friend of mine, we were in Phoenix over this last weekend and I’m going to share some of the fun encounters that we had in the ways that we built our social confidence which we’re always doing and experience social freedom. So stay tuned, we’ll get to that right after this.
How To Overcome Social Anxiety And Feel More Social Freedom
Social freedom, how do we get it? How do we experience it? Well, there are many ways to do it. I mean lots of repetitions at level two, doing something even through you’re scared of it but there’s also more fun ways to do it. And one of the best ways to do it is enlist a friend. Not doing it all your own, find someone who wants to experiment and grow and become more bold in their lives. And I have a great friend of mine that I do this with and we happen to be down in Phoenix doing a training.
And we had some downside before the training and after the training and we were sitting at a breakfast café, it was a beautiful day in Phoenix, sunny, warm, 85 degrees and it was a shaded café area with many tables about, maybe 20 tables outside and fountain and it was really a nice place. And we’re sitting there and I reached in to my pocket and I pulled out a six-sided dice or for those of you who are sticklers for the rules, a six-sided-dice because technically dice is actually, is for plural and I only that because of Dungeons and Dragons, matches and gathering, stuff like that.
But anyway, I pulled out a six-sided dice and I put on the table and he’s like, what the hell is that? And I was like, well you know, I read this book a number of years ago, it’s called the Dice Man. It’s actually banned to the United States for its sort of obscene content. And the premise of the book, I’ll just give you the 20-second-version here is this guy who is a psychiatrist and he was doing this really boring kind of analytical therapy where he did is repeat back what the person said while they looked away on like, you know, lying down on the couch.
And, you know, he’s class weren’t getting better, he was bored out of his mind, he didn’t like his wife, he was just like a miserable guy, right and he’s really stuck in his life, totally miserable. And one night he is drunk after a poker game and everyone has gone to bed and he is just like, you know, I just want to end my life, like everything is, what’s the point of this, he is really miserable but there’s a dice out on the table from the poker game or the gambling game they’re playing. And he says, you know what I’m going to do, I’m going to go if it’s a one through five, I’m just going to go to bed.
If it’s a six, I’m going to go downstairs and hit on this neighbor that I’ve seen downstairs in our building. She is married too and he is married. So like, I’m not condoning what this guy is doing, I’m just saying, he said I’m going to do something totally out of character and totally outlanders and sure enough he gets to six and he goes and he does it and it goes surprisingly well, it actually end up have an affair, well in the sense of him getting the outcome he wanted, not well in the sense of his relationship health.
But, what he started dong then is he started rolling the dice. He came up with decisions for himself, if it’s a one, I’ll do this, if it’s a two I’ll do that and he would just do it no matter what the dice said. So I told my friend the story and he’s looking at me and he is like, I don’t think you should have an affair Aziz. And I said to him, I’m not, I’m not, that’s not what I’m talking about. You miss the point. The point is I think we should come up with six social experiments, a little social inoculation, things that we could do to build our confidence that might be little uncomfortable, that might get us rejection or have people judge us and you roll the dice, you have to do whatever it is.
So I was like, okay, I’m on board. So, he is like, I’m going to go to the bathroom and I’m going to come back and I’ll come with a three and you’ll come with a three. I was like great. So while he was gone, I was like, okay, you know, you’ve been doing this for a while, like we’re pretty seasoned social at social confidence. So, you know, it has to be something a little tough, a little just to get our hearts pump and a little scary. So what I came up with was three. One I came up with, it was called, what I called ninja gun moves.
And there was like a wall near the tables that kind of winner as like this nice wood wall that went around to some other building. And so I said that if you roll that number, you have to go over towards the wall casually and all of a sudden you have to pop in a ninja mode where you will like jump up against the side of the wall and scurry along, maybe do a flip or a roll or twirl and then jump around the corner as if you’re holding, you know, make your fingers and do a gun, so it’s kind of a mixture of a silly ninja and gun moves.
The next one I came up with is what I called ice spoon. So, you have to take your spoon from your table, go over to a neighboring table and ask someone if you could get a spoon full of ice from their water cup. And the last thing I came up with which I love, I called shoe swap where you have to go find a guy in the vicinity and see if you could get him to temporarily swap shoes with you or at the very least try on one of his shoes. He doesn’t necessarily have to wear yours but you have to try on one of his shoes.
And so I thought of these things and I was chuckling to myself, I was like, oh these are good, he is scary. And he, and then my friend comes out of the bathroom, he suspects and he’s like what you got? And I told him and he is like, holy shit man, like I’m nervous, it’s just with you saying this, like what are you talking? These are intense. I was like, I know but, you know, we got to push. This is too easy otherwise. So he said, okay well, I’m going to come up with some easier ones just so we have some variation in the dice.
So the one he came up with was he had to give a compliment to someone, you know, nice, easy, casual. The next one he came up with is, he said, well you have to do a dance in public. And I said okay like what kind of dance? He is like, well I don’t know, a vigorous, a vigorous dance. So that one was, I wrote down public dance somewhat vigorous. And the next thing he said is like how about you have to get a high five from someone? I said great. So I put these things down. So now we have, I wrote them down on my phone.
One is compliment anyone, two is ninja gun moves, three is ice spoon, four is public dance, somewhat vigorous, five is getting a high five, naturally and six is the shoe swap. So, we get the dice and he is like who wants to go first? And he is like, man I’m nervous. Like rehearse problem and I was like me too man, I’m like my stomach is bubbling and he is like this is terrible. And I was like really like to me this feels like before you get on a roller coaster, you know, it’s like you’re about, you’re taking up and you’re like nervous that oh my God this is exciting at the same time.
And he is like, yeah, I like that. It is true. I do feel excited as well. And so, we decided who go first, it was me and I picked up the dice and I was going to roll the dice. And then I rolled it across the table and it comes up as two, ninja gun moves and the rules of game were, you have to do it right away and you also couldn’t tell people what you were doing. You can’t say I’m doing a social experiment right now, we’re not doing something strange because when you’re doing that you’re trying to explain it to everyone and get everyone still like you but the purpose of this is to go outside of your comfort zone to let people think you’re weird or it’s and just realize that it doesn’t matter how people view you.
So I rolled two, ninja gun moves which to be honest was actually one of the easiest ones for me to do. I was like, oh great, like being silly and stupid in public, I can do that. The question I have for you is which ones will be the scariest to you? Complimenting someone, doing some sort of ninja silly moves, asking someone if you get a spoon full of ice, dancing somewhat vigorously in public, getting a high five or asking someone if you could try on their shoe. What will be the most nerve-wrecking for you, interesting to think about.
I want to take a quit break and when we get back, I’m going to tell you about the ninja gun moves and a few other fascinating things that happen including a shoe swap. So stay tuned, we’ll be back and I’ll jump in with those right after this.
How To Break Out Of Shyness And Enjoy The Process!
Welcome back. So, ninja gun moves. I rolled the dice, it was a two and I knew that was ninja moves, I immediately got up and I started walking towards the wall. As I start walking to the wall, of course my heart started pounding, my stomach felt a little tight. That means I’m alive. So when I get up to the wall and I pulled my watch near my ear to pretend like I’m getting a secret message and I jumped up with my back against the wall. I start scurrying in kind of way. I noticed people from nearby tables kind of stop and look at me and I just keep doing what I’m doing.
I’m doing this ninja move, I do a little twirl. My sort of guiding idea was Jack Black, you know, who is awesome with physical humors. So I was just like over the top, I did this like weird, you know, kind of rollie twirlie thing and then jumped around the corner and did the gun. And a few people stopped and looked at me and then I had to walk back to my table which is walking back all pass to all those people and I was like, oh shit, I didn’t think about this part. So, I just walked like totally casually normally like as if I was just showing up for the first time to meet my friend.
I didn’t do anything weird and I know some people kind of look at me and they just don’t say anything, all that occur was inside of my own mind and I can make it mean whatever I wanted. And I made it mean, I did something ridiculous. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not bad, remember level three, I’m not doing anything wrong. And so my friend sat down, he is like, why you look so calm and confident doing that? I was like, actually it was not that hard for me being a goof in public man, I used to do that when I was a little kid.
And he was all red. He is like I think I’m more embarrassed for you than you are. And so it was turn and he got shoe swap. Oh but no, I think he got a compliment first and he did that one and then he got a shoe swap. And so there’s a table next to us, there’s a guy and a woman talking and from the looks of it they like they were just getting to know each other and first date or something like that, you know, they’re kind of, we overheard some talk about just, you know, what do you do and kind of sharing information.
And so my friend leans over and he says, you know, how was your guys food? And I’m like, oh you know, it was good, he is like oh yeah, this and they had a pancake. He is like are you going to eat the pancake and he chat with them for a few minutes or 30 seconds about their food and he is like, hey man, are those and he pointed at the guy’s shoes, he is like are those, and they’re Air Jordan’s but he didn’t know the name of it. So he is like, are those Nike’s? And the guys is like, yeah man, they’re, you know, Air Jordan’s.
He was like oh cool. Yeah, I’ve been looking for some comfortable tennis shoes and he pointed to his shoes which were dress shoes and he is like oh my God Aziz, you know, and they look goof but they’re not comfortable and, you know, what size are you? And the guy is like, oh 10 ½. He is like, you know, would you actually mind I’m looking to get a shoe. I’ll make sure it fits right. Would you might if I actually try it on you shoe for just real quick? And the guy is like, yeah, you know, no problem man. Sure, sure, just give me a second.
And so he reached down like takes off a shoe and when he is doing that, my friend is like you can try on mine too if you want. He is like, no, man, that’s all right. So there enough and, you know, my friend tries on the shoe and the girl is like oh those look nice and he is like, yeah thanks and he puts it on for a minute. Says thanks so much, gives him the shoe back, chat for a minute about one of his tattoos and we’re done. Introduced himself, gave his name. Holy shit, are you kidding me that you can have someone let you try on their shoe?
That’s what you might be thinking. That’s what I used to think before I did any of the stuff but the reality is, people are so open and friendly especially if you approach them in the right way and that, and they might say well what’s the point of that, I mean so we try on shoe, what’s the big deal? I mean that doesn’t mean anything in real life but it does because to do that takes an incredibly high level of what? Social freedom, freedom from doing something a little unusual, being able to make a strange request, being able to get a no or get a rejection along the way, being able to have someone stop and say I’m judging you, I don’t like what you’re doing but my friend was able to face all of that and face those things because he experiences this level of social freedom.
And again, not because he is born this way, he was very much like me. He had a very strong shy streak in him but because he has conditioned himself to practice again and again and again to break through. And then on the way back from the breakfast, we were walking towards the hotel where the conference was and I didn’t do my last dice roll and he is like, well you still have to do dice a roll. I was like okay. So, you know, walked across the sidewalk and rolled it and sure enough it comes up with public dance, somewhat vigorous.
And right across from where we were there is a train station where there’s about 20 people waiting for a local train. And so I casually walked across the street and kind of nestled in between a few people and I started bobbing y head like, hmm yeah, hmm yeah, I’m kind of just like make a little grunting noises then started dancing, bobbing my head and I was like, you know what, social freedom is being able to do anything. Again, as long as it’s a win-win, like I want to say you go hurt someone or something but as long as it’s not hurting anyone, being able to do anything, who cares what people think of me?
And so I knocked it up a notch. I started like dancing up and down the platform and beat boxing while I did it like…and just like dancing around and flaying my arms and then I found a guy who looked like the most hard like he look like kind of like an ex-convict or something like, you know tough skin tattoos, he was just like staring at me like who is this mother fucker, he was looking at me. And I just reach out my hand as I get to him, I’m like give me high five man. And he does, he gives me high five and then I, you know, end up my dancing and leave.
And actually as I walk back across the street, some people actually applauded which I thought was ridiculous but so, what are you learning from this? And I’m not saying these things to brag although I feel proud of my abilities because I have cultivated that from repetition, from practice, just doing it again and again and again. What are you learning as you hear this? What’s possible for you? What would you do with the maximum social freedom because the end game is not to be able to dance stupidly in public or ask someone to get their shoe, the end game is now I can take that level of social confidence and go a person, a person I want to have a conversation with.
I want to go ask that person about some business deal. I want to go talk to that woman that I’m attracted to. I want to go to that interview. This is transferrable, social freedom is a transferrable commodity. You can build it one area and transfer it to another. So the question I have for you is what would you do with more social freedom? How could you use that in your life? And that actually brings us to our action step. So our action step for today is create an opportunity to engage in social experiments today or tomorrow if you’re listening to this.
If you can get a friend, do it this weekend or something like that where you can find a friend and you can say hey let’s put it, I heard about this weird game, you know, social experiment, just come up with some fun stuff to do and you can pick whatever level you want. If dancing in public is like oh my God that’s ridiculous, don’t do that. Just make it stuff like compliment someone. Say hi to someone. Ask someone what time it is. Make those the dice rolls. Go out there, all the dice and see what happens.
Get a friend involve so it’s more fun and light-hearted and then see how your level of social freedom starts to transform. So thanks for joining me today. I really encourage you to apply this in your life, please send me emails or call the studio hotline if you like to connect with the show, leave message, I do respond to those question for the shrink, I’ll answer those as well. I love hearing from you, what you’re learning, what’s not working for you, anything that you want to share, I’m happy to respond to it and I’d be excited to share more.
Go to http://ShrinkForTheShyGuy.com, you could send me a voice message through that. I love when this is less than a one-way log and more of a conversation. I want to hear how you are doing with this material, how your social confidence is growing and ultimately what level of social freedom you’re starting to enjoy and experience? So thanks so much for joining me today and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome!
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Mind Over Matter
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