Discover How Confidence Is A Skill That You Can Learn To Transform Your Life
Do you believe that you can learn confidence? The truth is confidence is a skill that you can keep learning and getting better at to excel in your career, increase your income, and create outstanding friendships and relationships.
Join Dr. Aziz to find out how to rapidly progress in the skill of confidence.
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Learning Confidence Can Be Easy
Do you believe that you can learn confidence? I mean, do you really believe that on a deep level, are you totally convinced that confidence is a skill that you can develop and learn and get better and better and better at to achieve extraordinary results in your life, in business, income, relationships, love, everything.
Well, you are going to find out exactly how that is true in today’s episode and how to start building your confidence today.
Welcome to today’s show.
I am super excited to be with you here today. I know I said that a lot but it is really true and I really am because I love sharing this stuff. I am sitting in my office and working with people day in and day out on this stuff. The nitty-gritty about how do we create this transformation in ourselves to me more and more confident. And then I get all these great ideas and see what is working for them and I just want to like shout it from my mouth on top. I just want to share it with as many people as I can and so this is my mouth on top and I hope that you are able to take this in and learn this so you can shift in your life so you can become more free, more liberated, and I love doing this.
And if you are enjoying the show please by all means give it a review on iTunes so we can spread the message and reach more people. And, go to facebook.com/socialconfidence. I think it is socialconfidence. I have been saying socialconfidencecenter but someone messaged me and said it is actually just socialconfidence. So, there you go. Social media management is not really my strong suit yet but I can learn that. Facebook.com/socialconfidence and that is a great place to join in there. Lots of people to talk to about this stuff and a little community forming. So, boom.
And today we are going to get into, you can learn confidence. You can learn confidence. And the reason I want to make a whole show about this is because you might already believe this in which case you are in a good position and this will just reinforce that. You might not be sure about this and this episode is going to be great for you, or you might, I do not know. I noticed this because I was just doing a weekend intensive with a client and we have been working together for a couple of months and he came in to do a weekend with me here in Portland and I noticed this really profound shift over the weekend.
Because even though we have been working together for a few months and even making some good progress, over the weekend he really, truly, deeply got that confidence is a skill that he can build. And we had a number of conversations about it and for him he would actually lost a bunch of weight and that is some great success in his health in the last year.
And so, when he started to see it was like that. Like through consistent action and practices just like he could take care of his health and grow that. H could grow his confidence when. When he really got that, something clicked in him and he just got on fire. And I was like, oh wow. So that is the first step. We really have to believe that it is true.
So let me start with this. Confidence is it a talent or a skill? What do you think? Not just intellectually. “Oh, Aziz said it is a skill so it is a skill.” I mean, check with yourself right now, deep down, what do you believe? Is confidence a talent or a skill? And first of all, what is the difference between a talent and a skill?
Well, most people when they describe this they think of a talent as something that is inborn, innate, just comes with you, it is just part of who you are like your eye color versus a skill which is something that is developed over time through practice. So, which is confidence do you think? Something that you are just born with or something that you develop over time through practice? What do you think and how do you know? What are you basing your thinking on, your belief on? Interesting. And also, how will this impact, how you approach developing confidence in your own life?
I think most people on some level still believe that it is a talent. They still believe that there is something in there that is born into the person. It might not be all of it, they might not say all of it is not a talent. Sure, I can start conversations with a few people and maybe do a few things like that. But then they believe beyond that is a talent.
You know what I am saying? It is like, “Well, okay to be a public speaker or to grow my own business or to go talk to those people I am really attracted to, smoothly. That is definitely a talent. You know I am not there. It is just that I do not have it. And that is what I have seen again and again and you know what none of it is true. None of it. It is entirely skill-based.
First of all, the idea that someone will be born with confidence is absolutely true. I was going to say absurd but it is actually true. Because, guess what? Everyone is born with confidence. Everyone. And if you do not believe me watch a toddler at the age of, my guy now is 15 months the recording of this show, but anywhere between 1 to 2 years old. Watch kids, man. They are the model of extremely high confidence. They try things endlessly and it does not matter if they fail. And in this case walking, falls down gets up, falls down gets up, there is no shame in it. There is no self-criticism. No self-judgment.
He will say what he wants completely boldly. “Give it to me. Give it to me.” And if you do not he will just again and again and again. He is impervious to rejection, totally resilient, moves on, loves himself, has no sense of self-criticism. He is the model of self-esteem and confidence. And all little kids are like that.
Now as we get older we start to get socialized depending upon how lucky or unlucky you were. You might have some parents that did that in a pretty cruel way or a loving way, schools, institutions, other things, we learn a bunch of crap that restricts us, shuts us down, kids makes fun of us, so on and so forth. And then here we are today, as adults, and we are sensitive, we are afraid, we are worried about being judged, criticized, not liked. Am I good enough? Do people like me or not? And the result is we are no longer in our natural state which is of confidence.
And then we come up with these stories. Well that person was just born with it. Yeah, but so were you and so was I and so was every single one of us. And guess what? It is just a matter of learning. If you unlearn some of the crap that you learned along the way and learned some new stuff it will come back the natural state. You can be more and more confident in who you are.
And we are going to get into exactly how to do that in today’s episode. How to shift that thinking so you really do see as a skill. I am going to show some powerful and interesting research about talent and other things along those lines and answer a question from our listener about motivation, how to stay motivated on this journey, and we are going to dive in a lot of good stuff.
Before we get into more let us dive into a question from a listener.
This comes from a listener named Gary. “Hey, Aziz. I have a quick question for you. I just went back to the action step for episode 2, way back when, and pondered where I have had the desire to talk to someone and I have drawn up a blank. I really have not had much of a desire to talk to anyone I do not know, male or female, yet I do want all the benefits of having an active social life. Just seem to be lacking an intrinsic motivation. Is this something you have seen and how do you tackle it? Thank you.” –Gary
So that is a great question and you might be in that place yourself right now if you are listening and this is the biggest obstacle I found to developing confidence is when we tell ourselves, “I cannot. It is a talent thing,” but that is B.S. And on some level we know it is B.S. and it is just getting out there and doing this stuff. It is like working out, right? Like, ‘Oh, man. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is uncomfortable. I do not feel like it,” and we have to find our way to really activate ourselves and motivate ourselves.
So, this is a great question, Gary.
So, intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic, if you have not heard that term just means internal. Internal motivation. And here are a couple of ideas I have about how to stay motivated on your past about greater confidence.
The first is getting drawn to what you really want. What really excites you? What you really want to create in your life. This is what I always start with. When I am talking to someone it is like, what is your vision for confidence? And there are a couple of areas. One is who you are going to be in the world and the second thing is what is that going to bring to you in this life.
So, let us start with the first thing and you can do this along, Gar, or anyone listening, but do this together.
Just imagine total confidence for yourself. What would that look like? What would that feel like? How would you move through the world? How would you be standing, breathing, in fact if you can stand up right now, do that. It would be even more powerful to this exercise. So, stand up right now and as you are in your car, but if you are not stand up, yes. Yes, you. That is right. You. Good. So we are all standing up. So join in with us here.
Here we go. Go ahead and do it now. Do not be a holdout. Okay, good.
So you are standing up and you can close your eyes. Again, do not do this, I would not suggest doing this if you are driving. Close your eyes and just really imagine, stand the way you are standing. Can you think back to a time in your life when you felt totally confident in yourself? Totally bold, totally strong, totally powerful?
Go back to that time right now, just go right back to that time, think of that time and imagine what was happening in your life, what were you saying to yourself, what were you feeling, what were you doing, and stand the way that you were standing at that time. Breathe the way the way that you were breathing. Holding your body in the same way. What did you use to say to yourself when you were in a state of total confidence, total power, total strength?
Good. Good. And then imagine what would your life be like if you approached the world in this way? What is total confidence to you? What does it feel like and more importantly what does it allow you to do in the world? What would you do with total confidence in yourself? Would you go talk to people? Would you join in the conversations? Would you have amazing friendships? Would you be starting your own business? Would be growing that business? Would you be accelerating in your career? What would you do with that more money? What would you love to have? What excites you? What inspires you? What would you be able to give and contribute?
If you had that increased income, increased business, increased freedom. What about your romantic life, your dating life, your relationships? What if you had that love of your life waking up next to you each morning in bed and you just felt so grateful to have that person in your life. What would you do without total confidence?
Good. Good. So hopefully you are getting in touch with that because that, for me, is the most powerful motivator in the world. I am always doing stuff like this getting really connected to. What we did there is what is called association where you associate to what you want.
So it is not just some vague like, “Oh, yeah. Yeah I will do that one day. That sounds good. I mean that is something that you really feel in your body, in your core, and you are drawn to it. And then, you have some power, some energy in your body to do what it takes to go after. I suggest doing it for anything in your life whether it is a health goal, a confidence goal, a business goal, an income goal. When you really want to get associated to what it is going to be like when you have it.
So that creates what is called a compelling future which draws you towards what you want. Another thing you can do is you can think about, “Look, what is my life going to be like if I do not work on this? If I do not take this? If I do not get this handled in my life once and for all, what is going to happen to me?
And that is a little bleak. People do not like to do that but, shit man. We have to be honest to ourselves. We only have one life as far as I know. Maybe we come back again and again and recycle and reincarnate, I do not know. But, what I do know is that I am alive right now and you are alive right now and we got a shot at this and what I want it to be. And if I do not do anything, if I do not get out there what is it going to be like in 5 years or 1 year?
That is the question I often ask people. What is your life going to be like if you do not something with this in a couple of years. And it is bleak and it is designed to be bleak because we want to jolt ourselves from this denial that we live in that everything is fine. Everything is not fine. We need to change something in our lives and sometimes facing the reality of that whether it is for your health or for your confidence or any other goal is a really powerful motivator as well. That dissatisfaction is a very powerful motivator and we can use that to create what we want in our life.
So those are some tips on intrinsic motivation for you, Gary, and for all of us and this is a great reminder. So I really appreciate that question. That was awesome.
So, let us jump in to talent and skill and a few mindset shifts that you can make that are going to help you start to see that you can build your confidence and stop creating this divide between you and people that are at extremely high levels of confidence that you want to get to.
So, we are going to jump into that right now.
Let us take a quick break and we are going to dive in. So stay tuned.
Here is the truth. Confidence is a skill that anyone can learn. It is about incremental progress. And, there is a great book called Talent is Overrated. I highly recommend that you check that out if you want to learn more about this but there is just so many stories in there about talent, about people that are known for their supposedly talent like Mozart and Tiger Woods and person after person he just debunks it because it turns out that they had thousands of hours of practice to get to where they were and the only difference between those people and someone who is maybe not known in those ways is they just started really young.
They had a parent who basically said, “You are going to become an expert golfer,” or “You are going to become an amazing composer.” And the parent happened to be a golf teacher in the case of Tiger Woods, Mozart’s dad happened to be a music composer/teacher. He taught people how to write and create music. That was what he did for a living. So they just started their kids super early.
And do not let that be an excuse either, “Well, I did not start super early and I am 35 so I am screwed.” No you are not. I mean we can learn this stuff faster than you think.
Someone just asked me this recently and I had to think about it but he said, “So when you really started to work on your confidence, what was the first thing that you worked on?” And I said, “Well, you know what drove me was what drives most men is women. I wanted to get the girl, right? And so I learned how to do this stuff.” And he was like, “Okay, well, so what did you do?” And I was like, “Well I got this program and it is kind of a pick-up artist program and I started to work with that and even though I had a lot of flaws in it the biggest thing it gave me was, you can learn this, get out there and practice. Do not let fear stop you. That was the biggest thing I got from it.
And I really practiced a lot and within maybe 6 months I was having dates with beautiful women. Now, I had a long journey personally so I thought that was what solved all my problems but I had a lot of deeper insecurities about connecting with women and being good enough, and all this stuff that is why I teach what I teach now is because just knowing what to say to start a conversation with a woman is not the solution. Really, it is part of it but not fully.
So, 6 months that is not that long and you might do it a little faster you might do it a little slower. I mean, time is the great mystery about how we can do it but if you are willing to do the inner work on yourself and I mean like, you know, how to treat yourself with more love, optimal self-coaching, and you are willing to take action out in the world, then your success is inevitable. Just a matter of time and anyone can do this.
So, here are a few mindset that can help you with that:
One is anytime you see someone who looks very confident is doing something that you want to do whether it is in business, or in dating or relationships, or just whatever, how they carried themselves in the world. Instead of thinking,” Oh, man. They are so much different than I am. They are so much better than I am. I am so much worse than they are. I will never be there.” If you notice your mind doing that just shake your head back and forth, scramble that pattern out of there, and say, “I can do that whatever it is.”
They are dancing incredibly gracefully and freely, “I can do that.” They are singing openly and awesomely, “I can do that.” They are walking on the street with a beautiful woman next to them who is clearly in love with them and they he is clearly in love with her, “I can do that.” They lead a business meeting like they are just storming there and they are amazing at sales and presentations and you watch them and you are like, “Whoa! I can do that.”
So just start saying that. I can do that. Because the truth is you can. And then the first step is to acknowledge that you can and then your mind will find ways to do that.
The next mindset shift is a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset. There is a whole bunch of research about this that I cannot get into because we are getting to the end of our time together today, but basically a fixed mindset is I am how I am. This is who I am now and for always and forever more. And a growth mindset is I am constantly growing and evolving and changing.
Now, which one do you think is more objectively true biologically? Yeah. The fixed mindset is complete bullshit. I mean, to not change is physiologically impossible. There are so much change happening right now even from the beginning of this episode to now. There has been massive shifts in the cells of your body, your organs, your physiology, your endocrine system, your hormone system, your brain chemistry, everything is constantly changing and growing and evolving, and especially if we are inputting new information that is changing our brains or eating something that is changing our bodies.
I mean, we are constantly changing and growing. And if you add in behaviors and actions and skills, things you can learn, anytime you notice a fixed mindset become really weary and say wait a minute, fixed mindsets do not exist. Fixed things do not exist in this world. We are constantly in flux, constantly growing.
So, remember it is a growth mindset. So if you want to get better at sales for example, growth mindset. You practice you will get better. You want to get better with women, you will get better with women if you practice. You want to get more confidence speaking, you can get more confidence speaking. Just hold that growth mindset to know that you are an evolving growing being and who you are now is not who you are going to be in 6 months. You are going to be a totally different person in 6 months. In fact the more that you do your inner work and do work out in the world and take action in the world, the more you are radically transformed. I am completely evolving and being totally different.
So, me now, when I work with clients and other things is completely different now than it was 3 months ago or 6 months ago or a year ago. Because I am always learning, growing, evolving, and so are you in any area that you want to do that in. So really take that in and know that there is so much potential for you to grow and expand and evolve. And one of those areas is in confidence.
So, let us jump into your action for the day before we end.
Your action step for the day is to do something that build the skill of confidence. Do something, something small. It can be something from a previous action step in one of these episodes, a little activity, a little exercise, or check out one of my programs. There is a bunch of ideas and suggestions in there or something that you know that will just, you know, you do not even check our program for that, just what is something that scares you, something that is a little uncomfortable, it is just one small step outside of your comfort zone. Do something.
And the reason that this is different and another action step is because the purpose is not just to do it but to really show yourself that confidence is a skill that you can learn. And if you want to commit to learn that skill even better and if you want to take it to the next level on how to learn that skill and work with me directly in coaching or one of my group programs, that to me is one of the fastest ways to get these results to make these changes.
And that is one of the big shifts and one of the reason why I think coaching works so well is because we get together and we realize that the change is possible and we remove the fixed mindset, the blocks that we tell ourselves about why it cannot shift and then people can start taking those steps and start taking those actions and they realize that stuff can transform much quicker than we think.
So, if you would like to check that out go to socialconfidencecenter.com and check out the coaching tab there and I would like to speak with you about that and also go to facebook.com/socialconfidence.
Join in the conversation, share your thoughts about this episode, questions you have, comments, love to hear them. And until we speak again.
May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.
Talk to you soon.
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