Have you been sitting somewhere and all of a sudden that dreaded fear, self doubt and imploding feeling rise up and make you feel like you aren’t good enough to be here.
No matter what setting at work, at a social gathering or in dating we are going to learn what to do When Social Anxiety Strikes.
What Do you Do When Social Anxiety Strikes
- Learn how to Shift the Pattern
- Break free of the implosion and turn it into an explosion force for growth for freedom for confidence
- To crush it and be you and have a more powerful experience than ever before!
Click below to hear this episode!
What do you do when social anxiety strikes? When you’re in a situation, whether it’s at work or a party or a gathering or dating, where no matter how much work you’ve done on yourself, that fear and self-doubt and imploding “I’m not good enough to be here feeling,” kicks in and starts to undercut your confidence, it starts to make you doubt yourself, what do you do when social anxiety strikes? In today’s show, you’re going to learn how to shift the pattern, how to break free of that implosion and turn it into an explosive force for growth, for freedom, for confidence, for liberation, for you to go into wherever the setting is and just crush it, just be you, and exactly what you want to do and ultimately enjoy yourself and have a more powerful experience than ever before. That’s what we’re going to learn in today’s show.
Ho, welcome to today’s episode of the show. When social anxiety strikes is what we are going to be talking about and I actually am really excited because I had a big lightning storm of social anxiety that happened just recently and I wanted to share about it because there is so much to learn in there. I got to go like deep … right into the trenches and just watch it happening in my own mind and heart and body and study it and see how did I work with this, how did I break free of this and I’m excited to share these cutting edge things with you that I know work because I teach them with other people but I’ve got the chance to apply it first hand in my own life and I’m excited to share more about that.
I’m also excited to share with you that tickets for the Ultimate confidence Breakthrough Weekend coming up here in Portland in June, June 17th through 19th, those tickets are available right now. The early bird is going right now. In fact, the early bird special closes tomorrow and then after that, the tickets go up to full price. So, now is that time to do it. if you’ve been thinking about it, you’ve been on the fence about it, I just … nothing more I can say than say, if you listen to this show, if you benefit at all from what we talk about here, this weekend is specifically designed for you and we’ll help you. We’ve had people from all walks of life, all ages, all genders, women are welcome too.
We had a number of women at the last event and ages too. I mean, we worked with people down there, there’s a 16-year old last event, people in their late 50s. I’d be happy to have people in their 80s there, I really don’t care because it’s not about your age, it’s not about your race or your gender. It’s about becoming the most powerful, confident version of you and that’s what this weekend is all about. And this weekend is about power.
Social power, not being scared of what other people think, not being scared of people at all, what would that be like? In fact, that’s what today’s episode is about so I’m so excited to share this stuff with you, is what if you were not scared of people at all, no matter what your relationship to them, whether they were your boss or supervisor or a woman, a beautiful woman. No matter how beautiful she is, let’s say you weren’t scared of her at all. What if you were not afraid of people in any way and what they thought of you, how they perceived you, what they said about you, what if it didn’t affect you?
What if you did not feel fear in any way? That might be a stretch to imagine that but trust me, when you are in that state, when you feel that way, when that’s your reality, life’s amazing, you’re liberated, you’re free. You feel good and it’s awesome. And I want you to experience that so, come join me for the weekend, super awesome opportunity there, if you’re in my mailing list, you’ll see emails about it and if you’re not, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com/event, E-V-E-N-T, event, shrinkfortheshyguy.com/event and you can find out all about the weekend.
So, what do you do when social anxiety strikes, how to not be scared of people. Let me share a little bit about that because this is something that really struck home for me because I help people with all kinds of areas of this stuff and for me, my biggest edge right now, because I’m always doing what scares me. I had a woman I was talking to this weekend and she said, “Oh, you help people with confidence, how do you do that? Or how did you do that?” Because she learned a little bit about my story and I said, “Well, I just did what scared me, a lot.” I mean like a lot and then learned a lot of other stuff on the way.
So, I’m still doing that. I’ve been doing what scares me until fear has no power over me for 14 years now. But the thing is, is what scares me is change so for a while, the start of the whole journey was I wanted to be able to meet women and date. I was lonely, I was single and I was feeling powerless to be able to talk to anyone particularly women and create those relationships.
So, that was my edge. And I worked on that for many years. And then it was how do I sustain a really awesome relationship where I feel free and expressive and not trapped and nice guy accommodating all that stuff? And so, at this point, to approach … I’m married too so I don’t even … it’s even easier because I like don’t need anything from an attractive woman, right? Like I don’t need your number or anything because I don’t … I’m not looking for anything from you. So, when talking to an attractive woman, yes, I could get nervous or something but it’s like pretty minimal so it doesn’t like trigger social anxiety.
Talking in groups, public speaking, that stuff doesn’t … because I’ve done it so much and done so much work on this that it doesn’t trigger all that fear. The two biggest edges for me are actually live events particularly the inviting the people and kind of gathering people and before it starts, it’s kind of like, I’m not good enough to do this. And then when I get it in and actually get out of my own head and focus on the people, I’m like, wow, this is amazing, like everyone is benefitting so much, this is … what a great environment and how much I can help these people and it feels really good.
So, that’s one edge, is live events and promoting them and all that stuff. But what’s fascinating was I didn’t even realize I had this edge until this opportunity came up and one of my mentors, he’s actually a coach of mine, I’m in his Mastermind Program, his name is Christian Mickelson. He’s an amazing teacher and he does a lot of coaching and training and that sort of thing and he has an event that he puts on where he gathers his closest business partners, strategic partners and they all meet for three days and they focus on business, how to optimize it, how to grow and pretty much everyone in the group is like a heavy hitter.
I mean, they all have big businesses, they have teams of people working for them. They do multimillion dollar years. They’re just … they’re really established, they’ve been doing it for many years. They’re leaders. They’re really inspiring people. And I noticed that I was very nervous before going to this. I thought, whoa, this is like a social situation, like a conference, you can think of it that way and I feel really nervous about it. And there was the nervousness of who am I to be here, I don’t know if I belong here. I’m not … first of all, a lot of these people are in the internet marketing world.
They teach people how to grow businesses online. Now, I don’t do that. I teach people how to be confident in their own lives. Okay. It’s still teaching but it’s pretty different so I’m like, I’m a different … I do a different thing and I don’t generate a million or more in business. Yes, I’m not at the same level … I’m a small fish, these are big fish. I’m just a little guy. And so there is an element of like, well, what if someone is like, why are you here and then not only, why are you here but like, why am I going to listen to you, you’re not worth my time because you’re not successful, as successful as me and even your ideas, let’s say, I’m talking to someone or I want to share something or I have an idea for their business or life or whatever, they’d be like, pfft, why you, how dare you, how dare you talk to me, who do you think you are? Right?
So, that was the way to the social anxiety was showing so I was kind of nervous before the event and then I said, okay, I see what’s happening here and I see how this is going to fuck me up if I stay with this mindset. So, that is the set up and I’m excited, we’re going to take a quick break. When we get back, I’m going to share with you the things I did, the specific secrets and strategies that I did to overcome social anxiety in myself to show up differently to interact with people freely and confidently and ultimately to just be fucking rock star at this conference. So, I’m excited to share with you.
So, what to do when social anxiety strikes? Well, first of all, to realize that social anxiety is not like an external lightning bolt event that’s striking you, I mean, I use that language but it’s actually something I’m doing. So, I’m like, okay, how am I doing this? What am I … that’s one of the first things I ask myself, well, how am I doing it? And I’m always curious about like, well, how am I holding this that creates fear. What am I … how am I holding myself, how am I seeing other people, what’s happening here?
And it was like I am worried about these people judging, right, I already shared that before. But why is that happening, why is that bothering me? Because on some level, I’m wanting the people here that I haven’t met yet to like me, to respect me, to think I’m worthwhile, worthy and belong. And because I am needing that to feel okay, I’m now anxious. So whenever you’re feeling social anxiety on some level, you are needing people to like you and probably thinking that you’re not worthy of being liked at the same time. So, it’s like this, pfft, pfft, one-two punch.
So then I said, okay, I don’t need anything from anyone here. I really don’t. I could come here, I could spend three days. It could be awkward and uncomfortable and no one could like me and I’ll be totally okay. I don’t need anything from anyone here. I really don’t and that’s why I was working on and letting go of myself and that’s what you want to do is you really want to tap into the truth of that and it’s not this kind of spiteful like … they’re going to reject me anyway so fuck you, I don’t need anything from you either. I reject you first.
It’s not that. It’s really breathing and softening and finding that place in your body that’s so wound up and attached to needing it. It’s going to be like, you know what, I’m totally okay if I don’t get it. I don’t need anything and for me, I reminded myself of just how lovable I am and how many people already love me. And I thought about my wife and my two kids. I was like, you know what, it doesn’t matter what happens this weekend, my little guys are going to love me. They’re going to think I’m amazing. My wife is still going to love me. My friends are still going to love me. I can still love me. And if you don’t have a wife and if you don’t have kids, and you’re single, I’ve been there.
Your mom is still going to love you, your dad is still going to love you, your friends are still going to love you. And if you don’t have any friends, your mom or dad, you’re just totally alone, it’s probably an illusion, you’re probably deleting some people in your life and not remembering them but you are still lovable. Can you love yourself? Can you feel like the love of whatever created all this crazy world?
Of course you’re lovable. You don’t need anything from anyone. You don’t need that woman to call you back. You don’t need that woman to think you’re great in order to feel worthy, or that man or that boss or whatever, anyone else. So, that’s a beautiful phrase, I love it. Deep breath, I don’t need anything from you. So, that’s what I was doing before the weekend and another thing I did, in addition to letting go of needing approval is owning my value.
It’s like, you know what, I’m awesome, I really am, like I’m awesome. I’m intelligent, I’m driven, I’m motivated, I’m heartfelt, I’m loving, I’m kind, I’m good-looking, I’m charismatic, I’m intelligent, I’m funny, I’m awesome. And I was just reminding myself of my strengths and my unique value and I don’t know what that list is for you but you want to know that list. You want to know the list. That was not a recited list. I just rattled off there. That’s just stuff I believe to be true about myself.
So, you want to have that cued up in your mind and if this is a big obstacle for you, check out the solution to social anxiety, there’s a whole section in there about owning your strengths. You can get that book on Amazon or Audible but that’s you really need to be able to do that, to own your strengths to build that confidence in yourself. So, I did that. Then I started to feel a lot better, a lot more relaxed about the weekend.
So, the prep work that you do can really change so whether you’ve got a conference coming up, or a meeting or a date or whatever, you want to do some prep work like this. So, if you’re going out with your buddies and see if there’s an opportunity to meet someone or date or connect, get someone’s number, before you go out, take some breaths, relax yourself and say, you know what, I don’t need anything from any woman. I don’t need any particular response. I mean you come from that place, whoa, right? Women, you feel it, they feel it. This guy is not desperate to get something from me so he feels good about himself.
Desperation is not sexy. So, you’re left to go in that way or before you’re in a meeting, before you have a sales conversation, before you’re going to go pitch something out to a client who’s a surgeon and he’s pitching a business opportunity for some hospital. It’s like, hey, I can do this kind of surgery and contract with you guys. It’s a big deal. It’s a big business opportunity for him and for them. And just like before, like hey, I don’t need anything from these people, I’ll be okay.
And then reminding yourself of your strengths, why you’re awesome, why someone would want to date you, why they would want to hire you, why you’re worth it, why you’re incredible, you’re fired up about it so, use that in your life. Anyway, I get to this event and I show up powerfully because of the prep work that I did and it’s actually really interesting, the people are really fascinating, what’s actually great actually is I find … I think when I first got there, someone had posted, “Oh, we’re going to be eating here for lunch before the event.” And so I thought, hey, let me go join them. And that’s something I would never have done. I probably wouldn’t even have been to this event when I was younger but I, not only went to the event but lunch is a great time to meet people beforehand.
And I get there and there’s like four or five people sitting around this table and by the way, this group of people has met consistently for six or seven years in a row and they’ve occasionally added new people, like a couple of people a year and I’m the new guy. So these people all know each other and like each other and have a relationship and I’m the new guy. So, I get there and then I’m walking over to the table and I figure, oh, it must be those people because I could kind of guess who it was and as I walked closer, they kind of don’t even like stop talking or look at me or anything and there’s like, maybe in my mind, I was like expecting some like, oh hey, you must be the new guy, come here, yeah,” just effusive approval or something.
But so they’re kind of like looked at me and I looked at them and I was like, hey, I’m Aziz and I just grabbed a chair and pulled it up and sat down and it was like this moment or in the past, that would have like just crushed me, right, because it’s like, oh my god, they don’t want me here. All my worst fears are coming true and instead I just like sat down, I listened because they’re in the middle of like a more engaged conversation, let that moment pass, breathe, notice my feet on the floor, we’re outside, I was just feeling the air in San Diego, feeling good with the environment. Breathing and then there’s a moment where I kind of paused and so one of the guys turned towards me and was like, so, blah, blah, blah and asked me a question and I started talking to him and then I just kind of inserted myself into the conversation more and more.
So what you want to do is those moments when it’s like [makes sound], you could totally interpret it as all your worst fears or you could just slow way down, everything is cool, nothing is fucked and look for your next opportunity, right? We’ve all experienced this, you’re going out with your friends, there’s a woman you want to talk to, you start the conversation and then she rejects you or doesn’t want to talk to you or whatever and in that moment, everything could collapse or you could just take a step back, breathe and look for your next opportunity which is just right around the corner.
There’s doors of opportunity passing by all the time. We just have to find them and step through them. So, flash forward to the end of the first day and I can share dozens of stories about this and maybe I’ll share more later but this one is super important because this is where it’s that imploding, “I’m going to fall apart” experience which I’m sure you’ve had? Now actually, we’re going to take a quick break and when we get back, I’m going to tell you about how I feel apart and how I dealt with that.
So, Aziz crumbles. Let’s hear it, how did it happen? Some of you were like, yes, finally. Yes, I wanted to see the weakness. So, we were … had an opportunity to share with the group about our business and what we do and a lot of those people like to do what’s called joint venturing with each other where, hey, you promote me at all your audience and I’ll promote you to all my audience and then we’ll both grow our audiences and help more people and it’s great and make money, sell them stuff is what they want to do, right?
So, there’s this opportunity to do that and beforehand, I got an email, it’s like, hey, if you want to create a flyer to hand out when you do your presentation, it’s literally just two minutes and they’re pretty hard on the timing so you can’t go on forever, create a flyer and bring it and then share with the group. And so, I was like, first of all, I don’t offer the same thing that these people do. I don’t have like a program on how to make money on the internet. It’s not what I do.
So, I was like, what do I … do I even create a flyer? I mean, I have a program called Confidence Unleashed and others too but that one is, I think, life changing. I think everyone should go through that program because it will transform your confidence but I was like, I don’t know if these people … their audience wants that. I mean, their audiences want to make money on the internet although confidence will help you with that.
So, I created this flyer. I did it the night before I flew down there on Word, Microsoft Word, printed it out on regular paper and it looks good, it’s got a few bullet points and looks okay and I get down there and the woman … there’s about ten people that got a chance to go that first day and I raised my hand because I was like, do what scares you, go up and do it because I was nervous. That’s … in my mind, that was the moment where I was going to get exposed, right? Why are you here, we don’t like you. So, I was like, hey, you’ve got to do what scares me. I’ve got to go in, don’t wait till the last day to try to present, wait until … do it on the first day.
So, I got up there … oh actually, before I went, I was like maybe fifth or something, the woman before me is like this like marketing genius and she’s got like all these … her whole thing is how to sell and she’s very good at it and her flyer … the joint venture with her is like color, it’s got a perforated thing at the bottom, you tear off and hand on right away that says you want to work with her and partner with her and it’s got a big, full color picture of her and glossy graphics. It looks really good.
And then it’s me and it’s a fucking Word document printed out on like recycled paper, it’s like I don’t really even do what you guys do but hey, here’s me. Anyway, so I go up, I share a little more, I show the flyer and it’s great because it was true, I was authentic, speaking in front of a group, I’m still very good at even if I was a little nervous and then I get done and honestly it was fine, it was great, there was nothing I did up there that was bad or wrong. And then afterwards though, I just had this like [makes sound] just this implosion, right, I don’t belong here, my flyer is terrible, no one is going to want to partner with me, which I didn’t expect anyway but that just shows how much I don’t belong. Everyone is thinking, this guy’s a loser, I just really went total anxiety storm there.
And then we wrapped up, this was right towards the end of the day and it was like, hey, we’re all going to join together for dinner in like an hour or 30 minutes. So, come, go to your room, freshen up and them come on back and we’ll go to dinner. And I got to my room and I was just like [makes sound], I can’t go to the dinner, I was terrible, I’m so uncomfortable, I’m so exposed, everyone hates me. And this is total fucking fabrication, I got no indication whatsoever from anyone in the group that they felt this way. This is all my own brain, this is all my own heart, this is all my own social anxiety.
So, I’m in the room and I’m like, okay, here we go, here we go. I can like, A; many years ago, I would have avoided the dinner, would just have wallowed. I was like, first of all, A, that’s not an option, fuck that. I’ve got to show up. So how am I going to show up powerfully? I don’t want to show up from this place of like “I don’t belong here, you don’t like me,” because if I show in that energy, I’m going to get terrible responses from people.
Remember, these people all know and like each other, there’s relationships here. So, when there’s two people talking, they didn’t just meet each other, they know each other year after year after year. So when I’m going to come in and interact with them, have you even been in a situation you’ve been talking with a friend and someone new comes up, maybe you don’t really want to talk to the new person yet, right? You’re like, I’d much rather engage with this person who I already know and like. That’s just human nature and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just know that I got to show up more.
In last week’s episode, I talked about how to get people to like you and the key there is to show up more, to show up fully, let people get to know you. So, I was like, I got to show up more, no less and if I’m down on myself and thinking I don’t belong, I’m going to interpret every little sideways glance or someone not being super open right away as horrible rejection and it’s going to be a long night and a long weekend and just kind of a miserable experience and I’m not going to get the results that I want which is to connect with these people and to learn from them.
That was my primary goal, was to connect and learn. Because I’m like, success leaves clues and I’ve got to say, I did learn a ton, it was amazing. So here’s how I turned it around. I got fucking powerful. I jumped up and down, I put some music in my headphones, this is in my hotel room, right? And I jumped up and down, I hit my chest. If you’ve even been to a weekend, if you want to come to this Ultimate Confidence Breakthrough, you’ll know what I mean, I’ll show you how to do this.
You’ll learn it in a way that you’ll never forget and that you’ll use forever and you get really, really fucking powerful in your body, intense energetic, say some shit out loud, remind myself of the truth, get pumped and then just shift the energy from fear and self-doubt and restriction to like open, my chest was open, I walked tall, I breathe, I reminded myself of what was true and that started to get me into a more powerful state.
And then I said, you know what, the truth is, I reminded myself of what I said before I came, I don’t need anything from anyone here. My life is full. I am rich. I am abundant. I have everything. I have love in my life. I’m growing. I make a living helping people doing exactly what I want, like I don’t need anything from anyone here. And I’m awesome. And of course, people want to hang out with me and of course, people … everyone wants to be my friend. Everyone wants to hang out with me, everybody likes me, I’m awesome.
And this is not just some sort of affirmation, this is really getting powerful in yourself, really letting go of needing something and then reminding yourself of that. I walked fully upright as did this and then, whatever, got some water, brushed my teeth, took a shower and then as we’re walking there, it was like there was a bus, kind of like a little party bus thing that was going to take everyone from the hotel to this restaurant and there’s like clusters of people walking around.
And as I walked, it was kind of long … I get to the parking lot, I could see everything from far away and as I walked, I just walked like a badass. I was upright, shoulders back, just kind of like swag, I was like I’m going to swag on up to this group and I just walked in and there’s three people standing around, I just walked up, I was like, hey, how are you guys doing? Like I assumed that I was a part of the group, I assumed that all that bullshit that I was saying in my mind was totally false, which it was. I assumed I was part of the group. I just boom, right from the very second of walking up, even before that, from my swagger walk, right?
Because if you enter in and then you wait for the invitation, you’re just bleeding out that energy that you built up, right and it’s draining fast, you’ve got to convert that into action, into connection and then I did, I went from one to the next to the next and it was awesome, I had a great time that night. The next day was even better, opened up even more, connected even more with people, found out what made people tick, learned from them, asked them questions, shared my successes and my struggles with people, it was authentic, vulnerable, real, myself, made jokes in front with the group.
It was awesome and just made some incredible connections and it was all about turning around that storm. Because remember, here is the key takeaway. It doesn’t happen to you. Social anxiety, self-doubt, low confidence, it’s not happening to you. You’re doing it, you’re creating it and that means you have the power to create something else in a moment, in an instant. And if you hear this and say, well, easy for you, man, but I’ve tried that stuff and I couldn’t turn it around. You know what my response to that is?
Practice. This is about practice and it’s okay if you can’t turn it around in a moment or something gets in the way and just do it again and you practice and you do it again and again and again. I mean, what else are you going to do? If you just choose to avoid all this stuff, then you’re never going to get better at it. You’re never going to get more free, more confident. And if you charge in and try this stuff and it doesn’t quite work the way you want or you still feel bad afterwards, that’s okay, heal up, love yourself, recover from it and get out there and do it again.
And if you really, really, really want to master this, in the deepest, most powerful way possible, come join me at the Ultimate Confidence Breakthrough coming up here in June. The early bird tickets go … stop going on sale, close, are not available as of tomorrow so you want to get your tickets today. If you can’t, shrinkfortheshyguy.com/event, that’s the place to get them and before we stop though, that brings us to your action step.
Your action step for today is to get a ticket for the Ultimate Confidence Breakthrough, no, I’m kidding, although it could be, if you want to change your life. But your action step for today actually is to find out how you do social anxiety. So, when you’re feeling nervous, ask yourself how am I doing this? How am I creating this? Was it with my focus, with my thoughts, with my beliefs, with my … what am I thinking about, what am I focusing on, what am I telling myself, what am I imagining, how am I imagining people are thinking about me, responding to me, how am I creating this? And then, how can I shift it? How can I break free? Apply some of the things that you learned in this episode, techniques, things you learned from other shows, or from programs, if you have one of my training programs like Confidence Unleashed or the Confidence Code, apply that stuff. Use it and then crush it. and you’re awesome. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.
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