How To Take Charge Of Your Dating Life So You Can Enjoy Amazing Experiences With Women
How is your dating life? Is it what you want it to be?
Dating can be hard, frustrating, confusing and sometimes depressing. But it doesn’t have to be!
The key is to realize who is in charge of your dating life, and ultimately your dating destinty (hint: you are!)
Join Dr. Aziz as he shares stories about dating breakthroughs from his own life and those of his clients. You will leave with a renewed sense of passion and purpose about creating the dating life you’ve always wanted.
Click below to hear this episode!
Click here to learn more about Dr. Aziz’s powerful dating confidence program – 30 Days To Dating Mastery. You will learn step-by-step how to build natural, healthy confidence in yourself, start conversations with anyone, begin interacting with the women you find most attractive, and ultimately get dates and create awesome relationships!
Valentine’s Day = Pain
Welcome to today’s show. Today is the time of year that you probably hate if you’re single because it’s Valentines Day and I never put too much stock into a lot of holidays especially Valentine’s day. I personally grew up with my mom saying, “That holiday was just created to sell cards, Hallmark cards.” And so, I never really put too much stock into it, although now that I’m with my lady, Candice my wife, she’s taught me how to appreciate that sort of thing and actually make them special. But for much of my life, I was single on Valentines Day and even though I thought to myself “Oh, it’s just a holiday made up to sell cards” it still affected me. You know you’d see it on TV or people would talk about it or just it would be in the world around you and it would just be this little reminder that I didn’t have anyone that I was going on a date with. I didn’t have anyone that I was in a relationship with.
And that can be fine. You know let’s say if I was dating a number of people and I was in between relationships but that wasn’t my experience. You know my experience is I’m not dating anyone right now and I kind of never really am because I’m a weird loser. And that was my experience around Valentines Day. It would bring up this realization of I’m not really where I want to be in my dating life and most importantly I don’t even feel that good about myself. I don’t really know how to meet women or date women and the whole thing is a mystery and I suck at it and I’m not very good. I’m just this whole ball of pain and shame and I mean, whether I’d be in classes or at work, I’d just be hearing other people talking about what they were doing or what was going on for their dating life, for their Valentines Day and I would just be so uncomfortable. I remember one time I was one job I was at and there were several people at work, maybe a little bit older than I was. I was probably 19, 20 and they were maybe 30, 35 and they were talking and one of the women turned towards me and she’s like, “Aziz, what do you think? What it’s like to be dating? What’s dating like these days for someone your age?”
And I remember feeling so fucking uncomfortable. I was just like “Oh, my God, don’t look at me.” Because I felt there was so much shame about it and I felt like people could just see right through me and I didn’t want to reveal I don’t really date. I’ve never really dated much and I’m a virgin and I don’t know what’s going on. And God, who wants to say that, right? It’s so much shame in our culture especially for men about “Dude, you’re supposed to lose your virginity when you’re 9 years old like a real man or something.” So, if you’re a, what to say, 18, 19 and oh, God I can’t even get into the story of how I lost my virginity. It was terrible. It was like an attempt to just claim something as a man. It was awful.
But anyway, so this woman asked me this question and I’m just like, “Ah, yeah, well you know dating is pretty tough these days.” I don’t even know what I said, some weird vague answer and then changed the subject as quick as possible. And so, that’s just to paint a picture of where I’m at and the reason I’m doing this is to maybe you’re at that place right now yourself, maybe you’re listening to me and being like, “Oh, my God that’s me. Get out of my head, man.” And I’m doing that to show that I’ve been there and I know that the pain and the discomfort of that. And one of the biggest parts of the pain around that is not the loneliness, it’s not the wanting to connect but not having someone to be with, to touch, to talk to, to make love with. It’s not that. I mean, that’s painful enough, right?
The real pain though for me and it might be for you too if you’re in this place is there is nothing I can do about it. It’s just sort of this like, as I said in the intro like feeling like you’re a drift in the current of the ocean and I have no rudder, I got no motor, I got no ores, I’m just going to kind of float around here and hope that the wind blows me into an island. In this case the island could be a conversation with a woman or a relationship or a date, you just kind of hope that the seas work in your favor and bring you there. And a really stark example of this I remember my freshman year of college, I was going to UC Santa Barbara and there was a dorm and the dorm was a, you walk up to the stairs to the second floor where our floor was and you turn to the right and it’s all the men. There are 50 men on the floor. You turn to the left and it goes down the hallway and it’s all the women, 50 women on the floor. And I remember, there was a woman who was on my floor occasionally once in a long while.
I see her exiting the building or walking down the stairs at the same time as me and I thought she was really beautiful. I thought she was just something about the way she moved her hair, her eyes, I was like wow. She’s pretty and I wanted to go talk to her. Come on, go talk to her. That’s just crazy. How can I do that? So, I had these memories of like being, I remember one time I was in the name of the cafeteria where you’re getting all your food and the DLG they call it, I remember De La Guerra that’s the name of it in Santa Barbara. I was at De La Guerra and I saw her and she was alone. She was like, I don’t know, putting some jam on a bagel or something and I was like wow, there she is. Now is my chance and I still remember it to this day of just looking at her and there was this sense of like there is no way I’m going to go talk to her. It was just so outside of my realm of possibility. I didn’t even know how to do it.
And even as I’m talking I’m like “ugh” like hurts. It feels so painful to go back to that place and it wasn’t that I was just so lonely. It was that powerlessness, that feeling of being totally adrift, totally out of control, totally waiting for something to happen in my life. And if you’re in that place now, if I’m stirring up some pain for you right now then good. You know there’s a great line, a great speech. Have you seen the movie the Wolf of Wall Street about Jordan Belfort the Wall Street guy who did a lot of high pressure boiler room sales and made a bunch of money and kind of ripped a bunch of people of? He’s a – since of course made amends and gone on to be a self-help guru which is interesting. Anyway, the movie has got Leonardo Dicaprio who is awesome and he makes this speech, if you’ve seen it you know what I’m talking about where he is trying to pump up his crew to go make a bunch of sales of a certain stock of a Steve Madden stock, it’s a shoe company and he’s trying to pump them up.
And he – it’s awesome. Go look it up on YouTube. Type in like – in fact, I’ll put a link for it below on the show notes his speech and one thing he’s saying he’s like, “If you’re struggling to pay your rent and you need money, good. Pick up the phone. If your girlfriend thinks you’re a pathetic loser, good. Pick up the phone.” And he gets more and more intense with it, right? And kind of what I want for you right now. It’s like if you’re feeling pain at what I’m talking about but the sense of powerlessness and frustration and I’m not good enough and I can’t do this and you’re stuck and it hurts. Do you hear me talk about this? Good because that is what’s going to motivate you, my friend, to grow. That dissatisfaction, that frustration, that hurt, don’t shy away from it. Don’t say, “Ah, forget about it. That’s what I did for years.” You know how I dealt with it? I’m just going to smoke some pot and play some video games.
And you can only do that for so long. Well, you can do that for your whole life. I mean some people do but in my opinion, if you want to live this one life that we know for certain that we got to the fullest then you can only do that for so long because time is passing you by and you must take charge of your life, of your dating destiny. And when I get back from a quick break here, I’m going to teach you exactly how to do that. I want to go over what stories are getting in the way that are stopping you, how to break through them, start getting out into the world testing them out and seeing how you can really break free in your own life now. So, stay tune we will be right back after this.
Welcome back. So, what is keeping you stock in your dating life right now? What are you doing in your own mind that’s stopping you, that’s blocking you from having a sense of freedom, of power, of choice, of confidence? You might say, “Well, there are plenty of reasons why I’m not confident because I’m a loser, because I’m this, because I’m that.” whatever you’re saying right now is a story that you have about why you can’t be confident and I know this well because I had a bunch myself and if you come across any of my stuff on YouTube or got any of my programs I mentioned some of these stories. But it’s worth repeating because we can all relate to them, right? We think that confidence comes from the outside. So, for me I look in the mirror and I said it’s my appearance that’s why I’m not confident, that’s why women won’t want to talk to me specifically it’s my eyes, the pigmentation around my eyes is gross, it’s disgusting.
I’ve learned from magazines when I was in middle school that you don’t want pigmentation around your eyes. You don’t want your eyes to be darkened anyway. There are products to fix that. I’m ugly. That was the conclusion I came to in middle school and I’m stuck with it for many, many years and that was my story, my eyes and also I’m not physically strong enough, I’m not big enough, I’m not muscular enough. A lot of guys, oh my God so many guys have this one. You might have it. I mean it is like “Oh, I’m not muscular enough.” I was just talking with a client about this recently and he said that he couldn’t talk to women in the gym because he felt like if he was going to interact with a woman in a gym, she’d kind of look at him and say, “Why am I wasting my time talking to you when that guy over there is like 208 pounds of pure muscle and can bench 4000 pounds. Like why am I even wasting my time with you, worm?”
And I kind of laugh because it’s so absurd but he was really stuck in it and I was really stuck in it too because we have this idea it’s like look, I’m not muscular enough. My abs aren’t defined enough. I have love handles. Whatever, I’m too short. I’m too skinny. I’m too tall. I’m too fat. That’s why I’m not confident. And so therefore, I’m not going to go talk to her. I’m going to avoid her. I’m not going to interact with women because they’re going to reject me because of this horrible flaw. Does it ring any bells? Does it sound awfully familiar? That’s what I told myself for years and that’s why I’d never met that woman in my hall in college from my dorm. That’s why I spent years of my life stuck and lonely and feeling powerless. It had nothing to do with the women. It had nothing to do with my actual likelihood of success of creating relationships. It was 100% in my mind. It was a story and the same is true for you right now my friend.
There’s a story that you’re telling yourself as to why you can’t meet women, why they’re going to reject you, why you’re not and it’s just, it’s on repeat. It’s like a trance. We put ourselves into this hypnosis, this trance by repetition. “My eyes are ugly. I’m not good enough. My eyes are ugly.” And we just keep repeating it and repeating it and repeating it and repeating it and repeating it and repeating it eventually it just feels true because we heard it so many damn times. But guess what? It’s not true. It is not true, not true. You might be raising your hackles right now. “Wait a minute, Aziz. Listen, you don’t – I really, I really am missing my left foot, okay?
And that makes me weird and less awkward or more awkward than other guys and women are going to like a guy with no left foot, huh?” and you’re maybe challenging me on your story. “No, it’s really true, Aziz.” And let me say this, the facts of your story might be accurate and yet your story is still false. Here’s why.
Because I do have darker pigmentation around my eyes than the average White Caucasian person, that is a fact. I am not as muscular as my buddy, Chris, was in high school that is a fact. Those are the facts. Let’s just acknowledge the facts. Maybe you don’t have a left foot right now. Get a prosthetic which is getting more and more amazing by the way. I saw a video of a guy and his crazy mechanical things running it was awesome. But I digress maybe the facts are true but the conclusion is false and the conclusion is always therefore, I’m not good enough and women won’t like me. And we kind of sneak that conclusion in, right? It’s like look at the facts. It’s like imagine a prosecutor and he knows that he’s got a weak case. He knows that the guy is innocent but he really wants to improve his record. He can’t lose another case.
So, he’s going to come in there. He’s going to present the material to the jury in a way that’s going to convince them that this guy is guilty. The defendant is guilty even though he is not and the prosecutor knows it. So, what he’s going to do? He’s going to say, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let’s all focus on this one fact over here. Look at this fact. He was in the neighborhood the night of the murder. Everyone look at that fact. And therefore, he’s guilty.” And you kind of sneak it in, imply it. And that’s what you’re doing to yourself right now. “Look at the fact. I don’t have a left foot. Therefore, I’m not attractive. Women won’t like me and I’m tired that women will like me” just sneak it in. I’m not attractive and women won’t like me. But that conclusion is false. Absolutely 100%, 1000% false and the only thing that’s keeping you from seeing that is the story and the avoidance that comes from a story, right?
Because we’re like, “I didn’t go talk to that woman on the dorm so I never found out what the truth was and so as a result, my story could remain true.” And that’s how we keep ourselves stuck in the story, right? It’s like well, I didn’t do it so therefore obviously it never will work out anyway. It’s a closed loop. “I know she’s not going to like me. I don’t go talk to her and then I never get any results and so, I further conclude that women don’t like me because I’m not getting any results.” Is that making a sense to you? Do you see the insanity of this? Do you see the absurdity of this? Do you see how this is going to keep you stuck for the rest of your life? And believe me I have met people that are in their 40s or in their 50s that are stuck. They are either single or they got into one relationship when they were 22 years old with a woman they didn’t really even like or that was mean or abusive to them but they just, that’s what they could get and now they have a family and they want a divorce and they’re in bad shape, all because they believe the story.
And so I’m hope I’m jarring your home shaking a little bit because we have to wake up out of this trance and we have to start testing out what really happens. We have to be real. We have to look at reality and not live in this fantasy world of this fear. That’s really just designed to keep us safe, right? We just don’t want to get rejected so we come up with this elaborate plot to not get rejected. But guess what? That safety is killing you. It’s strangling you, strangling the life force right out of you. The purpose of life is not to be safe a thousand percent of the time to feel safe. You want to feel safe live in a bunker and wait for the world to crumble around you, safe in your bunker. You’re not interacting with the world. You’re total isolated alone miserable, at least I’m safe. Damn it. So, let’s break out of that. How can we do that? In fact, we’re going to take a little break right now. When we get back, I’m going to teach you how to break free of that, how to start shifting these stories, letting go of this bullshit and just getting out there and seeing what really happens. So, stay tune, we’ll be back right after this.
How To Take Charge Of Your Dating Destiny
So, how do you take charge of your dating destiny? How do you take charge? The first thing you must do is realized I am not an effect in the world, I am a cause. I am not controlled entirely by the winds and currents. I have an ore. I have a rotor. I have a map. I have a steering where and I am going to guide my boat to the island that I want. I am in charge.
Now of course there is current, there is wind. I can’t predict what every single woman is going to do. I can’t control that one particular woman to want me, no. So, those are the winds. Those are the currents. Those are the unknowns and unpredictable elements of life that’s what makes it fun and exciting, right? But I can still choose the ultimate destiny whether that’s an outstanding relationship, fun dating experiences, a wife, a family. Whatever it is, whatever the ultimate outcome of your dating destiny would be, that island that you want to go through, the tropical paradise that you can control. You’re getting there, my friend. You just stir your ship towards it. And what you have to do is you have to move into the reality, move into the interactions, stop avoiding them. Stop avoiding women. Stop avoiding women you’re attracted to. Oh, my God, the nickel, for every time I saw a woman I was attracted to and then I pretended like I didn’t notice her. Because I thought, well, she’s going to think I’m real cool like I don’t even care.
And guess what? She never even noticed me and I never talked to her, right? So, it doesn’t work. Drop it. Drop the act. Just experiment what really happens. When I go talk to that woman, what really happens? Does it go well? Does it go poorly? Does she laugh? Does she not want to talk to me? How do I handle it like you’re really nervous? Do I stumble over my words? Do I stand there awkwardly, right? Who knows? Let’s find out. Let’s find out because guess what? The first time you go up and talk to a woman, you’re probably going to go down in flames and the second time you talk to a woman, you’re probably going to go down in flames. I tell stories about this in my program 30Days to Dating Mastery. I mean if you really want to take charge of your dating destiny, you want to go much deeper than this episode. Check out 30Days to Dating Mastery, my program 30DaystoDatingMastery.com.
You will learn step-by-step all of this stuff, how to change your self-esteem, how to see yourself differently, how to know your strengths and your value with women then how to interact with people, how to be more comfortable just starting conversations and let go of embarrassment, free yourself from that fear of rejection and get out there and start talking to specifically women and you work your way up step-by-step so you’re not jumping into the deep end like tomorrow go out and talk to five beautiful women. I mean that could be overwhelming.
So, we do step-by-step to gradual exposure model and it’s getting phenomenal feedback so check that out if you want to go deeper. But I talked about in that program is my experiences, the first three times I tried to talk to women. I went down in flames. Oh, my God, it is just so embarrassing just her looking at me like, “Who is this guy?” and I was sounding so nervous and shifty-eyed and sweating out my armpits and my forehead was probably sweating. He was a mess. But guess what? I didn’t die. I did not die. I survived and sure, I was a little uncomfortable and at that time I didn’t have much self-compassion so I beat the crap out of myself, but in 30 Days to Dating Mastery, I also and from this podcast, you’ll learn all about, a lot more about self-compassion, right? So, you got to treat yourself with kindness along the way.
Learn how to handle the rejection with kindness, with mercy, with forgiveness. You don’t want to treat yourself like kicking a dog or something. It is like, “Hey, man that sucked. That was pretty awkward.” Call a friend, talk about it, laugh about it and then guess what? Get back out there and see what happens again. Because then let’s say you get better, let’s say you get more comfortable, let’s say you get more at ease, not by getting it all perfect in your head or watching some pickup artists’ program that tells you the 43 texts to send her so she’ll sleep with you without ever having to look her in the eye. I mean it’s absurd. But that’s what we want, right? Because that’s safe driven party he was like, “Oh, I can get laid without any risk whatsoever.” And guess what? It’s a fantasy. It’s a lie. It’s marketing.
The reality is you got to get out there and you got to test it. Now you can get better. You can learn strategies to improve your chances, that’s what I teach in the 30 Days program but no amount of strategy is going to help you unless you start getting out there and talking to woman after woman after woman. Start small. Start small. Start by walking down the street and when you see a woman that you’re attracted to, just saying hey as you walk by, how’s it going? Hey. She probably won’t respond to you. Often times, women don’t respond in that situation, sometimes they do but don’t expect it. You might have big dark sunglasses on and walking fast, that’s okay. It’s not about the responses. It’s about practice. It’s about getting comfortable and then working your way up. There are so many ways. I can’t get into all that now because we have limited time but you got to work your way up. The key is to test it out and see what really happens and when you do, you’ll realized dude the stories didn’t matter at all. I dated many, many amazing, intelligent beautiful women and it didn’t – my eyes didn’t change and I get skin grafts to cover up certain pigmentation in my eye. I have a beautiful amazing life right now.
The most amazing woman I could find that I chose out of all the women that I was dating, I was the selector and I chose the most amazing fit for me and it’s incredible and my eyes didn’t change, I’m in good shape. Physically, I take care of my body but I’m not muscular buff dude. I didn’t gain 30 pounds of muscle. I still have skinny legs, right? And so, this stuff doesn’t matter and I have so many women I’ve interacted with and the same can be true for you and a person after person I’ve talked to and I’ve worked with directly or that I’ve heard feedback from 30 Days to Dating Mastery that they realized that it doesn’t affect them in any way to have these flaws or these shortcomings. It’s just their story. In fact it’s time for you to break out of your story which brings us to your action step.
Today’s action step is short and simple. Go out there and do it. Hey, hey, do it. Do it. Go talk to a woman, just one. Go talk to one woman today even if it’s just “Hey, what time is it?” Ask her what time it is if you’re terrified to talk to a woman. Just get out there and do it. Hey, do it. Jump, take the leap. Find out what really happens and you will see that you’re going to learn from it and whatever happens, view it as a process. That’s what I talk about and 30 Days to Dating Mastery you’ll see I talked about as a process where you are going to go step-by- step. You want to look at each individual interaction with a woman as the end or be all. You have interactions to burn. You’re just practicing it. It’s okay if this one doesn’t respond to you, there will be another opportunity and if you really want to get more comfortable talking to women, I want to offer you a free gift.
If you go to 30DaystoDatingMastery.com that’s the number 30DaystoDatingMastery.com and then enter your email there, I’m going to send you a free copy of my eBook Seven Ways to Start Conversations with Women Anywhere Anytime. So, go there and get that now to help you with your action step for the day. It will give you just a bunch of simple ideas and the feedback I’ve gotten, I was talking to one guy who got 30Days to Dating Mastery recently and he said there are so much pickup artists stuff out there so I go your free eBook there and I started reading it. I was like, “Who is this guy?” These were like basic obvious simple ways to start conversations. They’re normal, they’re casual. It’s about working on myself and my own confidence and it’s not about some weird script to seduce her and it felt awesome feedback because that’s exactly my intention is to help you be a real normal person.
You know most guys don’t want to become the next world’s greatest pickup artist. They just want to be comfortable talking to women, meet some awesome women, have some great dates, find a great girlfriend, have a wife, and have a family. I mean, just be a normal person and that’s exactly what that eBook will help you do. So, go get your copy now at 30DaystoDatingMastery.com. And that about brings us to the end of our show today and to circle it back around to the beginning, Valentines Day and just go easy on yourself. Don’t attack yourself.
Don’t criticize yourself. Don’t say I’m a loser. If there is dissatisfaction, if there is frustration, if there is pain, good. Use it. Get that eBook.
Get out there and talk to women. Start practicing. Start working on yourself. Work on your self-esteem. You can improve this area. I am a living proof of that. Everything I’ve shared in this podcast is 100% true. It’s not increased for dramatic effect. Those are my real experiences and then my life completely shifted and I’ve worked with people, hundreds of people face to face and seeing the same results, thousands of people through these programs and seeing the results, the same can be true for you. So, use that frustration to take action. Don’t criticize yourself. Attacking yourself does not bring you closer to your goals, to your dreams, to your ultimate potential. So, have that compassion for yourself, turn that frustration into fuel and take charge of your dating destiny. I’ve enjoyed spending the time with you today. I look forward to speaking with you next week and until we talk again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you are awesome.
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