Discover How To Increase Your Self-Esteem So You Really Like Who You Are
The harshest, meanest, and most rejecting person you will ever have to deal with you is you. The pattern you have of judging, criticizing, and otherwise being a jerk to yourself is a major component of social anxiety. The way out is the totally transform how you to talk to yourself. Listen below to find out how!
Click below to hear this episode!
Your Most Important Relationship
Today’s episode is actually incredibly important because it covers the most important relationship in your life. You know, at the end of the last episode, I talked about we’re going to look at some relationship hang-ups. And when you first hear that, we’re going to look at your relationship hang-ups, you might think, well, is this me and women, is this me and my friends, is this maybe even me and my family but before we even look at any of that stuff, we got to go down to the most fundamental, important, biggest relationship in your life and that is the relationship between you and you.
And it’s a relationship that you might not even really consider a relationship, you might not even paying much attention to it, you might even think relationship with me, that’s weird, I am me, how can I have a relationship with me? And that’s often how we operate in our day to day life even though that’s the most important relationship in our lives, we tend to be focused outwards. We’re focused on what the next thing is going to be, how that person is going to respond to us if we succeeded or failed. We’re focused very externally and we often don’t focus on the relationship that we have with ourselves.
But, that doesn’t mean that we’re not affected and strongly impacted by that relationship. In fact that relationship determines fundamentally so many things in your life, whether you feel happy or depressed, whether you feel joyous and excited or feel stuck and hopeless, whether you feel excited and ready to take something on or nervous and worried that it’s not going to work out. And so much of that is related to you and you and how you relate to yourself. And in fact this relationship is often first it goes unexamined, right, we don’t want to look at it.
And secondly, if you saw this relationship between and you and you from the outside as if you are listening to, you know, two friends talking or a couple talking, you would potentially be very disturbed at that relation. You might say, wow, this is a dysfunctional relationship at best and you might even say it’s abusive at worst.
And that’s something that might be hard to swallow at first but if you stay with me and listen to this episode, you’re going to learn so much about how you relate to yourself, what’s going on there and if there are problems but hey, it doesn’t feel like it’s fully serving you and really helping you, you’re also going to learn some ways to shift that way. So start treating yourself differently and better. Hopefully, you start treating yourself with more compassion, respect and kindness which are the fundamental underpinnings of any relationship.
So, certainly the kind of relationship we should foster with ourselves. So we’re going to get into that but I want to highlight this relationship between you and you with two examples that are going to be bring to light one incredibly important aspect of this relationship with yourself. And that is what I call your inner critic.
Your Inner Critic
This might be old news to you, you might know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that but for some people, they not be entirely sure. So these examples are going to highlight it, and even if you know, when you think and you know what I mean, this will help flash it out. And there are things that I’m pretty sure you can relate to.
The first one is a standard shyness or social anxiety example, you are in a setting whether it’s at a party at a function or even at the classroom and there are some instances where you get engaged in a conversion with someone. Now I don’t know if they started talking to you or if you felt like it was a good time to start a conversion with them, so forget about how it started. But, the experience is, they ask you a question, you respond, you ask them a question, it’s a normal conversation.
But, all of a sudden, and you start to notice what you just said and some part of your mind starts to watch the conversation with a hyper vigilance, with a hyper self-consciousness. And then it starts to comment and it says, “oh my God, that question sounded so too stupid. What were you thinking there when you said that or, oh my God, this person doesn’t want to talk to you and they are so disinterested in you,” you know, maybe they looked at the different direction at some point in the conversation and you think, “oh God, they want to get out of this conversation.”
They don’t want to be talking to me or you shared something and then afterwards you think, “that was so boring, God, you’re so not interesting, your stories are so lame!” and you start attacking yourself.
Have you ever had this experience? And the worse part about it is it can happen while you’re still trying to talk to this person. So then you’re not only trying to engage with them and manage the conversation, you’re also trying to deal with these conversations between you and you, between your inner critic and yourself. And in my experience usually is especially early on before I really start to work on this stuff, the conversation is kind of one-sided.
It’s kind of like it’s the critic is just following you around and criticizing and maybe sometimes you’re responding but usually you’re kind of just like a defeated, you know, sort of shoulder slumped down, head down, kind of a lump like, “uh, yes, you’re right. Uh, that’s true, I’m terrible.”
I think most of us can relate to if you’ve dealt with shyness but here is another one that this is where my critic would really take center stage. So let’s say you had a conversation or you did anything, you put yourself out there, you wrote a song and you shared with someone or you went on a date or you had a conversation with a woman in your class.
It wasn’t even a date but you just chatted with her or maybe you turn something in and did a presentation in front of a class or whatever it is that you put yourself out there in some way. And maybe you’re really anxious ahead of time, that doesn’t really matter but here is what I’m going to point out and this is where my critic really took center stage, is afterwards.
For me, it always happen in the shower and I don’t know why but I’d be standing in a shower, feeling pretty good, the water is on me and all of a sudden I have a memory of the event, a memory of the presentation and seeing someone’s face looking away as I talked or a memory of when I said something and then no one laughed or I made a joke and she kind of like one of those, uh, smiles that means I don’t think what you said is really that funny, something like that.
And then I just, I kind of grimaced, I remember this memory so vividly that I was just grimace and be like, uh, that was terrible and then I replay it again. I say, oh God, that’s so bad, I replay it again and again and again and I would just be miserable and my critic would be laying in front of me all the ways that I’m falling short, all the ways that I’m not good enough, all the ways that I’m not lovable.
So these are just two examples and my guess is that there are so many more. And hopefully, either if you don’t relate to these examples, specifically there are other things that are coming to your mind about how do I criticize myself, how am I hard on myself?
You know, and then when we’re going to get way deeper into the specifics of what the critic says, what it does, where it comes from, what its purpose is, and most importantly, how to deal with it? But before we do, we’re going to take a brief, escape on a jump to move over to a new segment which is today’s top stories.
Top Stories For Shyness And Social Anxiety News
So today’s top story is actually about a university in Illinois called Knox University and they’ve really posted on a new news story that they’re having an increase in students that are coming to the student health and counseling center. And the primary reason for people coming in is anxiety but get this, specifically social anxiety.
Social anxiety is one of the leading reasons that people come to get counseling in Knox University Illinois. And here is the thing though, is they interviewed the director, Dan Larson of this program and he said that, you know in past it used to be a lot of other stuff, depression and lot of challenges but just in the last two years, it’s been anxiety, it’s been a lot of social anxiety. And what I found fascinating about this story is I use to work at Portland State University in the college counseling center and I noticed an increase in just the two years that I was there.
There was a steady increase in anxiety particularly social anxiety. Now I don’t know, I don’t have a broader perspective on what the trends are or if this is related to things like our hyper connection with technology and our reduced social interaction and more internet screen time, that sort of thing. I’m not going to go down for a lot of the weight till there is more stories out there about that although I have a hunch that it’s related but the most important thing here to take away is that there’s a lot of people who are struggling with social anxiety.
This is an isolated incident. This is not something that you because you are a weirdo experiences by yourself, this is actually a societal problem, of people really having a hard time with social anxiety. And as you remember the corner of that is feeling lovable, feeling worthwhile, feeling that we have something to offer and that we matter. And so I think this is just the reflection in our society about how that a lot of us aren’t getting that that those needs aren’t met at a young age and it really sets us up for a lot of challenges including anxiety and social anxiety.
And you know one of the primary driving factors like kind of people seek counseling at Knox Counseling Center but pretty much anytime, anyone goes into counseling is problems with relationships or a lack — lack of relationships. You know, I really want to go and connect with people but I can’t. So there are so much out there to help you with social anxiety and counseling is just one of the avenues and I highly recommend and I have benefited incredibly from counseling, individual counseling, going to groups or men’s groups by just taking some action to help yourself address this.
And realize that you’re not alone and the thing, the last thing I’m going to say about this is that even if someone doesn’t present or go to counseling because I have challenges with social anxiety, these are universal feelings. No one is skipped when it comes to feeling tense or anxious around people, having moments of self doubt, feeling down on themselves. So the takeaway is you’re really not alone with this stuff and that it’s incredibly important to seeing or seek out some help to keep working on this stuff and my intention here is to provide as much as I can in this podcast and other places to help you to develop that sense of social confidence and courage and belief in yourself.
So, we’re going to take a brief break right but when we get back, we’re going to get in to deeper into this critic because I think that is the sort of the major pillar of social anxiety, one of them is the critic, it’s sort of like how social anxiety manifest or operates in you. And the more you can understand this thing the more you can become free of it and that’s when you start to feel more social freedom. So stay tuned, we’re going to get deeper into the critic, where it comes from, what its purpose is and how to deal with it right after this.
How Do I Talk To Her?
Hey, welcome back, now we’re going to get deeper in to the critic but before we do, we’re going to do a new segment which is called how do I talk to her? And this comes from the work I do with guys one-on-one r even sometimes the occasional email question where we’re talking about a specific situation where there is a woman and you want to initiate a conversation with her, you want to get to know her but it’s one of those things where it just feels totally out of reach, totally impossible. And we’re going to get a lot more into the specifics of how to do that in future episode and even deeper with interviews with some guys who are really good at starting conversations with women. But for now, we’re going to get into one specific scenario of how do I talk to her?
So this is particularly interesting and it came up in a session I did with a client recently. And that he started to overcome a good chunk of his shyness and he has gone from a place of feeling really stuck and debilitated to putting himself out there to, letting himself, you know, get rejected or even being embarrassed. You know, even put himself in situations where that could happen, is of huge sign of progress and even more recently he started to talk to women, you know, young women, attractive women, his age and he wants to get know, it’s pretty awesome to watch.
But the other day, he was telling me that is a woman that is at his gym that he wants to talk to but here is the thing, she’s not another participant at the gym or another member, she actually works at the gym. And the only contact he has with her is when he walks into the gym and walks out of the gym. And what the contact is, is he hands her his card and she scans in and he walks into the gym. And there are usually several people going into the gym at the same time, so it’s a little bit of a line so it’d be difficult, you know, pause and chat with her because there is people waiting.
And in addition, here is the kicker, if you got shyness or social anxiety, is there’s another person working there behind the counter. Why the gym needs two people behind the counter and take cards, is beyond me, it doesn’t seem necessary but for whatever reason, they have this. So not only are you going to be potentially holding up a line if you talk to her but there’s going to be this other person listening. So if you make a move and she rejects you, then you have the double shame, you know, the bystander effect to the person watching you and suddenly, you know, silently mocking you and judging you.
So, the question is, how do you talk to her, what do you do? And before I give my answer, I want you to think about it, put yourself in that situation even if that feels like miles off for you like there is no way in hell you’d ever start a conversation when we don’t know at a gym because that could be so embarrassing, just for a moment, it’s a form of exposure, put yourself in that situation. You’re single, you know, she is attractive, you want to get to know her, you want to see if there’s a connection, you want to see if you like her as a person and you can date.
But you have to get to know her, you have to make it pass that just smiling on the face when you hand her your card. So what do you do, what would you say? Well, you know, there are just several ideas I had and there is no right way to do this but one was like, okay, it sounds like you have to at least first exchange names with her. That seems important. So the next time, I handed her my card, if first of all she has name tag and that’s easy. You can just call her by name. Thanks, you know, Tiffany, and then all of sudden you’re saying her name.
Another thing to do would be like, just hand her the card and then like, what’s your name? Just saying it like that, just kind of out of the blue, what’s your name? People always respond to that question and most likely she might ask you what’s your name, back. Now you’re on the first name basis. Now the next time you walk into the gym, you say hey Tiffany, how is it going? And that’s it. And here is the thing about the situation like this where there is repeated contact, is you don’t need to, you know, jump pounds on her right away.
You know, start, play it cool, you know, you can get to know her name, there is a familiarity, she can see every, you know, every couple of times a week however off and you go in. And then eventually, what I would do if I wanted to see if I can get her number or get her email and set up a future contact with her, is I would want to pull her aside and talk to her briefly so I’m not holding up the line and the other person is not there watching me. And so the only thing, the only idea I had to come to do it, this is the first thing that came out my mind, was I ask him, would there be any contacts in which you could pull her aside?
And he said, well the only time she goes to the side to talk someone is if they have a problem with their membership. And I said, ah, bingo. So I would do is the next time I go in there and hand her my card and be like, hey Tiffany, she’s like yeah, I have a problem with my membership and I’d like to talk to you about that. And she say, okay, and then if she didn’t lead away from the line, I would just like walk there side of the counter and kind of wait there, you know, as soon as she’s going to come over there and talk to me.
And when she comes over and say, so this gym, you know, it’s been working well for me, I really like this aspect, I like the, you know, the court, the basketball court, I like the pool, you know, everything is good but there is one problem with my membership. And that was the point, she should wait or say yeah and I’d say, I’ve been coming here for three-four weeks and I’ve been wanting to have a one-on-one conversation with you but that seems next to impossible with the set up of giving you my card, it’s the only way I can contact you or connect with you.
And said, you could say, it’s demonstrating interesting and who knows how she responds, she could smile, she could laugh, she could give you a weird stare but then you just pursue that further and you say, well I’d love to talk with you more. I don’t know anything about you but I’m curious, I’d like to get to know you or I’d like to talk with you more. And even then you still don’t have to ask her out right away but it’s like wouldn’t it be great when we talk, you know, contact each other in the future? Are you on Facebook or do you have email?
Those little things like that where you can just initiate the interaction and then set up a future contact. So that is my idea of how I would talk to her.
You And Your Inner Critic
So getting back to you inner critic, there is things that you might have noticed in the few examples I was showing before the break which is that the critic can come in overt or covert forms. Overt means obvious, means on the surface, means it’s direct and you can see it. That’s like when your head, in your mind your critic is saying that was terrible, you suck, what’s wrong with you, you’re so awkward that stuff is easy to notice. That’s really obvious. We can — as long as once we’re tuned in to it, there is our critic that’s talking to us.
But there is also covert ways that our critic operates and this is a fascinating topic that we can get fully in-depth into now but if you check out my book, the Solution of Social Anxiety, you’ll learn a lot more about the depth of this covert way that we attack ourselves. Let me share one right now which is we tend to dismiss or discount our positives. We tend to explain away any positive feedback we get, any compliments or even our own accomplishments. I know I am particularly bad with this and I’ve been huge thrives in my — in dealing with my overt self-criticism but each time it crops up I notice and just actually just this last week.
I was noticing, wow, I really gloss over all of my successes, I kind of tend to ignore ’em and push on to the next thing and then I don’t feel that good about myself when I choose something. I’m like, yeah, yeah that was pretty good but, or yeah, that was alright but you could have done here or yeah but and that’s sort of the essence of the covert, you know, dismissive way we criticize ourselves is we say, yeah but to our accomplishments, to our achievements and that might say achievement or accomplishment, I don’t mean getting gold medal or being the best in the world.
I just mean, hey, you finish the report or hey recorded that video or you, you know, worked for eight hours and put your energy into something and earn money for your family or for yourself like that is an accomplishment. And that’s the kind of stuff that we just steam roll right pass and say, yeah, yeah but you’re not earning enough, yeah but everyone can do this job, yeah but and so and so forth. And that’s so an example of covert self-criticism. But whether it’s overt or covert or any other way, what is this critic doing, what is its purpose?
Why do we even have this thing? Why do we have this voice in your head that tells you, you suck all the time and it’s incredibly uncomfortable and, you know, I didn’t even — I wasn’t even fully aware of it until I was 21. And I’m sure like if someone had asked me like, you know, you criticize yourself, I might have been able to say yeah but I didn’t really think in those terms. And so I just thought it was my own thoughts. So I go talk to someone and they didn’t seem to want to talk back or I’d seem like, you know, my friend Tim in middle school interacting with a girl and I would just feel bad.
And to my mind I think, uh, girls don’t like me, I’m not very attractive. And that would just feel like the truth. So it almost sounds like the critic and I refuse, the critic was my thoughts. I didn’t really have a sense of oh I’m different from that, that’s just a part of me that’s being critical. It’s that’s the truth. And the question is what is its purpose? Why do we have this part that is criticizing us? And I spent a lot of time researching this reading dozens of book on the subject and looking at depth psychology and all my training in clinical psychology and looking at Freudian stuff and Yin-Yang stuff and really trying to figure it out and here is my best guess as to what’s going on.
That we are on some level terrified of putting ourselves out there and being rejected, being told that we’re not good enough and, you know, I don’t love you, I don’t like you. That feels very painful, that feels — that’s probably, you know, aside from physical death, that’s the most painful thing that we can experience, it’s the lost of love, a sense of feeling unworthy of love. And that putting ourselves out there whether it’s asking someone out or writing something and putting it out there in the internet, writing a book, anything that you want to do, writing a song, sharing that song with people.
All that stuff that tends to make our critic more active, what’s happening there is we’re being — we’re about to be vulnerable. Even in that example of that one-on-one interaction with that person in a class or at a function, there is vulnerability that they can see you and they could potentially judge you. And so anytime that can occur our critic comes in and tries to get us to play small, to hide, to put our heads down, to honker down, to put our — like a turtle putting its head in the shell or a porcupine balling up, it’s like look, just close off your heart, get down, honker down, don’t put yourself out there, don’t let yourself be vulnerable or seen by others and you’ll be safe.
So in a weird way your critic is trying to protect you. It’s trying to keep you safe. Now, it might keep you safe from overt criticism from other people because you avoid them or you don’t engage with them but it doesn’t keep you safe from bad feelings because the critic, the way it keeps you safe is pretty miserable and you’re also pretty restricted in your life and you’re not able to do things that you might really enjoy. And so it really comes at a cost but it does try to keep you safe. And you can think about your critic like an internal propaganda campaign.
You know, it’s like imagine a kind of a tyrannical government that is saying, “you know what, everyone just do what we say, obey us and no one gets hurt and hey we’re better than what’s out there. You know those enemies out there, they are the real danger here but there are the terrorists or some, you know, the Russians or something like that. So you need to, you know, be afraid of them and we’ll take care of you.” But imagine really to a totalitarian regime like Hitler or something, but you know, we’ll take care of you but if you don’t do what we say, we will demolish you.
And that’s kind of how our critic operates and just like any tyrannical regime, there has to be a steady flow of propaganda for people to not realize and want their freedoms. So the critic has a propaganda campaign against you. And if you really want to see this and pay attention to this, just start noticing how much you criticize yourself throughout the day. You know, it can happen 30, 40, 50, 100 times, it can be overwhelming at first. In fact that’s a technique from behavioral therapy is that’s called the self-monitoring where you actually have a little counter or a card in your pocket and each time you notice you’re criticizing yourself, you pull it out and put a hatch on the card.
And you count up at the end of the day then what people find is at first it’s disturbing but that’s actually the first piece of the puzzle, is that awareness and we’re going to get in to the third segment in just a moment about what do you do with this critic, how do you defeat it? How you overcome it, how you’re not be held back by it, how are you not be so beaten down by it? And a big piece of that first step is that awareness.
How To Overcome Self-Criticism
How to deal with your critic? You have a good sense of perhaps how it operates as an overt or covert, maybe even what is trying to do, why it’s there but most importantly is well how do we get rid of it? That was my first question, is how do I get rid of it? Well, you know, after working with this and myself for over a decade and working with so many different people and anytime I’m working with shyness or social anxiety, we’re working on their critic because that’s our own worst enemy. That’s where most of the harsh and complete rejection comes from.
It’s not from that person that says no, I don’t want to hang out or that person that, you know, extracts themselves from a conversation with you or looks away when you’re talking, they are not incredibly and completely harshly rejecting you and saying you you’re worthless, you know, waste space, that’s what you are saying to you, that’s what your critic is saying to you. So after working on this with myself and people for so many years, the idea of fully getting rid of it, I am not sure if that’s possible. Now I’m not going to say never and there’s probably someone out there who is incredibly enlightened, perhaps the Dalai Lama or maybe even people from other cultures.
But, you know, growing up in western culture, it can be hard to fully get rid of that critic and I don’t think that’s the ultimate goal. I think the ultimate goal is to be less and less impacted by it. So instead of it feeling like a 400-pound-gorilla holding you down and crashing your throat, it starts to feel lighter and lighter and lighter and then eventually it’s more of like maybe an annoying mosquito or something like that or it’s not gone and you kind of don’t like it and you want to swatter it away but at the same time mosquito is not really going to stop you from doing anything like a gorilla is.
So I think that feels and go with the critic, how do we lessen it, how do we lighten it? Then the first step as I alluded to you before the break was we got to become aware of it. If you’re not aware of that critic then it is running the show, it is controlling you and you have to start paying attention to it. So one of the best ways to do that is just start to notice, when am I going to be critical with myself? And, you know, that’s kind of — if you can start to pay attention to it, particular situations where you might be more critical, that is before social interactions.
When you are about to talk to someone, when you’re meeting someone new, when you’re going to put yourself out there in some way, give a presentation, talk to your boss or supervisor at work, when you going to go to a situation where it might people to date, to ask someone out, to go on that date, after any of those experiences, those are all vulnerable times where your critic might be more active. And so two ways to develop awareness, one is what I mentioned before which is the self-monitoring. That’s when you just simply make a hatch mark and record how many times a day do I criticize myself?
And that’s important practice. I’d say you have to do that for at least 10 days though because for the first few days, you’re going to forget about it a whole lot then the next few days you’re going to be overwhelmed by how critical your being and you’re just like, oh my God, I’m really messed up. And then it’s only after the next few days that you really start to get in to a rhythm with it, you start to see when I do I criticize myself and you also start to might even see that you criticize yourself a little less. There is something really powerful about just watching this critic can tend to help take some of its power, it tends to defang it a little.
But in other aspect in addition to just monitoring it and watching it is to really verbalize it or write it down. And say it like this, don’t say, you suck, I suck, say, oh my critic is saying that I suck. Oh interesting, and then write down what my critic says I suck. And you can do that in your journal and I don’t know if I showed this in earlier episode but you can just draw a line down the sheet of paper and on the left side, write out what your critic says. And on the right side, you want to start to develop your more compassionate, appreciative, supportive, encouraging realistic voice.
You want to start treating yourself like a parent would treat a child, a good parent would treat a child, regardless of your upbringing. And that might be difficult if your upbringing was poor or your parents were hypocritical or abusive in some ways. So it’s even more essential that you find that compassion in yourself and at first it might feel so foreign and so hard to do and so weird and almost uncomfortable like you don’t want to do it but we especially have to do it. You have to find a way to talk to yourself well with kindness, with respect.
Even if it feels phony and falls at first, it’s the practice of doing it. And then you have to go one step further, I found and you have to really actively start catching yourself doing things right and over correct with that supportive voice. That means you have to create an ongoing running dialogue of encouraging yourself, of supporting yourself, of congratulating yourself, noticing what you’re doing right and saying it in your mind in the third person. I know this sounds crazy but this is how you really free yourself of that critic.
So as you’re walking along, you’ll say hey, Aziz that was really good. I really like what you did there. You did it as a really good session with that person. Hey, Aziz, this was really, this was a good blog article, well done for writing it, good job, that was a good video Aziz, well done. And you gave yourself that support, that encouragement, that praise that is so essential, that were so desperately trying to seek from the outside. Now this doesn’t mean you don’t need it from the outside anymore or you’re an island, you’re totally self-sufficient. That’s unrealistic, we’re not that independent.
We really need other people to love us and to support and encourage us. But, we also have to get in to the practice of regularly giving it to ourselves because if you discount anything positive that comes your way, you dismiss all your achievements and you continually attack yourself then no amount of positive praise from the outside, no amount of loved from the outside is going to really get it in and help you feel better because your critic is like the gatekeeper and it’s saying no. No, we’re not letting ourselves in because it doesn’t go with our propaganda campaign which is, you know, this guy sucks.
So you really start to have to start to question that propaganda campaign. And if you want to get a lot deeper into this, I strongly recommend checking out my book, the Solution of Social Anxiety where we go, you know, there’s a whole section on your critic and there’s another section on self-acceptance and self-compassion and just dozens of tools and exercises and stories and transcripts from sessions. So there’s just a huge amount of wealth of resources. If this feels like something that you really want to address now, then that is a great place to start.
And you can find that on Amazon.com, the Solution of Social Anxiety. So now we’re getting to that point in the episode where it’s time for your action step.
Time For Action
Alright, time for action indeed. So, I know there’s been a number of things I mentioned this episode that actions to take such as self-monitoring, record the critic how many times that you noticed each day or the regularly highlighting of success is also things to do. And I encourage you to them, you know, you don’t have to do everything, just pick one of those and incorporate it into your life but I do have one specific action step for you to take this week. And that is, I want you to pay attention to what your critic says that you cannot do.
So maybe your critic says you can’t start a conversation with that person or I was actually talking a client earlier today and he has been putting himself out there more and he has been hanging out with people through meet-up groups but he doesn’t have any actual connection with the people outside of the meet-up group. So he doesn’t have their phone number or he can’t text them, he can’t set up, you know, hey, let’s go check in a movie or, you know, go do something or get a cup of coffee, whatever. He doesn’t have that, you know, established friendship.
So what he needs to do is ask someone like hey, this is fun, let’s go and catch a movie sometime, what’s your number? And for him that’s terrifying. So his critic says, you can’t do that, they’re going to say no, they don’t really like you anyway, you’re just that weirdo on the sidelines or maybe your critic says, you can’t go start a conversation with that woman or it says, you can’t ask her out, you’re not good enough, you can’t do that thing, you can’t write that thing. Pick one thing this week that your critic says that you cannot do and do it, maybe even starting with something really, really small.
Don’t pick the biggest thing that it says you can’t do, you pick something small. At some part he was like, really, really, I think I can do that. And do that because what you’re doing is you’re setting up a president, you’re saying, you know what, propaganda campaign critic I hear you but I’m no longer going to be held back by you. And that’s the first step to taking it from a gorilla and turning it in to a mosquito it’s because he’s no longer holding you down, you are even and it could be criticizing you the whole time, in fact there’s a phenomenon of as you get closer to the edge of your comfort zone and try to take that action, your critic will get louder and will criticize you more.
And then afterwards it could be even more critical of you say never do that again, change back and all and I won’t hurt you anymore. That’s all part of the process. I call that the backlash in the book. So, if you need help with that, check it out but that’s okay, that’s part of the process. The most important thing is to not be held back by it anymore. So go ahead and pick that one thing that your critic says you can’t do and do it. So thanks for listening. That is our show for today and we’re going to get deeper into your critic in future episodes and dating and relationships and how all those stuff ties together. So stay tuned, we got a lot coming up.
Thanks for listening, I’m Dr. Aziz.