Discover How To Confidently Enjoy Going Places By Yourself
Do you allow yourself to enjoy activities alone? Do you go to movies, parties, bars, concerts, events and other places alone? Or are you held back by fear?
What if you had the freedom to go anywhere and do anything, and trust that you will have an awesome time and maybe even meet some new friends along the way? Discover how to do this in today’s episode…
Click below to hear this episode!
Spending Time Alone Can Be Fun
Do you allow yourself to enjoy activities alone? Do you go to movies, parties, bars, concerts, events, and other places by yourself or are you held back by fear? What if you have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything and trust that you are going to have an awesome time and maybe even meet some new friends along the way?
That is what we are going to dive into in today’s episode.
Welcome to today’s show. I am excited to be with you today. Excited! I am pumped. Hopefully you are pumped and it is some great stuff. Because here, today, which is about why doing things alone is awesome is going to just open up your world a 10th full. I mean it totally changed my life when I learned this and I hope it is going to do the same for you. And if you are already comfortable doing stuff alone this is only just going to reinforce that and give you even more freedom to it.
So let us dive in. I am very excited.
If you would like to jump into the conversation of the show, go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and you can send a voicemail message there, you can also call the studio hotline at (206) 338-3176. Leave a message there and that is how I get some of the questions I answer and ask the shrink. And you can go to facebook.com/socialconfidncecenter. Go there, like that page, and you get all the updates about Shrink For The Shy Guy and everything else that I am up to in the world which is a lot.
And there is a million in one ways that you can transform your confidence. It is absolutely a skill, you have heard me say this a lot probably if you have listened to the show before and if this is your first show, welcome. Confidence is a skill and you can learn it and anyone can learn it and if you stick around you will discover that yourself.
So, I am so excited to be with you and go o facebook.com/socialconfidencecenter to get started on your journey.
So, today, we are going to look at why doing things alone is awesome.
So, first of all, let us look at what makes us not do stuff alone. Because this is where I lived for many years and this is where you might be, too. It is that I would not do much stuff alone. Maybe a little, a few things, but not a whole lot, and primarily because of fear. That is right. That is the one thing that holds us back from doing anything. It is fear. Everything else is a story or an excuse. It is just fear underneath the emotion of fear. Fear of doing stuff alone.
So, what are you afraid of? But first of all, what would you want to do alone? What are the things that you want to do that you currently do not do because, “I do not have anyone to do them with.” Think about that for a second. Would you go for some music shows? Would you go to movies? Would you go to dinner? Would you go to a bar, out to a club, out to some events, a party, a gathering? What is it that you currently do not go to as much because you are like, I need someone to go with.” “Oh, no. My friends do not want to go. Okay. I guess I would not go either.”
I talked to one guy and he was like, “Yeah. My friends do not want to do things,” and I was like, “Why don’t you go?” He is like, “Alone? I have to hang out with my friends.” Interesting. So what are his fears? What are your fears? What are my fears?
One, is people are going to judge me, right? If I am out there alone that is probably the only one, really. It is just a bunch of versions of that. People are going to judge me for being alone. They are going to see that I am by myself and they are going to say, “Wow. What a total loser? That guy is all by himself.” And they are going to infer all kinds of things. “He must not have any friends. He must be a weirdo. Stay away from that guy he is just a loner weirdo.”
And that is the fear or some version of that and whether they say those things to you or not they are just going to look at you They see you alone in the movie and they are like, “Oh, wow. What a poor lonely loser. What a loser.” That is what it comes down to.
So we have this fear of people judging us and then we have this fear we cannot tell anyone, right? SO it is like, “Oh my God. If I were to meet someone let us say I was at a bar by myself and I started talking to a woman and she is like, “So, who are you here with?” And I could not say, “I am just here by myself.” And I had to say, “My friends are here in the bathroom right now, all of them,” or “Oh yeah. My fiends were here they took off.” Or I am going to make up some bullshit, some story.
So, now, we do not have to do anything of that. We are going to hopefully free you of all that but they resonate with these fears. This is what kept me stuck for many years. And often, they are unexamined, right? We do not think through all that stuff we just do not think of it as an option to go do something by ourselves or consider it for a moment, maybe envision an awkward scenario of being alone somewhere and people thinking we are a loser and we move on.
So, we have to honor those fears to be free of them. That is always the case as we have to find out what is the fear so we can be free of it and we absolutely can shift to this. We can be free of this. So in order to figure out how to do that, let us take a quick break right now and when we get back I am going to jump in to a transformation that I had a conversation. One conversation I had with someone that changed my entire life. Really. Honestly.
Because when you can do stuff alone your life just opens up 10-fold. I am going to share what he said in that conversation and how you can use it and then we are going to dive in to how to break free of this fear. How to overcome your fear of doing stuff alone.
So, what was that conversation that I had that changed my entire destiny. Well, it was a conversation with a fella named, Gary Miles, who was actually when I was back in graduate school at Clinical Psychology in Stanford, he was a supervisor at a clinic that I was working on. I was working at a veterans hospital working with some vets there and he was my supervisor. And he was this tall, black guy, like 6-foot 2, muscular, drove fast cars, wore cool sunglasses, he was kind of my hero. He is like this guy is cool and I have made some progress through my shyness at that point a little bit. You know, decent I would say, but I was still really restricted and he can probably tell that from a mile away.
And so I remember our supervision conversations were great because sometimes it will be about my work there and my case load and stuff. And sometimes we just chat about life. In summer there was this one time we were having supervision it was probably on a Friday and he asked me like, So what have you got going on this weekend.” And I think I told him some things and here is the interesting thing though.
It just so happened that that weekend I think a friend or someone had told me about a party on a beach in the town called, Santa Cruz, which is about 45 minutes from where I lived. I was invited but then the person that invited me was not able to go anymore. And so I was like, “I cannot go to this party.” And I told him about this, “You know there is this party that I cannot go because blah blah blah…” And I loved his expressions.
So imagine this guy. He would always sit with his hands behind his head, you know that kind of power pose and if you do not know about power poses check out there is a ted talk but I forgot the name but just look up power pose ted talk body language or something, anyway it is one of these poses they do in that study where his hands are kind of behind his head with your elbows kind of laid out. He was this high-powered kind of guy.
So he was like I said that I cannot go blah blah blah… and he just looks at me and he pauses and he was like, Why not?” I was like, “Because I am a loser if I go somewhere alone.” And he just looks at me and he is like, “What are you talking about? It is great to go places alone. It is awesome. I love doing stuff alone.” I was like, “Really?” and he was like, “Yeah. It is great and besides not only it is fun you get to meet people but when you can do stuff alone you do not need anyone else, you are totally free.”
I was like, “Ooh.” And that was like one of my power words. He stumbled upon it without knowing it which was free. And it still is to this day I call it freedom, social freedom, liberation, which is like oh wow the sense of freedom in life that I do not think comes from a certain amount of money.
Freedom can come from a certain amount of money and certain amount of liberties in your life but freedom an internal state of being able to allow yourself to do what you want and that is where social freedom comes in. To be able to talk to who you want and this kind of freedom which is I want to be able to go and do something that I want.
And so you know what, he really inspired me and I took the risk I went to this party. And it was awesome. It was awesome. I may have even asked him like, “What about if someone asks if you are there alone?” and he is like, “So what? I like to meet people. I am here to meet people. I am here to hang out.” And I was like, “Oh.” And it was even so much what he said if you get so much hung up on that, “What am I going to say?” It is really about attitude. It is your tone. It is your energy.
If you are okay with it, people are okay with it. If you are not okay with it, people are going to pick up on that as well. So you just have to be totally solid on yourself, totally okay with it.
And so I showed up to this party I was fine. No one even asked me. A few people asked me like who I knew, and I said the person and I was like he cannot make it. I was like, “I know. Bummer. Anyway, so, blah blahh blah…”
People did not even miss a beat and that opened up a whole new door for me. Then I got excited. Then I was like, I want to challenge this fear everywhere. So I used to have this discomfort about going to the movies alone, I would still do it but I like felt judged a lot of the time in my own brain, and I am going to teach you about that in a moment about what is happening there and how to be free of it, but so I started to go to movies alone.
I even went to a nice dinner, alone. I used to get like eat a burrito and read a magazine or something but I actually went to a nice dinner at this Italian restaurant in Mountain View and sat down and just ate this meal. And I am going to show you how to deal with all the fears that come up around this and then I start of getting to electronic.
I am a huge fan of bass and electronic music and I started going to all these shows, because I like that more than bars. I found bars to be not as fun because I do not like to drink that much and also the environment is loud and I like to be in a place that I find really fun so I like an electronic show where I really dug the music and then if I wanted I could drink or I could meet people and talk to women and that sort of thing. So that was my thing. I do not know what it is for you. But you can start doing stuff alone.
So, let us jump in to how to overcome your fear of doing stuff alone.
Let us take a quick break and we are going to jump back into that right after this. You are going to learn all about the feared fantasy and how not to lie, how to be totally comfortable in yourself around doing stuff alone.
So, how do we overcome our fear of doing stuff alone? The fear of being judged, the fear of people thinking you are a loser, so on and so forth.
The first thing to know is just it is just projection. It is just projection. Do you know what projection is? Projection is when we have a judgment of ourselves that we imagine is coming from other people. So it is like if you look down and you are like, “Oh. My shoes do not go with these pants. Oh, man. I am wearing the wrong shoes all night. And then what happens, you get out to the club or wherever it is that you are going. Or how it could be a business meeting. I have had that before and I am like, “Oh, man. My pants puddle a little around these business shoes.
Whatever it is you get there and then a lot of the time you are there you are like, “Oh, man. That guy thinks my shoes look stupid.” “She rejected me because my shoes were no good.” “Oh, that guy did not want to network with me because my pant puddled around my shoes.”
So we are imaging it. We are putting it into the mind of others because it is our own but it is our own criticism of ourselves. So a beauty of knowing that, one of the freeing things about knowing that is that if you are okay with it, the world is okay with it. So if it does not bother you, it would not bother the world. First of all, it is not even happening. People are not noticing you that much. People do not care about you that much. That is the unfortunate truth.
“Wait a minute. Hold on a second.” I want to stop talking to my friends. “Okay see that guy over there?” “Yeah.” “No. No. Four people over. I know he is talking to people right now but I think he walked in my himself.” “Yeah. Oh my God. I mean, who is doing that? What is going on with the person of they are doing that?”
So, it is not happening and here is the thing. Just get there are start talking to people. Start interacting with people. Join in to groups. In fact if you go somewhere alone, the best thing to do is just dive into it right away. So, you walk into the door, give yourself 5 to 10 seconds to survey the scene and then walk over to some people and start talking to them.
Hey guys, how is it going? Just jump right in. That is the most powerful way and then once you are in that group then you can go to another group, you can interact with people, you just feel more on that whole time. Whether it is a networking meeting or bar or wherever you are at.
And here is another thing. Do not lie. Do not pretend that you are not there alone.
First of all this should be really rare that someone asks you but if they do, just say I am just here. So are you here by yourself might be a question you might get. Yeah. I love this place. I would love to come here and meet people. That is it. I do not need to be, “Yeah. I know. God. Grimace. Please do not judge me.” You just let that go. Just own it. “Yeah. I love coming out here. I love doing stuff alone. Do you do stuff alone? Aw, you do not.” And there is fear around that. What an interesting conversation you can get into.
Those are the conversations I would like to get into most . But here is the thing, you do not need to lie and just in general in your life you do not ever need to lie to hide anything about yourself. Do not lie to hide things about yourself. That just poisons your confidence because it shows you that there are parts of you that it is not okay and oh my God I could not handle it and people are going to judge me. No. Just do not ever lie about yourself. It is no good.
So, here is a technique to help you break free of your fear of doing stuff alone. It is called the feared fantasy. So what you want to do is you want to imagine what are all the things that someone might say to me that I am worried about? You know, maybe they never say it in their head but they think it like that guy is a loser, he is here by himself, he has no friends, he is a creep. Whatever it is.
So imagine all those things and ideally you can actually write them down. And then you are going to practice responding to them. And I love enrolling my wife for this or a friend for this where you get it outside of your head and it is actually fun and I end up laughing a lot.
But anyway, let us say someone says, “Oh, are you here all alone?” “Yeah. Actually I am. I love to come here and meet people.” “Oh, you must be a loser.” “A loser, well, that is a strong word. Wow. You do not hold any punches. No, I do not think I am a loser for coming out alone. I actually think it takes a lot of confidence and courage and it is a great way to meet people. I am going to meet a lot of people coming out by myself than I am if I went out with a few friends.” “Yeah, but no one should go out by themselves. That is just bad and weird.” “Okay. I am not even sure how to respond to that. I totally disagree. I think it is great to do stuff. I think why should we be scared? I mean, hell, I am a leader in my life. I want to go out and do what I want to do.” Right? And so on and so forth
I know that was me and me, so a little crazy I know, but is powerful when you do this so do this with *0:18:16, do this in a journal, best of all get a friend.
If you are like, “Oh my God. I could not get a friend because then he would know that I have fears. Dude, get over it. What kind of friendships do you want in your life. I personally want friends who know what is going on in my life, we can help each other with shit, and we can laugh and have a good time and watch a movie or whatever.
So, to me I want to create an amazing life and also the more you do that the more you let people in your world, the more
So let us end with your action step.
The action step for the day is to do something alone. If you are listening to this episode if you cannot because your day is full or whatever, then tomorrow or on the weekend. But commit to something, pick something, figure it out, and then go do it alone. And then just work through it all. If there is fear or discomfort, do that for your fantasy, send yourself love, relax yourself, just practice this stuff because it is a form of exposure and the more you do it the more you break free of it.
One of my favorite things to do in the world which I do not do that much anymore because we have a little guy now is go to movies by myself. Man, so I went from being something that I was uncomfortable with to something I love and in fact as you might know from any sort of exposure work, when you do it a lot it ends up being one of the things that you love most.
Like for me, public speaking. Something I love. I used to be terrified to talk to attractive women then it became one of the things that I loved most and now it is public speaking. All of the things that we used to be scared of if we confront them can become things that we love because there is a lot of energy, there is a lot of charge there, we can get a high from it.
So, get out there are do something by yourself. Your life will never be the same again.
So, that brings us to the end of today’s episode.
Stay tuned for next week we are going to jump in to something really fascinating about real confidence versus bravado and how you can tell the difference and how you can get to a place of real confidence more and more in your life. So excited to see you in that episode and join you there.
If you want to jump in to the conversations, go to facebook.com/socialconfidencecenter. Pass this episode to anyone that you think would benefit from it and if you want to give it a review on iTunes, that would be awesome and much appreciated so I love that you could do that.
Thanks so much for listening and until we speak again.
May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.
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